Scared @ MindSay

I posted a private blog entry last night about a trauma that happened in January.  I have been struggling with it for some time but I have been managing to use the tools I learned in New Orleans.  However, it doesn't go away though rather helps me to distract myself.

I am so afraid of failing ever since I got home.  I am afraid I won't be doing the right things or some things shouldn't bother me anymore.  I know this is irrational but my head can't seem to wrap around the rational side right now.

I want peace and I have been working so hard to get it.

so i made this video yesterday n i meant to post it before i went over to jackie's for the night, but the software that allows me to upload videos off my camera was being a dick n i didn't have the time. i'd write a little more about what me n albert talked about, but right now i'm pissed off about something else that i'll probably just post in another video because i'm a lazy ass.

some highlights i guess tho are that we talked about how we've both noticed this pattern that keeps happening: we'll talk, things will be better for a while, then something happens, things go to shit, n then we talk again. n we both agree, it really sux. the problem is that i really wish him and i could hang out again n have the types of conversations we used to have again, not just from when we were dating but before that, too. things like our philosophies on life n the way we see the world n stuff like that. its just that apparently cyn is still really jealous that there were things me n albert could do that she just couldn't. i didn't ask if albert meant that psychologically she just couldn't do it, or if physically she couldn't. i dunno, i just thought she'd be over that by now.

that n she came by a couple of times while me n albert were talking. once she kissed him before she left, n that didn't hurt as bad as i thought it would, but then again i also rolled my eyes n looked away. (seriously, fucking bitch didn't have to do that n she knows it bothers me) the second time, tho, she just wouldn't leave n i knew we were going into a stand off- who was gonna get tired first n leave. it was her, (w00t for me!), but when albert came back i asked him if he got chewed out n he said, "kinda."

later on when we were talking about how emotionally draining this pattern has been for him, he brought up that, "once i leave here, i'm not done." n its because he goes home n cyn plays 20 questions to find out wtf we talked about. i don't see why she still does that when all three of us kno that when messages go thro albert, they don't always come out the right way. fuck, albert said another thing that bothers cyn is related to not being able to let go, n for the sake of not getting things wrong, (which is why that's all albert told me in the first place), i didn't ask him to clarify if its because i can't let go of him, the pain they've caused me, or if its because she can't let go of her jealousy.

but yesterday, for the first time, i was honestly terrified of what was going to happen n what conversation they were going to have when he got home, cuz she thought he was gonna be home by 1:30 n he probably wasn't home until 3:30 or 4:00. she even walked by one more time after that, n she actually had the audacity to smile n wave.

n i guess he came by this morning before he left for work. when i got home this morning i was so pissed that i wanted to call him just to vent...but right now i actually need to catch the bus so i can do some homework, so i'll get to that shit later. besides that, i'm sure its gonna get worse before it gets better like shit always seems to do...

I'm writing here because I have a fight tomorrow and I need to clear my head. I'd rather be talking to someone, but I've burned all those bridges now. It's okay, I mean, as much as I'd rather that they were in my life, I can't NEED them. It's still just a little hard, you know, not having anybody around.

 

Emily could see that I was having a rough day, and she offered to listen, but it was just a little too close to to the truth, and I couldn't tell her. I wanted to tell her. I really wanted to tell her. I wasn't going to mention anything about the causes of it all, but I desperately wanted her to know how alone I felt. Feel. She's felt able to rely on me for emotional support when days get rough, and probably wanted to reciprocate. But I couldn't. Part of it is how much she reminds me of Hannah, part of it is how much the whole situation reminds me too much of Hannah. I fell in Love with her through an alternating series of one of us opening up to the other, and the same thing is wrenching us apart. I can't open up to people with that deapth anymore. I'm scared of the pain. I'm terrified. Nightmares cause me to sweat, but this kind of terror causes me to shiver. I'm paralyzed by it. It's strangling me right along with the guilt of all the things I've done, and most immediately the guilt of the things I have to do.

 

What is the right thing? Is Roslin right? Is the right thing a luxary? What's it all worth? Will I still have a soul when it's over? Can I get through it without hurting the people I love any more? Can I continue to live if I can't?

Can Hannah and I ever rebuild our friendship if I continue to insist that I can't turn to her in times of trial? Would it matter? What if it was the only way? Could I do it?

 

Her friendship is worth everythng to me. I would do anything to preserve it. But what if it's no longer in my power to allow her to BE a friend? Can I fix it? What if I'm just not strong enough to hold on? Will I ever be able to love again? Will I live to find out? These questions bind me like a noose, strangling me, breaking me under the weight of their absent answers, and beneath the fear of their revelation.

 

I'm tired. I'm desperately tired. I'm tired of hanging onto the cords that tie me to half-forgotten memories and the friendship at their core, when those memories are so far out of my view that I'm not even sure if they're at the other end anymore. I love Hannah, but if she untied one end of the line and walked away from it, I don't think she'd ever tell me. Hell, she might not be able to recognize it. I guess it's likely that she's on the other end, afraid to let go just like me. Is it too much to hope for that she is as sure as I am that it's worth it to hang on, no matter how much it hurts?

 

Or the worst question: What if I'm the one that's let go? God forgive me if that's true.

 

I can't do this anymore. This brought a lot more to the surface than I was expecting. My speed-dial now accesses a blank address book entry that her number used to occupy. Yes, I remember the number, but it's one I won't call for help anymore. I can't. I could once, and now she hates me for it. No, I can't do this anymore, but I can't turn to her either. I think I might just go bury my face in a quilt and see if I can't drop a tear or too, then either try this again or go over to Taylor's when I feel I can handle my emotions without informing him.

 

I just...there's not enough comfort here right now. This is all a lot harder than I wanted it to be. To be continued.

I had another great day.

I was at work today, and it was so much fun. It's not like going into work. It's so chilled and everybody is so layed back. I do really like it. I just hate the days when i'm in on my own, it's always awkward when there's nothing for me to do.

 

I have been contemplating leaving lately, but i don't think that's what god want's me to do. He has given me so many signs not to leave, like today.. Linda, -A woman i work with- told me that i should think carefully about what i want to do, because i may regret it.

And then yesterday when i had that chat with my mum.

 

I'm sure i will figure it out eventually. I'm still young and there's so much that i want to do. But i guess i can't have everything. I will have a really long think about it.

 

I know i can do it, though. I have so much determination, and i'm so ambitious. I don't want to be a failure. That's what scares me the most.

 

I'm so confussed right now. About everything, where i'm going with my life. I mean i know what i want to do and where i want to go. I know my dreams, but it's actually doing it, getting up and fighting for what i want. Proving my mum wrong. I want to show her so much what i can do.

 

When i try to talk to her, she shows no interest. It feels like someone is grabbing my heart and twisting it around inside my chest. I pray that one day she will wake up and notice how much i need someone to show that they care. Show that they are proud of me.

I find funny that she doesn't understand why i call my dad and talk to him about stuff.

She doesn't realize it's because she couldn't give a shit.
I don't know if my dads intentions are genuine, or if it's all for show. A part of me says that it's not real, he's pretending to care so that he looks like a good father, but another part of me doesn't want to believe that.

 

I'm so afraid. Afraid of failure. The world is a scary place. I don't think people acknowledge just how frightening it can be to others.

 

I can't allow people to see how weak i really am. I hide it so well, even from my parents. Even though all of the reasons why i feel so empty inside are down to them.

I wonder if they even have any idea that it's all their fault. The reason i'm so fucked up.

If i could go back sixteen years an not have been born, i would, gladly.

 

People always say i'm a nice caring person, but lately i've been feeling bitter, and angry. I don't like what i'm becoming. It's not who i am, nor is it what i want to be.