Santa Cruz @ MindSay 
got 10 hours of sleep(finally)
got my coffee(and a fattie)..methinks it's time for a movie;
Killer Klowns from Outer Space
A Chiodo Bros. flick filmed in my hometown of Santa Cruz CA
and a little "Garbage"
By Air Force Master Sgt. Mike R. Smith
Special to American Forces Press Service
June 24, 2008 - Army and Air National Guard members from California and North Carolina are supporting firefighting efforts in Northern California today following a state active-duty call-up by California Gov. Arnold Schwarzenegger and a request for airborne firefighting assets by the Interagency Fire Center. The governor's office reported yesterday that a "swarm of dry lighting cells over the last 16 hours sparked nearly 400 new fires across the state, spanning from Monterey and Fresno counties to the Oregon-California border."
Schwarzenegger declared a state of emergency June 22 for Monterey and Trinity counties. The governor made similar declarations for Butte and Santa Cruz counties June 11 and 12. At least 30 Guard members were operating in Redding, Napa and Stockton.
The Interagency Fire Center reported more than 33,000 wild land fires in the United States this year. More than 1,000 new fires have been reported in California since June 21.
Two specially equipped C-130 Hercules aircraft, aircrews and support assets from the North Carolina Air Guard's 145th Airlift Wing arrived in Chico, Calif., yesterday, adding to 10 other Army and Air National Guard aircraft and aircrews performing firefighting missions in the state.
Four Air Guard C-130s carry special mobile airborne firefighting systems that can drop 3,000 gallons of an orange-colored water and fire-retardant mixture. In addition, four Army National Guard UH-60 Black Hawk helicopters and one CH-47 Chinook helicopter equipped with helibuckets also are suppressing wildfires from a staging area at the Stockton Flight Facility.
Two Army Guard OH-58 Kiowa observation helicopters from Los Alamitos are performing fire-spotting missions out of Mather Air Field, and one RC-26 Metroliner is performing aerial reconnaissance missions. Officials reported additional requests for at least eight Army Guard aircraft from Nevada, Washington and Oregon.
(Air Force Master Sgt. Mike R. Smith serves with the National Guard Bureau.)
.Imagine my surprise when I discovered that actual people live in this fairy land (and I mean that in the least offensive way possible). People who will talk to me on the phone, respond to me online, and post photos of themselves on blog-like websites. Most unusual was that these actual people allegedly living in this oddity of a place called "California" would continue conversing with me under this facade of friendship for over a year-and-a-half. After that milestone passed, I thought it might be time to meet these possibly fictitious people. Smell them out. See if we were actually the same species.
.I packed no jackets--nothing to keep me warm--because in imaginary California it is always hot with an ungodly amount of sun. I nervously passed through security like an illegal immigrant with cocaine in my bowels and continued on to my gate. Even down to boarding my flight to San Jose, I had my doubts. Who or what would greet me? Do they have a different sort of special greeting there? Should I have packed ceremonial robes of some type?
.But the plane really did land in San Jose, California. And Monique, or holythejazz, really did pick me up from the airport. No matter what she tells you, she has very nice teeth. And her mother makes excellent Indian food.
.I don't know what part of my trip to California was my favorite. I loved it all. It's one of the most unique, interesting, and amazing places I've ever been. Everywhere I went, someone was speaking in a foreign language. Everyone was moving, living, and thinking. A thinking population is incredibly important. It's rare these days.
.I saw a Rufus Wainwright show in San Francisco one night, rediscovering how much I really love him. That same night, we crossed the Golden Gate Bridge all lit up in the dark and looked out at the city from across the water. I drank Chinese beer in Chinatown and ate miniature donuts in a tourist trap. I saw a Walgreen's covered in rainbow flags and a man offered me coupons to a porn shop that sold synthetic fists. I saw the ocean for the first time in Santa Cruz on a private beach cradled by grassy cliffs. A man was wandering about in the nude and made Monique a bit uncomfortable. I walked about the streets of Berkeley hand in hand with a boy I've known for so long but never really knew. And he held me. In public. And I didn't care because I was happy. I got lost in the pretentiousness of the mock wine country of Saratoga. I rode the train from Antioch to Mountain View, changing twice (almost the length of the routes of both BART and the Caltrain). I even ate at the fabled "In N' Out."
.In the end, life was good. And, like so many vacations, I didn't want to go home. The odd thing was, it wasn't like the time you went to Disney World as a kid and wanted to ride Space Mountain until it broke from exhaustion. No, I really didn't want to go home. For a split second, I thought, "This could work. I don't have to leave. I could stay here. I could escape the place in which I live that pales in comparison." But like a crying baby nextdoor, something disturbed me and I couldn't keep dreaming forever. You see, I was right. California isn't real. The dream of the West isn't real. And I will forever be stuck in the ugly, grey, unfunny comic strip in the Sunday paper no one reads. Here. In Texas. Someone take me home.
so santa cruz was alright yesterday. originally reanna was supposed to pick me up from the chiropractor, but of course cuz he's a flake she didn't even leave Berkeley until i was done with my appointment. our day of getting away from our pain was off to a great start already. i tried as much as possible not to show that i was pissed, n i think it worked. she didn't seem to notice that n e thing was wrong. it was me, Reanna n Alia, n then Zach after we picked him up at his house. we hung out there for a while, then we went to the cement boat in Aptos and then to Natural Bridges in Santa Cruz. we looked at the tide pools, then we went to the Boardwalk for a bit n when we saw that there was nothing to do there, we went to downtown Santa Cruz. This was the first time i'd ever been there, n seeing that Zach was the only person over 21, there wasn't much for us to do other than walk around. Somewhere between 10:30 and 11:00pm we left and Zach told us about this hookah bar that we might be able to go to. We drove by n it was 18 n over, meaning me, Reanna, n Alia could get in (we're all 20), n it was $21.99 for a hookah, which was about $5 a piece. I still had money from my granpa's bday present a couple weeks ago, so i was ok with that n Zach ended up paying for me n e way for some reason, lol. it was really chill there for a while n i got the most buzzed off of hookah that i've ever been in my life before. that felt really nice. unfortunately, tho, something happened to make me think of the bullshit that's been going on these past couple of nights n a very similiar think happened to me that does when i get stoned- the pain n reality of the situation seemed that much more real, n hurt that much more. And of course, i then couldn't forget that pain deep in my gut for the rest of the night. it still lingered there, no matter what. of course it wasn't as bad as it is when i get stoned, but it still happened. I think i'm gonna have to start sticking to alcohol now cuz that shit doesn't happen to me when i get drunk. other than that we had a good time n left around like 12:45am.
we dropped Zach off at his house n then on the way home we were listening to music n Christina Aguilera's "Beautiful" came on. If you don't know already, i'm a big fan of hers. Not only that, but earlier that day on the way to Santa Cruz Reanna n Alia had made me listen to the backstreet boy's "i want it that way," n a little bit later Christina Aguilera's "I Turn to You" came on n Alia changed it, even tho i pleaded the case that they had made me listen to the Backstreet Boys earlier. Well now Alia wanted to change it again n i said "no" n Reanna was like, "No, we're gonna listen to it n jen is gonna sing n its gonna be awesome!" i smiled because i got really self-conscious at hearing this. I haven't sang this song in a long time n even when i was singing it like everyday i still had a hard time hitting some of the higher notes. also, the last time i heard this song something happened to me that hadn't since it first came out- i couldn't sing it. not the whole song. But i couldn't sing the first n third chorus n i couldn't listen to the second one. the reason why: I feel like its a lie. In the first chorus its "I am beautiful no matter what they say/Words can't bring me down," and in the third that's changed to "We." i feel like i'm lying to myself when I sing it. it was the same way when this song came out when i was w/ my ex. n i can't listen to the second chorus because then its "you" and i feel like she's lying to me. i know that may sound dumb, but its true. the last time i heard this song, only a couple months ago, i started crying n i had to leave the room. i felt like i'd lost so much progress n i was so angry with myself for that. I tried surpressed it best i could.
well last night i thought, "to hell with it," and i sang. it didn't sound as good as it used to when i would do it because its been a while, but i still did it n at first i was really insecure n shy about it. i was scared that i'd start to cry, but when i got to the first chorus something i didn't expect happened to me. i had one of those moments. the ones when i remember how strong i am. how i've fought so long thro so much and i'm still here. i'm still here n i'm still trying. i still feel suicidal really badly, n i still think about killing myself. but now that strong part of me, that fighter has taken back its strength n a thought crossed my mind as i was singing. it was simply, "To hell with him, to hell with all of them- I am beautiful, I am strong, I am amazing and you're missing out on a really great thing." thought like that rarely cross my mind when i'm in Santa Clara, but it hit me last night as i was singing this song and i really felt it was true, for the first time in many, many, many months. i sang the rest of the song, n when i got to the bridge i had a hard time because that's where a lot of the higher notes are, but reanna was like, "sing it girl!" n after that my insecurities in my vocal abilities were gone n i put my heart into the rest of it. reanna said that was awesome when the song was over n i wasn't sure i believed her, but at that moment i decided i was going to do something- i'm going to try to sing this song to myself once a day, at least once a day, everyday until i believe it. I've been listening to it now n i tried to sing earlier n i began to cry so i had to stop, but then i tried again n i could do it. i almost started crying again during the first chorus n i just fought thro it n i could do it. the reason why is because cindy n albert have recomended that i say that i'm beautiful n today will be a great day n stuff like that to myself to help me feel better. cindy said it helps her, but i told albert that it makes me feel like i'm lying to myself n he said it makes him feel the same way so he has a hard time doing it, too. but as long as i can hold onto that feeling, the one i had last night, then maybe it will help and maybe i will be ok despite everything that is going on. i haven't cried as much as i cried a couple nights ago when i saw j had deleted me n all my comments on his myspace, n maybe taking a day away from all that is what helped me out.
speaking of j, tho, he responded to the message that i sent him. i held my head up high as i opened it n saw this:
"I apologize, repercussions of gabby's gab. Carly is very important to me, and complications with keeping that relationship sound. It was a pleasure."
i'm calling him because i want to talk this out. i want to know wtf happened, what she told him, what she knows, n how she knows. n rest assured, i'm not sure i'm ever going to fucking talk to gabby ever fuckin again.
*update* i called n it went straight to his voicemail. i left him a message asking him to please talk to me n i tried not to cry as i was leaving it. i don't know if he'll call me back, but i just want some answers n i wanna work things out. there's a lot of thoughts going thro my head right now, but we'll see what happens when/if he calls...
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