Samhain @ MindSay

My previous introduction to my blog was this Latin phrase:  "Amor animi arbitrio sumitur, non ponitur" which means "We choose to love, we do not choose to cease loving" by Publilius Syrus, a 1st century B.C.E. writer of moral maxims in iambic and trochaic verse.  I'm not exactly sure what Syrus was implying by that sentence, but it stuck in my mind for a long while.  I agreed with it for that long while, trapped by this thought that I am to be held a willing prisoner of my past loves.  Yes, we do choose who to love, but it's extremely hard to stop loving someone and it's far too easy to punish ourselves for doing so.  We willingly become enslaved by that love, a source of both pain and pleasure depending upon the nature of our old lover.  But it is not impossible to fall out of love.  Eventually time and distance spare us from the daily onslaughts of panic and despair when we are faced with the presence of a lover who does not share our passions.  I often wonder if this type of self torture is truly a form of self sabotage (a reflection of our hatred for ourselves) that we choose an unkind lover in order to stab our own hearts with? 

"Amor animi arbitrio sumitur, non ponitur" was my meditation last year.  A sort of "heart on my sleeve" maxim of which I soon out wore.  My solitude has made me realize that, yes, I did choose to love someone and I find I cannot choose to cease loving him, yet this should not be a something I need hit myself over the head with 24/7.  Eventually I have learned to forgive myself for using a boy to cut myself open.  I realize that the relationship was necessary for me to build up strength and resolve against others who would hurt me worse.  At some point, every woman has to face her Demon Prince -- my idiom for those handsome men who appear to be our dreams-come-true lover but once they use us for their pleasure alone, are exposed as the selfish monsters they really are -- and once she falls out of the embrace of the Demon Prince, she seems to break only to bend and snap back with a surprising strength nature before did not afford her at birth.  I say this out of a deep voice within who hasn't spoken in a long while, as if I'm channeling a kind of grandmotherly spirit who rarely speaks but keeps watch over me.

My meditation this Samhain was something altogether different.  It has no phrase, but is a thought.  I drew it out of the following Tarot card spread:

Near Present (Situations & Feelings Emerging): The Emperor

Future Present (What's next): The Hermit

Enduring Future (Long term situation/feeling): The Sun

Myself at Samhain 2007 into the next year will find me more stable and successfully rediscovering the confidence I thought long lost.  I've been searching for motivation and inspiration.  I haven't drawn anything in weeks.  I set up my desk and pens and pencils but nothing comes out of these hands but a limp hopelessness.  When I attempt to draw, my passions escape from me, all my dreams fade, and I sink into thoughts about how wrong I was to fall in love with someone who couldn't love me back.  I begin to think he may have cursed me, that he's draining me of my passion, using me to fuel his own endeavors, and leaving me with nothing to work with to achieve my own goals.  But then I realize that The Emperor is not the ruler of me.  He only functions as an archetype who powers over others to make himself feel more secure -- he needs to inflict his weight on others and this takes a lot of his energy.  When you can turn to a power within yourself, you don't need to continue to beat others down to get what you want.  There is a peace knowing that you don't have to exert that energy, that you can reserve it, let it build, and direct it in a nurturing way so as you use it, it doesn't wear you down.

I believe I've been through the worst trials of my life now.  I feel myself entering a stage of life where I don't have to move, I just have to be.  I still feel the stinging desire to create, but with that comes that defeating drain -- the knowledge that I have to work hard to achieve creation -- and it comes with a pain in my arms and neck so I rather sleep than draw.  With the sleep comes visions that I can barely find enough time to put down on paper!  There is so much I want to do, that I know eventually that desire is wearing out the previous desires to be someone's lover. 

The Hermit reminds me that I am best in solitude.  In order to achieve my role as artist, I seek not only inspiration (or even the desire to inspire) but concrete evidence to support my visions.  I must research, study, journey, dream...  I don't want to just create pretty pictures, I'm on a mission --

What I want to achieve at some point in my life:

1.  Reach into the ancient past to bring it back to life in the present.  Artist as time machine priestess.  Drawing the costume and customs of my First American ancestors.  There are no books out there detailing -- truly covering -- what people looked like before the Europeans came.  There are only one or two illustrations per book.  I want to dig into that and pull out the visions I see of them, not just guess or estimate -- but then this is born out of my need to reconnect with the ancestors.  I feel an obligation.

2.  Inspired by so many art and "how to draw" books out there, I'd love to put together a series of "How to Draw 18th Century People & Places" or something like that.  This would require teaming up with a few historians and costumers, however.  I also find "How to Draw Children" books in rare supply.  That might be an interesting project to pick up.  I should be a publisher.  There are plenty of "How to Draw Manga" and "How to Draw Comics" type books, but rare are those books out there that really give an artist help on drawing from life outside of a classroom.

3.  I need to finish the Objiwe comic book language project, but it's so over my head.  I need help.  Where can I find it?

4.  I have so many stories to write and finish.  I must go do all that...

And then this list poops out beyond my grasp and attention...  I start to lose focus.  I become clouded.  It's not just the memories of loves lost that hurt me, but the terrible feeling that my dreams are too big for me to make true.  However, The Sun is just beyond those impossible clouds.  There is a fever in my mind, a burning brilliance, a rainbow in the dark shining, a promise that I can defeat my doubts and win a victory over everyone who thought I was worth nothing.  I have to remind myself that I am beyond the reach of those enemies of my esteem!

I come out of the clouds, proceeding at my whim and not at the crack of anyone's whip.  I am the most dangerous thing to men.  I am a masterless woman, betrayed by sex, yet refusing to be a good girl and lie down.  Yes, I was betrayed by sex, but I continue to believe in love.  Even the biggest cock can't touch me now.  Did you read that, buddy, eh?  You can't do me over the back side anymore.  I'm becoming your worst nightmare.  I am the woman you choked who didn't die.  I am a Creator in my own right. 

I will be more than I ever dreamed.

A Blessed and Happy Samhain to All of you!  Happy Halloween to those who aren't of the Celtic or even a different "Pagan" Path!

We had a grand time yesterday even though Tab and I were the only parental units that took the kids.  The men stayed home this year.  I ended up driving the truck and Tab was by herself in the back keeping the kids away from the edge when we traveled different areas of hte town to get to the good neighborhoods!  We only stayed out till 8 pm and only hit a 1/3 of the town but the kids made out like bandits!  To the point their bags were literally busting open!  (Pictures to come later-like normal)

The house was completely bombed today and now I am in the middle of a smoke break.  We are starting upstairs with the cleaning and vaccuming!  Tons of dead Japaness beatles (some folks call them asian beatles), boxelder bugs (I called them Harries growing up!), and spiders to be vaccumed up.  This should also completely clean out what ever lil Head Lice decieded that the bug spray wasn't going to kill them. 

The plan of action for this long weekend of the kids being home is to clean up from bombing the house, take DeLaney to her orthodonist appotment tomorrow, rent a carpet cleaner, steam clean the rugs, and then FINALLY get to the family Samhain ritual!  Thank Anu that the Gods are very understanding about how busy and stressed out I have been! 

I also need to give our Taekowndo Insturctor a call.  He finally got worried about us!  I have to explain that I just got overwhelemed being the only parent home and October being such a busy month for us!  He is wanting the kids to still test and just give us some private lessons (free of charge) to get them ready for Nov. 10th.  I am giong to ask him if we can NOT do that and just work on the form we need and skip this testing.  The start of next week is when we will ALL go back to taekowndo and I will start hitting the gym at full capacity! 

When I am done basically fall cleaning the house this weekend, we will be ready for Thanksgiving and I can purchase the rest of the items I need to do my cooking for Thanksgiving.  Randy won't be home till the day before Thanksgiving and Tab and Joe, stepped up to the plate and talked to Randy about how I feel guilty leaving the kids home for a weekend while I go down to the job site to see him.  The CEO of the Aussie Company told the Main Project Manager to take Randy and I out to the one and only 4 star restaruant when I come done as a Thank You to both of us.  Randy for not bailing on the project and helping in areas and reengeneering things when he didn't have to and for me to say Thanks for having Randy gone for so long!  I can't take the kids down with me no babysitter!  So Randy talked me into going down in the next two weekends before Thanksgiving and into buying myself a classy outfit.  I didn't realize that this restaurant was the only 4 or 5 Starred place in NE!  I figured Lincoln or Omaha had classier ones but I was wrong!  My dad even got after me and said that it isn't going to hurt the kids to stay home while I go down for a weekend!  Joe and Tab will keep the kids and I will leave them my Cell Phone so we can call them.  I just need to deciede what weekend I will be going down!

Okay I am off.  I have to finish cleaning out my closet and then vaccum DeLaney's room, go in and finish helping Coltin and then we have to all hit the kids' tv room and computer room!  Then go down stairs start laundry, scub the bathroom, vaccum the living room and dinning room, and then once laundry is all done I can scrub the kitchen.  We will be going out for dinner tonight since the kitchen won't be gotten to till tomorrow!

Yes my last few posts I have been dramitic, whiny, depressed, and just blah!

But my life is looking up!

Now most of you all know I am pagan and we did our Samhain family ritual and then I did my own private ritual by myself.....since it is the Celtic New Year as a family (something the kids can do) we list bad habits we want to do away with and light them up with our hearth candle and place in a fire safe dish or pan......then we list goals we would like to achieve and do the same.  We fix a plate of food for the realitve that passed on this past year and we also leave various plates and drinks outside for the passing spirits, ancestors and fae.

Well one of my goals to achieve this coming year is to have the majority of the bills paid off!

And as we all know I have been having problems coming up with a J O B!  Well Thanks to my faith in myself, my family, and my Gods......they delivered!:D

I start a temporary job through the town's staffing agency tomorrow.  The job can last min of a week to longer then a month!  The gentleman is way behind on office work.  It only took the staffing agency 5 months to find me a job......like I have said before I am qualified but this isn't a big town for any type of office work! 

Now remember what I said before I started being a whiny lil depressed bitch about friends?  I applied for a Virtual Call Center that actually hires no contracts?  Well I got the final interview for them next Tuesday evening!:D  I am pretty sure I got that job because of not only of all my office experence and such but also the expereince of working in a call center and a virtual call center already!

And I can work both jobs until the temp is over if I get the virtual call center one, which I will:D! 

This helps us out soooooooo much!  And it is around the holiday time!  Go ME!

Randy is going to be so excited when he gets home! 

This calls for Mid Morning Nookie!:D

A nutshell is a small tiny thing in this big world of ours.  But if most ppl were honest with themselves they would realize they were pretty insignificant compared to a lot of other ppl and other things that are in this world.  One thing that we all forget, including myself, no matter how small, tiny and insignificant we really are compared to this world.....we are NOT insignificant to the make up of this world or this Universe.

My clan sister tells the Tiny Grain of Sand metaphore a lot better then I do.  And she spells considerably better then I do also; but the gist of it is no matter how small our lives compare to other ppl's lives and things we are important.  Our actions, our behavors, how we live our lives, and who we touch through out our very short time in this world.  We are all connected.  That one tiny grain of sand is just as important as the water pounding away at the beach it lays on.

I have been going through a very ruff and trying time in my life spiritually this past year and 2 plus months.  The ppl are different then what I am use to.  And no I am not talking skin tones or cultures, I am talking about behaviors and regional differences in this big country of ours.  The landscaping of where we are at is a huge difference to what I am use to.  The mix of cultures is down to two main ones instead of a nice hodge podge to what I am use to.  You add all that to the fact I struggle day in and day out being by myself in my spirituality and having no one to even pray with on an adult level when I need that extra help...........it brings you down not only emotionally and physically but also spiritually.  You start questioning your purpose in this vast and often times harsh world.

Then these two already violtal ingredients get added to the mix of:  "Am I really happy with my marriage?  I know I love my husband, but everything about my life has gotton changed, battered, tore apart, patched together, or even out right given up for one person.  Is this fair to my spirit?  Is this fair to him and our children?

Samhain, traditioanlly, officially started at twilight on Saturday the 4th or last evening.  We are celebrating one day only this year and that is the 5th of Nov or better known as today.  With the kids in school it is very hard to do a full 6 to 9 days of celebrations with out yanking them from school.  I am hoping more than anything that I am able to grab some much needed private, quite time to myself sometime this coming evening/night to commune with my Gods and mainly with my Patron Macha.  I have questions that I need to ask that I am sure she will answer with questions and riddles of her own right back to me that I could have asked at anytime, but felt the need to wait to wait till Samhain.

Over all I in that small lil' nutshell that is my life, I am content.  I know I am a strong, beautiful, sexy confident, bitchy woman.  I know that I am important to the world and those around me.  But I feel that I am lacking something in my life that goes much deeper then any rut that happens to everyone. 

Maybe later this evening I can crack open my nutshell and find the path I need to be on instead of just "hanging" out and being content.