Sam @ MindSay

You know when the floor just drops out from underneath you?

I went out to dinner with my parents, and it was lovely. When I got home, there were 2 messages on the machine.  I assumed they were for mom, so I didn't play them.  She finally hit play, and the first one was from Jeff, my boss.  He asked me to call back, so I did.  I had no idea what about; if anything, I was imagining being asked if I wanted to help with the CITs this week or something.  I don't know.  In my mind, it was some kind of good news.  Maybe he was asking if my mom had the pictures she took, and meant to say 'Ellen' instead of 'I'm calling for Emily'.  Actually, I'm pretty sure that's what I thought he was calling about, because why would he announce he was calling for me, when he's my boss? 

I digress.

Anyway, I call back, and he asks if I know anything/have heard anything/the news.  I figured LeighAnn hurt her knee again somehow, another step towards me and the CITs.

To be honest, I wish the news was, "I know there's only one week left of work, but you're fired".  I would have LOVED that phone call.

Instead what I got was, "Gaelan's brother died this weekend.  He was swimming in Montana, and he drowned".  And he went on to tell me about how Gaelan and her parents flew out there, and how Redyn and Sara weren't coming in to work tomorrow (their last day) to deal with stuff.

But it's not just Gaelan's brother.  IT'S SAM.  Sam, my co-counselor 2 summers ago.  Sam with the beautiful blue eyes, who did the the amazing dives off the board, and was so good with Russell and Aaron when even I couldn't deal with them.  Sam.  The really sweet and cool kid who would help me get the work done, and make me feel like I wasn't bothering him when it was just the 2 of us and our kids when he was really closer friends with people otherwise on staff.  Did Jeff forget that I knew Sam?  Did he know it might prevent the tears for a few minutes if I had to think of the association between 'Gaelan's brother' and who that was?  Did he know I was talking to Jeanette about Sam on Friday?

I'm actually devastated right now.  It can't be right.  I mean...not Sam. 


I have about 4 million Kenny Chesney songs floating through my head right now.  Be okay, Sam.  Jeff's been wrong about stuff before, this has to be one of them.  It just has to be.  There isn't a second option.
Gaelan needs to be okay, too.  I wish I knew her as long as I knew Sam so I'd feel more comfortable trying to look her up and offer her ANY kind of comfort, even though she has a million other people who DO know the family better and can provide a lot more.  I feel like I need to do SOMETHING.

Something other than cry.

Are you proud to be a Filipino?

Anyone who says that he is proud to be a Filipino either does not mean it, is totally delusional, is in a complete state of denial, was brainwashed successfuly by the educational institution (although this would be highly unlikely, i personally once had teachers who could not fucking care less about nationalism. i love them all by the way), is being forced to say so at gun point, has political motives and or totally insane.

Personally I would rather be an American. Americans are the greatest most benevolent people that has ever graced this beautiful planet earth. Watch their splendor in television everyday. The wonderful spectacle that they make of themselves. Britney Spears, Paris Hilton, Brad Pitt, Lindsay Lohan, George Bush. With their democracy, their businesses and economy, their, god bless them, american culture which is now daily permeating all across the globe and which they claim is the greatest thing that ever happened since jesus christ came out of his mother's pussy.

Or I would rather be a German. Like HItler. I would kill lots and lots and lots of Jews. I would be an Ubermensch, Nietzsche's Superman, the greatest human ideal of social darwinism. Heil Hitler. Seig Heil! Down with all those black, brown, red, orange, yellow mongrels. Survival of the fittest. Let the chips fall as they may.

Or I would rather be Japanese. I would rape lots and lots and lots of Chinese women, just like what happened in Nanjing, CHina and in the PHilippines and Korea. I would invade other nations and butcher their men, snatch their babies from their mothers, throw the little dog in the air and as it falls down, let it land on the knife-edge of my bayonet. For I am Japanese, descendant of Gods, descendants of Izanami and Izanagi and all those people are fucking barbarian dogs. I would be famous for making technologies like cellphones, computers, cars, radios, walkmans and also animes and mangas like Naruto, DragonBall Z, YU=Yu Hakusho aka Ghost Fighter and Urotsuki Doji (Legend of the Overfiend OVA) which features among others, TENTACLE RAPE. Hah, man am I proud.

But, you ask me, do you truly mean this? Are you saying that being a Filipino is such a terrible thing? I would answer: well, with the way that all these politicians, movie stars, TV and radio evangelists act, the way they so piously look and sound, the way they smile and jump and bend over and let Uncle SAm fuck them in the ass (aka imperialism), well, hell yeah, Iam fucking ashamed to be Filipino.

Oh my God, you exclaim, what are you saying, you poor misguided little boy with your false beliefs and hideous unrighteous thoughts. Papa Jesus is not happy with your blasphemies. I will pray for your soul that you may, when the last judgement finally comes at least get to see the Lord's holy middle finger before you are swallowed by the ground and barbecued in hell.

Well, I reply, please do that.

Dixie currently feels:

Sick

 

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Today I had to take the day off - I already had a check up with the nurse at the Crossfell Health Centre - and I also happened to be at the start of a developing chest infection on that very day.

 

How typical?

 

I'm being told to stay off tomorrow too.

 

Yesterday in the library, I was told by many that I shouldn't even be in school.

During my lessons, I had to sit with my salbutamol blue inhaler next to my pencil case on my desk - having to take it every time I started coughing.

 

I'm not meant to take it too much in one day, I don't think.

I think I took it about 30 times in 5 hours - and by quarter part 3, I was shaking and slurring my speech - and getting my words mixed up.

 

One thing I said to Sam in Media Studies was: "Scham... Pass uss the glooooue..."

Then I was chewing on some cardboard - as we're making stages for music programmes out of old copier paper boxes, and the print had all dissolved in my mouth.

 

So I turned and asked: "Scham, has my purple gone tongue?"

 

I did the same thing when I was talking to Claire in the library after school.

 

"Is that your schript for Schweet Charity?"

 

"I juscht wanna go home... Make schome iche water... I might use a whole cube of iche trays."

 

She said I was talking like I was drunk.

I noticed it myself.

It was very funny. :)

 

 

The check-up wasn't as bad as I expected.

Fine, I didn't care for the idea of the stethoscope being shoved up under my bra, but, you know.

 

I got to do a peak flow test too.

THEY ARE SO GOD DAMN FUN. :)

 

Though, painful sometimes.

I only ever get to do them when I'm ill, so... Not good.

 

Ian and Lisa took us there and back.

Ian's my brother, and Lisa's his wife.

 

They're both funny and really nice people.

I like going to their house sometimes.

They come out with really random things and I laugh.

But neither of them like the sound of my laugh.

 

I got a chocolate and toffee eclaire from Morrison's, and ate it when I got home.

It was really rather lush.

 

Ian bought me the new Nintendo magazine too.

I got free Wii remote decals.

I might stick the Sonic one on my Wii remote, brighten it up a bit.

 

 

I played some Guitar Hero III during the afternoon.

I got some more 100% scores on Medium level and pwned some more n00bs on Face-Off over wi-fi connection.

 

Ah, the fun.

 

 

I'm currently addicted to Fires At Midnight by Blackmore's Night.

I love the guitar solo near the end, and the bit where Candice raises her voice to sing.

 

All of Blackmore's Night's songs seem to be about the moon, the stars, the nighttime, and dancing with witches and spirits.

It all seems a bit Wiccan.

But it's supposed to be Medieval Folk Rock.

 

Eh, who knows.

 

 

Music artists are indeed, confusing people.

so sam and logan are no more. she broke up with him this morning.

seeing sam so sad was horrible. like cold water in my chest.

but i still felt a little, i dunno, hopeful.

like maybe it was supposed to be this way

i'm available, i like him, but he's taken

then boom, he's available too

and he likes me and i like him

just so out of nowhere, you know?

but i feel bad just thinking that

like being happy even though he's sad