Salvation @ MindSay



 

   
Ambiguity
I have posted this before, but a lot of you are newer friends and have not read to the beginning of my archives. This is kind of how I have been feeling lately. I hope you enjoy.

Ambiguity (Tapestry of life)

 

Woven into the tapestry of my mind

Pure white thread, innocence sublime

 

Needle stained with heart’s red ire

Stabbing, grabbing, not your desire

 

Orange flames an ember’s hue

In the quilt, my desire for you

 

Green, waxing, waning sea

Emotions’ yo-yo ed intensity

 

Golden corn your jealous shade

Anxious heart; he’ll make a trade?

 

Woven tapestry, display my life

Black the tone, of grief and strife

 

Plunge beneath blue, cleansing flood

Crimson stream, healing blood

 

Purple, robe’s deepest sheen

Bride adorned, regal queen

 

Robes of white, righteous grandeur

Gates of pearl, land of splendor


Bonnie

 

 

 

 
 
 
   
 

I Believe

I had rare oppertunity to listen to the radio for a few hours yesterday morning.

Yes, I listen to talk radio, and yes I am considered a conservative.

The topic I was listening to was dealing with a federal court judges ruuling to stop production of lisence plates in South Carolina that have the words "I Believe" across the top a depiction of the Cross in the number feild.

What I understand is that four groups sued to get this injuncion, including two ministers, a Rabbi, and a Hindu. I don't know the exact specifics.

First, not only in my oppinion, but backed up in Scriptures, the two ministers were not at all ministers of God. What they call themselves, what denomination, what they preach from the pulpit probably does not matter. No true Minister of God would ever go to court to stop the Cross of Christ from being offensive. They deny God/Jesus before men... Who will deny them in Heaven? But they will be welcomed with open arms in the world.

The others, who do not claim to share my faith, are not part of this arguement.

I found it most interesting that this injunction would come just before Christmas, the day we celebrate the birth of our Savior.

We have been slowly reading thru a book called 25 days of Christmas, which is simply an outline of Christs birth in Scripture.

When Christ was born, the ruler of the land asked the wise men to let him know when they found him, so that he could go and worship Him. When the wise men did not return, the ruler asked the priests where the new King should be born, and then he went and killed all the babies in that town.

 

Since Christ came to earth, He has been a threat to all authority on earth. Earthly and fleshy people have tried to wipe His name away from the public eye. Now, some might say that they don't want the lisence plates displayed because some would defame Christ and the Cross with poor driving habbits. While I agree that if you have a bumper sticker that boldly proclaims "I love Jesus" you should be on your best behavior while driving, and when people see you getting in and out of your car, and when you are walking thru a store where someone who say you park your car might be shopping, and in your driveway, because your neighbors might be watching you, and when you have your windows open because your neighbors might be listening... understand? The more bold you are to proclaim your faith the more prepaired you must be to defend it. I want nothing to defame the Name of my Lord. I don't have a bumper sticker on my car. ( I do have a large dove on each side of my work van. )

These men who have denied the Cross of Christ PUBLICLY have joined the side of Ceaser who killed all the boys of Bethlehem. They were wrong for it. And they are not ministers of my God. If they believe at all in the same Jesus I do, they have taken his name in vain... As a married woman who takes the name of her husband and then lives like a harlot.

 
 
 

   
The Salvation Army- Only Christians?
I was thinking about volunteer work the other day. The fact that I enjoy helping others, and that it is also a requirement for the International Baccalaureate Programme, which I am in.

And the Salvation Army came to mind. Now, I know them to be a Christian based organization, but I thought I'd check out their website anyways, to see what all they do.

So I looked at their page online, and looked at all the wonderful things they do. I was thinking, well I would really like to be part of this. Then I looked further, to their mission statement and values, and it has "god" and "christian" every third word, practically. Now, I wonder why this is. Why is it so important that they be based on Christianity?

I don't have a problem with Christian organizations, only the wonder that they have to be based around only one religion! As if only Christians care about other people. As if you have to be religious to want to help make the world a better place.

Well I'm not, and I do! I am wondering, that if I ask to volunteer, they may not accept me because I am not Christian. Now I wouldn't want to pretend to be something I'm not, but I think this sounds like a really good cause and I would be willing to act Christian, to help out.

Do you think this should be necessary? Would they refuse my help because I am not a Christian? I believe in helping people, and the work they say they do, without religious belief.

I don't think someone has to be religious to care about the world, or to be a good person, or to want to do good things.

******

What do you think of the Salvation Army and their work?

Do you think it would be better if they weren't focused on one religion? Or even religion in general?

What do you think I should do?

 
 
   
 

Amour Morsures

“Robyn?” He ventured, his eyes still glued to the shiny pitch of the country road ahead.

           

“Hm?” She replied, her bare arms behind her head, cushioning her shut-eye relaxation.

           

“I have a confession to make”

           

Her brow wrinkled with a hybrid of grim curiosity and worry, worry, worry for the sake of his voice – he never spoke in such a tone unless he, too, was worried.  Her eyes, therefore, no sooner than opening, snapped to his. That stiff, stubborn, unfaltering glare which was locked on the decaying pavement or the empty two-lane faltered, and his gaze, now a soft shade of sadness, stress, and imminent, inevitable humiliation, drifted right, to the passenger seat, to meet hers (admittedly not before scanning up the silhouette of her slender form, tucked away under the thin, cool layers of her formal dress).

           

There was nothing unnatural, devious, or unfamiliar about the way he looked at her. Although, he thought, it would not be difficult, if my discipline failed me for but a second, to entertain a guilty thought – not with Robyn, anyway. It did help that her dress that evening was of a modest design, and Max did appreciate it.

 

He turned back away from her gaze to watch the faded yellow lines zip underneath them, and the shine of the fading twilight in the passing rows of wheat on either side of the road.

 

“What’s the matter?” Robyn’s kind, soft, yet strong timbre caressed his ears and his compassion. He sighed.

 

“About this time last year, things started to get…really hard for me. Life just became hard to deal with. Now, the smell of rotting leaves and brisk mountain air are…well…they’re bringing it all back.”

 

“Oh, Max…” she cooed, having not, as yet, decided weather she had interjected on behalf of her worry about what Max was saying or of her sadness that he had had to say it at all.

 

            “This may be a terribly selfish thing to say to you,” he began again. “But I don’t want to go through it again…alone.”

 

“I…” she hesitated, but the contemplative look on her face held the unmistakable trance of determination. “I don’t know what that will mean for us, how hard it will be on me…”

His heart sunk and his glare deepened as he stared no longer at the road, but now through it.

“…But,” she said suddenly. “I know it will be a piece of cake compared to whatever you expect to go through, so I’m going to do everything I can to be there for you, every step of the way.”

 

He turned to smile at her, but the corners of his mouth were interrupted by the soft but firm press of her lips on his.

 

It was their first kiss. It was a long kiss, an innocent kiss, a still kiss, but in no way was it a static kiss, for the flood of emotion that threatened to overwhelm them, especially Max, whose months and months of dull, grey, emotional atrophy had deprived his system of humanity for so long, that the shock of so much affection was almost too much for him, like taking an enormous bite of sweet citrus fruit first thing in the morning.

 

What this blast of new sensation failed to do, however, was alert Max to the circus clown-like figure in his headlights. He only got a split second to look, but his panic system immediately registered the long, sharp, yellow teeth protruding from ivory face paint, the red-on-white like blood sprayed across its face and clothes, an idea reinforced by the long kitchen knife in its grotesque hand. No sooner had the electric connection between Max and Robyn broken than Max jerked the wheel of the classic Camaro, sending her swerving into a ditch, stopping them instantly. The impact was enormous, jarring Robyn’s spine horribly, and sending shards of the windshield slashing through flesh, most prominently across Max’s right hand, rupturing a rather admirable vein.

 

He clenched his teeth and strained a grunt, trying not to scream for pain, which would cause Robyn to panic. “Are you alright?!” He demanded, through his clenched teeth.

 

“Y…yes…” she replied, her eyes pinched tight against the pain.

 

“What hurts?”

 

“Ugh. Everything! Spine, mostly, and I think the seatbelt dislocated my shoulder, or...did something to it anyway.” She winced, gripping her right shoulder.

 

“At least you were wearing a seatbelt!” Max noted.

 

“Yeah…” Robyn began, and then shuttered at the thought.

 

“Jeez! Who was that guy?” Max wondered aloud, his pain now a little more under control. He reached for his seatbelt buckle with his injured hand, which, though Max himself failed to notice it, was bleeding profusely. The buckle, however, would not budge.

 

As he fiddled with it, his heard stalled in his chest as Robyn let out a high-pitched, blood-curdling scream. His attention turned immediately to the empty windshield socket, wherein the same, mock-clown of a man could be seen, in all his blood-stained disturbia. At closer distance, Max thought he looked something like a thinned-out version of Lucifer’s General from Spawn.

 

“Jeez!” Max yelled as he reset the old Camaro’s ignition, cranked the stick shift into reverse, and let the clutch out rapidly enough to burry the assailant in mud. Max backed out on to the pavement and shot off down the street in high-gear.

 

After another few minutes of driving, during which neither of them said anything aloud, Max allowed himself to dip within ten miles per hour of the speed limit.

 

“Who do you suppose that was?” Robyn asked nervously.

 

“Some Halloween freak that couldn’t get a date for homecom…”

 

“You’re bleeding!!” Robyn interrupted.

 

“So are you.” Max noted.

 

“Not like that!” she rebutted as she pulled the ribbon from her hair to tie her jacket around the injured hand. “Max, forget the dance! We need to get to the hospital! Your hand needs stitches fast, and I feel like I tried to stop a train with my head.”

 

“Almost,” he chuckled nervously as she pulled the ribbon tight to stop the bleeding. “Not a train, a ditch. I agree though; there’ll be EMT’s at the dance, and we need to tell someone about that psycho before he starts thinking he’s funny and really hurts someone. Besides, I’m not driving back into town with a bad shift hand and no windshield…which I now have to pay for,” he added with a snarl.

 

Another moment of long silence passed between them.

 

“So,” Robin finally said, a slight smirk on her face. “Is this what you meant when you said that life got hard for you last year?”

 

Max laughed aloud. “Psychotic clowns jumping in front of my car on the way to a high school dance with the most beautiful girl on planet earth?” He turned to look at her, and they exchanged hear-to-ear, stupid-looking smiles. “Not exactly,” he concluded.

 

The night continued to deepen. There was no moon, and the highlights on the shabby pavement seemed to glow red in the dim, diffused starlight. The brightest, most visible object in Max’s view was the occasional reflective street signs, glowing brightly in the one remaining headlight. He sighed, as he tried to read each sign, contemplating the cost it would be for the body-work of his favorite automotive toy. He squeezed his hand, trying to slow the flow of blood. All he managed to do was wring out the soaked cloth. He ventured a look at Robyn, a few bruises forming along her smiling face.

 

“I think that’s it!” she exclaimed suddenly, causing the other to jump.

 

Looking up, he acknowledged, “Fairview Boulevard,” as he put the blinker on, wondering if it worked.

 

They pulled in to the country club, admiring the reflection of the distant city in the rippling black of the water. But as the beat up sports car pulled into the parking lot, it became clear that something was wrong. The cars lined the parking lot as one would expect, but the large pillars of light were all shut off, as were the lights in the club. In fact, looking around, the couple couldn’t find a single light on their side of the lake.

 

“What in the world?” Max muttered.

 

“If we were going to the dance, I might find this funny, but we’ve got to try and find…oh my…”

 

Max snapped his head to her horror-stricken face and followed her gaze to an enormous blocky vehicle turned on its side. Upon closer inspection, he realized it was an ambulance. He parked the car in the nearest stall, and, forgetting his chivalrous intentions, ran directly over to the overturned vehicle.

 

“Whoa!” he shouted, halting his stride as his gaze fell upon the rows of spikes lining the back of the club. Upon each one was set a blood-stained mockup of a human head, with terrible expressions locked on their faces. “Looks like the faculty decided on some half-decent Halloween decorations this year,” Max commented over his shoulder.

 

No Reply.

 

He thought nothing of it as he further inspected the mildly disturbing scene in front of him, until all at once he fell to his knees, terror seizing his stomach until he wretched all over in front of him.

 

“Good God Robyn! They’re real!! They’re all…” but he stopped as his horror deepened, for he saw Robyn’s door hung open, her limp form deposited on the grassy median by which they had parked. Standing over her, long, bloody kitchen knife in hand, eyes locked on Max’s, was the deranged circus performer, the red on his white makeup fresh. He stood there, still, as Max slowly unsnapped the leather case on his belt and drew his leatherman, brandishing the shiny blade and holding it with his good hand. He fought down panic and sickness as he pulled off his tuxedo suit-coat, not wanting his breathing confined.

 

“Come…come here you bastard. Time for me to pike your head!” Max whispered.

 

In reply, the brightly-dressed adversary growled, a low, inhuman sound.

 

“ALL IN GOOD TIME, MAX.” The voice was deep, low, and seemed to emanate not from a single source but from the very air surrounding him, as though a great multitude of identical, melodic baritones were harmonizing perfectly to form the ominous sound.

 

It was soon obvious that the clown had not been the origin of the voice, for it immediately took a knee, and bowed its head in solemn reverence.

 

“BEHIND YOU!” The voice uttered in response to Max’s unuttered question.

 

Max glanced in the shock of horror and disgust (no way this is happening!) over his shoulder, and then, as if to complete the disbelief, the entirety of the building wherein the dance was supposed to have been held rippled like a morphing fluid.

 

Strange, fleshy pustules of dull purple and faded reds burst through the front doors, taking shape as though cocoons in formation. The arch of the entryway warped into an off-white plaster. The upper windows burst as enormous, bulging, bloodshot yellow eyeballs formed in their wells. The square corners and logical geometry of the structure began pulsing, warping, changing color and consistency into a massive, contorted architecture, the aesthetics of which fell somewhere between amusement and sick, twisted terror. The building had become as a giant, living clown’s head, like one might expect to find at the entrance of a sociopath’s carnival or a sinister funhouse.

 

Somehow, without moving, the eyes fixed themselves on Max. The unmoving mouth over the entryway vibrating gently as the voice went on. “I AM SHA’ALRANG.” It boomed.

 

Max stared in disbelief. He knew what he wanted next to say, but his voice refused to obey. His head swam with everything he was seeing. The massacred faces on the poles, the bladed butcher, his girlfriend limp on the grass, possibly already dead, and now, the building was simply too much to handle. His mind went blank, numb, as though the entire emotional spectrum shut down to defend itself form the overload.

 

Still kneeling, he raised his eyes, which were now blank with numb exhaustion, and locked them in the eyes of the grotesque structure. “What the hell are you?” he whispered monotonously.

 

“I AM HE THAT BINDS THE GENERATIONS” boomed the voice again. “I WAS WITH MAN BEFORE HE KNEW ME, AND WITH WOMAN BEFORE I WAS SCORNED. I AM THE JOY, THE FEAR, AND THE PLAGUE OF ALL MANKIND. WITHOUT ME NONE MAY LIVE; WITH ME, NONE SHALL DIE IN VAIN.”

 

“What are you ranting about? Tell me who you are.”

 

“I RESIDE IN THE HEART OF EVERY BEING FROM BIRTH.” It went on. “FROM ME COMES ALL LIFE. OUT OF ME IS ALL HUMAN ACTION MOTIVATED.”

 

“Love.”

 

“OH HOW SIMPLE YOU THINK!” It mocked, finally acknowledging Max’s speech. “LOVE IS NOT WITHOUT HATE. I AM THE DICHOTOMY, THE PARADOX, THE INTRICATE FIBER FIVER THAT BINDS THE OPPOSITION OF THE TWO FORCES, FROM WHENCE SPRINGS ALL HUMAN EMOTION. I AM LOVE. I AM EVERYTHING.”

 

“What do you want with us? What do you want with Robyn?”

 

“TO CURE YOU.” The voice echoed in the sinister night air.

 

Without audible bidding from its master, the clown scooped up the unconscious bundle and, with her cradled in its blood-stained arms, it carried her effortlessly toward the place where Max knelt. Gently, it stroked her cheek with its grotesque, pale finger. Waking up, she may have found the gesture comforting, had the ivory face, red eyes, and long fangs not filled her vision.

 

Terror rose in her throat as she prepared to scream, but she was cut short as its hand covered her mouth. She recoiled slightly as its awful breath filled her nostrils. It smelled of iron and sulfur and it made her dizzy. Her eyes swam, the long lines of thick saliva hanging from the monster’s palette running together in her blurred vision. The muscles in her strong legs that momentarily seized up in fear relaxed, as she fell into a hypnotic state. She heard the irregular breathing of her cradle-captor, and the distant boom of Sha’alrang’s penetrating voice, but it was all through the hazy filter of her trance.

 

The menace laid her on her hands and knees next to Max, as if they were to bow before the great embodied force. Robyn’s limbs wobbled under her weight, and Max began struggling against paralysis to hold on to her. He could not force himself to do so. His body would not react. He looked fiercely, yet pleadingly, at Sha’alrang. A moment, and then, as if in answer, a brilliant, ultraviolet-like light shone out of its eyes, windows, doors, and mouth. The paralysis lifted, and Max lunged at her, catching her just as her arms buckled underneath her. The paralysis reassumed, freezing him with his arms wrapped around her, supporting her in her hypnosis.

 

“Let her go!” he ordered softly, his anger returning.

 

“I CAN’T DO THAT. YOU ARE THE REASON SHE IS HERE.”

 

“Yeah, because I thought we were going to a Halloween dance, not volunteering for a pagan sacrifice to the patron saint of the three-ring circus!” Max spat.

 

“YOUR UNION WITH HER IS A MOCKERY OF LOVE!” Sha’alrang’s voice shook the earth underneath them, the first hint of genuine anger creeping into the demonic timbre.

 

“It’s not like that!” Insisted Max, as readily convincing himself as anyone else. “We’ve liked each other for a long time. She tends to make me feel better when life gets tough, so I thought…”

 

“YOUR STATUS WITH HER, YOUR ATTRACTION TO HER, EVEN THE SACRED ACT OF A KISS, WHEN MISUSED, IS IDOLOTRY, AND MUST BE PUNISHED.”

 

“Then punish me, not her! She did nothing to deserve…”

 

“ARE YOU WILLING TO DESTROY YOURSELF SO THAT SHE MAY CONTINUE NOT LOVING YOU? CAN YOU ENDURE A LIFE WITHOUT MY CONTINUED GRACE? YOUR AFFECTION FOR HER WILL FADE, LEAVING ONLY AN EMPTY SHELL OF A TATTERED EMOTION. I AM SPARING HER THAT PAIN.”

 

“You’re going to kill her…” Max whispered, fear creeping into his voice and heart.

 

“NO,” exclaimed the great monster. “YOU ARE!”

 

Max became immediately aware of hundreds of shadows wandering towards them through the forest of decapitation before them. As they entered the light, Max felt himself preparing to wretch again as he identified them as the headless bodies of his classmates, all fallen victim to the same unknowing manifestation of faux love. As if they still loved, they continued forward, stopping in ranks just yards away from Robyn and Max.

 

The foremost among them, wearing a heavily bloodstained suit coat complete with boutonnière, raised its would-be limp hand and brought it towards it chest, cupping the flower pinned on its left lapel. Max wasn’t sure if the little pin was red to begin with, or if the sickening amounts of gore left from the decapitation had stained it so.

 

In a horrific instant, the pale hand of the body plunged deep into its chest, shattering ribs and fingers alike with a sound that caused the devil himself to wince. Without falter, the hand reappeared, holding the still heart of its host. It was gray-brown and mangled, but the plethora of arteries and veins hanging from the heap still dripped with crimson blood. The drips, however, never reached the ground. Rather, they seemed to fade from existence, as though passing into a more blissful reality.

 

Meanwhile, the left hand rose as well, producing a great kitchen knife of comparable size to that of Sha’alrang’s humanoid minion. With a jolt, the knife plunged deep into the heart, and the body went limp and fell in a heap upon the cool pavement. From the heart rose a great star of ultraviolet light, which floated daintily until it rested above Max’s head.

 

A second headless being approached where the first one lay and picked up the knife. In an equally awful display, it repeated the procedure. Again, the ball of dark energy rose and joined the first, nearly close enough for Max to touch.

 

He felt sick, but Max’s stomach refused to react while, one-by-one, the macabre ritual was observed. Again, again, and again, the bodies fell, the halo of dark energy growing in intensity until it consumed Max’s vision, encompassed him, taking hold of him, inside and out.

 

“NOW!” boomed Sha’alrang. “LET JUSTICE BE DONE!”

 

Max felt himself rise up onto his knees, still clutching Robyn in her trance. His muscles were moving completely independent of his command. He struggled and fought against the pull of the evil power, but to no avail. It held him firm as he awaited th next step in the bedamned ritual. Finally, the last of the headless took the heart and fell, handing the knife off to the clown.

 

That thing started all this, Max thought. Now it intends to finish it.

 

Knife in hand, it approached slowly, deliberately. Again sans commande, Max reached out and took the knife from the creature by the handle, still supporting Robyn in the arms that were no longer his.

 

“Please,” he begged, looking at Sha’alrang pleadingly. “Don’t make me do this!”

 

“MERCY IS IN YOUR HANDS. DEAL RIGHTEOUSLY.”

 

Tears flowed freely from his eyes as Max glanced over her slender form, her kind eyes locked in trance, her hands unwilling to stop all this.

 

“Mercy is in my hands,” Max repeated, as he closed Robyn’s eyes. A tear fell as his hand drew the blade across her unblemished throat, spilling her blood across the alter of pavement. Openly sobbing now, he cradles her body against his as her heartbeat rapidly dwindled, and then stopped.

 

Running his fingers through her one-brown hair, he whispered softly in his indignation, “I hate you!” And he rose to his feed, setting Robyn’s body gently on the blacktop. His gaze tore away from her and locked on Sha’alrang’s great gaping mouth. He said again, “I hate you. Now you DIE!!!!” he ran at full speed, knife in hand, charging down the great and spacious building, driving the knife again and again into the hard wood. The great force showed no reaction. Max could not kill him. Turning away and glaring at the minion, he charged with the same ferocity, eager to seek his consolation prize. The creature rolled Max aside with little effort. He charged again at Sha’alrang, falling to his knees at its base, emotionally exhausted. He jammed the knife into the beam again halfheartedly, succumbing to the sobs and sickness overtaking him.

 

“WELL DONE, CHILD!”

 

“I killed her!” he bawled, dropping the knife on the cold concrete.

 

“YOU HAVE APPEASED YOUR MASTER, AND THAT IS ALL THAT MATTERS.”

 

“She can’t possibly be worth it!” Max sobbed.

 

“YOU CAN’T YET KNOW THAT, CHILD; YOU HAVE YET TO CLAIM YOUR REWARD.”

 

“Go to hell!” Max shouted.

 

“THE IRONY IN YOUR WORDS RUNS DEEPER THAN YOU KNOW. NEVERTHELESS…” the great glass doors creaked open. That same brilliant, ultraviolet light blasted forth from the interior. “ENTER,” Sha’alrang ordered. “AND REAP SALVATION FROM YOUR CARNAL IDOLATRY”

 

Tear-streaked and blood-stained, Max rose to his feet.

 

“I hate you.” He whispered again. “And I hate me too.”

 

“COME!” The power ordered.

 

With a final tear running crimson in the blood and abnormal highlight, Max took a step towards the gaping entryway and blinding luminescence. The blanket of lumière foncée stretched out, wrapping itself around him from the inside-out, healing the awful sting of guilt in his heart.

 

Taking hold of him in totality, his eyes closed as he ascended into bliss eternal.

 
 
 

   
It's taken me so long to post this.

Her eyes fell to the ground, as she pondered what her next action might be. She knew what was coming, she knew there was a choice to be made.. and she knew that she wasn't the type to be swayed. But, why? Why now does she doubt her decisions?.. Why is she now questioning the very morals that she used to base her life upon?

"Come on, baby!" He cried. "You know that I'm only trying to bring us closer! I swear that I only want this because I know that we will be together, no matter what.. because, I love you! I thought that maybe you felt the same way.." "You know I love you! .. Why do you think that I want to make sure this is kept special" She asked. "Besides, I've got to get home.. I'm already late enough as it is!" she continued. But, silence was all that was to be heard from Him on that cold damp night in late March. Soon his cold stare moved from her direction, to the moon. This wasn't the first time this type of a thing had played out. Why, it must have been the 10th time, at the very least. She desperately wanted to make him happy, but she knew better than to give up her body. That very night, he called her .. it couldn't have been earlier than 11:00. At first the conversation seemed to be the usual which was exchanged between the two. And, eventually unraveled into the depths of his very mind. "What's wrong? You don't seem like yourself!" She asked. "Why do you always have to ask me what's wrong when it's the same thing everytime?" He answered. "Are you serious right now?.. is this about in the car? ..." she proceeded "because, you know that I love you; and that's why I won't go further with you!" "I just don't get it" He said out of frustration. "You expect me to not hang out with all of my friends who are girls ... you ask me to give up things, and you can't give up this simple little thing for me? I'm not asking you to have sex with me... I just .." "what!?" She said, out of unbelief. "I just always wanted to have a sex life, even if that didn't mean I was having sex. I have wants and needs, and I want to share these things with you and nobody else. I'm just afraid that if I don't share it with you, who will I share it with?".. by this time, she was in tears. She couldn't believe what she was hearing, and yet in some kind of ironic way, she couldn't believe that she wasn't surprised that he would treat her like this. "I'm just tired of crying. I've told you what I'm comfortable with, and if you can't respect that, then you don't have to be in this relationship. But, I'm going to sleep .. Goodnight" She hung up the phone.

The next morning comes, as she wakes up to a message from him, explaining that He's sorry for what he said, and that he was willing to wait forever for her. She accepts his apology and tries to put it in past. The only problem was that no matter how great things were, she could never get his words out of her mind. In some sick way, he was starting to make her believe that it was no big deal. And, in another way, his words haunted her like a ghost. "You can't give up this simple little thing for me?" played through her mind countless times as she held her vintage ring in the palm of her hands. This ring symbolized a promise she had made years ago. The promise of purity. "what is this good for, anyways?" She thought as she tossed her ring from one hand to the other. "It's not like we're not going to be married someday.." she argued in her mind.


A couple weeks passed, and she finds herself having dinner at his house. After dinner, his parents somehow disappeared. "Oh no.." she thought, as she recalled the rules that her parents had set out for her before. "Why don't we go to my room and watch that movie you've been wanting to see" he nudged. "Perfect! But, we can watch it in the living room, right?" she asked. "Yeah, but my brother would probably bother us, so it's best if we watch it in my room" he replied. Innocent enough, huh? Just a movie.. nothing can go wrong, she thought. His bed was one of those couch and bed combinations, so of course he gestured for her to sit on his bed. At first she hezitated, but again persuaded herself that nothing would go wrong. The movie began, and he said "Babe, you're going to love this movie!" "I hope so! I have to hear you all quote it all of the time.. it had better be good!" she said while half laughing. Slowly he moved closer, and closer .. until there was no space in between their faces. He kissed her on the lips, and then twice on the forehead.. then she said "Thanks! But, I actually want to see this movie, remember?" He laughed and said "relax, babe. You're going to watch this movie! I swear!" "Thank you!" she replied. The movie played for about 30 minutes, and suddenly, something came over him. He puts his finger below her chin and pulls her eyes to align with his.. "we're going to be like this for the rest of our lives!" he said. She smiles and replies "I know we will! I love you so much" and he offers an I love you in return. After that, he starts to kiss her. She knew that things were not going in a good direction, and she pulled away. But, he lured her back in even deeper than before. Suddenly, his hands started to explore the curves of her very body. "I can't do this!" She said, repeatedly. And yet he repeated back to her "Yes you can, baby!" She tries to push him off of her, and he pushed back with ten times the force. As though she were watching her own life as a movie, the rest of this charade played out in slow motion to the girl. Every touch, every kiss, every glance.. created to haunt her forever. Slowly, she sank into oblivion as he took advantage of her in all of her brokenness.


Minutes after this all took place, and he had done what he had wanted - she grabbed her clothes while trying not to reveal herself from under the covers. She managed to dress herself entirely, while he was still overwhelmed by what had happened. She stands up and heads for the door, not saying a word. He yells to her "wait!" and she peers for the front door. His parents are still nowhere to be seen, and his brother is missing from sight as well. He runs towards her and holds her tightly in his arms. He says "I'll call you later.. please answer!" And she stares blankly ahead, walking for her car, fumbling for her keys, hoping for an escape.

She runs to her doorstep, just anticipating the tears that will follow her into her room. Her mother says "how was dinner!?".. "FINE!" she says as she runs to her room, afraid that her parents will see right through. They didn't notice, and now it was only her and her thoughts. "Did that really happen?" - "Maybe I'm imagining things!.." "Maybe I didn't say 'no' loud enough .. that's it! He didn't hear me. He must not have known! .. that's it!" and she convinced herself that it was her fault. Not his.


Their relationship was no longer about an emotional relationship, but rather, a physical one. For so long, they had waited. But, for what? For the void that they both now feel. If it was meant to be like this, why did they both feel so empty?

Her thoughts still haunted her. Though she had blocked what she could, his words and actions haunted her every move. Nothing would ever erase the past, nothing would ever erase what happened. As much as she tried to believe that He loved her, she was forced to realize that his love for her was not as strong as he said it was. Nonetheless, she fell victim to the lies. She soon found herself drowning in a sea of lies and deceit. She was convinced that she didn't deserve anything more than what she had been given. Afterall, she messed up as well. She would never be worthy of anything more. "No boy will ever love you more than I can.."


One morning, in the beginning of July, she wakes up. The night before, she had the first good night in a long time. Her boyfriend wasn't able to call her, so she decided to be with some old friends. They made her think about how much she really did love her boyfriend, but at the same time, she just needed to make things right. She cried to God, if there was in fact a God through all of this, "God!! If I am meant to be out, show me the way!" For the first time in a long time, she was honest with herself. And, she was honest with God. That morning, she went to check her messages, never expecting to find what she did. A message from one of her boyfriends friends. She began to lose her breath as she read through each line and analyzed every paragraph. "Unfaithful?.." what!? It's not possible! Oh, but the proof was right in front of her. As she began to realize the reality of her situation, she felt her heart sink to her knees. Through shaking hands and a cry filled voice, she dialed his number. "Tell me it's not true!" she cried. "What did you hear!?" he asked, but she couldn't say anything else. All that she could do was cry in disbelief. And yet, he slowly started to realize what she had heard. "I wanted to tell you!" He said as though he were capable of salvaging her respect for him. She still could not speak. All that he heard from her line, was that of the sobs of a broken heart. 15 minutes must have passed, unable to speak and unable to breathe. But, she started to gain her breath. Through tears, she began to speak. "We were going to elope. And, then we were going to honeymoon in europe! And, when we came home, we would come home to our little house, and you would kiss me as you carried me across the threshhold. And, one day, our house would hold our children - and they would call you Daddy. And, one day, we would hold eachothers hands as we witnessed our children having children. And, we were both going to grow old together. And, we wouldn't be able to hear .. but I was going to hold your hand, and even though you wouldn't be able to hear my words, you would look into my eyes, and you would know that I loved you" With her words, he began to weep.

Seconds turned to minutes, and minutes turned to hours. And every hour just seemed to melt together, until eventually, months had passed. With the change of the seasons, brought the change of her heart. Though she held on with all of her strength, she let go. It didn't happen suddenly, and it never came easy. But this scared little girl, let go of his so called "love" .. and she realized that through pain and through suffering, God is still so very close. Sometimes it's takes those situations, where all that we have is gone.. for us to realize how much we have in Christ. Through brokenness, we are taken in - and we are healed, day to day. And, it's not always going to be easy. And, you're not always going to be liked or even loved for your decisions, by the world .. but, you will always have hope. No pit is so deep, that He is not deeper still. God overcomes, and with Him, we are invincible.

Though we stumble, he will always be the one to pick us up and dust us off. SEEK HIM, through your mistakes, and you will KNOW Him. And that, is the greatest secret to life. Seek, and ye shall find. REGARDLESS of what you've done, or how others have made you feel. God is our source of life, and without Him, we are merely the walking dead. I've been there, and I've felt those things .. but I am out! And I am alive. And, I praise God for the pain he has shown me, because through my hurt, perhaps others will learn from my story.. perhaps they will not have to feel in the ways in which I have felt. Perhaps, my story is a greater story than I could ever conjure up on my own .. perhaps, this is life - and life more abundantly. I know that God is true, because I feel him in my own life, everyday. There is no doubt in my mind that God has and will always be there for me. Through his silence, he listens. And through his words, he moves. I am new. Though I have fallen, he loved me unconditionally. My life is in Him now, and I will never look back. For, I am focusing ahead.





Reality: This was taken from my life. I haven't told anyone yet. I can't really do anything about it legally because he didn't take it all the way. I'm not considering this rape .. I don't know what I'm considering it. I know it wasn't right, and I blocked it from my mind for so long. But, legally, I don't think I can do anything. I know that justice is not mine though. And, I'm okay with that. I feel so transparent, posting this. But, I don't know what to do. I don't know if this is just in my mind, or maybe this happens to alot of girls. I just felt like I needed to post this.

 
 
   
 

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Re: 38 UNBECOMING BUDDHIST - Good point. I've wondered why the master seems to be so reluctant and unwilling...

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