Sadness @ MindSay 
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Dixie currently feels:
Alone
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Blog Poem #1
I'm hiding my emotions from everyone,
I hide behind my fonts and smileys and fun.
The red arial, size twelve. Hides all,
Except the days when I sob, cry and bawl.
Those days are the days when I let everything flow,
I post photos of cuts and leave it all on show.
I'm shit at writing poetry, but everyone says I'm not,
I'm so bad I have to use rhyming dictionaries, a lot.
But poems just sound so wrong when they don't,
A rhyme on the end of each line, or flow it just won't.
I was just laid in bed, holding her under my chin,
She still has your scent, but its vigor is thin.
I hold her too close, my smell is now overpowering her,
But I don't think I can let go, I need to keep a hold of her soft brown fur.
My structure of syllables and prose is just fucked,
Try as I might, my talent's just cooked.
It'll never be whatever it once was,
I've turned it all against myself, because...
I don't even know the reason myself,
I took too much time over your shelf.
If it falls down then we'll all get a pain,
Right in the skull where it'll fall to blame.
Blame the one who didn't tighten the rivets enough,
A defective spanner, she didn't tug it so rough.
Poetry is the worst form of expression in the world.
I don't think I'll try this again... My frustration is heard.
Dixie currently feels:
Dead
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Blog Poem #2
"Scabs"
Whenever I was hyper active,
Enjoying the way I'm supposed to live,
I'd often remark on pointless things,
And smile on the joy that my randomness brings.
I once often remarked, my brain was gooey,
The sky was bluey, glue sticks were gluey,
My brain was so screwy, my Converse were shoey.
The best thing I ever said though:
"My scabs are chewy."
And that's not a lie.
I'd picked one from my knee and gave it a try.
It was crunchy at first, then soft inside,
The surface was squishy, all the blood had dried.
Scabs are only a barrier, a mask, if you will,
They cover the wounds and they will be clean, until...
Until I rip them off again,
I want to see what's under them.
The wound hasn't fully healed.
It's bleeding now, just like when I:
Drove the cold blades into myself,
Sliced off my flesh and cut out some trenches,
I start the war, I fight the war,
I make my own barracks, eat my own stew.
I raise my own weapon, but not to my enemy.
I raise it to myself, and bring it down fast.
Ah... Relief at last.
I've made this once happy poem into something I shouldn't.
Keeping myself happy, content, I knew that I couldn't.
My scabs are all gone now.
I've scraped them away, pow.
All that's there now are the remains of the mark,
The small red indents where my silver blades park.
Where they dance upon me,
Take their fill of my skin, see?
There's one there, one here, one just near my elbow,
One down in the middle, and this one here... Oh...
...Maybe I shouldn't show that one to you.
my grandmother always said if myself and 1000 people were standing in the street and a bird shit i would be the one it landed on
aint that the truth!
So seeing as i'm new here to mindsay, i'll start by telling every one a little about my self,
(is this what i am sposed to do? i have never "blogged' before so i have no idea)
O well my name is Tragedy Mourning, yes that is my real name. i changed it maybe 4 years ago.because i felt that it fits my life an how it has played out.not many people were very pleased about that but who cares anyway i'm a musician i play guitar in a band called eternal mourning and i also have 2 of my own side projects that i do alone i love music really it is my only escape from being on this god forsaken planet, i have alot of diffrent mental disorders no retardation isnt one of them, i have server clinical depression i am bipolar have borderline personality disorder and Schizophrenia, and very bad paranoia i was taking an assload of meds for them but they made me feel like i was a shell and i had no ability to make music my mind always seemed to be blank most of the time and i didnt want to not be able to make music.
here are some of my tragic moments in life
when i was 15 i was in a car with a girl i was dating we were smoking some pot and driving around with a few other people we were the only 2 in the back seat and the girl pulled out a gun she had takin from her father and shot herself.
then when i was 16 i was in a car with 2 other people we were all in the front seat and got into an accident both the driver an passenger were killed i was hurt pretty bad but managed to remain on this fuckin planet.
when i was 19 i was shot in the head by a girl who was sposed to love me.
when i was 20 i consumed 150 hits of acid (triple dipped daffies) to avoid getting caught with them in my pocket.
and a bunch of random shit in between that played some what of a part.
so life went on and i became disconnected from alot of feelings i hated life and just wanted to die (still do but more so now)
well i met this girl wasnt looking to meet a girl it just happened and she went by the name misery it was funny i had already changed my name before meeting her anyways she was known by most every one as misery so when we met she hadnt heard my name yet and she came over to me and said whats up i'm misery i'm like yeah who told you to say that to me and she had no idea what i was talking about so i told her to chill a sec while i went to ask a few suspects who told her to say that and they all said not them kinda weird because another girl who knew her said that has been her name since she was 14 so i went back over were i was and she was still there so we started talkin and she said so whats your name and i said tragedy mourning and she called me an asshole and went to get up i said i'm very serious that is my real name and showed her my id she almost shit when she saw i was for real so she sat back down and we continued to talk about random shit well i was gettin hungry so i said im gettin outta there and she asked me for my number so i gave it to her well every thing seemed the same it was cool i was hangin out with a cool chick she had tattoos and alot of the same interests as me well that same nite it was about 4 am she decided it was a good time to call me ok no big deal i'm a nite person anyways well she wanted to tell me she had the best time talking to me and she hoped she would see me again i said yeah def call me anytime you wanna hang out and that was that
well then next day she called and wanted to hang out so i was like yeah def you wanna go some place or come here and chill and she said let hang out at ur house cuz i dont really like bein out side much so i def didnt have aproblem with that because i myself am not much into hangin out in public...
ok to make a long story short we became boyfriend and girl friend every thing was fucking amazing life actually seemed like it had some kind of good side to it we moved in together and every thing was great for a while well one day we got into an argument for the first time ever and it was the last thing we ever did together and it was over some real stupid shit well
we have talked on the phone alot since then but nothing having to do with our relationship so a few days ago i said msery whats the deal with us and she said there isnt one we are nothing anymore just that easy i was like dude are you serious how can you say that so easy i cant even go one day with out thinking about you so i hung up the phone and she hasnt called me back
well i am having the hardest time dealing with this i feel broken inside like a huge part of me has died and i dont see me healing
I feel like i am going to kill myself it is a very comfortable thought at this point in time i have attempted it a few times for random shit but never over a girl life is looking very dark to me and i feel like there will be some thing better for me if i were off this bullshit planet.... i have no idea what lies beyond this place but its got to be better than this.....
I can't believe how quickly I can still go from doing so well to suddenly feeling awful. I went to Denver and had a great time. I came back and I've been busy, hanging out with friends, doing this, doing that, having fun. I even had to deal with seeing her A LOT at work yesterday and the day before, and still I was doing great. Suddenly today, I just feel like I'm going to lose it, I feel sick to my stomach again - a feeling I haven't had this strongly in at least a month.
I'm at such a strange place. I miss her so much, but I know at the same time that I couldn't ever take her back, even though I'd probably try if the opportunity presented itself. That's what marriage is to me. I made the commitment, and until the divorce is final, I would still try. And through all this, I find myself paying attention to other women in a way I haven't in quite some time. I feel encouraged that I'm able to do this, but at the same time, it makes me sick because the fact is, I'm still legally married. I almost feel torn inside. Part of me is moving forward the way I need to, but the other part is still so jumbled.
Thank God a busy (hopefully fun-filled) weekend is on the way.
It's raining outside
Grey skies and damp soil
Bring my memories to life
If you read this one day
Think of me, wondering about you
Amidst the rains of summer
When dark leaves
Fluttered in the breeze
And sirens wailed in the distance
Lost in the summer downpour
Full of grief
For a life I’ll never see
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