Sadness @ MindSay

I've been asking questions
About everything that's happened
In the past few days.
Never thought I wanted
To see your face.
I never thought
That I'd feel this bad,
When you were gone.
But apparently, I was wrong.

I've been hopelessly scared.
I never thought that I'd care about you..

What am I supposed to do now?
These emotions I feel for you
Are scaring the life out of me.
I never thought that it would matter,
If anything happened to you.
I never thought that I'd care,
Now I do and it's scary.
I don't think I'm falling for you,
I just wish that you were here
And I could show you
That at least somebody cares about you.
Now that you're gone,
Tell me this...How am I supposed to live without you?

This feeling down
Deep in my heart.
Is telling me
That if you were alive,
You'd and I
Would be the best of friends.
So many things are going
Through my head.

I never thought that I'd feel this way.
Now I fear it's too late,
To show you, just how much you mean to me.

What am I supposed to do now?
These emotions I feel for you
Are scaring the life out of me.
I never thought that it would matter,
If anything happened to you.
I never thought that I'd care,
Now I do and it's scary.
I don't think I'm falling for you,
I just wish that you were here
And I could show you
That at least somebody cares about you.
Now that you're gone,
Tell me this...How am I supposed to live without you?

I can't let go now,
No matter how hard I try.
I can't erase all of these feelings,
That I feel for you.
All you needed was someone,
To hold you and tell you
That it'll all be all right...

What am I supposed to do now?
These emotions I feel for you
Are scaring the life out of me.
I never thought that it would matter,
If anything happened to you.
I never thought that I'd care,
Now I do and it's scary.
I don't think I'm falling for you,
I just wish that you were here
And I could show you
That at least somebody cares about you.
Now that you're gone,
Tell me this...How am I supposed to live without you?

[repeat chorus]

I just want you to know,
Down here,
Somebody cares...that someone is me.

My head is still cloudy, my eyes swollen, my face flushed with heat, and my chest heavy with the pains of sorrow. I find myself constantly hiding in bed under my blankets trying to chase away tears. I know there are people who care about and love me, but my body goes through this terrible grief at this time of year. My moods are swinging like a hanged man -- one moment I'm well, the next I'm howling from emotional pain. It's my crazy again. I just admitted myself into the hospital ER this evening. I kinda hobbled in, hyperventilating, choaking on my tears, vomitting up what I just ate, and looking a complete wreck. What triggered this?




An argument over money with my brother. I need to survive on more than $20 a week. He refused to give me anything more than that. I made a list of everything I need to buy. It still didn't matter. My brother refused to budge. But it wasn't really about the money. After he spent more than a week very deathly ill with the H1N1 flu virus (scaring me half to death) I patiently waited for him to be well, waiting constantly by the phone for updates from him. When he's finally well enough to go out to eat, he's a complete sour puss, talking down to me, and flat out insulting me in front of strangers. He tries to apologize, but it gets under my skin.



I love to share my artwork with friends and I consider my brother one of my best friends, but after we get a table and sit down to talk, I pull out my sketchbook to show him my latest illustrated ideas. He scoffs at it and then asks, "Why do I have to look at this?" I almost break into tears. I scoff back with, "You're just like our other relatives, Star, not interested in anything I do. One day you'll regret that." He just gently tells me to shut-up because he's just gotten over the flu and needs silence. "This is why I didn't want to eat out," he says long after we've ordered food and sat down. I can understand being grumpy after being sick, but... my feelings get hurt anyway.



I hold back anything else I could say that would be nasty and maybe that's not such a good thing. Holding back hurt tends to build it up. So all my concern for my brother's well being and my eagerness to share with him after I'm happy he's well is shattered by his sour pussing put-me-downs. I begin to feel like if I can't have my brother's care and approval, how can anyone else really care about me? A dark cloud begins to overshadow the entire day. The more time I spent with my brother, the more he made it clear that spending time with me was a chore he desparately wanted to be over and done with. It's that kind of attitude that compells me to be an introvert.



Why does my family treat me this way? Why can't I have their support and love? Why don't they love my drawings and creations the way my friends do?



After we argued over the money (I have over $300 in the bank, mind you, enough to pay bills and have some fun) I literally exited my brother's car and took off for the hospital because an anxiety fit was coming on. It started to feel like the whole world was crashing down on me and the only place I felt safe was the hospital. By the time I got to the front desk I was sobbing so hard I couldn't articulate what I was going through. Even though I kept telling her not to fuss over me because I'm just depressed, the receptionist felt bad for me and walked me over to the ER. On the way, I nearly lost my dinner, throwing up half of it on the carpet and just feeling very pathetic.


I felt worse in the waiting area trying to control my emotions. There was a little boy nearby who was screaming and he paused when he saw me, an adult, weeping as bad, if not worse, than he was! I laughed while crying, mirroring my own, his eyes twinkled with tears and for a meek little second he seemed to crack a shocked smile back at me, as if his heart were pointing out to his mother, "Hey, Mom, I didn't know grown ups could weep worse than me!"


There's nothing worse than going to the ER for anxiety. Only a psychiatrist can handle you if you're mentally ill, a regular doctor on call at the ER can only pat your shoulder, so to speak. But it's better to have a breakdown in a hospital than it is to just go ape shit on the street. The doctor I did see had asshole bedside manner, making me feel like the anxiety is all in my head, but, hey, "take this pill and go home to relax" and once again I'm left feeling like a problem easily shook off his shoulders.



The nurses on staff tonight all had wonderful bedside manner and were happy to try to distract me from my weeping fit. One way to distract me was to turn on the television and watch the history channel! And the first thing I did with the meesly $20 my brother gave me was rent a few movies. It abates the loneliness and fuels my creativity, but I'm still left with the after taste of sorrow.



As I write this, I begin to figure out what else could be bothering me at this time. October is a month when a lot of violence and emotional break-ups happened to me in both my recent and distant past. The only joy I get out of October is Halloween and Samhain -- the dressing up, the candy, the horror movies that go on sale, and dreaming up ways to decorate my altar, creating spells, working out a list of things I'm thankful for and wish for, blahdee blahdee da! But no matter how much I put it in the back of my mind, my heart skips several beats and my body remembers better than I do what I have survived and I get all bent over with grief. I spend a lot of time in bed this time of year, making me feel all the more of a loser. What can I do to shake out of this?



For the time being, I'm making a mix CD of my favorite haunted house themed music and keeping my chin up believing that nothing can get worse now. Okay, so I have less than $20 to keep me comfy for the rest of the month, or at least until my brother (my payee representative who is the only person authorized to handle my finances until I'm deemed less crazy) decides to agree with me that I need more, so I should make the most of it, right? *grumbles*



Right now I want to just want Taco Bell for supper. I think that is what I'll do. I want to write more off my shoulders, but after re-reading midway through this post, I feel the need to end on a cheery note so friends don't worry about me. I don't often like to write out my feelings this much on my blog anymore. I try to make it a goal to post mostly my art and keep positive about the future. I ache to show off to myself, if no one else, that I am keeping productive, even though I'm not making money and feel the urge to push myself harder to submit my work to publishers. But the act of producing art has a way of keeping me sane and I don't need the rejection of publishers to take away the joy I get out of drawing. I want so BADLY to tell my stories and share my characters with the rest of the world because I really do believe you all will love them, so I create with much emotion, obsessing over details and taking a long while to form ideas and images, etc. Besides feeling sorry for myself, I really feel bad that I am not mentally and emotionally well enough right now to network.



Perhaps I just need to be a little more gentle and patient with myself?

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Alright, I've been feeling shit for over a week now.
I got so upset earlier, I laid on my bed and thought about what I've been doing the last week that I don't normally do. I've compiled a list:

1. I either eat shitloads or nothing at all
2. I can't be bothered showering, brushing my teeth/hair or general hygiene tasks
3. I can't sleep on a nighttime - at least not before 4AM
4. I randomly fall asleep during the day
5. I'm cutting myself every day
6. I can't force myself to cry
7. I don't seem to think very often
8. I can't be bothered talking 
9. I'm not being difficult when mam asks me to do things
10. In effect, I'm actually being nicer to her
11. I'm not turning my light on when it gets dark
12. I'm feeling the need to masturbate a lot - especially at around 12AM-2AM
13. I'm randomly gagging when I put food in my mouth
14. I'm always thirsty
15. I'm getting a lot of headaches
16. I'm getting a lot of random stomach cramps
17. My stomach often feels harder than usual
18. I'm not going to the toilet very often
19. I'm always warmer than usual
20. I can't concentrate on something for very long
21. My excema is going mental
22. My chest always feels tight
23. But I feel less and less bothered to actually take my tablets/inhalers
24. I'm more proned to shouting at Shelly for being stupid, and have done several times
25. I find myself sitting somewhere for an hour and not actually accomplishing or even doing anything
26. I can't keep my head straight for very long - it seems to flop to my right a lot
27. My arms feel very weak
28. As do my fingers and my wrists
29. My eyes sting randomly and my vision fucks up

And I don't even know what the fuck could have triggered it off.
I got depressed earlier over watching this shitty programme with mam - and I don't even know why.

I managed to force myself to cry, and because I can't cut myself at the moment (mam would see, it's far too warm to wear long sleeves to hide them) - I punched myself in the face and smashed my head against my headboard and my wardrobe. I gave myself a massive headache, made my nose bleed a little bit and triggered off my asthma.
Shelly rang me in the midst of all this - then I ended up arguing with her.

I went on MSN to talk to Adam - then I went to lay on my bed again mid-conversation.
He's changed his personal message to angry stuff and his Facebook status is all like "Hmph, some fucking friends" - I don't understand, is he angry at me because I stopped talking?
He just went straight offline too, so maybe he's angry at me as well.

Shelly was angry at me for ages - she used something against me that she shouldn't have and I hung up on her and turned my phone off - then got around to calming down, letting her ring me again - made an effort to sort things out, but it didn't seem to fucking get anywhere.
She even suggested we split up, for if we couldn't go back to being friends - it would affect Ash, and all this.

Sigh, I don't know what the fuck to do with myself.
I was considering jumping out of my window earlier.
It's only about 12 feet from the ground, I wouldn't have died - maybe just broken an arm.
I was actually quite close to sitting on the windowsill - I was knelt on my entertainment stand, with my elbows on the frame - looking down out of it...

For fuck's sake - why can't I just die.
Every time I try to trigger an asthma attack - something MAKES me take my bastard salbutamol and then all my efforts are wasted.
What's the fucking point.

If I knew what the fuck was wrong with me, I'd make an effort to sort it.
But I just don't know.

                 D is gone again; possibly for good this time.  There are only 5 days left of school, now 4, but … it’s still painful.  Again.  He JUST got back; we just had a week and a half together again, but there is a chance he won’t be back the rest of the year.

                Apparently, yesterday’s trip to the dentist to get fluoride painted on his teeth (he HATES the dentist and has had a lot of work done) was too much.  He’d also had a conversation with his sister about the field trip, and was probably having a hard time with the idea that her class would be swimming and our class would not be.  The way the weather is NOBODY will be swimming, because it SUCKS out right now, but still… he lost it, fled into a moderately big city, actually bit, spit on, scratched and kicked his mother (he has NEVER physically hurt her before).  LONG story short, he was taken by the police to a hospital down where the dentist is, and then after a 5-hour wait were told “eh, he’s calm, it’s your choice if we’re going to hospitalize him or not”.  She took him home to discuss options with his case worker, but … not looking good.  I had to work very hard to not cry on the phone; if Nichole was able to hold it together while she told me about her 9-year old son in crisis, I at least owed it to her to not break down, but it will happen by nightfall.  It’s been sitting in my stomach all day.

                Everything else today was fine.  Field Day was cancelled, so we had a regular-ish morning, watched the Time Capsule opening from 10:30 – 11:30, silent read and did some writing, and then they finally watched ‘the Wild’, the movie I’ve voted for the last …. 3 months.  I didn’t even watch.  I feel bad, but I didn’t.  Wasn’t as captivating as I had hoped for.  I read Number the Stars instead.  I love that book.

*The title of my entry today came from A.  I have absolutely no idea why he uttered it.  I just know I really needed a smile today, and he provided me with it.  I hope it did the same for you.