A few weeks ago she told me I was a bad daughter, and tells me a lot that I avoid her (which, to be honest, I sometimes do because I feel incapable of handling her when she's depressed and it brings me down too... silly, I know). I don't think I'm a bad daughter, but I feel like I should have been there more for her. I don't think I really understood the gravity of her situation because I was caught up in my life. I know that it's not my job to be her parent, or anyone's parent yet, however I do feel some of that obligation...
She told me that the therapist that identified her as being at risk to herself, and suffering from chronic depression. My mother also said that because she grew up in an abusive home with a terrible stepfather, she struggles identifying what healthy relationships are, and was against getting therapy for years because she didn't think she needed help and was doing fine on her own... That clearly became no longer the case.
She apologized for being a bad mother, and for not being there for me when I told her that I was raped and was trying to overcome the traumatic stress caused by the incident. That choked me up a bit, mostly because after seeking therapy I really haven't thought too much about what happened. She asked me if I or my brothers felt like we needed to see someone to help us deal with the aftereffects of my parent's divorce, or with her parenting. I told her no. After minoring in psychology in college, I've already turned my own childhood over enough in my mind that I feel comfortable and accepting of my parent's divorce and my mother's parenting. I think I do hold some resentment, but it's nothing that I let affect me or how I act towards them (to my knowledge). I can't speak for my brothers though. From what I've observed, they are each struggling with their own problems, however I don't know if they would be receptive to therapy anyway.
The human experience really is a roller-coaster ride of emotions. I talked to Tony a little bit about what my mother said. I think he feels a bit uncomfortable talking about that sort of stuff because his family doesn't really go into it. However, he is an excellent listener and validates me within reason, which is the healthy thing to do.
Also, in other news.... Whatever I'm allergic to, I've come into contact with it again because my eyes, chest and back are extremely itchy today.... uh-oh.
Isang Madilim na Araw
May mga araw talagang ganito: parang nagkaroon ng isang matinding pagkakampi-kampi ang mga kamalasan at inuulan ka ng kapalpakan. Kanina pa ako nalulungkot dahil sa isang balitang aking narinig. Nakipagkita ako sa isang kaibigan at sya man ay may kalumbayan. Hindi talaga magandang pagsamahin ang dalawang taong wala sa hulog. Para kaming dalawang ibong sugatan na pilit ginagamot ang mga sugat sa katawan. Imaginin mo ang dalawang lasing na parehong pageway-geway kung maglakad at walang patutunguhan ang mga hakbang. Pag mamalasin ka, baka sa kangkungan ka pa pulutin. Or worse, sa jebs ng kalabaw. :p
Dala ko hanggang sa pagpasok ang lungkot. Napabili tuloy ako ng ice cream nang wala sa oras. Comfort food ko yon: wala naman kasing kumakain ng ice cream ang umiiyak. Saka diba pag pinatatahan ang isang bata, karaniwan ng panuhol ng magulang ang lollipop, sorbetes, laruan. Minsan ashumera din ako at nagpi-feeling bata. Malay mo naman, mauto ang sarili kong tumawa. :p
Bakit ba ganon ang buhay? Minsan babatuhan ka ng lifeline, ipapakita sa iyo ang pag-asa pero paglipas lang ng ilang oras, naabo na ang naaaninag mong sagot sa problema. Minsan pag minalas ka, sunod-sunod: yun bang parang kahit ano ang gawin mo e hindi tama/palpak/mali. Binato ka na ng malas, hahagisan ka pa ng lungkot. At pwede ba namang magpatalo si self-pity? Hoy buhay na buhay sya at nagme-major major paramdam sa mga ganoong panahon. At kung pareho tayo ng ugali, hindi mo rin naman sasabihin sa mga taong malapit sa iyo ang anomang bumabagabag sa iyo. Hindi mo masasabi ang specific na bagay na nagpapalungkot, sasabihin mo lang, nalulungkot ka. Wala bang isang mahigpit na yakap dyan? Pahingi naman, para kasi akong malulugmok sa lungkot. Alam mo yung literal na kinakain ng dalamhati ang puso mo? Parang ganoon ang nararamdaman ko. Para akong nauupos na kandila na pag iniwan mo sa isang tabi ay maaaring mamatay ang sindi at hindi na magliwanag. Ang bigat naman sa dibdib nito at parang gustong bumalong ang luha ko. Teka muna teh, nasa opisina ako at wala akong balak na umiyak dito no. Hindi ko style yun! Kahit pa gustong-gusto ko ng umiyak, hindi ako iiyak dito. Never. Kahit kailan. Sana may makita akong nakakatawang bagay para mapangiti ako. Sige na, isa lang. Para naman gumanda na ang aura ng araw ko. Ang liwa-liwanag ng sikat ng araw e parang nalalambungan ng madilim at maitim na ulap ang paligid ko. Huwag ganoon. Ampeyr yun. Bawal malungkot. Bawal sumimangot. Bawal maiyak. Bawal. Kasi wala akong balak magbigay ng rason sa kalungkutan ko. Wala akong balak na mag-explain. Ano sila, sinuswerte? Hindi na oy, ngingiti na lang ako sa harap nila. Magbibitaw ng mga katatawanan. At mamaya, mawawala na rin naman to. Sana mamaya na. Para wala na ito.
Nagmaganda na naman pala ako. Ang haba ng nobela ko. O ayan ha, tumigil ka na lungkot. Pinasikat na kita ng major major ngayong araw na to. Layuan mo na ko, please? Sarado-kandado-nawala-na-ang-susi at wala-namang-duplicate-key ang pinto ng puso ko ngayon. Kaya, tsupi sadness. Hindi ka welcome. Iisnabin muna kita. Goodbye and good riddance! :p
Chuck walked into our room at 2:30 or so, and his face was white and he looked so serious. He saw Lisa's daughter on the computer, but she had headphones on watching a movie, so that was okay. He went over and told Kevin, and based on Kevin's reaction I knew it was beyond serious. And he told Beth and Lori and I and it just felt like a truck had hit me. We're all just...I don't know the word for it. It hits me and then goes away - I don't think I've fully processed it, yet. The positive thing was this sense of community and love for each other - in the library after Jeanine's emotional speech, in the 3/4 hallway... it's everything I'd want to see when something like this happens. Tim was pretty distraught, but Gillian...oh G-d. And Louise was here, too. Gillian lives on her street; she and Emma often drive C and M to school.
What are C and M experiencing right now? I can't imagine being a 5th grader and a 4th grader and knowing my mother would no longer be around. I'm nauseous just imagining what that's like. And they're both such GOOD, SWEET kids, too. It was yesterday morning that they were outside Gillian's room before 8 and Irene and I offered them a game of checkers to occupy their half hour before school started, and I was ribbing C because he claimed he didn't know how to play.
Gillian was visiting Andrea yesterday, and went to give her a hug goodbye and Andrea wouldn't let go. And she had a dream about something like this, and was up all night. I need to find a way to reach out to her; she's been our front line for most of this; I can't fathom what's going on in her life right now.
I haven't even known this for 4 hours yet? 4 hours ago life was normal? I feel like I've turned 30 already (I was 26 this morning, but today, this afternoon has felt like years).
Time for quiet. Hug and kiss as many loved ones as you can.
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