Sad Hard Day @ MindSay 
They're putting him at the school his brother goes to in 2 weeks. I know that sounds like a good idea, but he likes it where he is, and we like having him. Not that he isn't one of the most difficult kids in the class; that goes without saying. He's the one who told me to "fuck off" my first day working in there. But he's still mine and I love him and I don't want him to go.
The counselor today started to tell me about all the horrible things going on in his and Tyrone's lives. And I know it wasn't even scratching the surface, but it was really hard not to cry. I know that parents usually try their best, and that some situations aren't ideal...but my kids. My G-d. How is it I grew up so close to them, but we've had none of the same experiences? That they don't go home to parents who love them and want to read books with them? Or tell them they did a great job or ask them about their day? How do they end up living with their 99-year old grandmother who can't even take care of herself? How isn't there an organization that goes in and fixes these things?
I know we have ACS, aka Child Services, but they're clearly understaffed and under-trained (Nixzmary, anyone?). But really - this is so hard. He doesn't want to leave the school, the systems we have in place, his friends (today, he stood outside for 10 minutes hoping Justin would show up, I know because I found him and stood with him and saw his disappointment when Justin remained absent, another worry of mine), or people like Ms. N and Mr. K who are there for him all the time. He will never tell you this, but he loves it at our school. He feels safe there. But because his brother's been getting into a lot of trouble, and his aunt wants the two of them to be at the same school (even though the schools are an avenue and about 3 blocks apart, if that), he's leaving us. None of us want him to go, but he is.
It's not the teaching of lessons that will make teaching hard for me.
It's things like this that will slowly kill me.
It's time to start over. Grab my life and take control. I let events that happened in January shape my whole year and so far it has been a hard one. Not anymore. Gone are the influences of others, the drama, that damn county line. I'm done with it.
Somewhere along the line I lost myself. And I lost him because of it. One day, I hope he comes back. One day, he will want to. One day, I will find me again. One day soon. Everyone I loved is gone. I have a few left. Real friends. People willing to help a girl who landed flat on her face. And one is willing to give support, and advice, if I will just take it. And I am. Now. Ready to move on. Ready to listen. Ready to act. This is my revival. My reawakening. I am no longer drowning. I will not be buried alive.
Until that day, either one is fine with me, I will work, and work hard. I will bust my ass with everything I have. I will relearn how to live. And one day, I will be ok. And one day, I hope he will come home.
Not in the sense that it's hard to be faithful, no, I've no problem with that, but it's hard going through everyday without your significant other to be with. I can spend the day just thinking of how much I wish she was here and what we'd do if she was.
It's more just being without that special person thats hard for me. I miss her an awful lot.
But, as I've told her, I'll wait as long as she will.
"Why can't I quit you?" Hell of a question when you stop to think about it. Brokeback Mountain - seriously good movie, go see it if you haven't already. And anybody that uses the 'overly graphic' excuse is just making excuses - if you can't handle something like that which actually has a purpose within the scope of artistic expression and telling the story, then you shouldn't ever feel the need to view, rent, or buy porn, because while the movie itself pushed the envelope, the nudity was tame verging on nonexistent. In any case, I really liked it, partly for the story itself, partly for being able to identify with the feel of the middle of poverty-stricken nowhere. And yes, I cried; although while I cried for the characters as I was watching it, on the drive home as I reflected, I cried for myself.
"Why can't I quit you?" Wish I could ask Jay, but he hasn't talked to me in a month - I can't speak for him, but around New Year's is hard for me, - one day I'm fine and miss my friend, the next I'm bitter and angry and want to get dressed up and go out to find someone new. Kinda sad considering this was the second New Year's we spent apart. I'd say the second one since we were together, but that's not completely true - part of what sucks about the blurred line between friends and more that we had last spring. I have President's Day weekend off, and asked if he and his friends wanted to do anything, but so far I haven't heard from him.
You know what's really pathetic? I was out this past weekend with friends, saw this guy walk in the bar, and I immediately thought "hell yeah". As I was shooting him looks while he waited at the counter, I kept asking myself why he had caught my attention so completely. He wasn't hard on the eyes, but he wasn't exactly drool-worthy either. Hair? No, nice length but pretty plain. Eyes? No, nothing special there. Then it hit me - the lips, hard but full, almost to the point of overbalancing the rest of the face. You could have super-imposed them on Jay's... I very nearly threw up when it clicked in my head. How pathetic can you get? Probably not much more than that. People say that you never forget your first love, but come on. Why can't I quit you?
~Ezree
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