Sad @ MindSay

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It's a good thing I didn't really have anything major that was bothering me this week. Well, there was the one thing that arose in Film Studies this morning.
Tuesdays are now assigned to be coursework lessons - so we were in the ICT suite on the 3rd floor, "doing coursework" - only I was attempting to do mine, but I had something stopping me.
I had all the clips I needed on my memory stick - they were all uploaded to the video editor fairly quickly - the same one I use at home - Windows Movie Maker, bog-standard, but it gets the job done. I had my script, I knew how I wanted it to look - I should have been all set to bung the clips together, save the project then edit all the sound at home with WavePad and dub it together.

But I think I'm scared of assembling it. I know there's some clips that haven't worked quite as well. I knew that there would be some jumpiness between certain clips - hence the reason I filmed some "filler clips" - just close-ups of objects and surroundings to break the flow and ease the jump from clip to clip - I did make some form of effort to sort it out. But I just know it's not going to turn out as I'd hoped. Fair enough, the trailer didn't, The Wheelchair didn't. When I wrote Regenbogen Strifen - that didn't.

And the problem is, I'm not even sure WHY I'm so scared of assembling it. :/

I would have told Dianne about this in our session - but it was cancelled.
I worked it out after sitting on the stairs by the room for 15 minutes - then giving up.
She'd actually sent me a text - but I only realised this when I got home and read it.

I told Sarah too - but she said I should just bite the bullet and assemble it.
I did tell her about my Plan B - if it went TOTALLY tits-up and wouldn't get anywhere near a decent grade - I'd take film stills and do the digital storyboard option. But that isn't the point - I shouldn't HAVE TO - I wanted to do the fucking FILM OPTION!

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There's one easy way to tell if a session with Dianne was meaningful: I'll end up crying.
I try so fucking hard to stop myself, this time I was bending my fingers and squeezing my wrists - but as I said to her, if I start, I don't end up stopping.
I spoke to her a little bit about "5 to 15" - I recollected a few events. Those that I didn't think were majorly important, or that I don't think would have affected me that much in the future - but Dianne seemed to think they were useful information.
 
I got my first draft of the film studies coursework back today - Sarah said it's A-grade standard, but the fact I missed out a few chunks of information in places, it's only a C/B. So I'll be adding to it shortly - she's told me I ought to get an A overall for the coursework. I hope so. I want an A for film studies, seeing as how I managed to get one in media studies last year too.
 
I sat on the 2nd floor of the LRC in my break between the session with Dianne and my English lesson. I listened to Spieluhr on repeat for a while, until it started getting on my nerves - then swapped to Silverstein and Blind Guardian. I updated the blogs I'd left blank for Tuesday and Wednesday and had a mooch about on some randomers' blogs.
 
I've always hated English since I came to college - loved it before I came here, then it suddenly just got shit. I despise it even more now that Adam has been put into D block with me. He sits with Siobhan - he was sort of adjacent to me on the tables today, I was in a shit mood and he kept saying random shite to make me smile. I did smile at some of them, but I didn't feel smiley inside. I feel uncomfortable in that room as it is with all the arseholes in there, but it's gotten worse now Adam's there too. Sigh.
 
Hannah pissed me off too. I was simply asking Angela what it was we were supposed to be making notes on, and she goes: "We did the phonology yesterday... YOU KNOW, THE STUDY OF SOUND?"
I just gave her my psycho glare and growled: "I KNOW WHAT FUCKING PHONOLOGY IS."
I'm surprised she didn't retaliate, she looked more surprised than offended at my response. Oh, I fucking hate her. She's always riles me because of her fucking ridiculous nasal-voice, but as soon as someone treats me like I lack intellect, they become hatred targets. Inconsiderate shit-sniffers!
 
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On the bus home, I was listening to Blind Guardian louder than I should have done - and this random old woman kept turning around and giving me weird looks. Fucking slag. You'd think sitting behind an aged person, they'd be too deaf to hear your music. I don't have it THAT loud!
It just sounds louder in small spaces, such as lifts... :)
 
I'm a proper arsehole in the bus station though - I was bounding off to catch up with the bus that was due to leave the bay - and there was this huddle of dirty chavs standing by the railings that just didn't want to move - so I just SHOULDERED one out of the way - the look she gave me was proper funny. I didn't even look at her, I just carried on, fueled by my full-blast Rammstein. :)
 
When I got in, I made myself some of those chicken & bacon motzarella wraps and ate them while I watched Spongebob Squarepants. Nickelodeon seriously couldn't time it better - it always seems to be on whenever I get in. I like watching cartoons after college, it re-fills my happy levels. My happy levels are usually always below centre, but they drop to negative figures when I'm at college. The shithole that it is.
Well, not the building or the tutors or even the lessons - it's the arseholes that are there.
 
I went upstairs, set up my Wii and I finished off Spyro: Enter The Dragonfly.
Good fucking riddance, that's one game I'm not re-playing in a hurry. Thankfully, it was only £3.50, so I didn't waste that much on it. It's not a TERRIBLE game, but compared to the other Spyro games, it just doesn't even compete. And they're on PS1 - this is a GC/PS2 game!
It's just the overall glitchiness that ruins it. All the disappearing floors, voice lags, control reversals, camera freezing and general jumping about makes it a chore. It's also WAY too easy. Having different breath attacks instead of power-up portals is NOT Spyro! The time limits on the power-ups is what makes it fun!
 
And the lack of the locate gems feature doesn't make it harder - it just makes it goddamn tedious. And WHY do you collect DRAGONFLIES? Not eggs, not baby dragons - ach.
I'm glad I'm not the only one who thinks it's wank though - GameFAQs reviewers all only give it 2/10 and 3/10.
I've completed all of the PS1 Spyros at least twice each, because they have excellent replay value - but as per fucking usual, as soon as a mint PS1 series gets ported to PS2, it FAILS.
It happened with Crash, it happened with Parappa The Rapper - it was obviously going to happen to Spyro. :(
 
Tee hee, bad game rant is over. :D
 
 
So, with that pile of crap removed from my to-be-completed games wallet and put back into the box at the bottom of the stack, not to be played again in a hurry - I replaced it with Resident Evil.
Now is the time for me to complete the scenario with Chris. Seeing as how Chris is supposed to be hard mode, I'm very surprised at how easy it is. I'm not sure if it's got to do with the fact I already know my way around due to completing it with Jill - but when I played her scenario, I must have died a good 10 times. I'm at the guardhouse currently and I've not died once. The snake didn't even hurt me, and Chris only gets a shitty shotgun, Forest's bazooka just doesn't seem to be present.
 
I still shit myself when Lisa Trevor came in the outside hut - even though I knew she was coming - she scares the shit out of me. She's what makes the Resi 1 re-make so much scarier. That and all the graphical touch-ups, crimson heads, insane puzzles, extra rooms and the general darker overtone and detailed environments.
 
I should stop talking about games, otherwise I'll just end up turning my blog into a games review. :)

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Wednesdays are just shit - it seems that nothing is ever going to change that. They always have been shit and as far as things have been going for the past 305 blogs, they always will be shit.
 
Tutorial was a pointless chore - just a rant presented in the form of a Powerpoint presentation from this gadge who is in charge of financial shite at Teesside Uni - but I did learn one thing - that scholarship Sarah mentioned; there's no hope in hell of me getting it. The tariff is 400 UCAS points - and there's no way I can get 400 from only three A2s. Fail.
 
Media Studies was an even more pointless chore - AM set us off doing some pointless "rebranding Teesside" work - and I utterly refused to work with nose-up-her-arse-Hannah - coz she's a fucking slag. Thus I was working alone, AM said I could work with Lewis - but Lewis has disappeared off the face of the planet this week. He better be back next week. :(
 
So up until now, the day was just a pointless load of faff - but when Photography came around - I got hyper off my tits - for no apparent reason. Hyper to the point where I thought it was hilarious to kick Shelly's pinhole camera across the car park. IT PROPER ROLLED. No seriously though, it WAS funny - just Shelly was in a pissy mood, so she decided to shout at me. So I proper bounded off back into college and she couldn't catch up with me because I had a massive lead and was walking faster.
 
Sometimes Shelly does this thing where she mentions something that REALLY doesn't need to be brought up - and she MUST do it just for the sheer sake of causing shit. Today she decided to turn around and say:
 
"I found a blonde hair in my bed this morning. It could have been yours, or it could have been Charlie's... OR IT COULD HAVE BEEN MARIA'S!"
 
And I'm like: "WHAT. YOU HAD YOUR EX ROUND."
 
She goes: "Yeah, I said I had A FRIEND round yesterday."
 
Thus, this destroyed my hyper mood. And when I drop from a hyper mood to a sad one - I LAPSE TO FUCK. So it's fucking obvious why I got so upset and refused to let Shelly touch me.
Then once again, she ignores my statement of DON'T TOUCH ME and tries to fucking hug me every three seconds. I mean seriously, can she not fucking listen?
 
Then when she tried to be violent back with me, I slapped her - so she wandered off to the table and sat and cried to herself - while I stood behind her with my half-empty water bottle, ready to BLUDGEON HER if she said the wrong thing.
 
When I had to go to film studies - Shelly stood in my way.
Now for one, it's a fucking stupid idea to stand in my way anywhere - but to stand in my way INFRONT OF A FLIGHT OF STAIRS? I hadn't realised how fucking stupid Shelly was.
 
I had to fucking fight my way past her - and after a run-in with some teachers at the door:
"FUCK OFF."
"Langage!"
"I'm sorry, but: SHE'S PISSING ME OFF - SHE WON'T MOVE OUT OF THE WAY, I HAVE A LESSON AND SHE'S GETTING ON MY NERVES."
 
After I finally fought past her - film studies was yet another wasted effort.
AM told everyone to "think of ideas for their film sequences" - and there's me, having already wrote my whole script THREE WEEKS AGO.
 
I sat right at the back of the room and because I had no other means to hurt myself, I repeatedly hit my knuckles with one of my beasty silver pens until they were red and sore.
 
AM did have a look over my script - she says there's nothing wrong with it, there's nothing I really have to change. She seems more excited about it than I am.
And bloody Ash seems more excited about Spieluhr than I am - it's so frigging weird.

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I seriously fucking scared myself today.
I was reunited with that blackened, blankened emptiness in my head - the very same one I had when I spat on Ash from the top of the wonky stairs, when I punched her in the face by construction and the several major arguments with Shelly where I came close to strangling her.
 
I don't even remember what the build up to it was - I can only remember the during and the afterwards.
I remember getting more and more frustrated with her, knowing she was being a fucking stupid cunt as usual - being so damned selfish, self-centred, self-important, spiteful and generally immature - to the point where I ended up leaning over her, pinning her to my bed by her shoulders - actually not using a massive amount of strength, but she wasn't able to fight me off.
 
I wasn't violent - I didn't hit her - but I spoke with that incredibly sarcastic, patronising, calm-yet-very-violent tone - making no effort to swallow excess saliva - so when I said my harsh consonants, she got my wet rage on her cheeks. And I said a lot of harsh consonants.
 
I wanted her to be scared, and I knew when Shelly gets  that scared, she has accidents. I wanted her to piss herself - I wanted her to be humiliated, ashamed - I wanted her to have no control over herself.
I spoke to her like this for about 10 minutes, then went to sit at my computer for a while. What I did, I don't remember - but she didn't move - she stayed on my bed, laid in the same position.
 
I went back over to her afterwards and returned to what I was doing previously - but harsher.
At one point, I saw her flush red and she started crying hard - as opposed to the watery eyes she'd had for the rest of the time. I had a feeling I may have accomplished what I set out to do - but I made her admit to it to humiliate her further.
 
There's another gap in my recollection - but after this, I went to lay in my special space - between my bed and drawers. I took a pillow and laid on the floor, my head by the boiler and my feet by the desk. I cried a little bit, because I felt guilty. Then I cried a lot, because I was depressed and ashamed.
I couldn't apologise for a very long time - nor could I bring myself to look at Shelly. She made me eventually and I gave a sort-of apology. I don't think it was good enough, but she assured me that it was.
 
She made me tell her some events from "5 to 15" that I don't like talking about. She insists that they have some answers to why I feel the way I do now.
 
Well I'm willing to bet they do - but not as significant as she makes out. She fucking assumes wrong all the time. How dare she fucking assume and then go ahead to state that I ENJOY feeling depressed all the time. No, I'm not fucking content in my own depression. If that was the fucking case, I wouldn't have agreed to more sessions with Dianne. I wouldn't fight with myself every fucking night to stop myself cutting.
She is the fucking stupidest cunt I know. Who the fuck would say I enjoy being depressed? You can CLEARLY fucking see that I don't! Anybody could fucking tell you that!!

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If I was at college this week, I'd have been seeing Dianne today.
Since I've agreed to attend another block of sessions, I really need to think about some issues I'm going to address.
As much as I'm going to despise it, I'll have to talk to her about that period of time that must not be discussed - 1996-2006. Or "5 to 15" as I call it when it's mentioned.
 
Regardless, there's a lot of things that are bothering me.
Though I'm starting to realise causes behind some of them - I'll get an idea, but then I'll doubt it - I'll ponder if it truly is the real reason behind something. Despite the fact I'm right about virtually everything, I have doubts if I'm right about this or not.
 
If only I could express my feelings through my creative assets like I used to.
I can't write, I can't draw - I haven't made any wav. mixes for ages, I'm starting to suck at Photography - the only thing I really have left are videos. Yes, I haven't lost my skill when it comes to writing scripts - but all these ideas I have, all the scripts I've written and planning sheets I've done - will they all be wasted?
 
If that's the case, I won't have anything left. Sigh.