Sad @ MindSay

Has anyone else gone through depression and come out the other end "numb"?
I've never felt like this before, I feel like I want to scream but it doesn't help.
I want to cry but I can't.
I want to be depressed again.
At least when I was depressed I could feel my emotions, I felt human, now what am I?
I'm nothing.
It feels like an itch within your heart that you can never scratch.
There has to be some one out there that feels the way I do?
Anyone?

Dixie currently feels:

 Depressed

 

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Yesterday, whilst Adam was round here again - he told me he can tell when I'm depressed.

 

His main reasoning was, whenever I'm with him, I'm prone to laughing spontaneously for long periods of time. I'll laugh a lot at most seemingly normal things he says.

 

But his reasoning was that when I'm depressed, I don't laugh, I'll only smile minorly.

So I thought, and I applied it - and I found that he was right.

 

So I'm wondering, am I really that obvious?

 

When I'm alone in the house and depressed, I'll wander up and down the passage, staring at the floor.

If I'm laid on the sofa in the living room, I'll stare at my reflection in the fireplace for ages.

If I'm in my room, I usually sit differently in my chair - I'll slouch more, whilst I normally sit really straight.

 

I've also noticed I get less enjoyment from things, and when I think to myself, I swear less, and when I talk, my voice is a lot more emotionless.

 

 

When I'm around others, I'll isolate myself.

 

In school, I'd sit down my aisle, or I'd sit at a table alone.

If I were on a table with others, I'd remain silent, and work quicker, with my head down.

 

 

Yeah, I'm starting to realise.

 

I actually am that obvious.

 

I must've been really sad yesterday, because Adam actually hugged me.

And that never happens.

Maybe I have nothing to give. Nothing to offer other people. Nothing to bring to the world. I just wish something, someone, somewhere would contact me. Without me asking, without me making the first reach. What is so wrong with me that makes no one want me around? I ask them but they say there isn't anything. There has to be. They just don't want to hurt me. Well you know it hurts more when you lie. I'm sick of people. I'm tired of myself. I mess things up and I can't do anything right.

No one cares that I'm alone. No one calls me. I don't fit in anywhere. I'm happy being myself, not conforming just to make friends. But I just wish someone would appreciate it. I want someone to appreciate me. Someone to want me around. Someone to call me just to talk. Without me asking. Without me begging. without me saying a thing. I've asked enough. I've pretty much begged my "friends" to call me sometimes. They don't. They don't want to. If they wanted to, if they cared enough, they would. But they don't.

I feel unimportant. Useless. Incompetent. Unwanted. Un-cared about. Expendable. Like I could just be cut out and no one would notice. All would remain as it was, untouched.

I really wish that my emotions weren't so strong sometimes.  Like that when I didn't get sad, I wasn't soooooooo sad.  It gets to me easily when I am extremely sad, and it changes how I act in a way, at least in my opinion.  More closed off, quiet, having to restrain myself from posting like a billion sad quotes. At least when it's over stuff I have no control over.  Thats the worst kind of being sad, takes longer, and is when I usually am not quite myself. I just don't know. At least I'm not mad or anything like that. Theres really nothing to be mad over...at least theres no broken promises, eh?  Bah. Laura wants me to go out with  her - again.  For the 3rd to see fireworks.  Could be fun. If I can make it in time. I'll be in WI for part of the day, and I have no car. I'll have to talk to her...*sigh*  I told her shes a bad influence today.  Cause she so is....kinda worried.  Oh the 3rd is my ultrasound too, I kinda hope they find SOMETHING so I can stop going through all these tests :( I hate it. I just want to give up already. Deal with the pain.

 

I'm still trying to get through all my blogs and close them up. I unlocked some to certain people. Oh well back to work.

Hopfully things are on the up now

with help from my other mates i think things are going to start going back to how they were, i just don't understand at all how this even happened.

 

i'm very tired alot at the moment this is draining me ttm.

 

xx