Ryan @ MindSay

One of those nights..

I'm alone, on my own.

and thats all I know.

What can I say.. I'm torn. completely torn. Its like some days are fine and I'm okay and I'm doing things to keep my mind off of everything and other days where it hits me right in the face. Yes, its another upset night about the same thing thats been on my mind since the day he left.  I really wish this would be easier.  I wish i was stronger through this but i'm not. I'm so weak.  What do you do when the one person that you care about with all of your heart doesn't love you the same way and will never be with you again. God, I hate this. Why do i have to go through this right now.  I guess it also sucks cause I dont know where he stands and what he feels.  By his myspace i just get a feeling that hes in love with her.  I guess i miss being loved and cared for and wanted.  i dont know. Why Ryan? Why? Why Brittany. Why. Why him. Why. I have no idea why i feel this way about this particular boy. Cant figure it out.  But gosh this sucks. Ryan, are you ever coming back?  What do you want? Are you reading my blog and I just dont know about it? How do you feel about me and will you ever tell me?

My grandma told me to call him and I contemplated on it but i know he never answers.. so I did. and even if he answered, I dont know what i would of said.  I dont know what to say.. I think i'm just really pathetic and really needs to let this go and get over it.

Good news is my first day of work tomorrow at 3. Woo. 3.. thats a good time. :)

You had it all for a pretty little while
And some how you made me smile when I was sad
You took a chance on a bruised and beaten heart
Then you realized you wanted what you had
I guess I should've been more like that

I think what sucks is not having someone there for me now. eh. I go through this stage alot in my life.  especially during summers or on breaks.  Going through days of lack of phone calls from friends or most important never hearing from Ryan but i shouldnt have that bother me so much but yeah. It does. Anyways. Its like every time you leave everyone, all your friends disappear from your life until college starts up again.  The only crappy part was coming from Elim, i felt like all the friends I have made in that one year there, are no longer there. Or they do a really crappy job at contacting me.  I only talk to 4 people from there.  and they are all the people that arnt there anymore either.  Its like you see who your real friends are.  The ones that still talk to you when your far apart.  Of course I talk to Catie, Arela, Heather, Art pretty much all the time with the rare talks with Mike when hes actually online. lol.  I guess i hate being close to people and them not showing me that i'm worth just a phone call to see whats up and a "how are you?" kinda thing.  Summer is great cause we get to go home to our families and to old high school friends.  But.. i only talk to 3 people back home. It doesnt help that I'm 30-40 minutes away from everyone.  I guess i get lonely a lot.. i mean.. constantly.  My grandma has a life. and i.. i don't not until i start my new job. and a part of me thinks that Ryan doesnt care about me anymore. and that hurts completely bad straight to the heart.  Its my fault for falling for him too hard. I dont know.  I tried listening to some of my cds today but had to skip pretty much every song cause it was all love crap that i dont wanna hear right now cause right now, i'm at a point where i feel the most unloved then i have felt in a long time.  Maybe I need my Bible.  Hold on to Jesus. cause his love never ends unlike relationships.  I suck at relationships.  Cant keep a guy more than a few months until they all run off to some other girl.  Like i'm not good enough for them or something.  Maybe i'm doing something wrong? I dont know. I just hate myself for losing Ryan.  I cant stop hating myself over this.  Gosh. I wish i could close my eyes and open and a miracle would happen and i'll be over the whole thing.  But its a slow process for me right now and all summer i gotta work at this whole "get over him" thing. Gosh it hurts so much.  If he wasnt so amazing it'd be easier to let it go.

x0 StillHoldinOn: 7,000 people here load popwer
x0 StillHoldinOn: *power
x0 StillHoldinOn: my friend was getting her teeth clean and the power went out during it lol
lI vE x drEams: LOL
lI vE x drEams: omg
lI vE x drEams: that sucks
lI vE x drEams: u should have fixed teh word load to lost rather than fixing popwer to power
x0 StillHoldinOn: HAHAHA
x0 StillHoldinOn: i didnt even notice

Another sleepless night..
some people change

some things change

Its becoming a habit.  I can't sleep. I can't stop my mind from thinking.  Gosh i feel so empty without Ryan. what the frick is wrong with me.  I LOVE sleep. I do. but I can't sleep.  I miss him so much. I hate this.  My heart is completely screwed up.  I'd take him back in a heartbeat if he asked.  Just an ex that fell hard for her boyfriend but he left.. He knows I love him.  Told him.  Its hard to fall out of love with someone. well at least for me.  I'd feel stupid if i even told him.  cause my heart is already broken enough.  Maybe when I go back to college i'll play it tough like i didnt miss him but gosh there isnt a day go by that i dont miss him.  He hasnt called me.. *sigh*  I wish my phone will ring.  Just hearing his voice.. gosh his voice.. i'm pathetic.  Been drowning my ears with music.  That doesnt get my mind off of him though.  Wish it would.  I dont want to chase after him even though deep down I want to but I think I said all that I could say to him before college ended.  Now its all up to him.  and I'm here completely pathetic cause I'm having the worst time letting this go.  Its hard when you dated someone that you thought the world of. Even still when someone brings his name up i say, "Ryan was completely beautiful to me. and I'll always think hes amazing even if He isnt mine." *sigh* yeah..... I know.. you all are screaming at me saying brittany get over it.  Sorry its just taking me so long to get over it when a part of me just doesnt wanna let it go cause I love the boy. so much. with all of my heart.

Tonight, Arela told me she has to talk to me about something. Which was pretty much all about Ryan. She went on and on about how she doesnt like him and how much of a jerk he is and She said she doesnt understand why i'm sticking up for him.  I told her she just doesnt know him and hes not a jerk. He has his moments where he can be but Ryan as a whole, is not a jerk. Hes not. hes actually a good guy if you got to know him and stop judgeing, holy crap. i ended the conversation saying her and none of our friends will understand why i like him so much or even dated him.  and no one will understand how hard it is for me right now to have him not in my life. Its the hardest thing ever.  I feel like i took alot of things for granted.  You know when you feel like something is missing and you just cant function without that missing piece? Its like that.  yeah, maybe i am crazy for holding on.  Maybe i'll always be the ex.  Maybe he'll never want me back.  Even if thats true, for God's sake, will my friends just let me heal.  I understand you dont like him, shut up already.  I liked Ryan with everything in me.  I looked at him like Hes the most beautiful person I have ever seen.  I looked at him in amazement for everything that he is.  He meant something to me that no guy has ever meant to me that I have ever dated.  If I could take back things that went wrong, I would.  But I can't. And all I can do now is sit on my butt and wait.  Wait and see if he comes back.  and in the mean time enjoy my summer while its here.  If Ryan comes back, then I know i'll deffinately change a lot. especially about myself and how i act.  but if Ryan doesnt come back, then theres nothing I can do but let it go.  Right now, I cant let it go.  I just cant. I feel like every day its getting harder.  One day I'm thinking its getting better but it is completely not.  I wish i could get him off my mind but I can't.  He shows up in my dreams, in my thoughts throughout the day, or even when I listen to a song.  Its like I cant get his memory out of my head. I love Ryan.  I really really love Ryan.  and its hard to stop. It really is hard to stop caring.  I think he said before he left college that I'll miss him or something and in my head was like whatever no. but i'm such a liar. I'll admit. I miss you Ryan, completely.  i wish you'd call. I wish you'd message me.  I just wish you werent so distant.  I just miss you and love you so much. and I hope your doing okay.

I added Cassie finally to my myspace and gave her my pw and stuff to mine which I think was a stupid idea because I hope she doesnt do anything stupid or start anything with anyone.  We'll see. Shes my twin so I should trust her with going into my life but a part of me thinks it wasnt a good idea... Oops.