Running Away @ MindSay

I am angry.

I was hungry so I made food. Then my dad came back. He started bitching about everything. I made food. It was bacon. I only eat it once every 2 maybe 3 months. He started to say a bunch of bullshit that I'm going to die early and all that crap.

And you know what else? I'm PMSing. I have cravings. This is only once in a while. I don't usually eat bacon. I like it but I avoid eating it because I know it's not good for me.

I want my mom.

She is usually on my side on things like this.

I feel like crying.

But I can't.

Because if I cry then my dad will start saying shit like "Why are you crying like that?! STOP CRYING!" or "WHY the hell are you crying over nothing?!"

Then we'll get into another argument. Then he'll say something like "FINE DO WHATEVER THE HELL YOU WANT! I WON'T CARE!"

Then I want to kill myself. Believe it or not I HAVE become suicidal but never to the point where I actually hurt myself. Just to the point where I feel useless and feel like I shouldn't have been born.

If something like this happens again. I think I'm going to run away. Somewhere I know I'll be safe.

Then a few days later I'll see what they are up to. I'll see if they miss me.  They probably will. My sister and Mom will blame my dad. Then my dad will blame me. After that my baby sister will ask "Where is big sister Thina?"

I would go somewhere far away. I would walk for miles and miles. Then when I can, I'm going to find a river and scream as loud as I can.

After a month or so I'll come back. Then I'll see if they are angry or happy. Or both. Then I'll try to explain and my parents won't listen. I would never be allowed outside again.

I see this all happening. Who knows? Maybe they'll disown me. I don't feel sad thinking about it. I actually feel kind of happy.

After that maybe they'll get a divorce. That would be nice. I'd like that. They hate each other.

Well now that my rant is over I would like to say

"Each day is a new canvas to paint upon. Make sure your picture is full of life and happiness, and at the end of the day you don't look at it and wish you had painted something different."

I hate being poor.

 

When your parents live from check to check, w. no extra money, in a house that no one should be living in. . .

 

When you grow up in a state of not getting everything you want. . . Where you wreck your car and you KNOW it'll be years before you get another one. And that one you will have to buy on your own.

 

When you bum cell phone usage off of your best friend.

 

When your power gets cut off at least once every three months for weeks at a time.

And always at the most embarrassing times (Like when your long distance amour is in town)

 

When your siblings get picked on at school because they have holes in their shoes.

 

When you own FOUR pairs of jeans.

And even those are wearing out.

 

When all you can dream about is getting out and starting over.

And never being like your parents.

 

. . .

 

I love my parents.

My mom busts her ass at a job she loves that pays her shit (teaching). She's the least selfish of the two.

My dad just thinks about his truck.

 

But she does w.o new clothes. Wears clothes from the Christian store down the street that make her look 20 years older than she really is.

Just so me and my siblings have new clothes.

Have what we need to start school.

 

There's got to be more to life than this.

 

Than this constant state of poverty.

 

Than the almost bare cabinets and the holes in the floor. The leaking ceilings and the wallpapers that's peeling off the walls.

 

Why do I feel like getting out of NC will save me from this? Why does running away from where I grew up make me feel better? Why does the idea, the planning, of going places no one in my family has been make me feel like I'm accomplishing my dreams?

 

My dreams have changed since last year.

 

I no longer just dream of being that successful journalist in a big city making lots of money and living comfortably.

 

Now I dream of escaping what I grew up in.

Of never being like my parents.

I want to place myself in a completely different setting. . . In hopes that I might make a life for me that my parents couldn't make for themselves.

Not in an attempt to shut them out, no.

 

I call it an attempt to become everything I ever wanted while growing up.

I want to give the children I might one day everything I didn't get.

I want them to be spoiled rotten by parents who would do anything for them.

To never be picked on (Even though I can't say I have been. I haven't)

To never feel embarrassed by where and what they live in and at.

 

My mom can say she's insulted by Nick asking if he's my ticket out of NC.

 

He doesn't have to be my ticket.

 

I'll get out regardless.

 

But I sure would love his company along the way.

I watched a movie tonight on TV...can't remember what it was called but it made me think a little bit about relationships.

 

Every time you get out of one..whether it be that you got broken up with, it was a mutual decision, or you broke up with someone..it always feels bad. I know it does for me, I'm not sure about everyone else. It's usually me getting broken up with though......so I always feel horrible. Oh well. Anyways, sometimes it's better to just say goodbye and not really talk to that person much anymore, becuase you can't hold onto something you might never have again...and if you continue to talk to that person--it'll only make you fall further for them

 

Sometimes moving on with the rest of your life starts with goodbye...  That's part of a song by Carrie Underwood that I just thought of while I was writing that. It's kind of true in a sense. Sometimes the things that you think you need and want are the things you need to leave and start over with. There are things that can stay, and things that should go...others significant, and some not so important. It's kind of like you hold onto some things because you feel empty without them, but they make you feel awful.......it's hard to leave them behind and move on, but sometimes that's just what you need.

 

People run away from things a lot....if it's relationships, or problems, or emotions....we all try avoiding something at one point, and it's honestly not worth it because you still have to face it sooner or later. Like me--I avoid relationships and liking guys right now, just because I've been hurt so much, and I know it'll have to end sometime, but right now I'm feeling alright that I don't have to hurt......but I'm afraid now that when I break down my walls and start letting people in--I'll hurt worse than ever and fall faster than I've ever fell before. There are a few things I'm afraid of..and none of them are something I can talk to or face....it's all emotional or something on the lines of that. I'm afraid of failing, of disappointing my parents and relatives, of letting people get too close and getting hurt, of being alone all my life and never being able to find the right one for me, and of never achieving the goals I have for myself. I've never understood why exactly I get to be this way...but things just build up, and then suddenly I can't do some of the things I could before and I start to back away from things..close up, and shut people out. I don't like doing it...actually, I hate doing it. But I don't know how to stop. I'm always there for other people, but I can't seem to open up to many....and I want to be able to, because then things would maybe be easier, I wouldn't hurt so much.....I just don't know how.

 

Well, there's my rant for the day. G'nite.

 

<3 Nicole

Got us an old fashioned cattle roundup goin' on the expressway this mornin'. A cattle truck jacknifed on the expressway and it seems that cattle are running free everywhere.  25 are still out there somewhere....  Wonder if they planned it....rocking the truck till it turned on its side...then making a break for it.   Now they're on the lam.....lol.

"you know we will always love you and keep loving you, no matter what"
yeah right... "your friend aren't coming over anymore!!! we're sick of it! You have to learn to behave when our friends are around!!!!" ehmm.. WHAT?! My real friends've never come over!!! wtf!! you won't even let me see them!! I have to see them in SECRET?! what the hell's that shit?! Lol, I know what I'm gonna do, I guess Oliver was right after all :) They're gonna have to dress up nicely, come over to my house and ask if I'm at home, wonder how my parents'd react, lol.I might ask them to do it after all :)I've tried to imagine the looks on their faces, but i just can't.
I wanted to run away just now again. Go to his place, stay the night, go home tomorrow. Wonder how they'd react about that....
I saw him in secret again today, it was ok, I was really glad to see him :) Talking about marriage, lol, and kids and bringing them up and work and stuff, lol, also talking about stealing a screwdriver, lol, asshole, lol.y'know... I LUV U IBE!! :) You're my little toyboy, hehe :) At least that's what you say, lol.
<33 Shit happens, a lot, to me, whatever, as long as I've got u guys :) luv ya
p.s.: Sven, you rule2