Ruined @ MindSay

so here's a story.

on April 18, 2008. i lost the only girl i would ever consider as my best friend.
i'm being serious.
and why? you'd never guess.
boys.

for real.
girls may be poison,
but boys are death.


i think this is why i was so afraid to befriend boys when i was younger.
that seems so off because i'm gay, but i seriously just didn't want to be around guys. not even as friends.
now i do, seeing as girls are ridiculously stupid. boys are more laid-back and straight forward. more athletic, so we actually do things instead of sitting around talking shit. it's great fun.
but anyways.

this is what i think i was afraid of: the bisexuals.
Bisexuals aren't my favorite anyways, in fact, they're worse than straight girls.
for the most part, obviously. i'm not speaking for all bisexuals of the world here. just my experiences.
this included.

so, boy meets girl. have a great time.
sorry kids, good things aren't forever. it ends.
stay friends. that's good. at least it's not awkward? of course not.

so, girl ruins boy's friendship with other boy.
or at least tries to.
boys' friendship is too strong for girl. girl backs off.

so, girl goes to other girl.
other girl that both the boys hang with.
other girl that likes girls. that's known her forever.
that is her best friend since 7th grade.

fine, right?
well girl likes this girl she's just gone to.
girl that's friends with the boys, doesn't care much.
she's not interested in anyone too badly.

so, girl that left the boys wants more with the other girl.
other girl says no. she doesn't want to hurt her guy friends.
even if those boys are over it and have moved onto other girls.
other girl doesn't want to do anything and doesn't want to seem like a stealer.



ruined.

I've come to realize a few things once again...and I seem to be doing that a lot lately. There are quite a few things that keep bugging me, but at the same time I've come to know and believe a lot of other things.

 

First, I'll start by stating the not so good things, but I probably won't really explain them. I've come to terms with the fact that the bitch that robbed my house has never made me feel so scared, violated, and disgusting...all just by the single action of her going through my house and stealing a bunch of valuables. I'm starting to come to terms with the fact that as time goes on--I'm not getting very good at trusting people, because it's not getting any easier. Sometimes, I still get nervous/anxious/sad for no reason, and then end up thinking about things too hard...which results in tears, or just a depressing mood (which right now doesn't last too long). I've become more of a "bitch" or in other words--I just don't care that much anymore for certain things, and I'm leaving them behind...but in other situations I've become more caring and loveable. There are a few others, but I don't feel like typing them.

 

On the other hand, there are many things I've come to face...but they're better. And these I will probably do a little more explaining on.

 

I kept my promise to Brad that we would still be friends. I told him we would continue to be friends...even if we weren't close. Turns out--we've only grown closer. He actually promised me last week that he'd still be around in ten years...and that he wants me to be happy--even if he's not the guy I end up waking up next to every morning.

 

With the help of Alan, Brad, Alex, and a few others--I'm starting to actually believe I'm beautiful, that I actually mean something, and that I deserve someone special who can treat me right. For so long, all I did was put myself down and I never believed in myself at all, and I'm still not good at taking compliments--but I'm getting better at that. I used to think I was ugly and so fat...that I didn't mean anything to anyone, and no one would care if I just left without a glance back...and that I didn't deserve anything good because I wasn't worth it, and nobody could love someone like me. With a lot of convincing, and finally getting rid of a bad egg in my group of friends--I'm finally starting to believe in myself, and I'm becoming more confident. I'm becoming a flirt, and more of a tease, too....but I don't mind that....cuz the way I see it--I can play with your heart if you play with mine, or we can just do casual flirting with nothing attatched.

 

I lost someone I considered a best friend for five years, but in the process I've gained more friends...a lot of happiness...and some confidence. I think she partially held me back, and I'm done letting people do that to me. I've lost one, become close with a few others, made new friends, and kept old ones...and I'm okay with that. Since losing her, everyone has noticed a newfound happiness--my mom actually made a comment at dinner a few nights ago.

 

I've also realized I'm completly done with caring what people think about me anymore...I don't know if that's a good or bad thing yet. I'm just sick of people holding me back...sick of caring and getting down on myself about something only a few people probably notice...and done caring and getting nothing in return. I know I'm a little young to be saying that...but sometimes I feel like I'm a grown-up stuck in an eighteen year old's body because I had to grow up fast, and I've been through stuff that some people haven't.

 

My friends have been there for me through so much, and I thank them all for that--because honestly, none of them had to stick around at all, and no one had to listen. I'm thankful I have them in my life.

 

I've got everything all figured out for my future...and all I have to do now is get there. I'm going to college to become a nurse...and if someone special comes along--I'll have to learn how to let them in, but I can work with that. New friends? I'm going to do that, too. Just give me time, and every simple detail will be figured out--all the pieces will be put into place.

 

Even though I don't believe in God....this song is one of them that are inspiring me right now... GOD LOVES UGLY by JORDIN SPARKS 

Andddd.....goodnight everyone, have a great day!!

My life is a wreck.

I've been getting high for the past 2 weeks straight. It's either smoking a couple bowls or downing rum with a couple sleeping pills. For the first time in my life I've actually had nothing to worry about; utter tranquility. I know what I'm doing is destructive, but it's a step above daily life anymore. I'm only happy when I'm dreaming. If I knew of a way to sleep more than 24 hours in a day I'd be doing it right now. I have the greatest of dreams after smoking a blunt. I've never had a better nights rest before I started drinking rum and taking sleeping pills.  It flushes away all my bad thoughts and the euphoria is downright orgasmic.

I can't take everyone's pressure anymore...if this is the alternative to suicide, I feel I can cope rather well.

Friends are busy. Andy's an asshole. I miss Kriss. I was in a good mood but Andy ruined it. I need a shower. Kriss is having a shower ^^.I hope to see a movie with a friend tonight, or do something to get out at least. The one I hope to go out with, I went out with last night as well. He is nice and funny. He's very ticklish, hehe- cuddly too. Feeling a little better...

Love is such a loaded word.

The inevitable conversation that would follow my writing of that post was supposed to go very differently. It was supposed to be a playfull waltz of me throwing seeds of doubt that she had anything to do with what I wrote. But when it came down to it...I couldn't do it. I couldn't deny the things I had intended to. My mouse pointer hovered over the checkbox of that post for a long time, and through three drafts. Not long enough, I see now. In the end I could not bring myself to cap it. And now it's messed everything up.

She read, I red. I took the last pull on the lever and the floodgates let through the little that I held in reserve. Now I'm akward, vulnerable, and what's worse, she doesn't see things being the same ever again.

The page I had dedicated to this very topic in my Conferance notes became much busier this morning. I have a heavy, heavy mind. It feels shameful for me to keep dwelling on a past that I can't change, but it kills me how easy it would have been to shut the flow of truth off, and things would be the same between us. Forever. And now....well now there's nothing I can do. Nothing I can do to restore what I destroyed. My heart is full of mourning for this akward but beautiful situation she and I had forged. I am a murderer at his victim's gravesite.

Why did I have to go and open my big mouth? Why can't things ever be the same?

Our conversation became lengthy and heavier as the night progressed. We tried desperately to grasp at anything that remained of our beautiful creation, but to no avail. I became weak and gave into dispair, and it became she that fought me for the survival of our friendship. Despite long hours of deliberation, I'm afraid our concensus was steeped in denial and false hope, but it seems that such things are all that we have left to turn to.

I did not no one could exhaust one's reserve of tears. I never wanted to know that.

So much for my ironman-ish colossal nurve.

Why couldn't I check the other box?

But if I could do it over, I don't know how I could have possibly done it any different. From the very beginning. Every decision I made from Lagoon right on through today...I can't think of anything I could have done different. And despite all that, I'm still here, I stand where I stand with no hope of return. Which leads me to beleive that this is right where I'm supposed to be. That doesn't make me feel any better about it.

But then, Lagoon didn't have to be the beginning, did it? No, no, not at all! The one and only time I went wrong was so many years ago as a child in that classroom...it must have been sixth grade. Yes, yes it was. Oh I had known who she was. She was the quiet little girl that at in the back and shone in her eye the way the rest of us did. The Gift had always been something that had brought people like us together. And it did so again. It was during recess one day, and I felt that I didn't want to go play outside. She was inside reading. She was always reading. I loved that about her.

She came up to me, which was good because being the shy little kid I was she wasn't getting a word out of me. She and I began talking about the things we liked and even the things we beleived. And the Gift shone between us as strong as it ever did. It was telling me to be her friend.

Every other time I had had that experience with The Gift, I had followed it. I had done exactly as it made me feel to do. I owe all my friendships of my early years to that.

So why did I hardly say a word to her for the next four years?

That's the single point of failure, right there. How different would my life have been if I had done as I was told and made her my friend when I had the chance? So many things would have been different! She would have had advice, and I would have listened. I'd have avoided my horemonal tendancies toward other girls, at least to whatever degree a small teen boy can ;) And perhapse the whole episodes of utter denial of the guidance of the prophets could have been avoided. I'd have been a better person.

And yet the tortured longing would have still been there. The constant pull I have always felt...and now realize what it was. Stupid gosh-dang feelings and their ignorance of the way I would like things to be! I can imagine us in the first days of Junior High. I can see the way things would have been as I went three blocks out of my way to walk her to our first day in tenth grade together. She would talk, not so different than she did before yesterday. We would have been closer than now ever possible, because I would have been there to help her with all the bull she's had trudge through. And I would feel that sting, that constant tug to perfrom the idocy I have committed in this reality.

But things would have been different. She would not have been threattened by my revelation. Rather, she would have nodded her head in resigned understanding. "I suppose that makes sense now," she would say in a quiet voice.

And things would have gone on. I would have walked her to school until that fateful day she moved. And oh, if moving wasn't hard enough in this reality, how much harder would it have been in that one? She would have felt even more sedentary, even more attatched to her environment. She would not have her same, inhuman distance from the world, because she would not have needed it in the first place. Such thing is but a defense mechanism, one that she wouldn't need if I had been there. All that sacrificed because a little boy was too embarassed to return her shy offering of friendship.

I remember distinctly how I beat myself up for denying The Gift in that moment. But I did not understand until now why. Even more than I long for our friendship to be what it once was, I long for our friendship to be what it could have been.

I failed you Hannah, and now we've both suffered for it. Hannah, I'm sorry. Oh God, I'm so sorry!