Roommates @ MindSay

I'm officially not moving to San Francisco. I decided a while ago that I wasn't ready, but I finally spilled the beans to Laura. I'm looking at classes at Sierra (the local community college) for this fall. Nick's really happy about the decision, and I won't lie and say that he didn't have anything to do with my decision. He did. But he wasn't so much the impetus as another incentive. It only further tipped the scale. So I'm staying in little Grass Valley. I feel a lot better, having decided that for sure. Now I just have to do the hard part and tell Natalie. Poor girl. Her heart's been set on us three in San Francisco for almost a year. And now I'm bailing on her. But I need to do what's best for me, and I just feel like staying is what's best for me.

Why is it that when someone isn't happy with their life, they try and ruin other people's lives as well?

 

Personally, I don't understand this concept one bit.

 

Other than that it just mimicks the Red Jumpsuit Apparatus' song "Misery Loves It's Company."

 

Or maybe it's the other way around.

 

Either way, it's no fun when people try to bring you down simply because their life is going to shit.

 

Take mine and Rob's roommate for example, Mike.  Mike and Rob have been best friends since the 6th grade.  But lately, Mike's life here hasn't been going so swell.  He failed two classes, one of which he has to pay for out of pocket ($1,300) before he can graduate, he can't pay his bills on his own because he has no job, and pretty much can't help himself at this point.

 

Mike's taken the liberty lately to try and demolish mine and Rob's relationship by telling me things that he claims Rob has said, twists Rob's words around to make them sound bad, and brings up things about Rob's past that I neither never knew about, nor wanted to know about.  For instance, today we all went to Wal-Mart so Rob could pick up his paycheck so we could pay bills.  Well, when we got home, Mike kind of followed me up here and just struck up a conversation.  We got to talking further and he casually brought up the fact that Rob had a past "relationship" with someone I find completely repulsive.

 

Now, I know Rob's been with other women than me, that's a given, but for Mike to bring shit up like that just angers me to no end, because he's sticking his nose where it doesn't belong and that's not right to me.  If Rob had wanted me to know that he'd been with that person, he would have mentioned it.  Or even if I had wanted to know specifics, I could have asked and he would have told me.  But neither of those things happened, and it's not Mike's right to butt into things that way.

 

I feel like I'm in the right on this as far as how I feel, but I'm not 100% sure if it's justified.

 

Am I right or am I wrong?

i guess i feel like i'm about to step off of a precipice
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it's one of those feelings where, you just know, whatever happens, things will never be quite the same again
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but things aren't exactly perfect right now, either
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although, at least you know what you know right now
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i'm not going to lie
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i'm afraid

I have so much to write about! Review is coming up in just a few weeks, I'm so nervous. I mean, this could determine how long I'm in college, what my major is (as they can kick me out if I'm not good enough), and lots of other things. The bunny is doing well, but she still gets her mood swings. She is starting to let us catch her a lot easier when we want to put her back in her cage. She will still bite sometimes, but usually only when she is upset, and she only gets upset when we do something out of the norm, like take her on a car ride. Steve and I are going to be getting a single bedroom apartment in May, we can't stand having roommates anymore! Jan. 6th at about 1-3 am, Steve proposed to me! We are looking at sometime around May/June 2010 to get married. I'm so excited! Steve confronted our roommate last night about smoking weed in the apartment. We came home with my candle burning, incense stuck under the wii to hold it up while the ashes fell on the floor, also one stick in the bathroom, and ashes all over our coffee table, and we could STILL smell the weed! Now, we were under a verbal agreement from the beginning that he wouldn't smoke in the apartment, and I also told him when he first started that it was making me very sick every time he smoked, like I was allergic, and to please stop because I was missing a lot of class due to it. He still wouldn't stop. Last night Steve went off on him, he claims he didn't know I got migraines, and that he didn't know it was affecting me like that. Well, regardless of if it was specifically migraines or not, I told him it was making me sick and stuff. Anyway, he said he would stop, but that we needed to keep the apartment clean. We had it very nice until I had a huge project where I was cutting and pasting tons of stuff, and I needed the living room space to spread it all out. There were a lot of papers on our coffee table and that was it. He tracks in mud, and I don't know what else, pees on the seat in the bathroom, uses Steve's toothbrush sometimes, my razor, he ripped the seat covers in the dining room, and makes them all muddy, because he puts is shoes on them, and makes the entire apartment smell (like weed). But, we need to keep it clean. I refuse to mop the floor, or clean his pee up, I'm not doing his dishes, and I'm also getting tired of having to throw his food out because he leaves it until it gets moldy. Obviously, we are the problem. Anyway, I'm like 7 weeks behind in my lab for computer science. I understand what I'm doing, it just takes like 5 hours for each lab, and it is soooo repetitive! We have to plug in the same algorithm into a psuedocode simulator 5 times, take notes about it, every step it does, and then write a huge report about our findings. I miss being on here, I just don't have the time anymore, I have huge projects, cleaning the apartment, dishes, dinner, and then I do like to try and spend some time with steve, he doesn't get home until 7:30 p.m., and we have to get up before 7! My neurologist wants me to try taking melatonin for sleeping. I joined an all girl, christian service sorority, Its very nice. I'm trying to get a full time, or part time, job for over the summer, wish me luck! But, over all, I'm happy, a little frazzled, and I love, and feel loved! <3 :)

How do you know you've found true love? 'Cuz when you finally end it because things are awful for you, it kills you inside, and months later it hurts to find out that the one you loved now is in love with someone else and looking for marriage advice, engagement ring advice, etc. Maybe I'm just being moody tonight, but yeah. I feel like being all sobby and crying til my guts explode through my eyes. God. What an awful feeling.And now I am crying, in fact, though there's no reason for it. I just feel like cutting myself to no end right now, and that's stupid, because I don't even know why I'm crying right now, I just know I am. I'm crying really hard, and I just want someone to comfort me, and that person isn't calling me back yet, and he's in Arizona, so what the fuck am I supposed to do besides sit here and type and listen to music on the TV? Fuck this. I just want to know what's going to happen in the future and know that maybe someday I'll be all happy and non-hormonally or non-chemically imbalanced, whatever the fuck is wrong with me. I'm just crabby as shit tonight, and I was soo happy, well, happy as I get, earlier hanging out with Cortney.

 

By the way, Cody apologized for cheating on me and being an asshole, but it's way too late for that I realized. He spent the night here and it was like all those feelings came rushing back, and so now I know that I can't get involved. Oh, ps of sorts, the one looking marriage advice is Nate - the one who came over no more than a month ago to fool around, so how can he be looking to get married when we just fooled around not too long ago and he texts me to hear about my sex life, and says he has fantasies about me? I'm just really confused because I shouldn't have any damn feelings for Cody or Nate, but I do, and I think I'm leading Aaron on, he calls me his "princess" and flirts constantly and acts like he did before we "dated" and I broke his heart, and I know, I think, I don't want to start anything up with him, besides friends. At least until I figure out what's going on with Matthew, and so I guess that makes me a cold-hearted bitch, but what am I supposed to do?? Christ.

 

Also, my damn roommates haven't been home to sleep here in over a week and a half. They've been here to change and get toiletries like hairspray, etc, but I don't see them because I'm normally asleep when they come in the early am, or gone at work. Whatever though, kind of? It's just that, it's like I'm living alone. And if that was what I really wanted I would get a one-bedroom apartment and actually BE alone. But I don't know I guess. So, now that I'm done ranting and raving in my fit of tears, I'm going to go peruse the internet and see what I can find, assuming my internet isn't a dick and closes on me 50 million times again....

 

Xo Whitney Marie oX --tears--