Room Mates @ MindSay

seriously, is it my problem because rather than sit in my room alone n be depressed all night i decided to go over to jackie's, or should mike be held responsible because he was the one that wanted to throw a party, he's the one that invited everyone, and therefore should he have been responsible for who was here n what they were doing? i'm so fucking irritated. fuck, someone drank a bottle of plum wine at the beginning of the semester that was me n albert's that was in the fridge, n he was totally down to pay me back even tho he didn't kno who did it. but now? he's saying its not his problem. for fuck's sake, the reason i put it in my room is so no one would drink it!

i knew i should have brought it with me...n i feel like i should have just stayed home depressed last night cuz then i could have kept ppl out, but monique apparently showed up at one point n i might have left with them if they'd offered, so i dunno. i even called monique to try to find out wtf happened n she said she didn't kno. if she is lying, i'd like to think that reanna is a good enough person that if she found out she would tell me n would help get this sorted out. n if stephanie knew who it was, it would be good if she fucked spoke up, too, but w/e.

i'm definitely glad that jackie talked me into bringing puma with us, tho, cuz if ppl got in here n no one seemed to notice, puma could have gotten out n then god knows what might have happened to him. n mike's friend christina, one of the chicks who applied to move in here n might be, is one of the ppl that's let puma out before.

i dunno, i kno it might seem like i'm taking my frustration out on his friends that applied for the place, but the thing is, realistically sure, i don't know that they'll be like mike but they are his friends. usually friends have things in common, so i also can't kno that they won't be like this, n i can't spend a year w/ more spoiled rich drama queens that thro a temper tantrum whenever they don't get their way n are incredibly inconsiderate of my needs.

mike owes me a grand total of $184.25. stephanie owes me $66.25. mike is telling me that i might not see the money from either of them ever. if i don't get paid, i'm canceling both suddenlink- cable AND internet- and pg&e n they can both figure out who's name to put the account under. i don't care, i can live without internet, i'll just have to spend a hell of a lot more time on campus. i don't care, i can live without power. its scary, sure, but i'm not doing this fucking bullshit anymore. i'm pretty sure they're both gonna move out n if mike isn't, i'm going to ask him to n give all the reasons why. i just keep telling myself its only a few more weeks n i'm gonna be gone for four days at the end of this weekend. i really need to stop putting off having that fucking conversation, tho.

saw albert today. he asked how my trip was n i told him that it was good n how proud i am of my brother n how sad i am that i can't show him the videos that i took because he's not gonna know who my brother is unless i watch them with him. he was just like, "yeah, that'll take some arranging..." i then told him about the five page conversation i had in my backpack about why he shouldn't have said a damn thing to cyn, n he was like, "well i had to tell her something." "I wonder why you felt the need to." "because as soon as i saw her we got into a fight." he didn't tell me what he told her, but i'm sure it was none of her fucking business. seriously, that bitch just needs to fuck off n die. after that we just talked about the summer a little n how i kinda wanna meet w/ albert again next thursday at the same time we did this week, only maybe not talk for so long, because i don't think we're tabling next week n i don't kno when i'm gonna see him again. that wouldn't be such a big deal if it weren't for the fact that he doesn't read this blog, but he said he'd read it tonight to see the convo me n cyn have been having. i told him not to tell me that cuz then i'm gonna check, see he hasn't been on n be sad, but he insisted he would. (i see that he has been by, but that might just mean he clicked over here just so it showed up that he did, or maybe he did but he only looked for n read the posts that had me n cyn's messages in them) i guess cyn called him while we were talking n he had to go cuz he was supposed to meet up w/ her, (of course), n i finished telling him that i was worried about the summer cuz i'd never seen him n then we hugged each other "bye." as i pulled away from him i saw cyn walking up outside over his shoulder n i just said, "she's comin!" we said bye then n i paid attention to tabling n he went off w/ her n did whatever they needed to do. its such fucking bullshit...

but yeah, now i need to go to the bathroom n get back to campus to work on my stats homework that's due tomorrow, then i need to come back here n work on the paper for my project that's due wednesday. i hope cyn doesn't get butthurt i if i don't check my myspace for a few fucking days cuz i have school shit to do. (i kno right, so i shouldn't be on here but i go crazy if i don't get some of this shit out! crazier, i mean) that n sean is supposedly coming over tonight finally. if he is i'd better still fucking be in the mood, another reason i'm avoiding myspace n the possibility that i might have gotten something from cyn, but maybe she just didn't respond. i'm just wondering what they both had to do at 11:00 that was so fucking important that she felt the need to walk to the bss n get him if she knew i was tabling there n if she doesn't want to be a further source of stress for me...hmm?

so one of the things i hate about taking greyhound is all of the time it gives me to think. i thought about a lot of things, so many things that i don't even remember them all, but the last couple i do. when we were coming into eureka i saw some kids walking down the street n because of the time of night, i thought about how eureka has raves sometimes. then we drove past the place that has them n the door was open n the lights were on...of course, they have their raves on the first saturday of every month. tonight is the first saturday in april. which of course then made me think of one of the many things i'd thought about earlier- how things have fallen apart. my life was going so well- i had friends, even lovers, n the new semester was about to start. i was undertaking new projects n classes n i had my partners to help support me n get the thro anything. well that all went straight to shit, didn't it all, huh? i especially remember the night cyn went with me when no one else would...good times...

then when we stopped in eureka, one of the guys that had been sitting in the back near me got off the bus. if he was about 5 or 10 years younger, i would have been all over him. i caught a glimpse of his body as he took his sweatshirt off, n damn. a little too old for me, but he did have a great body. he'd said that he was going to see somebody that was female, n i knew i shouldn't have, but i did assume this was some sort of lover. when he got off the bus, i looked out the window n i saw her run to him n kiss him. they were so happy to see each other, n the way their lips locked n they embraced...it wasn't that i was jealous cuz i thought this guy was attractive but a bit too old for me n that chik was probably about my age, but it was the fact that i wasn't going home to that. i wasn't about to get that kind of greeting. even just the one day i was there, there was still something about being at that house in santa clara that made me think of albert. all i could think about was christmas break n just, "i think i should call him cuz i feel like talking to him on the phone," n then the realization that this isn't christmas break, things are very different now, n "oh yeah, i can't." i thought about it, n really i just felt so safe when he was there with me...i felt like things were going to be ok, that i had something secure that would last n i was loved...

so i get home after jackie picks me up n puma's fur is all fucked up. mike said he didn't kno why, stephanie said she didn't kno why, but she said that yesterday when she got home her body wash was opened on the bottom of the shower, so maybe that was it. when i'm done typing this i'm going to clean up his fur a bit, n clean his litter box. there's a ton of dog shit in my room AGAIN! n i told mike n he acted like it was no biggy. and one of the white board markers that i bought on tuesday when i saw cyn n albert at the book store is mysteriously missing from its package in my room, and neither one is on the fridge or the white board downstairs. wtf, guys, its been ONE DAY! i didn't open the damn things until yesterday n i only took one downstairs! is it really that hard kids?

also, i've now officially decided that someone needs to babysit puma next weekend while i'm at WPA. i was going to ask cyn n albert even tho albert is allergic to cats, i don't really trust either of them especially cyn, etc, but the only other person i knew to ask is reanna n there already is a cat at her place so that might have caused problems. that, n at least cyn n albert kno how much puma means to me. jackie n her roomie volunteered to do it, tho. i was really greatful, but i said i wanted to ask around some incase it wasn't ok w/ her landlord, but she said it was cuz the landlady has two cats in her appartment. i decided to say yes because i really have no reason to be relucant to. the thing is, i kinda wanted to see what cyn n albert said first, tho, cuz i was thinking that this might be one way to start trusting cyn again. i'm not saying that this one thing would prove to me that yes, in fact, she doesn't want to make my life worse, but if she had been totally cool with it, (even if albert wasn't), n had treated him well, it would have been a step in the right direction. so much for that, tho. at least puma will be ok.

speaking of cyn...i figured i'd have a message from her waiting for me when i got home, n sure enough, i did:

I'm sorry that your PTSD is giving you problems.  And no I don't understand how I could trigger it, being that I have nothing to do with it, but if that's what happens, I guess that's just the way it is. I know that you and Albert talk for 5-15 minutes or so on the days he gets out of class and I'm not going to avoid going to the BSS building at the times I know you are tabling just so that you won't have to see me.  I'm going to go there whenever I need to see my professors.  As for staying after on the days I do go to see my teachers so that I could see Albert when he gets out of class, I'm not going to avoid it, but I'm not going to make it a point to do that either.  I apologize for the inconvenience, but I am not going to alter my daily choices so that you can have your 5 minutes alone with Albert.

As for the text message I sent you, I sent it to you after Albert mentioned to me that you guys were going to meet later.  And no, you cannot expect him to keep everything you two talk about a secret.  He and I share mostly everything, of course he doesn't reveal everything in every conversation he has with everyone, but he doesn't hide anything either.  So your hopes of him talking to you and me not hearing about it aren't going to happen. 

Once again (although I know you don't want to hear this, again), it would be a good idea to try to get in with your psychologist in order to work through these issues.  I hope you feel better soon, and I hope you are able to make some other real friends, because you do deserve good friends.

now, i'm sorry albert, but u talking to her seems to have made things worse again. i wrote back to her honestly:

its not that i don't want to hear that i should see my psychologist, its just that since ur kinda the reason my life is fucked up right now, it doesn't mean anything coming from u. not only that, but if u really cared about ceasing to be a source of my anxiety, u would not hang around if i'm tabling n such. i didn't realize that was so much to ask for considering how many things u've asked me to do that i've had absolutely no say in what-so-ever. i think that u just asking me to see my psychologist is a way of avoiding the situation still- rather than make a small change just to be considerate to me after all the big changes i've made for u, u'd rather just keep telling me that this is all my problem i have to deal with. albert is right, WE ALL helped dig this grave.

n yes, u do have something to do w/ my PTSD n the fact that i trigger when i see u. if u had "nothing to do with it," as u put, then i wouldn't have to struggle to keep an anxiety attack from happening when i see u. no, ur not the reason i was diagnosed w/ PTSD, but what seeing u triggers for me is a part of that. the fact that YOU specifically trigger me has everything to do w/ u since, again, ur kinda why i'm unhappy.

n yeah, i know that the fact that i talk to albert isn't some big secret from u, but its still not ur business what we talk about, especially not in any sort of detail like he has done.

i'm aggitated cuz i thougth we were done w/ this crap. i honestly don't kno how to say any of that shit any nicer than that, n if me telling her this shit doesn't get thro to her then the only other thing i kno to do is ask albert to talk to her for me, which isn't what i wanted to begin with n it has never gone well. (altho, as u may have noticed, the two of us talking directly to each other never goes according to plan, either) seriously, is it that fucking much to ask? if ur really that fucking concerned about my mental health? stupid bitch...seriously albert, COME ON!!! whatever, i'm sure he won't read this n he'll hear some crap from cyn or who fucking knows...i wish i could trust him, if he'd just kept it private this crap between me n her wouldn't have started up again. she was all fucking, "should we talk? can i do anything to help?" n i fucking tell her n she won't fucking do it. honestly, does n e one see the fucking sense in that?

ug, i was tired but all this dumb crap has got my anxiety going now. i'm gonna try to wash puma off n make an attempt to at least clean his litter box a little bit. this sux.

cyn lost her wallet. i was sitting in my 6:00pm class n i was taking notes on something, n then i looked up n saw her turning around in the doorway. naturally i wondered, "wtf?" she came back in like 2 minutes later n said she'd lost her wallet in the room last night somewhere around 8:00pm. after some looking around no one could find it, so our instructor told her to check the geography department office or UPD. i almost wished i'd found it so i could burn it. part of me feels bad after getting that picture message, but at the same time, her sad = me :D. i really hope she never finds it. then i'd feel a lot better about never finding my USB drive last year, too. i know, that doesn't really make any sense, but i guess its because then i'd know someone that shit happened to, too.

then of course, i started wondering if albert had been with her because he didn't come by at all yesterday, or at least not as of like 10:00pm. he told me when i saw him on monday that he only comes by here when cyn is not around, which i do appreciate, and its hard for him to read it when he is alone because their friend chris from back in fresno is living with them now. he did tell me, tho, that chris really doesn't care, (when chris first came up here albert said he didn't want to get involved in anyway), n yes, i know albert also has other things to do with his time, such as homework, but he's NEVER been very studious and really i think the reason why it gets to me n i somewhat obsess over it, (i surprisingly have been able to block it out fairly well for now), is because the fact that its no big deal to him that he didn't come by for a day is no big deal to him, because it shows me that he's a lot more over this than i am and that he doesn't care about me as much as i care about him. then again, he also just might be better at blocking that shit out, but i guess it would be a little easier if i still had friends n a partner, too, even if my partner was a little cunt n i said i'd never forgive her for letting me get close to someone the way she let him get close to me only to force me to break up with them only to jump back in bed with them not even a full month later.

but anyway, mike is watching something w/ two of his friends downstairs n they have the volume up so loud that is shaking the floor, so i'm gonna tell them to turn it down n relax. i've been sick all day. :(

Again! yay! i'm so excited and so happy. the only thing is i need a ride to san jose and back from here in arcata, and since i still haven't been able to do my laundry i might have to bring two suitcases so i can wash everything and then only take 1 with me to ohio with all the stuff that i need. she said that this week they've been having a blizzard warning and there's tons of snow, and i'm actually kind of excited because i don't ever see that type of weather, lol. preferably it will clear up and be nicer when i'm out there, tho. i'm going to be flying out there next saturday, the 15th, and i will be coming back the saturday after that, the 22nd. there's quite a bit of thoughts in my head right now that i can feel trying to drag me down, but i won't let them, at least not for as long as possible. in 1 week i will be with the only person in this world who truly gets me and i will be miles away from all the people who have and are hurting me. oh i know i'll miss albert like a bitch still, but i'll be ok. i know he will be, it seems like this distance from me hasn't been killing him like it has me.

 

anyway, i think i'm also going to kennel puma again because even tho mike will be here for spring break, he's had his fucking dog tiny here for the past couple weeks and considering that i didn't find out until THURSDAY NIGHT what REALLY happened the first time puma and tiny met when mike first moved in, (i don't feel like getting into it now but it was another one of those things that i forgot to tell albert about yesterday), i don't trust that he won't have tiny here the whole week i'm gone and if something were to happen to puma, god knows if he'd ever tell me. i know, i shouldn't be spending so much money, but i think this is the best way to make sure puma stays safe. (god forbid something happen to the vet's office while i'm gone.) more likely than not i'll have to walk down the street and around the corner when i drop him off and pick him up, but i've done that before.

 

i also just noticed that there's a dead spider on my window sill. i don't know when the fuck that thing showed up cuz this morning while i was finally setting up my printer, (in the nude even!) i put a bunch of shit up there and that spider wasn't there then. if only i could still talk to albert, he'd be getting off of work about now n i could call him n he could get rid of it n help me w/ my laundry n w/ the hermit crab light...oh yeah, that damn thing is broken n i can't afford to just buy a new light so i think i'll have to bring it in my backpack on monday or wednesday, whatever day i can get us to table, and just ask albert on campus n if he can't fix it, which he probably can't, then i'll just buy a new one. hopefully timmy won't be dead by then, but its been pretty nice here. i know that timmy can be ok a week by himself, n if it weren't for that fucking dog puma would be, too.