Romantic @ MindSay

Hi Everyone,

This is my first blog ever so let's see how it turns out. I decided to share with the world my experiences of my first and only love and growing up with it. I hope you enjoy it

In the beginning of my adolesence i loved girls. Any girl if she was pretty. This was quite understandable because it's the first romantic and sexual contact you have, you don't know what your taste is. It's not specified yet. But when you grow older and you had a few small relationships you start to prefer certain types. With me i was still quite easy i had a lot of attention from girls and i liked them based on looks. But sometimes there was an exception i would meet a beautiful girl and she would extremely interesting too. You don't know how to act, you don't always feel comfortable but you want to be with her.

Then it happens, you really, truly fall in love for the first time. You are completely blown away, you just can't stop thinking about her. You want to spend every single minut with her. For me this was the case when i was about sixteen. I was in a bar(i am from holland) and i saw this girl dancing on a stage, she was unbelievibly beautifull, i couldn't stop looking at her and i knew she noticed me. We didn't talk at all that night. But i found out she was going to the same school as me. I became friends with her best friend and one night that friend was over to my place to watch a movie. And she brougt THE girl, i was shellshocked. I couldn't believe it, that girl in my house and i was going to talk to her. So i smartly positioned myself next to her and we watched the movie. This was the most uncomfortable time ever. I wanted to kiss her, talk to her, hold her, everything. But as it turned out she wasn't all that interested in me at least that's what she said. There was also a small problem because her best friend was in love with me.

We started having contact singlely throught chatting and sometimes a phone call. I couldn't stop thinking about her she was an angel to me. One night she came over to watch a movie, just as friends as she repeated multiple times. Because she didn't want to hurt her friend and i also was starting to give up on the fact that we would ever be together. So i looked my best and we watched a movie(a romantic one ofcourse), but during the film there was a lot of tension. I looked at her a she was watching and later i started to notice she looked at me too. At that moment i got an huge adrenaline boost cause for the first time i felt her affection but i also was so tensed cause i didn't knew if i was right. Then after about an hour i wanted to give her a kiss, just a small kiss on the cheek. So when i leaned over it happened, she turned her faced towards me and she kissed me. We didn't see anything of the movie anymore we just couldn't stop kissing, holding each other or just looking at each other. It was truly just surreal, my body had so many different feelings and emotions going at that point. It was new for me i didn't knew what this was or how big this was. My brain was just frozen it couldn't process what was going on. So after the movie i had to bring her back home, we rode our bikes hand in hand and we were truly happy at that point. Just both blown away by these feelings.

So the day after we had to discuss what to do, because we were both quite populair in school and there was always a lot of gossip we didn't any bad talk about us. So i asked here "are you my girlfriend"? She said smiling "i guess". This was amazing in 24 hours the girl i was crazy about was also crazy about me. So we went to school everybody was asking we just couldn't stop smiling we both stood with our own friends answering questions whilst having eyecontact during that whole period. So we started dating there was no sex or anything like that just pure affection. She was not experienced in that field at all. So we were taking everything really slow just haning out, watching movies, walking the dog and stuff like that. But in the mean time our hearts grew together both had some troubles in our childhoods and we were really closed about that except to each other. We could finally talk to somebody we trusted and who understood us. Everything was great.

After about nine months we had sex for the first time, we went to second and first base, but this was all the way. We were quite nervious, home alone, candles it was like it should be. Ofcourse it was a little bit akward it wasn't my first time but it certainly felt so because i really loved her. The first person i loved. It was really special the sex wasn't amazing but he feeling was, it was as if we physically grew together. After there was no stopping sex turned into making love. Hours long of just lying there, complete trust and complete hapiness. We were great!

But then i acted as an idiot. I sometimes was really insecure because i had opened up to her. I completely gave myself for the first time in my life. I always had problems with it, but with her i totally let go. I was scared sometimes that she didn't love me as much as i loved her. At the time i still went to a lot of parties and a lot of girls were interested in me. I always kept them on a safe distance. Then one summer i met a good friend of her, we had really nice contact. I felt the girl was interested in me but my hart was given away. During that time i started doubting more and more if my girlfriend still loved me. Then i got drunk at a party and the friend seduced my, and i cheated on my beautifull perfect girlfriend. We had sex. At the time i didn't realise what i was doing. i knew it was wrong but not what i was doing to my girlfriend. So the next day i thought of telling her but i couldn't i just couldn't. Because i knew i would lose her. For me the sex meant totally nothing but for her it was a knife in the heart. I decided not to tell her.

After about 5 months she found out that i cheated on her. She was cold, distant and hatefull. That second i realised the consequences of my actions i broke her hart en by that broke my own. I screwed up. And i wasn't man enough to tell her i did. That was one of the worst things for her. I wanted to talk to her but she didn't want to see me, she ignored me at school and her friends made sure i couldn't reach her. I was drowning in self pitty and pain. And was just broken by what i had done. After about two months she decided to talk to me. So we met at a bench where we would always sit and enjoy the view just talking and having fun. I was so nervious, but i was also happy i knew i was going to see her from up close again even if she hated me i could still smell her. The smell of how it was, the smell of love, the smell of safety. So we talked she wanted to know why i ofcourse produced a shit answer. And i cried for the first time, for the first time in six years or so, i cried. We both sat there crying, and telling each other how much we loved each other. We started to sit a bit closer and after about an hour we suddenly kissed. It was the best kiss ever we were back! But not for long she had difficulties trusting me and she couldn't go on like nothing happened. I had to earn her trust and there were a lot of talks. The whole time i was fighting to stay with the girl i loved. I wanted to marry her right there and then.

Now we were dating just over two years. She got older and went out more and got a lot of attention of other guys, because i cheated i suspected here too always. I wasn't over jealous but i thought that a lot of guys were better then me. Then when we both finished high school we broke up. She was going to go to London for a year and was going to Australia. We had to figure out how big our love was. And she also had to experience other guys for her sake of knowing how special it was what we had. So she went to London and i was still in Holland. It was really difficult i wanted to be with here but i also knew it would be a great experience for the both of us. We always thought if this is as big as we think we'll end up together anyways. So after two months just before i left to Australia she came over to Holland for a weekend it was truely magical we stayed in the bedroom the whole weekend just enjoying each other. Not letting go, it was just to hard. But we had to. So after three days she went back to London and i was of to the end of the world. Trying to forget her. Trying not to want her. Trying to survive.

I met a lot of girls in Australia but they were all nothing compared to her, they didn't get me. I was annoyed by there beheavior. I just couldn't hang out with them on a romantic level for more than a few days. I still listened to all the songs that reminded me of her. Hours and hours in my bed wishing i would be with her. And sometimes i would call her. She was having an amazing time, she met another guy and she was happy as she was. She told me she wasn't in love with him but that he was a decent guy. I was happy for her, but i was also blowing up. My girl with another guy doing the same things as she did with me. It wasn't about the sex but i could imagine her touching him or stroking him just like she used to do to me. I was hartbroken and on the other side of the world. So i switched my mind and partied for three months straight. I could forget her during the day but always thought of her during the night. I longed to see her eyes and smell her. I couldn't handle it. After a while i started to notice that some memories were fading. Sometimes there was a whole day i wouldn't think of her. I was starting to move on. And was happy about it. After eight months i came back to Holland and was confronted with the femiliair places we used to be together. She was still in London but she felt close.

After a month she finally came back i saw her immediately and we were together for two weeks. There was something diffirent, we both grew up and learned a lot. We were still in love with each other but we felt that we had to split up to grow. So we decided not to go back to each other but have a seperate life for a few years. Both still convinced that we would end up together.

So that's what we're doing right now we both live in Amsterdam and we see each other about once a month and we are still in love. Maybe you can only give your heart away once. Maybe it is just that special between us. Or maybe i'll fall in love tomorrow, i don't know but time will tell. Will we end up together or will we both become happy with somebody else. One thing is for sure there's no day we don't think about each other. Altough we don't see each other that often we are always together. Even now while i am lying in bed writing down our story.

I wish that everybody would fall in love like this. Because it's the most beautifull thing in the world. We have been through some much but everything made us stronger.

Let me know what you think or maybe you have experienced something similair.

Paul

p.s. My apologies for the spelling and grammar, but because i am dutch this isn't my first language.

I like BBQ with a group of people and i love romantic BBQ just with my beloved Kar

Two weeks ago, we purposely drove two hours journey to Gunpowder Falls State Park to barbeque.I was so happy and excited. I brought a lot of stuff, including BBQ grill,propane, cooler with food and fruit, additional clothes, newspaper,etc. I was looked like moving house.

I had never cried in front of Nikki.

Not that the girl hadn't made me cry occasionally in the past.

Perhaps it was the alcohol, this time, I don't know. Although, I doubt that it was much of a factor.

It was the night after my first date with Aimee. I was sitting in Nikki's loungeroom with another of her friends, Matt. All of us had had a little bit to drink, and all of us were sobering up. Nikki was snobbing us, surfing the internet in her room while Matt and I talked.

She came into the room: "David, I saw a picture of that girl on myspace. She's hideous."

I just sat there, kind of stunned. I forget what I said, but I was kind of lost for words. Matt and her started talking about something else, and I continued to sit there, with a blank expression frozen on my face. Suddenly, it was too much, and I silently strode out of the room, got a drink of water, said a brief good night and retired to the spare room.

The tears started to leave my eyes as soon as I had turned the light off and climbed into bed. It's hard to explain why it upset me so much. Maybe I took the insult personally? I don't know. I recall a similar situation roughly a year ago when one of my male friends called Anisha (a girl I had a thing for) ugly. I had to leave the scene then, too.

Nikki must have wondered where I went, and she came looking for me. I managed to give her a teary smile when she came in. She sat down on the side of the bed, and asked me what was wrong.

As I tried to talk about it, the tears really started to flow and my voice broke. I talked about the last few weeks at university, and the amount of stress I had been under. I had talked about my encounter just a week before, when I had gone to Cube (Canberra's gay night club) almost in desperation and picked up a 29 year old man, taken him to a park and kissed him. My self esteem has never been lower than it was at that point. I tried to explain how this girl, Aimee, had suddenly made me feel good about myself again, and that by putting her down, Nikki was kind of kicking me in the guts. This was all perhaps a little garbled, and through tears, but she understood, I think.

Nikki responded that she was just trying to be honest, but admitted that she was jealous. Brutal honesty, as might be gathered, is her forte, although she is never cruel.

She said that it was difficult to accept that there was another girl in my life, and as I replied, we had such a deep friendship that jealousy would inevitably occur when either one of us had a significant other.

I had realised before that this would be something of a problem. As I have posted several times in this blog, I love Nikki. She has also said on a couple of occasions (including during this conversation) that she loves me. How would that work if we were in relationships with other people? Seeing as how we've both been single since I've known her, it has never been a problem up until now.

At this point, the tears had dried up, and I felt much better. We talked of a few other things, and I bid her good night as I opted to stay in bed for the rest of the night, due to tiredness.

Now, let me say something about Matt. He has known Nikki longer than I have, indeed he was there the night I met her. Since that time though, he had only sporadically been in contact with her, and had been extremely jealous of my relationship with her.

Lying in bed, I could hear them talking in her room. Of course, one shouldn't listen into a private conversation, but one rarely does what one should. It immediately became apparent that they were talking about me.

Matt was angry that she had come in and comforted me. He insinuated that I was too weak to stand up for myself, and even that I was trying to take advantage of her. She, to her credit, defended me thoroughly.

Sometime, that night, I realised how much I loved her. It was ironic that it took a thoughtless, even spiteful, comment from her to make me realise that. I also realised that she, although she would be the only one to know the depth of her feeling, loves me.

I have never felt like this with anybody else. Even, as hard as it is to admit, my family does not inspire as much love from me (unless, perhaps, I do love them subconciously). And yet, I have long accepted that Nikki and I will probably never be together.

Have I created something of a nightmarish problem? Will I go through life, unable to have partners simply because my love for them pales compared to my love for Nikki? I am already doubtful of my relationship with Aimee, as my feelings for her are rather non-existent at the present time. She's pretty, and that's about it. That's not to say that I won't grow feelings for her as I get to know her better, but it does not augur well at this point.

Let me put it this way: I had the insane thought, last night, that I could actually marry Nikki. I thought of, kind of half-seriously, proposing to her. Maybe I will some years down the track.

But I've got to realise it's not likely. For one thing, even though she claims she is bisexual, she clearly prefers females. Although, who knows how her mind works, as she has said that she wants to marry a guy eventually. I'm of the opinion that society (mostly in the form of her family) has drummed into her for so long the idea that same-sex attraction is wrong, that she feels guilty of her sexuality and thus wishes to temper it. What, though, does love have to do with sexuality? Must who you love be dictated by who you are sexually attracted to?

It's all far too confusing for me. And now is the last time I should be having such thoughts. Surely I should be concentrating my feelings on Aimee, the girl I'm actually going out with.

But, could I actually cry in front of Aimee? I doubt it.

They sat together in the movie theatre. He had a feeling that they were going to kiss at one point, but was far too nervous to make the first move.

"My hands are cold, could you hold them?" she whispered. He obliged, with a wry smile. Who said subtlety was dead? But, nonetheless, at least she had made the first move... it had had to happen at some point.

The film itself, perhaps fortunately, was quite dull. The fact that he had already seen it ensured that there would be little in the way of distraction on the screen.

He leaned in and gave her a quick kiss on the cheek, blushing as he did so. It wasn't that he hadn't kissed a girl before - indeed there had been no such shyness with Jen just a couple of months before.

It was more the realisation, in his subconcious, that this girl and he might have some kind of a future together. Yes, she was young, only 17, but beautiful all the same, and reasonably mature for her age. Plus, and this was a big plus, she seemed to like him.

That idea was supported by her response, as she gave him a smile. He did not move in again immediately, knowing that timing was important. He always tended to err on the side of caution, which was perhaps his weakest aspect - he was often simply unwilling to do anything, for fear of negative results.

Not this time. He had confidence now, and it was obvious she wanted him to kiss her. He leaned in again. Surprisingly, it took a moment to get into a comfortable position, even after their lips had met - kissing in adjacent seats was evidently not as easy as it looked.

Indeed, it was quite awkward - the kiss, that is, not the situation. He was hardly the most experienced kisser is the world, but he knew the basics. He finished with a gentle kiss on the tip of her nose as he pulled away, making the correct assumption that she would appreciate it.

"How long is it since you last kissed somebody?" she asked. Pointed, perhaps, but he opted not to view it as an incriminating question.

"About 3 months....? You can probably tell," he said, with a humorous tone of voice - and then after a pause: "but I've never kissed a girl as good looking as you."

They kissed once more, some time later. Some kid sitting down the row advised them to get a room, and for her troubles received a good-natured "shut up".

There was one moment that really stuck in his memory above anything else, however. Late in the movie, he caressed her upper arm with his right hand, close to her breast, as she held his other hand. It was at that moment that he realised that she was as nervous as he was - he could feel her heart racing. Perhaps generously, he attributed that to his own actions rather than the action on the screen.

After the end of the film, they talked, got something to eat, talked some more, and he drove her back to her place. This time, rather than the awkward hugs and stuttering goodbyes of the last couple of meetings, he felt justified in giving her a quick kiss on the lips before departing.

He could not wipe the smile off his face on the way home.

On Tuesday night, I asked a girl to see a movie with me.

We saw a French film called Paris, Je T'aime.

She liked it. She likes me as well.

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We met up again this afternoon. We talked in the library for a bit, then went for a walk around a lake.

I want to kiss her. She wants me to kiss her, I think.

For the first time in ages, I feel like I'm a little kid. It's all new, and yet at the same time it's scary.

Yet this is the best thing that's happened to me for ages.

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I'm pushing away thoughts that I'll fuck it up.

I'm pushing away thoughts that she's stringing me along.

I'm pushing away thoughts that we may not be be right for each other.

All those possibilities could be true. And it is imperative that such thoughts do not cross my mind.

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Please make it work out.

I've been waiting so long.