Robbis @ MindSay

By Robbis Storm

Blame it on the government.  Blame it on the weather.  Blame it on three weeks of great food in Mexico.

Blame it on anything but me.

But no matter who or what you blame it on -- here are the facts:  My slacks are shrinking.  My shirts are popping their buttons.  My neckties are getting too short.

So it's either run out and buy a new wardrobe, or -- horror of horrors! -- try to lose weight.

Miriam has already shed a few pounds, so I'm vowing to follow her lead and steer myself to the salad bar.  And while I'm there, ban the blue cheese dressing.

I'm trying to talk myself into more lean sirloin and fewer barbecued ribs.  Baked potatos without a dump truck load of butter and sour cream.  And no fried oysters.  Instead I'll have them on the half-shell -- and dress them with horseradish rather than tartar sauce.

What about dessert?

It's my favorite part of the meal.  In fact, if you're like me, unless you've had something sweet, a meal simply doesn't feel complete.  It's not finished.  You're still hungry.

But Braeburn apples instead of Blue Bell Buttered Pecan?  Plums or pears instead of peach cobbler?  Two slices of cantaloupe instead of Miriam's fabulous carrot cake?

C'mon -- give me a break already!         

In fact ALL this dieting stuff is hard -- really hard.  Guess that's why I got a good laugh from the following story sent me by two email correspondents, my Saskatchewan sister-in-law Lesya Kawylych and long time good friend Eleanor Jones of Seattle.

It's a modern parable, based loosely on the familiar Genesis creation story.  If you're having trouble with your waistline, you might enjoy it too.    

*   *   *    

In the beginning, The Almighty created the Heavens and the Earth and populated the Earth with broccoli, cauliflower and spinach -- green and yellow and red vegetables of all kinds -- so Man and Woman would live long and healthy lives.

Then using The Almighty's great gifts, Satan created Ben and Jerry's Ice Cream and Krispy Creme Donuts. And Satan said, "You want chocolate with that?"

And Man said, "Yes!" and Woman said, "And as long as you're at it, add some sprinkles."  Man and Woman gained 10 pounds.

And Satan smiled.

Then The Almighty created healthful yogurt, that Woman might keep the figure that Man found so fair.

And Satan brought forth white flour from the wheat, and sugar from the cane and combined them with butter. And Woman went from size 6 to size 14.

So The Almighty said, "Try my fresh green salad."

But Satan presented Thousand-Island Dressing, buttery croutons and garlic toast on the side. And, following the repast, Man and Woman loosened their belts.

The Almighty then said, "Look -- I have sent you heart healthy vegetables and olive oil in which to cook them."

With a devilish smile, Satan brought forth deep fried fish and chicken-fried steak so big it needed its own platter.  And Man gained more weight and his cholesterol went through the roof.

The Almighty then created a light, fluffy white cake, and called it "Angel Food" and said, "It is good."

But Satan came back with chocolate cake buried in chocolate icing and named it after himself: "Devil's Food."

The Almighty then brought forth running shoes so that His children might exercise and lose those extra pounds.

And Satan countered with cable TV, and added a remote control so that Man would not have to do more than lift a finger to change channels.  And Man and Woman wore their running shoes while they sat on their backsides in front of the flickering box in their living room.  And they gained pounds.

Then The Almighty brought forth the potato, naturally low in fat and brimming with nutrition.

But Satan peeled off the healthful skin and sliced the starchy center into chips and deep-fried them.  And Man could not eat just one.

The Almighty then gave lean meat so that Man might consume fewer calories and still satisfy his appetite.

So Satan created the 99-cent double cheeseburger and said, "You want fries with that?"  And Man replied, "Yes! And super size them!"  And Satan said, "It is good."

And Man went into cardiac arrest.

The Almighty sighed and created stints, beta blockers, and quadruple bypass surgery.

Some would say that what came next was Satan's finest hour.   Some would say it was his most fiendish creation.  Some would simply gnash their teeth, tear their clothes, and hang their heads in frustration and dispair.  

So what DID happen next?

Satan created HMOs.

Here's another story by Robbis Storm.  Trying to talk him into getting his own account.  But, I don't mind putting them on my page either.

----

Date:    Mon, 30 Jan 2006 17:08:54 EST
RStorm453@aol.com
By Robbis Storm  
 
    Ancient history -- that's what it seems like when you think about the settlement of Central Texas by English speakers some 150 years ago.
 
    Back then, the rolling country that we today call home was an ocean of bluestem and gramma grass inhabited by Tonkawas and Comanches as well as black bears, wolves, wild mustangs and great herds of buffalo.
 
    Take a look around the landscape.  It's changed a lot. It's still changing -- lightning fast.
 
    Seems like every day you hear about the opening of a new super store or shopping mall.  Or another ranch that's been subdivided and sold off in five-acre tracts.  And the same hills that once provided the Indians with strategic lookout points, today serve us as bases for cell phone service towers.
 
   Next thing you know, what used to be the wide open spaces will be a wide open parking lot surrounded by condos on one side and rows of corporate chain stores on the other.
 
    Development around here continues at such a rapid pace that sometimes it's hard to connect with our recent past.
 
    One of the good things about age is that not only do you have a considerable stock of memories, but you also have a perspective about time -- a perspective that's difficult for most of us to understand until we get a few miles on our odometer.
 
    For example, Lampasas County -- established in 1856 -- is just now 150 years old.  A century and a half -- that seems like a long time.  A really long time.    
 
    But get this -- I'm 61 years old.  Anyone my age who has spent a lifetime here, has lived through more than one-third of the county's story. And anyone 75 or older has enjoyed a first hand look at half of the county's timeline.
 
    I want to repeat that.  Any lifetime area resident who was born around 1930 has witnessed half of the county's recorded history.
 
    When you think of it like that, then 1856 doesn't seem so far back in the past.  Now, 1856 is not an abstract number that's just floating around in time and space.  No -- the date has context.
 
    Nowadays the Texas Revolution seems like it happened a million years ago. But consider this -- as we watched this year's Rose Bowl triumph, many of us alive today remember the last time the University of Texas football team won a national championship.  The year was 1969.
 
     Let's see now . . . 2006 minus 1969 . . . my goodness!  That game was 37 years ago!
 
    That's right -- 37 years.  And to those of us who happened to be in Austin that night it seems like yesterday.
 
     But if you were present here at the founding of Lampasas County in 1856, then consider this: the Alamo would have fallen, the Battle of San Jacinto won, and Texas gained its independence -- all in the last 20 years.  If you were my age, 61, then these major events in Texas history would have occurred well after you had celebrated your 40th birthday.
 
    Texas itself had only been a part of the United States for 11 years.    Only eight years had passed since New Mexico, Arizona and the rest of what's now the American Southwest were conquered from Mexico at the end of the Mexican War in 1848.
 
    The great gold rush would have occurred only seven years ago.  You might well have talked to a few of the "Forty Niners" as they came through Texas on their way to California.
 
    No doubt you'd have memories of the War of 1812 which began when you were 17 years old.  Perhaps you could sing the Star Spangled Banner -- written after the battle of Fort McHenry, when you were 19.  You might even have seen action at the Battle of New Orleans -- fought January 8, 1815, the year you turned 20.
 
    As I said -- you'd have all these memories if you were 61 the year Lampasas County was founded.
 
   What if you had been born that year?
 
    In 1861 -- just five years after you opened your eyes -- you'd see your country almost torn apart in a terrible civil war.  By the time you reached age 20 in 1876, the hair-raising news would drift down the prairies that George Armstrong Custer had lost his scalp at the Little Big Horn.
 
    Over the next decades you'd witness the disappearance of the bears, buffalo, and Indians from the endless open range that stretched all the way into Canada.  You'd see great cattle drives that took Texas longhorns all over the West and to the great markets of the East.
 
    By 1917 -- the year you'd turn 61 -- the open range itself would be a distant memory.  The prairies would long since have been tamed by barbed wire and the breaking plow, and the tough old longhorns replaced by Hereford and Angus cattle.
 
    You might have traded your surrey with fringe on top for a Model T. Ford which you affectionally called a "Tin Lizzie."
 
    No doubt you'd have a flood of memories about the Old West.
 
    Perhaps you'd share them with your grandchildren over your new telephone.  You might take them to see a silent movie about Wyatt Earp. You might even take a biplane ride over the hills you had once galloped across on a saddle horse.
 
    In your newspaper you'd find a crossword puzzle (invented in 1913) and you'd read about the Great War in Europe (later called World War I).  Also in the news would be the campaign to prohibit the sale of alcohol all across America.  If you lived in town, you'd likely read your paper with the light from an electric bulb.  (Most country folks still used coal oil lamps until the late 1940s.)
 
    Let's say you lived another few years until 1931.
 
    Now you'd be 75 years old.  America would be in the grip of economic hard times, euphemistically called the "Great Depression."  You might spend your spare time watching a movie -- virtually all now had sound and a few were shot in color.  Or you might listen to Jimmie Rodgers and the Carter Family on the radio.
 
    You might be reading the newspapers about Prohibition, Elliott Ness and Al Capone.  Also in the papers would be news from Germany and the growing power of the Nazi party and its leader Adolph Hitler.  World War II and the Holocaust all loomed on the horizon.
 
    As you enjoyed your golden years, you might reflect on the changes you'd witnessed in your lifetime: the Civil War and the end of slavery, the taming of the West, the end of the Plains Indians' way of life, World War I, the growing industrialization of America, the movement to the cities, and the proliferation of the automobile and airplane.
 
 
    No doubt about it -- you'd have witnessed a lot of change in your lifetime -- exactly half of the history of Lampasas County.
 
    That is -- of its history so far.