Resumes @ MindSay

Once again,something else beyond explanation...

My work resume that I send out is constantly undergoing critique and change...

So how come whenever someone asks me to send it to them do they seem to disappear from existence? I may as well just put on it 'serial killer/mass murderer' because that's the kind of f*cking reception I get!

Or I could just do the Vegas circuit as 'the guy with the resume who can make people disappear'!

I've been working on updating my resume for future employment.  Boy, I have a lot to put into such a small amount of space.  I'll try to narrow it down...  First off, there are several things I can do well.  Some of you out there know what I'm talking about.  I've held only one official web design job for a filmmaking company my friend Greg had started a couple years ago, but I've been designing as a hobby since 1994.  I have a lot of experience in not just web design, but in illustration and book design.  I think I deserve to have a paying job in the design field.  Minday friends of mine, like parity, have always encouraged me to get out there and have my work seen.  But too often I get stuck behind managerial double talk.  In the last two months, I've gone through nearly a dozen job interviews and have been rejected.  When I ask for a reason (because, frankly, I really want to know what I am doing wrong in the interviewing process that makes me so unideal for hire) I've been given reasons such as:

1.  "Our company is moving into another direction..."

2.  "We have several other applicants who all have the same recommendations..."

3.  "We require all our employees to have transport, and since you do not drive, it's a safety issue if we ask you to make a bank deposit for us..."

4.  "Since most of your experience was gained in college, we don't have anyone to varify that you actually have design experience..."

5.  "You're very talented and resourceful, but we simply cannot hire you without a degree.  Perhaps you should go back and finish your BFA and contact us again in future..."

Again, all viable reasons why I shouldn't be hired, but, come on!  So, whenever I go for a simple job, say, retail sales or just a convenience store clerk position, I'm next told that I am OVER QUALIFIED and the next joe average that comes through the door gets the job while I'm left in the cold to begin my job search anew.  So then I go back to redesign my resume for something simple, leaving out all my publishing and design credits just so I can nail down a part time job.  Again I'm given the run-around.  It makes me feel like a chump just for trying.  In any case, here's my resume as it stands now and you tell me:

Would you hire me?

Profile

 

Innovative artist with sales, self publication, photography, web design, and newspaper editing experience seeking full time employment as a valued team member with a cutting edge company.

Proficiency: MS Word, FrontPage, Excel, Adobe Photoshop CS, Paint Shop Pro, CSS, HTML.

Type: 65 WPM. 

Experience & Education

RETAIL SALES August 1993 - Present   STORE KEYHOLDER, CUSTOMER SERVICE, & MANAGER   · Managed, trained new and incoming staff.   · ReloRelocated several times to fit company’s staffing needs and assisted management in store closings.   · Created enticing window displays and other advertisements to promote business.   · ResResponsible for general upkeep of store.   · Assisted customers in locating hard-to-find items and unique gifts.   · Was always available to support co-workers and management staff in times of crisis.   Vagabond Imports      February 1998-April 2001 (rehired December 2004 to November 2005) Retail Sales, Customer Service Contact Dala Quimby: *number deleted to insure privacy* Book Market, Inc.        October 2004 – February 2005 Store Manager Contact National Book Warehouse HR: 1-865-558-8187 or hr@book-warehouse.com Godiva Chocolatier      November 2001 – February 2004 Sales Associate, Keyholder Contact Lauren Nastachowski: *number deleted to insure privacy*

ARTS & ENTERTAINMENT PUBLISHING & PERFORMANCE CREDITS 1992 - Present   TYPESETTER, NEWSPAPER EDITOR, WEB DESIGNER, ILLUSTRATOR, & CARTOONIST   · A    Awarded “Long Term Dedication” certificate for work in The Pointer, 1997.   ·        Initiated projects, motivated peers, and regularly met deadlines.   · Nominated by peers for the Charles Schulz “Best College Cartoonist” award 1996.   · Organized other artists, designers, and editors to create new section of the newspaper; Arts & Review  in The Pointer 1995.   Psychic Tarot Reader                                           October 1994-Present Entertained at parties and festivals; freelance only. Third Eye Filmmaking Perspectives                    February 2004-April 2005 Illustration, web design. Contact Greg Merkovich: *number deleted to insure privacy* Web site: http://www.nrg.to/gregmerkovich/ Stone Circle Study (w/ Rev. Andrew Jacob)      June 2002 – August 2002 Traveled to Beaver Island, MI, to study and illustrate the native legends and lore of the Great Lakes. Contact Rev. Andrew Jacob: *email omitted to insure privacy* The Pointer, UW-Stevens Point Newspaper      September 1995-May 1998 Arts & Review Editor, creator and cartoonist of comic strip “Dave Davis.” Contact Pete Kelley: *number deleted to insure privacy* Sears Portrait Studio                                            August 1996-January 1997 Commercial Photography. Circle Network News                                             Spring 1995 – Spring 1996 Cover and interior art. Barney Street                                                          Fall 1992-Spring 1994 Interior illustration, layout, design, typesetting, editing, and marketing. Cornerstone Press                                                  Fall 1992- 1993 Cover design and typesetter for the book “Portage County: Of Place and Time”

UNIVERSITY OF WISCONSIN – STEVENS POINT     Bachelor of Fine Arts (BFA) – 120 credits toward graduation   · Courses: Book Illustration, Comic Art, Life Drawing, Painting, Printmaking, Typography, Editing and Publishing, Graphic Design, Marketing and Advertising.   · Emphasis: Classical Studio Art (Painting/Drawing) & & Illustration.   I will not be attending classes this year.  Last year of enrollment: 1997.

These are real examples from real resumes:

*Reasons For Leaving Last Job*

- Responsibility makes me nervous.
- They insisted that all employees get to work by 8:45 every morning. Couldn't work under those conditions.
- Was met with a string of broken promises and lies, as well as cockroaches.
- I was working for my mom until she decided to move.
- The company made me a scapegoat - just like my three previous employers.

*Job Responsibilities*

- While I am open to the initial nature of an assignment, I am decidedly disposed that it be so oriented as to at least partially incorporate the experience enjoyed heretofore and that it be configured so as to ultimately lead to the application of more rarefied facets of financial management as the major sphere of responsibility.
- I was proud to win the Gregg Typting Award.

*Special Requests and Job Objectives*

- Please call me after 5:30 because I am self-employed and my employer does not know I am looking for another job.
- My goal is to be a meteorologist.  But since I have no training in meteorology, I suppose I should try stock brokerage.
- I procrastinate - especially when the task is unpleasant.

*Physical Disabilities*

- Minor allergies to house cats and Mongolian sheep.

*Personal Interests*

- Donating blood. 14 gallons so far.

*Small Typos That Can Change the Meaning*

- Education: College, August 1880-May 1984.
- Work Experience:  Dealing with customers' conflicts that arouse.
- Develop and recommend an annual operating expense fudget.
- I'm a rabid typist.
- Instrumental in ruining entire operation for a Midwest chain operation.

Many of you know I have been and continue to seek better employment.  What a crazy and tedious process!  I have written and re-written my resume several times.  I came across a few, ummmm, misprints, typos, whatever, in my travels and I present them to you here for your amusement and pleasure!  ;)

How bad a mistake can you make on your resume? Here are some real-life examples:

• "My intensity and focus are at inordinately high levels, and my ability to complete projects on time is unspeakable."
  
  
• "Education: Curses in liberal arts, curses in computer science, curses in accounting."
  
  
• "Instrumental in ruining entire operation for a Midwest chain store."
  
  
• "Personal: Married, 1992 Chevrolet."
  
  
• "I have an excellent track record, although I am not a horse."
  
  
• "I am a rabid typist."
  
  
• "Created a new market for pigs by processing, advertising and selling a gourmet pig mail order service on the side."
  
  
• "Exposure to German for two years, but many words are not appropriate for business."
  
  
• "Proven ability to track down and correct erors."
  
  
• "Personal interests: Donating blood. 15 gallons so far."
  
  
• "I have become completely paranoid, trusting completely nothing and absolutely no one."
  
  
• "References: None, I've left a path of destruction behind me."
  
  
• "Strengths: Ability to meet deadlines while maintaining composer."
  
  
• "Don't take the comments of my former employer too seriously, they were unappreciative beggars and slave drivers."
  
  
• "My goal is to be a meteorologist. But since I possess no training in meteorology, I suppose I should try stock brokerage."
  
  
• "I procrastinate--especially when the task is unpleasant."
  
  
• "I am loyal to my employer at all costs...Please feel free to respond to my resume on my office voicemail."
  
  
• "Qualifications: No education or experience."
  
  
• "Disposed of $2.5 billion in assets."
  
  
• "Accomplishments: Oversight of entire department."
  
  
• "Extensive background in accounting. I can also stand on my head!"
  
  
• Cover letter: "Thank you for your consideration. Hope to hear from you shorty!"