Relief @ MindSay 
hurricane
April fourth; poem four.
MANIA’S ADDICTION
One more time, I cry in pain
Distraught, alone in tremors lain
My need is great; I need that high
Need to feel on wings I fly
How can I bear nothing happening?
How to survive the depressive aching?
One more hit, just one more shot
Maybe this one is all I’ve got
Sex or drugs or alcohol
It’s all the same—perhaps Demerol?
Anything to hide these blues
Would anyone like to wear my shoes?
Oh yes, he looks; I’ll have my way
I’ll knock this thing for one more day
Drown in the arms of attention’s wine
Though tomorrow morn I’ll feel like swine
Self-destruction; me, all but lost
At what a debilitating cost
No way out, it seems I’m doomed
Can’t help myself up from the gloom
Just one more buzz, just one more high
Just one more…something…to get me by
Whee! I’m up; I’m invincible
Yet in the end, dispensable
To God I’ve cried in agony
Won’t you take this cup from me?
Throughout the years, I tried to see
A way to live successfully
I knew I’d never go it alone
Could never do this on my own
My will was lost when the surge took over
I was like a drunk who could not get sober
Finally, I dragged myself to see
Someone who had the sense to be
My fortitude, and push me through
To her I owe my gratitude
God was there, all the time
Knowing in his grace sublime
That he had called great docs like Luke
And that I had seen one was not a fluke
This was his way of touching me
When I had “bottomed out”, you see
For had any offered this help before
I certainly would have slammed the door
Now, steady goes it; I miss the high
That little fact, I can’t deny
But knowing an even keel is best
My mind and soul have found sweet rest.
Bonniegirl
April 4, 2008
I'M SO RELIEVED! Emma's in at least ONE of my classes for next year. We have last period together, which is our Quint period. Right now our quint is Health last period! I was worried, since so far the other people that I've asked have no classes with me, excepting lunch. And also because Emma and I have funn in class together. So hah.
Phew.
Andy says:
hey mate, you get your coursework done?
Kevoh says:
Yep, got it in on time anyway.
Andy says:
cool, when's the demo?
Kevoh says:
...
Because basically... the demo completely slipped my mind. For a moment, I was convinced that it was today (well, yesterday, now it's past midnight), and I sat there, speechless, thinking "that's it, I've missed the demo, so I get 0 marks on the coursework I have to pass in order to continue uni". I rush onto the uni's student intranet to double check the date, and, in big fat typing:
Hand-in date - 24th Aug 14:00, with demo on 29th Aug 10:00
I breathed the biggest sigh of relief ever. The only problem is... I have to get up early tomorrow to get there. Oh well, can't complain really.
Phew.
Kari, I’m sending this in a message so that you have to listen to me: stop calling me. I do not want to talk to you anymore, ever. I am tired of dealing with your shit and I refuse to keep tolerating it. You do not treat a quote “friend” like you have treated me and still expect them to want to be friends with you. It literally makes me sick now, but I trusted you, Kari. I trusted you and let you in and soaked up all of your lies. I never did anything to you and look at how you repaid me. And you know the main thing I hate about it? I saw it coming and still let myself be friends with you. I watched you play your same nasty tricks with Esther and Nikki and H.W. and Nichole and numerous others and I always just sat back and told myself that you would never do that to me, seeing as how close we were. But in my heart, in my heart I always knew you would and I hate myself for allowing you to control me and hurt me like you did. Because it hurt Kari, to be backstabbed by your best friend. It hurt like hell and you never even acknowledged that anything happened at all. You, you of all people should know that that is the one thing you do not do with me, and yet after a whole month of me pointedly ignoring you, you just up and decided it was time we were best buds again? Sorry, nah uh. That’s not how it works. I tried to be nice because I knew it was the end of the year and after that I wouldn’t be seeing you anymore, but you keep trying to act like you actually care and I’m tired of it. You want someone you can manipulate, and for years I let you, but not anymore. Call me a bitch, hate me, apologize, whatever you want, I don’t care anymore. I’m not going to listen to you. You burned all of your own bridges a long time ago Kari, it’s your own damn fault, so either learn to swim in your crap, or drown in it. I couldn’t care less, not after the shit you put me through. I don’t want any part of it anymore so just leave me the fuck alone.
Some people are like headaches.
There are, in life, some folk that a body doesn't "gel" with. Not everyone is going to be a "kindred spirit," (to put it in terms of Anne Shirley), or even a more casual friend. In fact, people occasionally know others they would classify in terms of antipathy. Not only is there no fellow-feeling, there may be outright aggression.
It happens.
In many cases such as these, there really isn't a whole lot a person can do about it. There is no "magic pain reliever" to make them go away. Just as there is "chemistry" between people (romantic and platonic), there are what have been termed "bad vibes." Just that feeling you get when someone rubs you the wrong way.
Some folks go so far as to say they even have enemies. People who will throw up roadblocks to their projects, gossip maliciously about them at the watercooler, cast aspersions upon their character. I've had them. You probably have, too. Again, often, there really isn't anything you can do about this. All you can do is be true to yourself.
But there is one more thing. From a man who knew what it was to be both loved and envied.
He makes even his enemies to be at peace with him.
How can a man make his ways pleasing to the Lord? That is the question. The prophet Micah says something that is fairly easy to remember:
and what it is the Lord requires of you:
Only to act justly,
to love faithfulness,
and to walk humbly with your God. (HCSB)
Be fair. Value faithfulness. Understand your life under the hand of God and know your true worth. It's not terribly complicated, though it requires taking the time to get to know God, yes.
Nowhere does God promise that we won't have enemies. Nowhere does he say we have to be buddies with everyone in the world. He does, though, promise to let us walk with him. And, if we are living in ways that please the Lord, even those people with whom we are not sympathetic could conceivably be less antagonistic toward us. They might even be at peace.
This is not a promise for an easy life. It is just a reminder that there are indeed benefits to doing what is right. Some are immediate, some might only be seen in a lessening of pressure.
Like a headache, sometimes the relief might come without warning, but the pain just isn't there anymore. And, often, that's enough.
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