Release @ MindSay

I am blessed beyond measure. I have been able to slep, picked up on overtime and have had more peace in the last week that this entire drama. I came home the other night to Mr. Howard once again smoking in the shared portion of the house, but i did niot say anything...did not even bother to look at him. You know when you see someone that you can tell is a little off, special or just straight mean? Well I have decided thats him. I will pray for him as well pray him out of my life, but other than that I am free.

The count down has started and I have five days to go till the fall of the wall, I can see the sunrise and the sunset and its a blast!

The Cab's new album Whisper War -- Augh, so before I even get into the album, I have a few complaints. I try very hard to give you guys a little bit of background about the band or the album before I get into the music; it helps set the scene for what I'm about to talk about. One of my biggest frustrations is when bands act like they're big and then don't even have a damn 'About Us' section. And sometimes, that wouldn't bother me, but with this band in particular, it's like they're nothing but pretty faces with no personality.

I'm going to be honest with you; I'm very torn on this album. Half of me loves it and the other half is disgusted with it. It's nothing but pure boy band fluff -- pretty faces (their pianist looks like a freaking girl) with pretty voices (and they do sound really good) singing trite and angst-ridden lyrics (who is this "girl" that everyone keeps singing to?). "Vegas Skies" is an entire song dedicated to (of course) "girl", alcohol references, and lyrics that sound like the poetry I used to write when I was twelve and thought my life was OVER because I got in a spat with my best friend. But if you can manage to completely ignore the lyrics, the steady piano and the light violins in the background combined with the acoustic bridge makes it a song that could really pull on your heartstrings. "One Of THOSE Nights" is the track that is most like their city- and labelmates Panic! At The Disco, but with a really shallow boy band twist. Believe me, if you're looking for a Panic! fix, don't come here. That's not to say this song isn't enjoyable on it's own, because it does have it's moments -- and can I just say, the electric guitar solo in the background near the end made me laugh the first time I heard this song. Seriously guys, what the hell was that? And "Risky Business"? Pretty sure I've heard this before... oh wait, "London Beckoned Songs About Money Written By Machines"! Except P!ATD did it incredibly better, with real lyrics and relevant references. But now I'm just poking fun at them, rather than actually reviewing them.

Now if you're okay with a boy band that literally sucks other genres into it and spits it back out onto a cd, then these guys will be great for you. I like a little bit more substance in my music, but I'm not everyone. All in all, The Cab sound like a shallow Panic! At The Disco trying to include their *NSYNC boyfriends in an attempt to build a Maroon 5 / All Time Low hybrid album. If that sounds appealing to you (and I know of a few people that it will) then go ahead and get them. I mean, they honestly make a great attempt at a boyband, and will probably be the heartthrobs of the rising generation -- but keep in mind, this is the same rising generation that has photos of themselves in their bras and panties at the tender age of 13.

Death Cab For Cutie's "I Will Possess Your Heart". - Who would have thought that an eight and a half minute song could be so enthralling, particularly when the lyrics don't even begin until after halfway through the song? Apparently Death cab For Cutie did, and personally, I think they got this one just right. It's hard to imagine this song without the beginning being so drawn out and sprawling; I'd call it an intro but it's so much more than that. It's the steady climb of levels and sliders and slightly out of focus riffs until it builds and then tapers off into the perfect volume for Ben Gibbard's deliciously mellow voice as he strikes the same bargain that I often strike with women: Just give him a chance. Some have called this single 'creepy' or 'desperate'. I call it honest and sincere and really, it just hits the spot on all of the things I've wished I could have in a song.

"How I wish you could see the potential, the potential of you and me..." Give adorable Mr. Gibbard a chance - listen to his new single. I promise you won't be disappointed.

[Edit!]: Just got my hands on the radio edit of their single and oh, Mr. Gibbard -- why would you let them get rid of that delicious sprawling that gave this single so much volume and strength? Rather than the climactic buildup we are simply launched into a song that just seems... empty and flat-line without the introduction. *Sighs* Such is the way with radio sometimes. I'm really grateful that we're moving towards music becoming entirely online -- it means we have to destroy beautiful songs less.[/Edit!]

I was just sitting, legs crossed, at the foot of my bed plucking the strings of my guitar, trying to pick up the same rhythm I had had a few minutes before on some crazy chord I managed to discover. Then I suddenly didn't feel like trying to find the rhythm anymore. I can pick up some new things here and there, but it really is becoming a bit of a challenge to play without my B string. I need to fix that...

So I continued, mindlessly plucking, while I tried to figure out what to do instead. My eyes had been resting on my bookshelf as I played. I realized I needed to continue working on painting it.

Just as I was about to let go of the neck to leave it on the bed, I pulled my guitar back to my chest and began plucking again, this time something a bit lighter in mood (I had come up with something kind of intense before). I realized at that moment that playing my guitar is really an outlet for me. Pretty much my only outlet at this point, besides possibly writing..

It came to my full awareness that there are things I don't like doing when I feel certain ways because of energy. I may not be Wiccan or practice Witchcraft anymore, but I still feel that we carry certain energies with us at all times and when we do something, we put that energy into it. This is the reason why when I knit, I will not do it in a poor frame of mind or when I am feeling anything negative. I think that those energies are put into what I am knitting and I don't want that. Even if it is some silly tester or swatch that I'll rip out anyways, the yarn is the yarn all the same, and it carries that still when I go to use the same yarn to make something. It is the same with the painting. Or making anything.

But playing guitar isn't like that. Some people may use things like knitting or painting or creating in other ways as an outlet, but because of this belief I have about energy, it's just not something I do. Because, really, it is an outlet. And if I am feeling negatively, I am "outletting" that negativity into that creation. To me it is more like a using relationship in that sense. You're using the paint, you're using the paper, you're using the yarn, etc. That's what it's like to me to use those kinds of creative things as an outlet for negativity, or even to try and distract myself, or whatever. But with the guitar, it's not like I'm using it, it's like I'm working with it. Some people use "with" when referring to painting or whatever they have in this sense. It may indeed be a with relationship for them, but not for me. My with relationship is my guitar, and I don't really want use relationships with anything. With my guitar, I'm not working through it. It just is, and it allows me to just be, too. The only thing being created is sound.

I have never felt like I could paint or draw or whatnot and say, "this expresses this that I was feeling". It's too creation-y. There is too much trying there. Even in painting my bookshelf, even though I am painting nothing in particular - just mixed colours - it's still the energy thing. If I were to say "this is this" in terms of my feelings in something I was trying to let out, it would just be too determined. Faked, almost. Some people use a lot of symbolism. Still, for me (I wish I could stop saying that, but I feel like if I didn't, it wouldn't be assumed by whoever is reading this... so let me just affirm so I can stop: this is all just me - I'm not speaking for anyone else, of course.), it means it requires some kind of definition. Some kind of intent or something. It doesn't really allow me to let go. It's not something to slip into and float away on, or into on. Strumming and fingering my guitar, I can do that, but it's not a method of escape. I can float away from the confusing thoughts and questions and memories and trying to rationalize my feelings that all goes on in my head, I can get away from that and get into the core of it. Get to just the feeling. Just that, alone. No thoughts. No questions. No more thinking over and over about shit. Just allowing myself to feel what I'm really feeling. It's so, so good, it makes me want to cry thinking about it right now... I've never had anything like that before. Everything was so structured before, so defined, even if it wasn't necessarily. There's nothing like that in playing the guitar. I can just go with whatever wants to come.

I think this is also the same thing with writing. When I sit and write like this, I don't know exactly what I'm going to say yet. There are no rules here, besides spelling and stuff... But there are no rules as far as how I must translate myself. If I want to speak in a way that speaks only to me and doesn't make much sense to you all, that's okay. If I want to talk about something metaphorically, that's okay. Whatever, it's okay. But with painting, there is intent. There is no intent here, besides having a thought flash through my head and wanting to get deeper into it, so I sit down here, get out that initial thought, and continue, seeing where I end up. None of this was intended. I like that. It's real release for me.