Relay For Life @ MindSay 
cancer
So, Relay for Life has somehow gone. I somehow stayed up for 25 hours straight and had it feel like 8. I somehow stayed completely awake and moving for 25 hours. I like it.
However, we ended the event 2 hours earlier than expected, so we were done cleaning 2 hours early. This sounds ideal, doesn't it? Getting home and to your bed faster? True...but not when you are the volunteer recruitment chair and you have volunteers coming all the way to your event at 7:30 in the morning and you're packing the last 3 boxes at 6:57 in the morning. So I called the girl coming in from Long Island, got through to her mom, and she didn't come. Called the older man who was coming, but his cell phone was disconnected. Called the one of the 3 girls whose number I had, but she hung up on me...twice. SO I was freaking out these 4 people were going to show up, and hate me forever.
Well, apparently the 2 friends couldn't come, and then the woman I spoke to forgot, and the older guy thought the event was TOMORROW, so he didn't show up either!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I AM SO HAPPY THAT THEY MESSED UP! It worked out so well in my favor!!!!!!!! <33
And now...homework, even though my eyes are not open.
- I shouldn't have made Lola my desktop background, because I was just looking at it and I started to cry. I didn't cry when Ace was my picture (they are my two cats who passed away from various cancers a year and a week apart, if you care), even though he was my favorite living thing ever... I was weirded out by that.
- My little three-pound wonder has been dead one year tomorrow. She was the bi-centennial cat. I still look for her when I go home.
- I'M GOING HOME NEXT THURSDAY.
- I wonder if I could have survived four years of college living with ANY of my freshman year roommates. The answer to that is no. HELLLLLLLLL NO. I sometimes miss them, like the people they SORT OF became by April, but I haven't REALLY seen or spoken to any of them in at least a year, and I'm pretty okay with that. That isn't my style at all; I always love everyone...but it was a bad mix of personalities. In that, they liked talking about fashion and trashing other people, and I wear the same 2 pairs of jeans and 3 sweatshirts EVERYHWERE and don't talk about people.
- I can't stop listening to Elana's stuff online. www.elanaarian.com. I can't wait until Saturday when I own her new CD.
- I can't tell if Brett is flirting with me or not. I can't tell if Ricardo is flirting with me or not (though I'm pretty sure THAT one is bad if it were true).
- The fact that Manny and Jill are dating makes me happy. The fact that they were together for like, MONTHS before I found out makes me sad.
- Tomorrow I think I have to swallow my pride/fear/girlness from 3 years ago and send a message to this boy I used to know/like, to see if his fraternity wants to help volunteer at Relay this year. I messaged their 'prior' (which I'm going to guess is the president), and he hasn't written back, but this kid is the vice-prior, and maybe he'll remember me (but not bad things!!), and get the word out.
- https://www.kintera.org/faf/donorReg/donorPledge.asp?ievent=205624&supId=75619814, if we're speaking about relay.
- My aunt mailed me plastic Easter eggs. Never mind the fact that I celebrate Passover, not Easter.
- Coffee is NOT designed for me. I had half a cup freshman year before a midterm, and almost ran around the 300-person lecture hall, and today Dunkin Donuts gave out free ice coffees even though I don't drink coffee and I didn't have even half of it this time and I definitely felt crazier than usual and my mind was moving faster. I'll just get my caffeine from chocolate, thank you.
- It's somehow 10:38. What? WHAT? Bedtime's in less than an hour. SPECTACULAR.
- I cannot WAIT 'til Opening Day. Let's goooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo!
So, it's painfully obvious no one reads this... but I have to post this anyway:
*That's a link to my donation page... you don't have to know me to support my cause. I don't have to know you to appreciate your help in the fight against cancer.
I would be eternally grateful if you would just take a second, look, and see if you can help the world out.
As I Walk With Beauty
As I walk, as I walk
The universe is walking with me
In beauty it walks before me
In beauty it walks behind me
In beauty it walks below me
In beauty it walks above me
Beauty is on every side
As I walk, I walk with Beauty
I wrote this yesterday.
I can't accept this quite yet.
I don't feel like she can really, truly be gone.
You know... dead.
It hasn't hit me - but I know it's coming.
My mind is filled with thoughts that only further
my confusion during this time. I'll be lost in thought
and think something along the lines of "I wonder
if Natalie would want to hang out sometime..."
and then suddenly, I realize she's not here. Not
really, anyways. She will always be here, in my heart,
in my thoughts, living in my memories but she's no
longer tangible. I can't hug her or talk to her.
I can feel her, but I can't see her - and the life that
she once lived with.
It seems so strange to think that this has actually happened.
Last night was definitely emotional, as I predicted it would
be. I arrived, and then I found the people who were in charge.
They told me what I was going to do, and I tried to follow along.
The plan was; Natalie was to be the honorary torch carrier,
because she is so well known around this area, for her courage,
fight, strength and vast amount of inspiration. And as I told you,
before she passed, she requested that I take her place.
There were news paper journalist & photographers, trying to
get their story. As the event started, a woman went up on stage,
announced the plan for the night - as I stood beside the stage
with Natalies former volleyball team mates. The woman
on stage started talking about Natalie. I couldn't help but
think how strange it is to hear Natalie spoken about, as if
she were dead. It's time for me to realize the truth, but it's
just a little hard to swallow right now. The woman
stated how much Natalie has touched everyones lives in ways
that we can't even begin to explain. And then, it was time for
me to accept the torch. The woman said "There were many
recommendations as to who should be the 'honorary torch
carrier' and they all pointed towards a wonderful girl named
Natalie. However, Natalies fight against cancer came to
an end on Wednesday, as she passed away. On her behalf,
her close friend Karolyn will be accepting the torch in her
honor, and leading the survivors to the finish line."
And, I did just that. We went around the track once and then
I was presented with a rose. Later on, I even got interviewed
by a very rude news-paper reporter. I know he was only
doing his job, but I think that there's a time where people
need to step back and leave some room for others to breathe.
I had a few people that were there for me. I was glad that
I had some people to laugh with, at least a little bit. Still,
I couldn't help but think "If Natalie were still living, I would
be here with her" and when I was holding the torch, I just
thought "Natalie should be holding this. Natalie would be
holding this!" I suppose that thoughts such as these, are
only common to someone who is going through such a great
loss, as I am, right now.
I was only going to stay about 30 minutes, at first. Then,
once I arrived, I noticed that Natalies sister Olivia was there.
I can't imagine what she's going through! Olivia is also a
very close friend. She is like a big sister to me, and it's hard
to see her hurting, as she is now. But, she also has faith in
God's plan, even though she doesn't understand it right now.
So, I decided to stay and hang out with Olivia for awhile.
I ended up staying until 11:30 pm. Around 10:00, they switched
all of the lights off, and it was time for the "silent walk".
They turned out the lights, and had designated people to light candles
that were laying around the whole track. Each in a paper bag,
with Cancer victims/survivors names on each one. There were many
bags that read "Natalie". Everyone was to be silent during this time
when they lit the candles. A girl sang the song "carry your candle"
while they were being lit, and many people were walking around the
track, silently. The music got low, and then they started naming names.
They read "In memory of Natalie..." In memory!? So, it was true. I laid
in the grass inside the track, as they lit the candles and read out my
dear friends name, along with the words "in memory..." And so, I
laid there. Where in an alternative reality, if Natalie really hadn't
died, I would've been with her.
But there I laid, alone.
Oh, how I so wish I could see her once more. How I wish that
I could feel the presence that she brought with her everywhere.
I wish that I could go back to last week, when she was still with us.
But, now she's with Jesus.
Now, she's not suffering - she's rejoicing.
Now, I find myself looking at old photographs, with tears
streaming down my face. I find myself watching the home
videos we once made, and used to laugh so hard at. I find
myself listening to "The Beatles" simply because they were
her favorite band. All that I have left, are these memories.
These things about you, that still hold part of you here with
us.
The selfish side of me, wants to keep you here with me so badly.
I can't let go. Even though, I know I must.
-Karolyn
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