Relationships @ MindSay 
love
Give up the Myth
I don't know why I keep coming back here over and over. I'm sure anyone who has me on their friend list is sick of seeing my updates! Anyway, throughout this whole thing I've turned repeatedly to the internet to find support and clarity. Today I came upon a Yahoo! Answers question that had the best answer ever. This is the way I felt through most of Diego and I's relationship. This is what my feelings are on relationships. I love how clearly he puts this into words. This is what makes it so hard to let go of Diego, because I have always known this and believed it to be true. I was content with him (until he began being so unhappy that he began treating me outright badly), and this is why. This is how I feel about Diego and I's relationship. How I feel. Our bond runs deep - very deep - and our similarities are fundamental - our differences are superficial. He never cheated. He never lied except the last few months. He never abused (maybe verbally a little bit towards the end...). I just hate that the damage went so far that it seemed irreparable. But I guess that doesn't matter because it seems like I'm the only one who wanted to repair it. Anyway, here's what the guy had to say, totally in line with my own feelings and beliefs:
The reigning theme I got from everything you said is this: why on earth are you even contemplating divorce? Is there some bigger issue there like cheating, abuse of some sort, unsupportiveness? You are best friends (always the best foundation for a marriage), business partners (so the fights concerning money might be less dramatic), you share 3 children who were created by the two of you...being together. You don't fight much (so you must agree on the big stuff), and you enjoy each other's company. And yet you say you're not in love with each other. Hmph. Love is something you DO not something you FEEL.
It is not acceptable to divorce someone just b/c you're not in love with them anymore. I say you're wrong. You love this person very much, otherwise you would not share a strong friendship and years of companionship. Don't give up so easy. You're chasing that new lusty feeling you get when you first meet someone, and no, you're not likely to get that back with your partner, but there's something much better: the trust of a longstanding relationship. The comfort of knowing what you're going home to. The security of knowing you are undeniably loved. Being 'in love' doesn't last very long. And if you expect it to you will find yourself divorced every few years. Love is something you have to work at. Ever heard that song 'Love is a Verb'? It's totally true. Love is something you work at. That blossomy, heartbusting thing you feel in the beginning isn't a lasting feeling, so you're chasing a temporary emotion.
If everything you say is true, this is love, and I don't understand how you can say it's not, just cuz maybe you don't quite have the hots 24/7 for your partner the way you used to. Work at it. Put some spark back into it. You're in a rut, work at getting out of it, b/c there's nothing better out there than what you have already. And to damage your kids and the life you've already built with this person just b/c neither of you is 'feeling' in love at the moment is a bad idea. Yeah, I'm sure you could stay friends if you got divorced. At least for a while, till one of you started seeing someone else. But if you can stay friends...than why not stay married? I've heard people say Friends Make The BestLovers, but not Friends Make The Best Exes! LOL
It is a myth that there is one person out there that will completely fulfill and satisfy you for the rest of your life. Love is more than a feeling, it's your decisions and actions every day. You have to choose to love this person. Most divorces now are a result of being disappointed. Being disappointed is a choice you make.
One day, when I get married, it will be forever. I'm not Christian... but I believe in marriage as a life-long commitment none-the-less. And I would like a life-long commitment.
I was committed to Diego for life. I don't think he ever fully realized that. That I loved him unconditionally and would always be there for him. Always. But that can't happen anymore. He denied that, said "no thanks... I want something else..." I'm not sure what that is, since most people are looking for life-long, unwavering commitment. But that's okay. I'll find someone else who will be as committed to me as I am willing to be to them. :) I find peace in that. I believe that will happen.
Good evening...
The reigning theme I got from everything you said is this: why on earth are you even contemplating divorce? Is there some bigger issue there like cheating, abuse of some sort, unsupportiveness? You are best friends (always the best foundation for a marriage), business partners (so the fights concerning money might be less dramatic), you share 3 children who were created by the two of you...being together. You don't fight much (so you must agree on the big stuff), and you enjoy each other's company. And yet you say you're not in love with each other. Hmph. Love is something you DO not something you FEEL.
It is not acceptable to divorce someone just b/c you're not in love with them anymore. I say you're wrong. You love this person very much, otherwise you would not share a strong friendship and years of companionship. Don't give up so easy. You're chasing that new lusty feeling you get when you first meet someone, and no, you're not likely to get that back with your partner, but there's something much better: the trust of a longstanding relationship. The comfort of knowing what you're going home to. The security of knowing you are undeniably loved. Being 'in love' doesn't last very long. And if you expect it to you will find yourself divorced every few years. Love is something you have to work at. Ever heard that song 'Love is a Verb'? It's totally true. Love is something you work at. That blossomy, heartbusting thing you feel in the beginning isn't a lasting feeling, so you're chasing a temporary emotion.
If everything you say is true, this is love, and I don't understand how you can say it's not, just cuz maybe you don't quite have the hots 24/7 for your partner the way you used to. Work at it. Put some spark back into it. You're in a rut, work at getting out of it, b/c there's nothing better out there than what you have already. And to damage your kids and the life you've already built with this person just b/c neither of you is 'feeling' in love at the moment is a bad idea. Yeah, I'm sure you could stay friends if you got divorced. At least for a while, till one of you started seeing someone else. But if you can stay friends...than why not stay married? I've heard people say Friends Make The BestLovers, but not Friends Make The Best Exes! LOL
It is a myth that there is one person out there that will completely fulfill and satisfy you for the rest of your life. Love is more than a feeling, it's your decisions and actions every day. You have to choose to love this person. Most divorces now are a result of being disappointed. Being disappointed is a choice you make.
One day, when I get married, it will be forever. I'm not Christian... but I believe in marriage as a life-long commitment none-the-less. And I would like a life-long commitment.
I was committed to Diego for life. I don't think he ever fully realized that. That I loved him unconditionally and would always be there for him. Always. But that can't happen anymore. He denied that, said "no thanks... I want something else..." I'm not sure what that is, since most people are looking for life-long, unwavering commitment. But that's okay. I'll find someone else who will be as committed to me as I am willing to be to them. :) I find peace in that. I believe that will happen.
Good evening...
(no subject)
Well hello there.
Clearly, it's been some time since I last updated. I'm sitting at my desk at work, enjoying a cup of Earl Grey tea. Something reminded me of Chris, which caused me to remember a lot of things, and this blog happened to be one of them.
I CANNOT believe that I still remember my password!
Anyway... I'm glad I wrote this blog, even if I am my own audience. I re-read everything now and I can't help but smile, coming from the perspective of a woman fully grown.
I'm still with David. We began dating some time after my last entry, after my relationship with Chris had a mountain dropped on it. There have been multiple times that I've felt a little disappointed that the fire and sparking passion that dotted the landscape of my relationship with Chris has been much more absent in my relationship with David. I don't know whether I should attribute this to being older, wiser, and more jaded, or else the simple fact that my chemistry with David is made of stabler compounds. Be that as it may, I think that I am overall happier with David. I think we are a better match for each other. And for the record, I have found myself thinking that I would like to marry him. I have never spoken about marriage to him, and I have never vocalized that sentiment to anyone else, but it's true.
Perhaps I'll log in in a few years' time and post yet another update to confirm that as having been my fate, or perhaps I'll log in with yet another example of my mercurial, romantic inclinations. Perhaps I won't log in ever again.
But, there's that.
Hey :)
I don't know what I'd do without my fiance Toby. He is the most amazing man I've ever met and I am so blessed and happy with him. The fact that I even found him to begin with is shocking because I had completely given up. I didn't think that one day I'd actually be able to say that I am with someone who loves me for who I am. I thought that was unheard of. Most guys nowadays, it seems, only want to have sex and don't want to make any effort with actually being with someone. It's actually quite sad how the world is now. Girls say that there aren't any good guy left, but I'm just glad that I can prove that theory wrong, cause he is so good to me. He takes care of me and has been there for me more than anyone else ever has.
If you wanna find someone, give up. Care about yourself and don't even think about trying to find someone. But you also wanna know what you want in a person and don't settle for anything. You'll find the one you're looking for, just give it time and patience :)
Women are Idiots
The title is a general statement although it pretty much includes the majority of women when it comes to relationships with men. Like 90% of women. And it's the truth as much as women may try to deny it. I've been joining different dating sites and it seems as if every woman's profile is looking for the same thing. A man who does not play games, who will not bring drama, who will treat her nice, who can be a gentleman, who pretty much will be prince charming. Oh yeah, they also have to be hot. But of course, that last bit isn't directly stated but since it's internet dating, women have that option to pick and choose from the multitude of men who reply.
But no matter how many times women say that's the kind of man they're looking for they choose the man that's the opposite, the jerk, the one who knows how to play the game by being a jerk. Treating a woman just well enough to keep her around yet overall acts as if he could always do better, that he doesn't have to be with her and she's lucky to be with him. He's the bad boy, the one who acts tough to everyone else but is so sweet and nice when it's the two of them. But sometimes, he can be a jerk enough to turn her on, to rev her engines. He's also the guy who actually will leave you, even if who he leaves you for is worse physically or personality-wise.
Then the woman bemoans how guys can be such jerks and that they should find someone who won't be such a jerk, who will treat her nice and blah, blah, blah. And when they find that guy who treats her nice, who buys her flowers that doesn't follow a night's argument; she's suspicious. Because jerks (guys) only do this when they've got something to hide, when they're feeling guilty about something. He's just too good to be true. So this guy being nice has to be cheating on her. So away with him and it's back to jerks again. And 7 times out of 10 (I'm just picking a ratio here, haha), she just dumped a good thing. A man who would actually have stuck by her side down the years, who could have treated her right.
But it's not the nice guy's fault. Because there's a third kind of guy in the game of love. I've already talked about the first two and if you need a refresher they are the jerks who are short of being asshats and then there are nice guys. The third guy is the type that gives nice guys a bad name and who make jerks look like noobs. These are the guys who act like the nice guy but in reality they're not. They're the ones everyone loves; that girls swoon over and guys want to be. They're the type of guy who seems to do everything just right; not too nice yet he's not a jerk. But deep down, this monster son-of-a-bitch is the reason why nice guys finish last. Because they play the game so well that it messes with the minds of women and it's their stories that get spread.
These are the women whose lost so much trust in men in general that they either end up alone or end up with one loser after another. And it's their tales that is my guess as to why nice guys aren't dealt with. It's one thing to date a jerk. Women know he's a jerk and when they end up breaking their hearts, well you know what. That guy was just an asshole! But getting hurt by the "nice guy" who wasn't really so nice. That hurts a lot more because the woman never expects it. And it's this fear that the guy being too good to be true, is just that. Instead of a genuine nice guy.
And the cynic would say, "Well it's better to be a jerk and date than to be a nice guy and get passed by." But it's not true. Men who turn to the jerk side only perpetuate the cycle of women dating only jerks until their mid thirties when they realize that the jerk will not be providing any kind of support, financially or emotionally. And that's when they pick any guy who's half-way decent because the 6% of women have snatched up the nice guys. They're the ones who had their eyes open to the players and picked the ones wanting a nice relationship. Or they were just lucky...it happens.
So yeah. Women are idiots when it comes to dating. I don't think that's ever going to change. I know because it's happened to me. I've heard it said to me time and again how I'm such a nice guy, any girl would be lucky enough to have me as their boyfriend. But am I in a happy and committed relationship? No. Because I'm a nice guy...nice enough to be friends with, but not nice enough to be with. I've tried being a jerk and it makes me feel sick inside. I can't do it and I won't do it any longer (not that this was a recent thing). It's not in me to be like that.
So if you, the woman reader, feel that this doesn't apply to you, take a look at your life. How many of your relationships have worked out? Recall the type of guys you've been out with, how they acted with you, how they acted with friends, how they acted toward strangers and servers in bars/restaurants/shops. That last especially tells a guy's personality. If you have a child, are you with the baby's father? And if you are, honestly look at how often you get into arguments and when you're unhappy compared to when you're happy. Really look at why it is you're staying with the guy.
There's a reason I worded it as women are idiots. It more than likely drew your attention. But it really should be...women are blind. Love/Lust can be blind. Despite what I've written here, more than likely your eyes will still be closed.
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