Relationship @ MindSay

  A few years ago, I began a journey of self discovery being prompted by this thought; how can the true measure of ones virtue be known unless it's tested against a wall of vileness? 

So far, this is what I've discovered; "I'm not full of virtue or noble qualities" (as I imagined myself to be) and, there are junctures on this 'road' that, when met, stir within a sometimes violent, emotional confrontation, resulting in a submissive willingness to go far beyond the parameters of the person I've wanted people to believe I am. 

There's wildness and sweet abandonment in me . . .  I've fallen and am falling; stumbled and am stumbling; rushed, yet am rushing, headlong into the internal/external ecstasies of substantive love . . . which has revealed itself to be the inescapable foundation (and hence, the beginning) of authentic and meaningful relationship. 

I'm just beginning to breach my dimensions.  This character study is proving to be the one upon which all others will hinge . . . (I think!)

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I seriously fucking scared myself today.
I was reunited with that blackened, blankened emptiness in my head - the very same one I had when I spat on Ash from the top of the wonky stairs, when I punched her in the face by construction and the several major arguments with Shelly where I came close to strangling her.
 
I don't even remember what the build up to it was - I can only remember the during and the afterwards.
I remember getting more and more frustrated with her, knowing she was being a fucking stupid cunt as usual - being so damned selfish, self-centred, self-important, spiteful and generally immature - to the point where I ended up leaning over her, pinning her to my bed by her shoulders - actually not using a massive amount of strength, but she wasn't able to fight me off.
 
I wasn't violent - I didn't hit her - but I spoke with that incredibly sarcastic, patronising, calm-yet-very-violent tone - making no effort to swallow excess saliva - so when I said my harsh consonants, she got my wet rage on her cheeks. And I said a lot of harsh consonants.
 
I wanted her to be scared, and I knew when Shelly gets  that scared, she has accidents. I wanted her to piss herself - I wanted her to be humiliated, ashamed - I wanted her to have no control over herself.
I spoke to her like this for about 10 minutes, then went to sit at my computer for a while. What I did, I don't remember - but she didn't move - she stayed on my bed, laid in the same position.
 
I went back over to her afterwards and returned to what I was doing previously - but harsher.
At one point, I saw her flush red and she started crying hard - as opposed to the watery eyes she'd had for the rest of the time. I had a feeling I may have accomplished what I set out to do - but I made her admit to it to humiliate her further.
 
There's another gap in my recollection - but after this, I went to lay in my special space - between my bed and drawers. I took a pillow and laid on the floor, my head by the boiler and my feet by the desk. I cried a little bit, because I felt guilty. Then I cried a lot, because I was depressed and ashamed.
I couldn't apologise for a very long time - nor could I bring myself to look at Shelly. She made me eventually and I gave a sort-of apology. I don't think it was good enough, but she assured me that it was.
 
She made me tell her some events from "5 to 15" that I don't like talking about. She insists that they have some answers to why I feel the way I do now.
 
Well I'm willing to bet they do - but not as significant as she makes out. She fucking assumes wrong all the time. How dare she fucking assume and then go ahead to state that I ENJOY feeling depressed all the time. No, I'm not fucking content in my own depression. If that was the fucking case, I wouldn't have agreed to more sessions with Dianne. I wouldn't fight with myself every fucking night to stop myself cutting.
She is the fucking stupidest cunt I know. Who the fuck would say I enjoy being depressed? You can CLEARLY fucking see that I don't! Anybody could fucking tell you that!!

Fuck love
fuck life
fuck this
why bother

The most right thing I ever felt turns out to be wrong.

I can't live with that.

I'm gone.

fml fml fml fml fml fml fml fml fml fml fml fml fml fml FML

So I am home alone for 3 weeks. Mom's away visiting her old friend who used to live here, but had to move away because of her husband. It had been a few years that they saw each other, and they were friends since they were four years old, so I'm happy for her, and I can't say I don't like having the house all to myself, hehe.

I can go out and get a drink without worry of waking her up, and even go for really late night walks without her freaking out about where in the world I'm going at 3 in the morning! : P

Sometimes I get random urges to do things, like the other night I just had to run. I wanted to run and run until I just collapsed... so I went down my street a bit, but then saw bushes moved so I only ran back to my house. Could have been an animal or a person, either way I did not want to find out, being all I had to defend myself was a little pocket knife. Still fun though.

The boyfriend's going away for a few days with his family on a kayak trip. I wonder what it's like to have a family vacation. I've never been on one, never with both mom and dad, and rarely even with just one of them, on anything you could call a vacation. It seems they're quite well off. His house is beautiful! I hope if he ever gets to visit me here, that my house will be comfortable. It definately isn't as large, and it's not as nice looking. I'd try to keep it cleaner if he were here, though. Their house was always clean. Mom and I kinda slack off.

I guess this entry's more of a in-place-of-journal and might not be too interesting to anyone. I just finished the last page of my journal and I have no more to write in. I also need paper towel, maple syrup, and cheese. But anyways! Haha.

I'm thinking of pole dancing to make money. I always thought it would be fun, because I like dancing, and poles. XP

And I talked to the boyfriend about it (I don't think I mentioned his name yet, but it's Jayden) and he said he's fine with it, because the money will be going towards us visiting each other. I thought he might say no indefinately, but I guess he sees the reason in it, and I think it's a small price to pay (to dance and be looked at), in order to see him again.

I think it'd be different if it were touching, which I know he wouldn't agree with at all, which I would not even consider to begin with.

I mean, he said it's not the best job he'd like me to have, but if it means we get to visit each other more often, he'll accept it.

I plan on taking pole classes this summer, and by May when I'm out of university, I will be 19 so I can hope to audition at some places. We'll see how it all goes.

I've also become nocturnal... I go to bed at 5:30 and wake up around 17h30...

There's so much I want to do this summer, but at the same time I'd like to bask in having absolutely nothing to do, for it's been 3 years since I could say that. Every summer there's always been homework to get ahead on or catch up on or work on...

Even in the summer before grade 10. I think the last summer I had free was grade 8, which was a really crappy summer in terms of.. not having any friends and trouble with the friends I did have. But I guess it wasn't too bad... I did make out with a lot of guys. Take that as a good or bad thing I guess, but I was depressed so I kinda let it happen.

Alright, I rambled on enough. I'm so behind in my reading! Gah... Which upsets me but also makes me kinda happy because friends have actually been inviting me to things. :3 Mainly my friend Bobby who I went to a few concerts with and went to prom with as friends. He's a really nice guy and we always have fun together and he seems to be the only one who invites me to things. So yea.

I say I've rambled enough and I continue on! Well, I don't wanna go to bed! neh!

Waking up early in case Jayden's on before he leaves. He said he'll try to remember. I won't blame him if he doesn't because it might be hectic in the morning and he might not have the time. I'll still be up just in case. : )

ok, goodnight!