Relating Through Music @ MindSay

"Coming out of my cage
And I've been doing just fine
Gotta gotta be down
Because I want it all
It started out with a kiss
How did it end up like this?
It was only a kiss
It was only a kiss

Now I'm falling asleep
And she's calling a cab
While he's having a smoke
And she's taking a drag
Now they're going to bed
And my stomach is sick
And it's all in my head

But she's touching his chest now
He takes off her dress now
Let me go
And I just can't look
It's killing me
And taking control

Jealousy
Turning saints into the sea 
Swimming through sick lullabies
Choking on your alibis
But it's just the price I pay
Destiny is calling me
Open up my eager eyes
Cuz I'm Mr. Brightside

 

I'm coming out of my cage
And I've been doing just fine
Gotta gotta be down
Because I want it all
It started out with a kiss
How did it end up like this?
It was only a kiss
It was only a kiss

Now I'm falling asleep
And she's calling a cab
While he's having a smoke
And she's taking a drag
Now they're going to bed
And my stomach is sick
And it's all in my head

 

But she's touching his chest now
He takes off her dress now
Let me go 
Cuz I just can't look
It's killing me
And taking control

Jealousy
Turning saints into the sea 
Swimming through sick lullabies
Choking on your alibi
But it's just the price I pay
Destiny is calling me
Open up my eager eyes
Cuz I'm Mr. Brightside

 

I never...

I never...

I never!

I never!"

 

The Killers- "Mr. Brightside"

 

n whats really funny...is i was sitting in the car, trying not to cry, hoping this song would come on knowing that if it did he would just change it because he doesn't like it...but they are having problems. and i will make sure he remembers that i do want to go to more raves over the break even tho i didnt get a chance to say so tonight

Stuart replied to that entry i asked u guys to read n leave feedback on n even tho none of u give a fuck about me enough to do so, (i don't wanna hear n e shit about how u do, cuz at least one person could have), except for Mike, i'm gonna post his response n my response. (even tho no one is gonna read it) Here's his response:

 

Okay look, I'm still a bit pissed at you and I'm sure the feeling is mutual, but I've got one thing to say and I hope you'll listen.

 

First of all, I'm... sorry for some of the things I said.  I spoke out of anger and anger breeds irrational thoughts.  Also, I'm trying to incorperate aspects of Buddism into my life and it teaches that no logical conversation ends in anger.

 

Second, I would like you to understand where part of that anger came from.  For quite awhile now, you've spoken to me like I'm a two-dimensional person.  Do you realize how much it hurts to be spoken to like that?  You talk to me like I have no depth outside the drugs I've tried and thats not true.  Thats what Ashli was saying.  I am a multi-dimensional person with other parts of my life besides drugs.  I am a thinking, feeling human being who thinks, loves and does many things in my life.  Every time you dismiss an argument of mine by saying "I've fried my brain" or calling me things like "druggy" it tells me that I'm not a worthwhile person in your eyes.  And I think the fact that I've actually been doing rather well in my classes should prove that I have more depth and intelligence than you give me credit for.

 

So, I finally got angry and said some brutal things.

 

Well, thats all.  Thats all I needed to say.

 

Namaskar

 

my response to these empty apologies n unsupported claims that i've heard over n over n over again? well here:

 

i had this conversation on saturday after i came home from the bank so i'd have money to get into the rave later:

 

fuzzycookie1 (5:34:59 PM): guess who replied to that entry about stuart?
mdunn175 (5:35:23 PM): stuart?
fuzzycookie1 (5:35:47 PM): yep
fuzzycookie1 (5:35:51 PM): i haven't read it yet
mdunn175 (5:36:03 PM): let me go look. i'm sure he made an ass of himself
fuzzycookie1 (5:36:07 PM): i just know it starts w/ "ok look"
fuzzycookie1 (5:36:08 PM): lol
fuzzycookie1 (5:36:18 PM): i was gonna ask u if u could do that for me, but i felt like an ass
mdunn175 (5:36:19 PM): haha probably
fuzzycookie1 (5:36:24 PM): so now i feel better than u offered
mdunn175 (5:36:42 PM): no problem. you never need feel like you can't ask me.
fuzzycookie1 (5:36:52 PM): but i will
fuzzycookie1 (5:37:03 PM): cuz i feel like its too much to ask for
mdunn175 (5:37:17 PM): naw, that's nothing at all. it's no trouble
fuzzycookie1 (5:37:18 PM): since i asked ppl to read n give feedback n surprisingly he apparently did
fuzzycookie1 (5:37:31 PM): well i'm not going to argue w/ u, so i'm just gonna leave it @ that
mdunn175 (5:37:42 PM): haha, okay
mdunn175 (5:37:50 PM): let me see what he had to say
fuzzycookie1 (5:37:58 PM): kk
fuzzycookie1 (5:38:12 PM): don't copy n paste the reply, i don't want to read it yet. just sumarize what he says
fuzzycookie1 (5:38:38 PM): n i just read that entry all over again so i know everything that both u n i said in it n i'm wondering if he had the attention span to read the whole thing
mdunn175 (5:38:39 PM): naw, i wouldn't do that. otherwise you might as well have just read it yourself.
fuzzycookie1 (5:38:51 PM): heh, k
fuzzycookie1 (5:38:54 PM): just wanted to make sure
mdunn175 (5:39:10 PM): he probably read the whole thing, but forgot what it said right after he read it. i'm sure he can't retain information
fuzzycookie1 (5:39:19 PM): lol
mdunn175 (5:39:32 PM): hahaha, you're right, it does start with ok look
fuzzycookie1 (5:39:56 PM): that explains why when i write him really long responses explaining things to him he ignores half of it n tries to tell me i'm wrong when i've already covered all of those bases...n then the cycle continues, haha
fuzzycookie1 (5:40:04 PM): yeah, i knew that cuz that's what i can see in my inbox
mdunn175 (5:40:40 PM): well, he's actually somewhat civil
fuzzycookie1 (5:40:45 PM): really?
mdunn175 (5:41:30 PM): even apologizes a little. then tries to explain where he's coming from. he does dismiss the drug abuse still though. but tries to prove there's more to him than just that
fuzzycookie1 (5:41:47 PM): he's done that before
fuzzycookie1 (5:42:09 PM): and i think to some extent there still is. i get mad n say there isn't, but what i really mean is in about a month or two there won't be
fuzzycookie1 (5:42:18 PM): or
mdunn175 (5:42:21 PM): yeah, so i'd give him an e for effort (the letter, not the drug), but still not entirely sincere
fuzzycookie1 (5:42:21 PM): let me put it this way
fuzzycookie1 (5:42:28 PM): XD
fuzzycookie1 (5:42:29 PM): n e way
fuzzycookie1 (5:42:39 PM): let me put it this way
fuzzycookie1 (5:43:08 PM): its not that i don't think he's just a druggy. I'd like to think there's more to him than that, but that's all he ever shows me n e more
fuzzycookie1 (5:43:43 PM): so really from what i've seen the only part of Stuart that's the same is his occasional immaturity n asian racism
mdunn175 (5:43:50 PM): yeah. he's trying to say there's more than that and he doesn't like it when you say that's all there is
fuzzycookie1 (5:44:02 PM): well then he needs to show me there's more than that
fuzzycookie1 (5:44:05 PM): cuz he hasn't
fuzzycookie1 (5:44:09 PM): n i really want to believe there is
fuzzycookie1 (5:44:19 PM): all he ever says is, "there's more to me than that" but he never shows it
mdunn175 (5:44:20 PM): he tries to use his grades as an example
mdunn175 (5:45:07 PM): but that's the only one he gives. otherwise he just says over and over that there's more to him than drugs
fuzzycookie1 (5:45:12 PM): i guess that's fair, but i know ppl that smoke weed daily n still do their homework
mdunn175 (5:45:48 PM): yeah. though a little weed isn't quite the same as what he's doing. and i wouldn't be surprised if his grades do start to suffer if he keeps on the road he's on
fuzzycookie1 (5:46:29 PM): even if i'm wrong about his grades, that's still not a reflection of his intelligence (i know u didn't mention that, but we did point out that he's an illogical idiot several times in that convo XD)
fuzzycookie1 (5:46:57 PM): i know he doesn't like it when i say that's all there is, n i do feel bad, but i can't help but be honest
mdunn175 (5:47:10 PM): yeah, he needs to show there's more than that.
mdunn175 (5:47:34 PM): so to sum his post up, he's apologetic at first, then devensive
mdunn175 (5:47:38 PM): defensive
fuzzycookie1 (5:48:04 PM): and (i KNOW i posted on this towards the end of April) i told him if he goes back on his promise of quitting drugs, he'll have proven to me he's just a druggy n i told him i wasn't gonna be nice about his habit n e more
fuzzycookie1 (5:48:23 PM): n sure enough, he went back on it n look where he is now. n i'm in no fucking mood to be nice about it
mdunn175 (5:48:44 PM): yeah, he broke a promise, so he doesn't really deserve the benefit of the doubt anymore
fuzzycookie1 (5:48:50 PM): if he wants me to stop saying there's nothing more to him than drugs than he needs to prove it. i can't live on unsupported hope w/ him n e more
fuzzycookie1 (5:48:58 PM): it wasn't even a promise to me, it was a promise to him
fuzzycookie1 (5:49:01 PM): no, he doesn't
fuzzycookie1 (5:49:30 PM): he hasn't deserved the benefit of the doubt for a while, but because i'm such a "great friend" as u'd stay, i'm still here n i'm still putting up w/ this shit
mdunn175 (5:49:37 PM): well, all he does is try to say there's more to him than drugs. but the only example he gives is the school bit
mdunn175 (5:50:41 PM): well, it's probably time you don't put up with it anymore. i think he's abusing the friendship. or at least he doesn't seem to want it. he does say he's still pissed at you somewhat. he's kind of all over the place really. first pissed, then sorry, then defensive
fuzzycookie1 (5:51:45 PM): so just to re-cap: he apologizes a little, tries to explain where he's coming from, then claims he's not abusing drugs, n then tries to tell me there's more to him than that
fuzzycookie1 (5:52:23 PM): and i don't care if he's pissed at me. its about god damned fucking time i piss that boy off after all the pain he's caused me, so fuck that
fuzzycookie1 (5:52:28 PM): i don't care if he's pissed
mdunn175 (5:52:46 PM): yeah, pretty much. first he says he's still a little pissed, then he says he's sorry for some of the things he said, then he tries to explain why he said them is because you think he's just a druggie and he claims he's not
fuzzycookie1 (5:53:00 PM): see
mdunn175 (5:53:00 PM): yeah, nor should you care if he's pissed
mdunn175 (5:53:15 PM): he's pretty much all over the place.
mdunn175 (5:53:26 PM): which is probably a symptom of the drugs
fuzzycookie1 (5:53:58 PM): we've done the whole "i-said-those-things-just-cuz-u-called-me-a-dr uggy-n-i-didn't-mean-them-but-here's-how-i' m-not-a-druggy" before
mdunn175 (5:54:22 PM): yeah. and he's doing it again. that's probably all he really has
fuzzycookie1 (5:54:24 PM): when he tries to explain where he's coming from, its just horseshit
fuzzycookie1 (5:54:41 PM): pretty much that IS his only explanation of where he's coming from
mdunn175 (5:55:01 PM): yeah, especially since he never really gives any examples of what more there is to him than the drugs. he doesn't back it up with anything
fuzzycookie1 (5:55:10 PM): that i called him a druggy n hurt his feelings. i feel bad for that, i really do, but fuck, if he wants me to think he's not a druggy he's gotta show me that he's not
fuzzycookie1 (5:55:23 PM): yeah, that's stuart
fuzzycookie1 (5:55:55 PM): but according to him not backing up ur shit w/ n e thing other than possible scenarios is logic n backing up ur shit w/ actual evidence n things that have already happened isn't
mdunn175 (5:56:02 PM): well, you can only call them like you see them.
fuzzycookie1 (5:56:17 PM): i'm sure when i read it it will just be more of what i've heard before
mdunn175 (5:56:18 PM): well, he's certainly confused
fuzzycookie1 (5:56:22 PM): lol
mdunn175 (5:56:39 PM): yeah, probably. i think i've even read some of it before on your blog from him
fuzzycookie1 (5:56:44 PM): he's so cute when he's confused...or at least he used to be. stupidity + confused = *stab*
fuzzycookie1 (5:57:04 PM): i'm sure u have if u read the replies on my entries often
mdunn175 (5:57:21 PM): yeah, it all does sound kind of familar
......

mdunn175 (6:00:11 PM): haha, okay
fuzzycookie1 (6:00:16 PM): if he really gives a fuck he'll read the whole thing again.
fuzzycookie1 (6:00:22 PM): well, its the most civil way i can
mdunn175 (6:00:32 PM): well, that's a lot to read. i doubt he will
fuzzycookie1 (6:02:22 PM): cuz i'm in a pretty nuetral mood right now. i'm goin to a rave later so my mind is mainly focused on that n i just wanna go w/ good vibes.
fuzzycookie1 (6:02:39 PM): lol, well he did read that entry. i'm sure if he sees there's another one about him he'll read it
fuzzycookie1 (6:02:48 PM): cuz it is about him, after all
mdunn175 signed on at 6:03:08 PM.
fuzzycookie1 (6:03:22 PM): but i'm pretty sure there's nothing i can say to stuart that i didn't in this convo based on what u told me, n if there is i'll tell it to him
fuzzycookie1 (6:03:31 PM): other than that, everything i could possibly tell him is here
mdunn175 (6:04:02 PM): yeah. well, honestly, i don't think there's anything you can really tell him period. i think mostly it's just a lost cause
mdunn175 (6:05:24 PM): I doubt whatever you say to him is going to make him have some sort of epiphany or something.
fuzzycookie1 (6:06:31 PM): me too
fuzzycookie1 (6:06:37 PM): because he's told me all those things before
fuzzycookie1 (6:06:42 PM): n i've told him all these things before
fuzzycookie1 (6:07:04 PM): he gets mad, i post something, n suddenly when the rest of the world can see what i think of him, he's sorry
mdunn175 (6:07:09 PM): yeah. i think i've even read them all before on the blog. so it seems you two are just going in circles. probably best at this point to just give up on him
fuzzycookie1 (6:07:28 PM): then some shit happens, i post on it, he sees that the world is reading all these horrible things about him, n then he's sorry again
fuzzycookie1 (6:08:14 PM): its the same cycle that keeps going. the ppl who read my blog have to think good things of stuart cuz stuart thinks good things of stuart. it doesn't matter what i fucking think, but if other ppl think that, n agree w/ me? heaven forbid!
mdunn175 (6:08:25 PM): well, if he was smart he'd just go away and let you be. then he wouldn't ever need to apologize
fuzzycookie1 (6:08:51 PM): its sweet that he apologizes, but he only does when i post an entry on my blog about how hurt i feel because of him
mdunn175 (6:08:55 PM): well, he certainly does a poor job of defending himself.
fuzzycookie1 (6:09:00 PM): yeah he does
mdunn175 (6:09:28 PM): well, it's only a halfassed apology too since he then goes on the defensive
fuzzycookie1 (6:09:39 PM): i think he apologizes n then tries to tell me i'm wrong because he wants me to post a public apology or something or say that i was wrong about him, but i won't because i'm not
fuzzycookie1 (6:09:44 PM): he's yet to show me that
fuzzycookie1 (6:09:47 PM): yep. it always is
mdunn175 (6:10:27 PM): yeah, that's what he certainly is searching for. i think he just wants to make himself look good
fuzzycookie1 (6:10:32 PM): i'm such a "great friend" but this is happening to me once again
mdunn175 (6:10:34 PM): it's no sincere for sure
fuzzycookie1 (6:10:37 PM): exactly
mdunn175 (6:11:03 PM): well, the problem is that people take advantage of your friendship, which they shouldn't. so that's something wrong with them, not you
fuzzycookie1 (6:11:11 PM): i'm sure all he wants to do is make himself look good. he tells me all this bullshit about freedom n w/e, but he obviously still cares n still cares A LOT of what ppl think of him
fuzzycookie1 (6:11:15 PM): heh, thanx
mdunn175 (6:11:43 PM): yeah, he does seem to come out of the woodwork only to defend himself
fuzzycookie1 (6:12:05 PM): i think its because he wants ppl to think he's changed. he's told me before that he hates who he used to be n was when he first met, so i think he wants ppl to think he's better now
mdunn175 signed on at 6:12:42 PM.
mdunn175 (6:12:56 PM): well, the best way to show people he's better is by example of course.
fuzzycookie1 (6:13:09 PM): well as soon as he sees all this shit its gonna be another arguement. he's gonna see all this same bullshit i've tried to tell him before n that i'm not gonna back down n be passive, he's probably gonna be all pissed n try to insult me again
mdunn175 (6:13:19 PM): so he should tone down the drug abuse and then people will see he's better
fuzzycookie1 (6:13:19 PM): well he doesn't have n e examples
fuzzycookie1 (6:13:29 PM): n according to him examples aren't logic, so that's probably why
fuzzycookie1 (6:13:42 PM): cuz heaven forbid he prove he's incapable of using logic
fuzzycookie1 (6:14:05 PM): if he didn't care what ppl thought of him n he was just himself he would be better
fuzzycookie1 (6:14:06 PM): period
fuzzycookie1 (6:14:12 PM): no matter what that entailed
mdunn175 (6:14:30 PM): well, at some point you should probably not bother trying to post stuff about him. he's probably too far gone, and it doesn't really do much good to go over it for the 20th time, since he won't see things. so at somepoint you should probably just let it go, at least on your blog
mdunn175 (6:14:54 PM): yeah, he is really defensive. but that's probably part of the paranoia he's gotten from the drugs
fuzzycookie1 (6:14:58 PM): i know that i'm not that good at it, but i'm a hell of a lot better @ not giving a fuck of what ppl think of me than he is
mdunn175 (6:15:37 PM): well, as i said, i think the defensivness goes along with the paranoia
fuzzycookie1 (6:15:43 PM): well, some ppl are just more defensive, but i have to agree w/ u cuz he used to be really passive
fuzzycookie1 (6:16:04 PM): yeah, i was thinkin him caring about what ppl think of him is part of that, too

 

grades are not a reflection of intelligence. this is something we've discussed before. n if u want me to believe ur not just a druggy, then you need to SHOW ME. n the reason i dismiss your arguements by saying u've fried ur brain n i call u a druggy is because YOUR ARGUMENTS HAVE NO LOGIC!!!! YOUR BRAIN IS FRIED!! IF U'D ACTUALLY READ THE CONVERSATION I HAD W/ THIS PERSON (BOTH OF THESE) U'D SEE THAT HE HAS READ YOUR OWN WORDS TO ME WITH HIS OWN EYES N HE AGREES W/ ME. but i'm sure that somehow ur mind will conveniently skip over everything useful i've had to say to u the same way that it always does. i've heard this all before, Stuart. n i've told u before- prove me wrong. n so far u haven't and i'm very sure u never will.

 

if u wanna see them here's the link to those replies n that entry. i don't have n e thing more to say than all that. i could sit n repeat myself, but i know there's nothing more i can do. if he won't admit he has a problem then he can't admit that he needs help, n if he doesn't think he needs help he's not gonna want it. At least i fuckin tried.

 

"I've heard it all before
I've heard it all before
I've heard it all before
I've heard it all before
I've heard it all before
I've heard it all before
I've heard it all before

I've heard it all before
I've heard it all before
I've heard it all before

I've heard it all before
I've heard it all before

I don't wanna hear, I don't wanna know
Please don't say you're sorry
I've heard it all before
And I can take care of myself
I don't wanna hear, I don't wanna know
Please don't say 'forgive me'
I've seen it all before
And I can't take it anymore

You're not half the man you think you are
Save your words because you've gone too far
I've listened to your lies and all your stories (Listen to your stories)
You're not half the man you lied to be

I don't wanna hear, I don't wanna know
Please don't say you're sorry
I've heard it all before
And I can take care of myself
I don't wanna hear, I don't wanna know
Please don't say 'forgive me'
I've seen it all before
And I can't take it anymore

Don't explain yourself cause talk is cheap
There's more important things than hearing you speak
You stayed because I made it so convenient (so convenient)
Don't explain yourself, you'll never see"

 

http://blackmamba.mindsay.com/who_in_my_life_doesnt_this_aply_to.mws

 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

 

"I tried to help you once
Against my own advice
I saw you going down
But you never realized
That you're drowning in the water
So I offered you my hand
Compassion's in my nature
Tonight is our last dance

I tear my heart open, I sew myself shut
And my weakness is that I care too much
And our scars remind us that the past is real
I tear my heart open just to feel

I'm drunk and I'm feeling down
And I just wanna be alone
You should've never come around
Why don't you just go home?
'Cuz you're drowning in the water
And I tried to grab your hand
I left my heart open
But you didn't understand
But you didn't understand

Go fix yourself!

I can't help you fix yourself
But at least I can say I tried
I'm sorry but I gotta move on with my own life
I can't help you fix yourself
But at least I can say I tried
I'm sorry but I gotta move on with my own life!"

 

http://blackmamba.mindsay.com/lingering_pain_from_my_ex.mws

...with The Killers, or Brandon Flowers @ the least. i guess this was the good thing about bein out of the loop w/ music. when i was in middle school i was obsessed w/ it. i started listenin to Marilyn Manson, KoRn, Incubus, the Offspring, n whatever else was on the local rock station, Live105. when i was 12 i got Limp Bizkit's Significant Other for X-mas n i still to this day believe that Fred Durst saved my life. yeah, sounds fuckin rediculous, but i guess after spendin a few months on the brink of suicide (i know that sounds young, but i'm not kidding) u kinda get desperate for a reason to live n i found one in him. If u have/had the CD in the little book thing w/ the lyrics n such that all CDs come w/ @ the end he had this huge thing about how grateful he is towards his fans n how he's livin a dream n its all thanx to us n so on n so forth followed by some other inspirational things about life that i can't recall right now. it saved me because it made me feel like i had a purpose in life: to be a fan n make someone else's dreams come true. i really wish i could remember the inspirational stuff about life right now, cuz it all tied together n really i wouldn't be here today if it weren't for that. i remember that February, (i turned 13 then) was one of the most depressing months of my life n i would not have made it through if i hadn't read all that crap Fred Durst had posted on the last page of that little book.

 

that explains why i was so obsessed w/ them for so long n sadly i never got to see them live n the day Wes Borland left the band, (n a "friend" in hs gave me a copy of the little book from Three Dollar Bill, Y'all that he'd signed) was one of the most devistating ones of my life. his bday is the day after mine, too! n his new band sucked! n e way, i know this is all off topic from my original statement, but this is what helped throw me further into music. I remember when Staind's Break the Cycle came out, omg...to this day its one of my favorite albums. i could just relate to it so well, just like i could w/ so many other bands. for a long time i wanted to be a rockstar, not for sex or drugs, but because i wanted ppl to be inspired by my lyrics the way that i had been by the lyrics of others. when i first heard the song "Fade to Black" by Metallica i literally felt as if the words had been ripped straight from my soul. i can't think of n e other way to put it. i was actually moved to tears by it n i had to hide that i was sitting there @ the computer in one of our middle school classrooms reading the lyrics as i played the song, tears streaming down my face because someone understood how i felt. I was not alone, n this paradoxical feeling of joy in knowing that i'm not alone is one that i'd become aquianted w/ all too well in years to come. i mean, i've struggled for a long time w/ sayin that i was molested by my dad because all it was was a grope of the tits n/or stomach here, a smack on my ass n a comment as to how tight or wasn't there, but that was it. (i can't help but wonder if i'm repressin somethin, tho, cuz ever since i was between 8 n 10 i've been paranoid that my dad would come in my room n rape me in the middle of the night. where did that fear come from? i didn't even know what rape was until i was in 5th grade!) its somethin i've only really been able to come to terms w/ in the past couple of months, n i know it may seem odd that it took a little over 19 years for it to sink in to those of u who haven't experienced this kind of thing, but my ex had been raping me in some form or another for nearly two years by the time i finally came to terms w/ the fact that that was in fact happenin n it was in fact happenin to me. I have Anna to thank for that. She's the first person I ever talked to about it n told.

 

Back on subject...this sort of obsession w/ music n w/ bands gets expensive. CDs n T-shirts go buy, concerts to go to, etc. when i was younger the concerts weren't a problem n for a while CDs weren't either until i kept discovering more n more. Static-X n Cold are two examples of bands that i've loved every one of their songs i've heard, but i can't afford to get their CDs especially now. But I still have posters on my walls in Santa Clara n so on of a few of the bands i once or still love. (Limp Bizkit, Staind, KoRn = once, Sum 41 = still) My mom took me to concerts for a long time so she'd pay for my ticket, n i think if i was still livin in Santa Clara she still would cuz my mom likes the same type of music i do. (She took my younger bro Brian to Taste of Chaos[tour]) the thing is, now I live in small town Arcata in the middle of kinda no where n there aren't a lot of venues for bands to play in if n e. Some of u may remember that Flogging Molly were here @ HSU last year n they're supposed to come back this year, but no word on when. The last concert i went to was Porcupine Tree w/ J-Box last year n the last one before that was probably Projekt Revolution[tour]. i dun really remember. there was a point in my life where i used to go to a concert once a month n if i skipped a month i'd see another concert the next month. November of that year I saw No Doubt n U2 n two weeks later i saw Staind, Static-X, STP (again), n Linkin Park on Family Values. (i feel like i'm forgetting a band...i know we missed Deadsy altogether...) some of u may remember my list of all the bands that i've seen live. all the ones that i can remember total to 71, but i'm sure there are a couple i've forgotten from both of the Ozzfests i went to n the BFDs. i've always loved more things than i can get into right now about goin to concerts, so i guess i'll just stick w/ bein able to let the music set me free. even know i'll throw on a song to match my mood or one that's kinda upliftin or some techno if i'm feelin right n i'll get lost in the sound n let it carry me to what seems another reality.

 

The thing is, having had bfs n the drama they've brought me, *coughposttraumaticstressdisordercough*, comin to college n trying to put the past behind me while starting over, making new friends, gettin laid n keepin my GPA up, i've fallen very much out of the loop in terms of music n other forms of media as well. Livin in Arcata now doesn't help @ all. last year the majority of us here didn't know there was a hurricane in Louisiana until like a month after it happened. but havin a TV did help a little bit. I've always liked The Killers, their singles n e way. not enough to buy the album, altho once i got my iPod whenever "Mr. Brightside" would come on i'd just listen to it uncontrollably for a long time until i got tired of it n moved on...only each time i'd think of another Killers song n listen to that, too. I think the moment that sealed the deal for me, tho, was a little over a month ago. I remember it so clearly, to, almost the same way that for years i could quote word for word what Fred Durst said in the back of that little book. some of u may remember when i posted about this, that i couldn't stop listenin to this song. it was the day that he got together w/ his gf. two days after i last had sex w/ him. I'd seen the add for the new Killers album a couple times n thought that that was cool n that i hoped it was successful. I was eating or smoking weed or somethin when i'd seen it before, tho, so i wasn't really payin attention to the song that played in the background, which was their first single off this new album, "When You Were Young." On this night, however, something made me listen. The played the beginning of the song. I heard these lyrics:

 

"You sit there in your heartache
Waiting on some beautiful boy to
To save you from your old ways
You play forgiveness
Watch it now here he comes!

He doesn't look a thing like Jesus
But he talks like a gentleman
Like you imagined when you

Were young"

 

immediately i knew that i needed to look up this song. those lyrics were written TO ME! I CAN ALMOST SWEAR IT! that was me...sitting there, heart broken, waiting for my beautiful boy to take me to a rave, to let me into his world so i could share his positive energy n turn my life around. It sounded too much like me. TOO MUCH. i mean, ever since i was young i always imagined that somewhere out there was my night in shining armor ready to save me n take me away from all the dark n painful things this world had to offer for me. he never looked like a savior, but he always treated me nicely. just like i'd imagined when i was young. Daniel (until he started raping n manipulating me which only led to various other things), Nam, even Stuart for a while n now him...i swear those lyrics were written to me. i don't know why i decided to pay attention to that add just then but i did. i was watching [adult swim], which is where i had seen it before, n it was during Futurama i'm pretty sure. I looked up the lyrics to the whole song later n the rest of it didn't sound like someone describing myself or my actions to me, but i bought the song off of iTunes (the first song that i did) rather than trying to find it on Limewire n i just listened to it. the second verse started to make me think of how i feel towards him, or @ least the first part. the second part makes me think of me again, that hurricane that started turnin when i was young...n as i posted on here, i couldn't stop listenin to it. i just couldn't. then i got tired of The Killers for a little bit, n then sure enough- "Mr. Brightside" came up on my iPod again n i can't stop listenin to them now. I just can't. it probably doesn't help that i saw him on the way home from campus once n i was listenin to them (that song, too XD) n i told him i love them, but i usually get tired of them n move on n then come back when one of their songs comes up on my iPod. well, i moved on to some techno, mostly Cascada for like a day, then i suffered more heartbreak from that boy's hands n now i'm back. n i can't stop listenin to them again. i just can't.

 

so naturally i've become curious about the band, not to mention that ever since I saw the video for "Mr. Brightside" i've thought the singer, Brandon Flowers, is super hot. (i realized this weekend that perhaps one reason why i find J's new haircut so sexy is cuz its A LOT like Brandon Flowers' haircut in all of their videos [except "Somebody Told Me"] ESPECIALLY "Mr. Brightside" n they also have very similar eyes in terms of the shape n size) So i find all these interviews w/ them on youtube n pretty much everythin he says i agree w/ - the whole thing w/ Green Day filmin that DVD in England instead of here, everythin he said about Britany Spears, all of it. n i'm finding myself starting to slip back into that band obsession. yesterday i started feeling bad that i asked Ryan to burn a copy of their new album Sam's Town for me rather than me buyin it myself. i really can't afford it, but i wanna buy that n Hot Fuss (n i got those songs last year off of myTunes) the next chance i get because paying money is how u support a band that u love. i haven't felt the way about a band that i'm starting to feel about The Killers in a long time, n its weird cuz i'm not even sure how many of their songs i can relate to. deffinately "Mr. Brightside" n i think i wanna get some of the lyrics from "All These Things That I've Done" tattooed on me if i ever stop bein a pussy. but i'm startin to feel like i should express my love for The Killers n i know that n e one out there that has ever been a rabid/obsessed fan over n e thing can relate to this n knows what i'm talking about. I just think they're kind of a weird band to obsess over, especially for someone like me who loves all kinds of rock, but i guess i also love how different n even semi-retro they are!

 

with that said its time for bed. i have that anthropology midterm tomorrow that i didn't study for n even turned down drinkin w/ emo jimmy @ josh n gabby's tonight so i won't be hung over tomorrow when i have to take it. i wanna try to get up early tomorrow, but its now much later than i wanted it to be when i got to bed so we'll see. :/ n yes, i did use the "r" word quite a bit. another sign of progress, altho it still freaks me out to see it on other ppl's blogs n hear it especially if i'm not expecting it. baby steps. thnx for readin u guys. good night/mornin

I also posted a new poem on selfncreativity but its about a different guy mostly than this song is for me.

 

"The minute you walked through my door
I knew this love is forever more
But then you told me all these lies
See the tears filling up my eyes

All I want

Is a little piece of heaven
All I need

A little piece of heaven

(Piece of heaven)

All I want

Is a little piece of heaven
All I need

A little piece of heaven

Naaaa, na na na na na na, na na na
Naaaa, na na na na na, naaaa naaaa naaaa

Piece of heaven

You taught me right from wrong
And told me always to be strong
But now I'm better off alone
Searching for a better home

All I want

Is a little piece of heaven
All I need

A little piece of heaven

Naaaa, na na na na na na, na na na
Naaaa, na na na na na, naaaa naaaa naaaa

Piece of heaven

(heaven heaven heaven heaven...)

Piece of heaven

(heaven heaven heaven heaven...)

Piece of heaven

(heaven heaven heaven heaven...)"

 

Cascada- "Piece of Heaven"

I don't write songs often anymore, but yesterday some things came to me, I wrote them down, and then I finished it today. Everything in it is based off of real memories and things that actually happened, some of which I wrote about while they were happening and some I've written about sometime this week or even yesterday on blackmamba. I'm going to send this to him as well as the other entries I wrote yesterday. Please tell me what you all think. I know no one does anymore, but please. Thank you.

 

"What do you feel when you hear 'I Miss You' by Blink 182?

Do you reminisce and miss our good times like I do?

Have you seen the 'Geeks in Love' flash on Newgrounds.com?

Does it remind you why you once thought I was the one?

Do you see the eucalyptus forest in UCSD and think of me?

And do you still save the snails that roam a little too carefree?

 

Remember those warm April nights in the backseat of the Egg?

Remember caressing the cut that I scratched into my leg?

Remember the tremors you got every time you had to leave me?

Remember how we wanted the fates to just let us be?

Remember after the second time we saw Kill Bill Vol. 2?

Remember how happy you were when I said I wanted to be with you?

 

You're an asshole cuz you're better off without me

You're happy and it makes you a fucking jerk

You're a cunt cuz you don't need me like I do you

You're a bastard cuz god damn it I miss you!

 

Remember how incredible our summer was?

Remember how it was like heaven up above?

Remember all the awesome Vietnamese food you shared with me?

Remember how much I loved those avocado smoothies?

Remember in La Jolla, the two times I visited you?

Remember Sea World, the beach, and the Steinhart Aquarium, too?

 

You're an asshole cuz you're better off without me

You're happy and it makes you a fucking jerk

You're a cunt cuz you don't need me like I do you

You're a bastard cuz god damn it I miss you!

 

Remember all those lies that you started to bring?

Remember going to UC Irvine without saying a god damn thing?

Remember when our love lost its four leaf clover?

Remember how you betrayed my trust over and over?

Remember how much worse it's gotten since you dumped me?

Thank you for throwing me away like our used condoms!

 

You're an asshole for making me fall in love with you

You broke my heart and it makes you a fucking jerk

You're a cunt cuz you dumped me over my being crazy

You're a bastard cuz you added to my PTSD!

 

You added to my PTSD!

 

You're a fucking asshole for making me love you

Then you started to turn into him you god damn fucking jerk!

You're a cunt for giving me these good damn memories

You're a bastard cuz god damn it I miss you!

 

God damn it I miss you!

 

God damn it Nam, I miss you."

 

-"Damn it I Miss You" by me, Jennifer A. Ruiz