Reflections @ MindSay 
reflection
It’s not all the time that I want company, or listen to the noise of endless banter, or watch the chaotic human parade of other people’s lives. It’s vexing to the mind, is wearying to the heart, and tires the soul down. It leads to confusion and troubling vibrations in the air turning my world upside down. It’s startling how all these can touch your own sphere of life and leave you so drained by it all. Sometimes … I simply want to be alone. To be there in the my own moment just being - To feel the soft breeze on my face – To feel the warmth of the sun on my skin – To hear birds chirping on the trees – To feel the waters under my feet walking by the seashore – To touch the petal of a flower – To watch the sun go down on the horizon – To let the rain touch my skin – To write my dreams on clouds of flight – To be still - To hear my heartbeat.
Sometimes I simply want to be that little child on God’s lap – to tell him about how Peter and Jane have hurt me – to ask him to make Billy the Bully a good boy so that he won’t bother me again when I walk by his house – to tell my mom and dad to please know why I cry when they leave for the office – to tell him how bad I feel because Santa Claus didn’t give me a Barbie Doll for Christmas – to ask him to make grandpa well again so that we could play – to thank him for letting Mom cook my favorite spaghetti with huge meatballs every Saturday YUMMY!
Sometimes I simply want to be with my thoughts – thinking of the past and the things it has left me with – thinking of the present and how it’s forming my tomorrows – wondering what my tomorrows will be like or when I will be finally gone.
Sometimes I simply want to be – seeing my flaws, mistakes, imperfections – seeing how fragile and vulnerable I truly am – looking at my limitations, my borders, my walls – and yet understanding that I too have my own strengths, potential, and the power to dream. That everything there, good or bad, has shaped who I am. That all that I was, is, and will be is the story of my life.
Sometimes I simply want to be here – with nothing – doing nothing – yet loving everything.
"Inside myself is a place where I live all alone and that’s where
you renew your springs that never dry up.” -Pearl Buck (1892 – 1973)
So that was 2007, nearly.
(1) I spent about 6 months in the USA this year. At the beginning of the year, I had no idea that would happen.
(2) I went to Dubai and to Africa (again).
(3) My father had a heart attack. He's ok, but his belief in his immortality has been shaken.
(4) I've spent enough time in the USA. But I wouldn't mind an assignment to the UK.
(5) I dated several gorgeous guys, all but one of whom was gay. Give me gay guys every time. They are so much fun to be with.
(6) I am no closer to moving back to Melbourne.
(7) I started the year not being in a relationship. I end the year not being in a relationship. *le sigh*
No, New Years isn't the proper day for reflections. At least not for me.
Since it is my Anniversary of my Would-Be-Death-Day (Happy Valentines Day, by the way,) I felt compelled to at least write something. Especially considering I've been absent for so long.
My lady "Love" has flown from view. But part of me isn't very surprised, that's just how things work out.
Yet, at the same time, I'm shown how really important things are to me. Places, people, everything. How important living is to me. It's kind of interesting, really. Of all the days the feel alive, it's this one. I see my life, and how open the road is. It's.. interesting. I've been taking things way too seriously. I've been trying to find meaning in things that have none. And it just doesn't matter. Especially allowing that fact to even cross my mind. I feel like a damn scientist at times. Trying to figuring how things work, and the mechanics behind everything -- the purpose.
It's only really dawned on me now that things don't need purpose to go on. Things continue to flow, and we need to look past all the bullshit and see life as just something. There to be whatever we make up it.
It's been so long since I've picked myself back up. For the longest time I thought I was dreaming. For the longest time I thought this world was such a wretched place. I mean, I still partially get away, but in different terms.
Regardless, my state of mind is improving. Fuck these counsellors and psychologists and medications. I forge my own path by leaning on myself. No longer crying for help and trying so desperately to seek people to lean on. I'm done. Finished. I almost feel as if I have died, like I'm a totally different person.
Maybe this is just the path I'm supposed to take. I suppose I shouldn't let anything try to shove me off of it. This is the way to be.
This is my life.
Hello! Well not so good week on the weight end. I gained five pounds this week. something I do not want to do, esp. in the New Year, but I must remind myself I am abstinent and relieved of compulsive overeating. Easy does it!
I work at a movie theatre. My 1st step in making it in Hollywood film production. I am hoepful and optimistic my next job will be writer on the sale of my 1st screenplay, "Out of Mexico." which deals with my past life experience wanting to compose music.
I'm trying to search my convictions to understand, come to my premise and theme. Also, I want to work as a Music Composer and Songwriter, Guitarist and Voice Actor.
Need tp build up time on my guitar toward mastery. And have started reading M. Chekov on Acting. Boy! The exercises are hard for me to do but I must affirm I am psychologically and physically healthy and on the road to recovery!
Bought about $100 dollars on magazines Saturday 2/2 for an Artist recovery project. It felt good to do that.
One magazine I picked up was Spirituality and Health. Really good. I liked the whole issue and wrote out my goals on an article called "Zenvesting." Good!
My goal for my BLOG is just write and get good at writing and feel I am a good writer and can acieve it, writing professionally.
I will start Yoga at the YMCA Thursday Feb. 7th.
I went back t my church Sunday 2/3. Good! Coming to God I felt I have to feel bad about my sin but I feel God means me joy!
Until next time, Born
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