Reflecting @ MindSay

BEFORE I BEGIN. Today is TWLOHA Day<3

And I'm sorry if I lose you on this.

So I went to Rosie's on Wednesday night for Nicole's 21st like I said I would.

I had a good time, though I wasn't there for very long.

I saw a few people who I haven't spoken to in years. People that I realized I miss. People that I wish I would've gotten closer to.

I feel like I have this bad habit of always chasing/keeping the wrong people. Like I let all these other people walk out of my life, without a second thought, but they should be there. I want them here. (I mean people who have just drifted, not people who have hurt me/are out of my life for a good, definite reason.) And when these people come back into my life, they're just always so nice to me. :] It's always so weird to me to hear "I miss you so much!!!" I dunnooooo. lol

It's no secret to anyone here anywhere that my both my senior year of high school and the year following it I immersed myself into a hectic schedule . . . on purpose. I was constantly busy on purpose. It gave me an excuse to not have to hang out with anyone, to not have to see anyone, to not be relied on . . . yes, it definitely backfired on me a bit but whatever. It left me with a useless college degree that I never wanted; it left me with only a handful of friends/people who still attempted to talk to me; it left me in a job where the place would collapse without me.

When I finally realized what I was doing was ridiculous and decided to stop taking obscene amounts of credits and just graduate with my Associate's, I tried to start working people back into my life. It is working. I am doing really well at it, I think. I know I'll never get everyone back but I don't need everyone back. I mean, I have Nicole and Jenny back in my life and just those two girls alone make me feel like I have accomplished something. I love them so much<3

There are a few people that have stuck with me throughout my "no, sorry, I can't hang out; I'm much too busy" times. A few people decided to stay in my life and just wait for me to be free. Do not misunderstand me . . . I'm glad these people have stayed. But they still can't make up for everyone else I pushed away. :[

And I still have some of those "wrong people" in my life. I just attract them, I guess. As long as I don't let them bring me down, I think it's okay that they're there. Doesn't mean I can't have fun with them every once in a while!!

Semi-related . . . from my freshman to junior year in high school, one girl in particular was just a constant annoyance to me. We were friends, but she just tried too hard with me and I was just not good to her. I want to make it clear that I think we BOTH were not good for each other, because what I'm about to say is going to make it seem like it's solely my fault. It's not, I swear. We're both to blame. But she let me know that I had power over her. She fucked up bad with that, because I definitely abused my power over her. I generally try and always have tried to be a good and nice person but I was definitely an absolute bitch to her. She didn't deserve it but I didn't deserve some of her nagging crap either. Like I said, we weren't good for each other. I know she cried because of me and over me plenty of times and for that NOW I do feel bad about, but there's nothing I can do now.

She apologized to me recently about how she acted toward me in high school. Well she apologized to me without actually outright saying she was apologizing. I did the same right back to her. But we are not trying to rekindle a friendship. We definitely would have nothing in common now except our memories of each other.

But what this is leading up to . . . I noticed on a blog of hers she was listing some facts about herself, and one of them said something like "I listened to dark music in high school to help me understand the wrong people." I know she was talking about me. (one of the things that annoyed me so much was how she HAD TO FUCKING KNOW what I was listening to all the damn time, and if I approved of whatever SHE was listening to). I know I wasn't really good to her or whatever but it's so weird knowing that someone who basically worshiped the ground you walked on for three years now considers you to be "the wrong people." I mean, I take full responsibility for my actions in my past and I like that I read this, because it keeps my head straight and keeps me away from what I have the (bad) potential to be . . . but part of me really just wants to let her know that I'm NOT "the wrong people" anymore. I wasn't downright evil then (well . . .maybe to her, in some cases) but I am really a good person now. I really am. I try really hard to always be good. Sometimes I mess up but I'm not flawless, you know? I want her to know that I'm basically who I always wanted to be now (on my good days, pun not intended!), and it's good. I AM NOT A BAD PERSON, OKAY, I'M REALLY NOT. I wasn't even that bad back then . . . just to you, maybe. Sorry. =/

It just sucks that this is how someone remembers me, you know? As someone that wasn't good for her. I really wasn't, and she has every right to think that. Thankfully, I'm pretty sure she is the only person who has the right to remember me like that, and as far as I know, she is the only one who does remember me like that. (okay, well. . .maybe one other person has this right too, but just one.) It's just that she always put me on this high pedestal and I always wanted to come crashing down in front of her.

And then I think about people who I remember as "bad" for me . . .because they truly were bad for me. But does this make them bad people? No, not for the most part. And I hope they're absolutely perfect for others. :]

So last night I was reflecting on my life, like I usually do. I kept thinking about the times when my former best friends and I hung out and I couldn't help but cry because I know it'll never be the same way again and it's gone. Sure I'll make new memories with new friends but the fact is that us three will never hang out again, things changed completely. I'm not even friends with one of them. And I kept telling myself "It's nothing, it's nothing, get over it!" but I can't help but miss what we had. Things were so great. I couldnt stop crying.

So I decided to write some things down. Even then I felt lame about it, but I felt it was something I should do anyways. So many times I think I'm okay and I feel fine, but then I come around and realise I was really just fooling myself. I act a lot. Like, almost all the time. I guess I'm afraid to show my feelings... which I think sounds stupid, but it might actually be true. I never thought I had a problem with it, but I may have just been thinking about my acting. If I know how I'm supposed to feel and if it's all just pretend, I can act easily. But if it's my own feelings, I'm lost.

Ever since I began writing poetry, that was my way of expressing myself. But I havn't been writing much lately. I just think whatever I write sounds cliche and I hate when things are unorginal. I've realized almost all of my poems are about love, which again I think is stupid. I hate love poems. It may sound immature, but it's true. As I said, I hate things that are unoriginal and most love poems I come across are all the same. I like to think mine are different, but I doubt it. It discourages me to write, even though I don't write for other people nor for it to sound good, I just hate when it sounds like everything else I've read. I don't even really want to share it 'cause it uses crappy metaphors and stuff, but I'll post it anyways.

So here's what I wrote last night (from my diary)...beware for bad comparisons, confusing phrase construction and general emotionalness...I wasn't exactly thinking but come on, give me a chance? >< or not. your choice.

" So my life's been a bit shattering lately. Little bits keep breaking and falling away from the big picture and sometimes it gets replaced but it doesn't feel right 'cause it's all so unfamiliar. Change is a familiar thing 'cause it happens all the time, and we're constantly forced to adapt, but then you're picked up and plucked out of everything you're used to, and adapting is common but that doesn't make it easy. Little changes can be hard to adapt with as it is. I love change, I really do. I may have a negative outlook on it, or fear it to the point of tears, imagining what mu life would be like if certain changes occured, but most change in my life, although extremely negative and difficult to bear at times, and almost making me give up completely and stop caring about everything, has made room for better things to happen later. but right now the picture keeps breaking and it's like I'm trying all the wrong pieces and right now I'm thinking about how lame and cliche this sounds. So I compare it to every thing else in my life that may have begun with great potential but  I ruined it and I'm alone and lost again. I try not to be so pessimistic, and not blame myself, but who else's fault would it be? I control my actions and decisions. I love fear but this just hurts. It's terrifying but I feel so empty. Maybe it's just terrifying because I feel so empty.  24h32 "

Sitting here listening to Manowar and reflecting on the past fortnight. It has been a rough 2 weeks that's for sure... I havn't been the easiest person to talk to I would imagine since I came back from California. I suppose one could almost say I've been unaproachable on certain days. And on reflection I could agree with anyone that would say that.

I have been metaphorically biting my nails the past few days over a rocky patch in my life that turned out to be more... winding then rocky. Relationships and relationships, sometimes they are more trouble then they are worth, the one I am in however I've never considered it trouble at all, though past ones which occasionally I still think about have been hell. Which I think in a way it colors of expectations at times, not to say I go around beleiving everything will come crashing down like the proverbial gates of hell, but more so the fact that I get worried about the future. It is a long hard road before I get to be where I want with the person I want. And the road ahead much like sand dunes in a desert is shrouded in mirages, I think water! and there is nothing but sand if you get my drift.

Work... Now that really has been said proverbial gates of hell, so many times they came crashing down and trying with every effort to keep my demons at bay instead of running amok amongst my mind. And so I don't know if the way I've been treated at work occasionally is a 'lesson' or barrier against myself. Perhaps putting forth the question here will give me the answer, not to say that I expect anyone to reply, because I understand to have friends you have to be friendly which I am sorry to say I am not amongst mindsay community. Perhaps because I've had too many bad experiences with people or perhaps because the times I write entries I don't have much time to continue to search other peoples entries.

In any case!

If you would read up as I spoke of my rough patch in my relationship, it had spilled over the dam walls into work and a look of utter rage creased my features. And things were said by others that in my state of mind I could not... shake off. I had a confrontation several weeks ago over the very things that were brought up, things that I almost resigned over. Yet they were brought up again, admittedly by someone who wasn't aware of the confrontation... In any case, on with the story...

Tommorow is a half day, we start at 9am and work until 12pm because it is the last day before Christmas and freight companies pick up early. Everyone except myself was asked to go down and have drinks after work... Normally I would be asked first. Now I... sort of knew it was happening, and so I asked someone about it and my boss overheard and basically said "Oh yeah drinks tommorow after work"... Am I taking it out of context that perhaps I was purposely not asked?

And so I asked my boss "Any special reason why I wasn't asked?" and he said "Because your not talking to anyone" Which is crap, I told him "I was around the otherside talking for half an hour" and you could see him pause before he ammended his comment "I didn't see you so couldn't tell you"... Interesting no?

So my question is am I over reacting?

Normally I wouldn't get worked up over alcohol... I am however worried about the gossip that will ensue if I do not go and beleive me there will be ALOT of it if anyone brings me up and I'm not there... I however do not want those that know whats going on in my life to spill the beans about my life under the influence of alcohol and so everyone will know...

Should I just bite the bullet and go?

I keep asking myself that question... I think perhaps the answer to both questions is yes. Though I would appreciate anyone elses input. Oh! I forgot to mention it isn't a simple matter of going or not going for myself, where I live I would have to catch a train then a tram to work taking 4 times as long as driving... Would have to do that to and from work... So should I waste the effort? Or should I just put my balls on the line and go.

Onto other things! It is my Fiancee's birthday this Saturday, I had promised her a website for so long and never got around to doing it... I had hoped to finish it for her Birthday but I think I will be pushing it... I sincerely hope I can finish it...

I have been pushing myself so hard since I came back from California that I feel I have finally reached my limit in stress and hit the wall with enough force to shatter everyone bone in my body. I must learn control though control is one thing I do not manage to have. A problem I am sure of it is that I care to much about others when I shouldn't as they care no where near as much for me. I cannot help it, it seems to be a part of me which if I was feeling Astrological minded would say has alot to do with being a Gemini... One part says "Fuck them all!" the other part says "We love you all!" so they work at cross purposes so often.

I resent myself for caring about other people's feelings especially when it is not returned...

Bring down the gates, the demons are breaking loose.

Wyvern

Will You Live To 83,
Will You Ever Welcome Me,
Will You Show Me Something That Nobody Else Has Seen?

Mature: adjective,
1. fully grown or developed
verb,
1. to (cause to) become mature.

No prizes for guessing what this entrys about.

Has something so insignifcant ever been so very significant? Have you ever noticed the way things change? Or the lack of noticing these things..

Anyway, I went to a party last night. Kris' and it was fun, it was a laugh I saw some college friends and met some new people too. There is nothing significant about this. It was a house party, there were about six of us. Nothing profound here.

And yet there was.

The last time I was at a house party I made a complete fool of myself. I look back on this with shame. Last year I went to an eighteenth birthday party and I can't look at the girl (whose party it was) in face, because although it was nearly twelve months ago  the shame is still strong. I was an idiot  at the time.  You see, I was a stupid fifteen year old, who thought that she was being clever. It failed drastically. It took me three episodes to teach me a lesson. And I very ashamed of myself. You wouldn't believe how much.

Last night I came home, in the right frame of mind and it felt so good.  Im not a silly fifteen year old anymore, thankfully. I can hold my head up high.

Everyone was staying at Kris' last night, but I came home at 11:30. Why should I lie to my parents? They've done so much for me, I'm not going to tell them I'm staying at a girls house so I can get drunk and do something I regret.  Besides, I'm a paranoid person, so I wouldn't have been able to relax and enjoy myself.

It felt good being able to stay incontrol of the situation.  It felt almost grown up. Life teaches you some valuble lessons, it took me three mistakes to realise where I was going wrong. But its sorted.

And I'm still learning from life, I expect I'll probably be doing this until I die.

But isn't that the point?

I Wear My Own Crown And Sadness And Sorrow,
And Who'd Have Thought Tommorrow Could Be So Strange?
My Loss, And Here We Go Again.

Pause and REFLECT ? 

Taxes, work, chores, clutter....... 

 

A few photos that remind me to look up from the focus of daily life... ENJOY.

 

   

   

 

 

  LOOK OUT...

  LOOK UP!

  LOOK BEYOND

 

Reflective moments on Lake Powell- Oct 2005