Recap @ MindSay

well..eventhough i just started this blog up tonight, im just gonna dive right in, cuz thats how i roll

and oh yes..it will be VERY long..

 

its been a very interesting couple of months...hell its been an interesting year...shall we recap from this time last year? oh yes..this will be an adventure...

 

we start off with me still being in what i believe was the worst mistake of a relationship that i have ever been in. we dated for a total of 7 months. he cheated on me numerous times. he beat me. he would call me a whore, slut, bitch, etc. thru all of that i stayed with him....all until i met the concrete floor at the bottom of his basement steps, while i was carrying his child. needless to say that ended in me losing the child, but i consider this a good thing, for the simple fact that i want nothing to do with that horrid man and i most certainly dont want to carry his genes or let his gene pool live on. being in that relationship complete crushed me. it was so difficult to get over him, eventhough i dumped him..it was such a mind fuck in every sense of the phrase. i decided that it was time to just get away, so i went down to visit my best friend, christine, who was at the time in schaumburg illinois. i spent almost the entire summer down there, meeting a lot of new, amazing people who have become like family to me. i even met a guy, who i thought was wonderful at the time. i decided to not let my previous relationship get in the way of my feelings for this individual. i threw caution to the wind and became very close with him...that is until one day he called me telling me he was back with his ex..thats right..the girl who had cheated on him 5 times in 1 year... thats when i decided to break the news to him that because he had been an idiot and gotten shitty protection, i was carrying his parasite (aka baby). he then proceeded to call me a whore and a slut, etc. and said that he wanted a paternity test, blah blah blah..that however resolved itself and i havent really talked to him since, but it was still very difficult for me. in that time when i was still preggers and dealing with this guy's shit, i rushed into a relationship with someone i had been friends with for over a year and had met thru a friend. he is a great guy, but he had this ability to "go from zero to hulk in .25 seconds" as samm would say. he would just get angry so quickly, and while i knew that he would never hit me, it frightened me because i started to see my ex in him, but i tried to give him a chance.

 

nearing the end of the summer i got an upper respiratory infection, a virus, and a sinus infection. my lymph nodes were so swollen that my jaw looked square..and it is nowhere near square..i had like 3 chins, it was horrible. i was finally forced to go to the hospital when i laid down to take a nap and i had to call christine into the room to turn the fan off because the air blowing on me was actually HURTING me. see..this weird thing happens when i get very sick. my immune system is pretty much useless. for instance, if a normal immune system is like the greenbay packers (i dont like them really, but its just a metaphor, so stay with me here ppl), then my immune system is like the british silly ninnies...pointless. it goes all haywire and starts attacking my organs and causes exruciating pain. i was put on really strong antibiotics and vicodin. also, while they were running a cat-scan to see if there was an underlying problem, the doctor found that there is an absess in my left lung. they couldnt say if it was cancerous or not...lets hope its not..i still have to follow up with my dr about that..but anyway. through all of this i realized that i just needed to take some "me" time. so i called it off with my then bf and decided to start focusing on the school year ahead.

 

i started the school year with hope that i would do just as well as i had done second semester last year and prayed that i wouldnt bomb like i had done my first semester the previous year. things started out well, until my bipolar decided to go into overdrive. i was experiencing major highs and lows multiple times in ONE DAY and this would happen for weeks on end. i wasnt sleeping, i was barely eating. there were some days where i just couldnt drag myself out of bed, and others where i was so wired in the morning i couldnt sit in class for even an hour. i was also having health problems. my roommate was nice enough to give me her cold or virus or whatever it was..and all i can say is..i felt like i was gonna die for a period of about 10 days. then it was holiday season...first was halloween. this halloween was the best halloween i have ever had, it was also the first halloween that i ever carved pumpkins! thats right, im 20 and i just now carved my first pumpkin...explination..i had no childhood..weve gone over this. but the best part was christines halloween party. i had been introduced to her friend adam in late june at summerfest and we had all hung out before when he came down for our bday party, and i had thought that he was attractive, but seeing as i wasnt really looking for a boyfriend, i had put out some signals that i liked him, but i thought it wouldnt be a big deal if he didnt notice (which he didnt...at all). at the halloween party i decided to really let him know that i liked him. by the time he got there i was pretty much wasted. so being the sexy cop i handcuffed myself to him, for the rest of the night. there were of course drunken makeout sessions, but neither of us really took it seriously considering the alcohol intake. the following weekend he came down to illinois for RHPS with christine, tasha, karl, rob, and i. he and i had talked online before then, but that was the moment when we decided to start seeing each other.

 

i was very pleased with how my "love" life was going, however, my school work was suffering, i was battling illnesses every other week and my mental state was continuing to deteriorate. i have always been the perfectionist. i was determined to do well in school. all i ever wanted to do was make my parents proud of me. i was told many times as i was growing up that i was my parents "last hope" to prove to them that they werent horrible parents, and i just wanted to make them happy, so i continued to push myself, eventhough all i wantd to do was scream and pull all my hair out, then sit in my closet and cry until passing out. i tried to keep myself together, and to the outside world i was fine. i smiled and usually went to class. i would "gush" about the amazing man that i was falling for, but i was still very much afraid of the idea of letting myself get close to someone again. i had been hurt so much in the past, and while i didnt think that he would ever do anything that heinous to me, i just couldnt take my guard down until i trusted him more, and to gain my trust is one of the most difficult things in the world, just for the simple fact that i have been betrayed by almost every single person i have ever trusted.

 

then the shit hit the fan. i recieved a call at 12:19am on december 27th, i remember the time exactly because it was a call from someone that i dont hear from too often. he had called to tell me that one of my friends had gotten into an altercation with his parents and had shot himself. at that moment my outer shell that i had worked so hard to build up so that no one would worry too much about me melted. everything seemed to just keep piling up. this is the story of my life, when shit goes bad..it goes REALLY bad. adam was sooo supportive the entire time. i know that i asked too much of him, and i know that he wanted to be there for me whenever i needed him, but he was dealing with a lot of his own stuff like getting the end of the year assignments in, graduating, moving, and starting to get ready to find a job. looking back on it now, it was unreasonable of me to ask such things of him, but he was one of the very few people i knew cared.

 

after it finally set in that david was gone and i started to recover from the shock i started to try to save my grades. i was so stressed out that i just ignored the fact that i was late and chocked it up to being stressed out, because that tends to happen when massive amounts of stress get piled on. however, when i started throwing up, i knew there was a problem. i was trying to figure out how to tell adam when i started having contractions. i figured that it was just going to take care of itself. so i told adam, who reacted much better than i thought he would, but i know that he was just being strong for me (yeah..i do agree with him that he have now pinpointed the reason for his hairloss). the contractions stopped fairly quickly which seemed suspicious since i had had what is referred to a "threatened miscarriage" before. which is basically when the "parasite" (as i like to call it) basically says, "if you dont behave and stop stressin the hell out imma leave..but not yet...right now im just pissed so im going to cause you a lot of pain and make you think im leavin..but ill still be here". a couple days later my nausea started getting worse so i decided to take another pregnancy test. the result was what i basicaly expected but DID NOT want to see. i wanted to see that magical 3 letter word in front of the word "pregnant", but my prayers werent answered. so i got the pleasure of telling adam that the problem hadnt resolved itself and now im more nauseas than ever. it had gotten to the point where i couldnt even keep water down, not fun. eventually the parasite did leave. adam was extremely supportive throughout the entire ordeal, eventhough i know he was scared shitless he still held it together just for me...that is real strength, i dont care what anyone else says.

 

because he has proven himself so many times to me throughout our short relationship, i trust him, and i feel comfortable with him, but most importantly, i feel safe with him. i have never once felt safe with a boyfriend, i felt scared, hurt, and in danger, but never safe. whenever im with him it seems like nothing can hurt me. he is amazing. there is just really no words to describe how i feel about him other than to say that he is amazing. i was afraid for a long time about saying the "L" word (and i dont mean lesbian), because in past relationships as soon as that word was said is when their true selves came out, and i ended up getting hurt, mentally, physically, and emotionally. while i didnt think that he would ever hurt me, it was still just a lingering worry in my mind. i told him that i wanted to say it, but was scared. i told him that i would say it after he said it. so on january 13th 2007 he held my head in his hands, looked me straight in the eye, and simply said, "mishal, i love you". it was one of those moments that every girl dreams its going to be like. i was half expecting to hear that mushy gushy music in teh background like they play in the movies..then i realized..i need to say it back. i dug deep down into my heart, i didnt want to say it if i wasnt completely sure that i meant it. it took all of my courage to wisper in a cracked voice, "i love you too". i hugged him sooo tightly and i just started crying. not because i was afraid, because eventhough i was scared i was just so happy to be able to say it, and i was even more happy that he was able to say it to me.

 

hes the man that i have been searching my whole life for, the man that my mother always told me i deserved. the man that i had dreamed of but never expected to actually find. he is truely my dork in aluminum foil. and while i am scared shitless to move away from everything i have known, i am willing to follow him to the ends of the earth for one reason and one reason only. i love him. and i dont care if my family thinks its a bad idea, and i dont care if my friends think its a bad idea..hell..deep down im not sure its a good idea. all i know is that for the first time in my life, i feel...whole.

 

i know that was long..but didnt it have a nice ending??

so its been a while..

 

 Lets recap of my summer././

 

I babysat like every weekend.

Downloaded some pretty good music.

Only wrote like three poems and honestly i can't remember them right now.

Went to weight lifting with my friend John. Ya i missed a lot and only ended up going like three weeks.

I started yoga yesterday. I think its pretty fun. My sisters make fun of me though.

I started running yesterday to get a little ready for volleyball..i didn't run today though.

Finished the new Harry Potter book in like 10 or 11 hours. Chris finished it in 9.

Strangely have been attracted to the Jonas Brothers Music.

Have a dentist appointment tomorrow i have to get my two front teeth filed from the result of chipping them.

Had Guitar and Bass Guitar Lessons at the beginning of the summer in like June.

 

And I Can't think of anything else..

 

And Hayley your display picture looks kinda like a demented elf or nymph or something along the lines of that..haha sorry but thats just what i think no need to listen to me.

 

 

So apparently I'm not able to blog when I'm not at work. Which leaves me with a bit of catching up and trying to remember when I don't document events at first given oppotunity. Also my memory is really bad or is it? I can't really remember. ;)

 

But this is my life as I recall it.

 

Whensday:

Got a ride from work to the trainstation which meant I was like 20 minuts earlier home from work yah!

Went to see The Da Vinci Code with my dad, his wife and my sister. Was good, haven't read the book so I was in suspense through out most of the movie.

Also after the movie about 22 o'clock we had a cup of coffe and then he droped me off at a buddy(PJ). Him, a second buddy(AF) and I had some beers went to a bar and had ALOT more beers before I was finally home around 4 o'clock in the night.

Thursday:

Was rudely awakened by my alarmclock around 8:45 with gonzo headach - had promised to help third buddy(SH) and his g/f move. Was back home around 16ish, took a bath and spend the rest of the day infront of the tub.

Friday:

I spend most of the day just nursing my bad back .. because of all the lifting and stuff from the day before. I was on a short visit at my grandparents with my sister, because they wanted me to seek out some information to them before they decided on what new computer to buy. For dinner my sis and I decided to order some pizza together (she lives just downstairs from me) after that I had buddies AF and PJ and his g/f come over for some serious drinking. Just to numb the pain in my back you know ;)

we all (not my sis) went on a bit of a pub crawl.

Saturday:

My kid brother woke me up around 12ish he spend the day before I went to SH's new house to watch a friendly soccergame between Denmark and Paraguaya. Pretty boring match, we went to a bar later and I got pretty wasted was home around 4 or 5 yet again.

Sunday:

I spend the day just relaxing.

 

So there you have it .. I'm obviously an alcoholic, please don't tell anyone.

 

Well I knew this night would come one day or another! I finally cracked! I just looked back at what ive done in the past last year and I fine myself wondering that this was the worst year of my life! But then I question that remark and say well I have had some good things happen this year to me! But then I look at what I have done with my life in this past year and I find that I have done nothing with my life except fucking it up more and more! You may ask that im being to hard on myself, but the truth is I feel nothing is going well for me! I started out pretty good this year! I was doing great in wrestling, but then there was school which was bringing me down! I was failing 2 classes and was looking at not being able to participate in the sectional or state wrestling tournament! After having many people scold me out and tell me that I was a role model for the community and that I was letting everyone else down, I had to bust my ass and pull off 2 d’s! And it was not easy especially with both classes being with Mrs. Frarck! Then the summer was pretty much good to me! I found out how strong my faith was and I was as happy as can be! I had a great girlfriend, my faith was the strongest that it could ever be, I was doing well with the family, and I went on many great trips with my family and friends! But as any good story there is always a bad side! I start college! The time away from the closest people to me was the most pain I have ever felt! But I didn’t let it affect me cuz I was still happy for who I was and what I was doing in my life! But then everything started to fall apart! In September I lost the person who I loved the most, which strolled right into a state of depression, which was not fun! Staying up all night thinking how I could of made things work and all the great memories! But the worst part is knowing that the last time we hung out may be the last time that I could ever feel that way again! And going through college with depression is not so great! Having to wake up at 6am to go to practice and then making it to classes later with only 1 or 2 hours of sleep! Times would only get harder where I started not going to class and I was missing some practices, it all went down hill from there! Then while at college I started to lose sight of my faith! I only went to church once every month, if that! I never read my bible anymore! I stopped doing my daily devotions! My life just started to go into shambles! College started to get really boring and the thought of transferring was a thought! And I started to have money problems, and this was only the beginning of that story! But there were a few people who I could trust still up at college, but there still had there bad sides! Then I had thoughts of suicide, which normally be the last resort for me! But I pulled myself through that! But I started to drink heavy every once in a while just to get away from all the shit in my life! But then the wrestling season started so I stopped doing that! But I had gained a few extra pounds which was not helping! And I felt way to out of shape for the season! And I hated myself for not being more dedicated to start with! So now it comes closer to the end of the semester and I find my world in a ton of shit! I am failing numerous classes and I am losing the interest in wrestling there anymore and purely just hating the college! So I decided to transfer to RCTC for the next semester! Thinking that I could start over with my grades and my money problems! But now comes Christmas break! I just find out that here is not so great either! First off no one thinks my transfer is a good idea, but they don’t know what ive been going through, its my life so I choose what the fuck I wanna do! But everyone thinks they have to choose for me! Which is such bullshit! But what else hurt was the first thought my mom had was that I was on drugs! And I guess a few other people thought the same thing! Which im not! But it was the closest people in my life that were telling me this and that just hurt! But since ive been home all ive got Is crap from everyone! I feel as if no one cares anymore! My parents have told me numerous times that I should find an apartment cuz they don’t want me home anymore! Plus I have no money so I cant move out! I don’t have a car and the rents wont by one for me which leaves me without a job and getting no money still! But I know I need one to get to school, because if I drop out I have to start paying my loans back, but yet again I still have no money to pay for it! So it seems as if my family has given up on me and I am starting to give up on myself to! I try to look past the bad things in my life. But there is no hiding from the fact that my life is ruined right now! I cant really find comfort in anyone else and I cant even turn towards God right now cuz I feel so blind with my faith! I feel as if in running down a road and all that is before me is a black hole and I keep running towards nothing! Then I start to compare that to my life and were I have screwed up! Will I do this when im older when I have a job and hopefully a family! But then I wonder if I will fail them to! Get a divorce, lose my kids, and just fall apart with my life! And I feel that it may happen if something doesn’t get any better with my life! I looking at that future and how my life is going right now it feels that if I died, I would have really not lived for anything! That I didn’t accomplish anything in life! But now I just sit here wondering what it would be like just to sit in silence and recap this year! And I feel nothing but emptiness and loneliness!

Well to think i wrote this like a week ago or more, but I thought id get better but i Havent I guess its my own fault...whatever!!

2005 was a big year at the Marshall Booth house.  I think it was the biggest for Mary Katherine (Katie) Booth.

 

January passed uneventful as we awaited the arrival of the newest Booth.

His due date came and went and then January had passed.

 

February 4, 2005 was the big day when at 2:49 PM, Kellen McKey Booth entered the world.  He weighed 8 pounds and 2 ounces.  With his arrival, Katie’s many prayers for a baby brother were answered.

 

I was able to stay home with Kellen for his first 6 months.  It was a wonderful yet sometimes trying time.  Kellen was not much for sleeping at first, but thankfully worked out his routine by August. 

 

Marshall was able to share many of Kellen early weeks due to a minor surgery that turned out to be a little more major keeping him home for 4 weeks in March.

 

April brought a small family trip to Austin were Katie and Kellen swam in the rooftop pool.  Later in the week, the kids had a sleepover with Becca and Papa and Marshall and I spent our first childfree night since Kellen’s birth.  Becca must have some magic sleeping potion since Kellen decided to sleep 8 hours that night.

 

April also brought another big event for Katie.  After too many bouts of strepthroat, we decided to have Katie’s tonsils and adenoids removed.  She was a real trooper.  Mommy promised lots of ice cream and Katie was very brave.  It turned out to be very traumatic for the entire family because Mommy and Daddy had not anticipated how much it would hurt or how the pain meds would make Katie sick.  Thankfully, the Katie had healed up nicely by May.

 

At the end of May, we took a trip to South Carolina to visit with many Booths, and some Brooks cousins.  We stayed at a wonderful house at the beach outside of Charleston courtesy of Papa (Bill Booth).  The weather was not always perfect, but we had fantastic company.  I am not sure how many people stayed in the house, but I know that the Booths- Bill and Becky the Bakers- Paige, David, and Neal and 3 generations of Brooks including Mary Blair, Gary, Rusty, Jill, Meredith, Katie were in the house full time.  Mary Ann and Bill and their son came up from Florida for a few days too.  The best part of the trip was hanging out with Bryan Brooks who has returned safely from Iraq and his family Michelle, Nathan, and Macy who live in Charleston.

 

June and July were uneventful around the Booth house.  We just watched in amazement as our children grew.

 

August was a very big month.  I went back to work.  Kellen adjusted beautifully.  Loving Mama Josie’s house just as his sister had before him.  Katie started kindergarten.  She loves her teacher Mrs. Torres and everything about her school, Elizabet Ney.  She has made some new friends.  Katie also celebrated her 5^th birthday on August 28.  We celebrated her birthday with a giant waterslide in the front yard and a Disney Princess cake.  A great time was had by all.

 

In October, Marshall and I celebrated our 8^th wedding anniversary.  Marshall surprised me with a night at the Hotel Icon in downtown Houston.  We stayed in a fantastic room, dined at a fantastic restaurant and listened to some great Jazz.  October also began a new journey for Marshall.  He decided to return to school.  He is devoting many hours each day to studying for a degree in project management.  We are all very proud of him.

 

November brought Marshall’s birthday and Thanksgiving.  We could not stop counting our blessings.  We are so thankful for our extended and immediate families.  We first celebrated Marshall’s birthday with a get together in Georgetown.  Marshall was able to see some old friends.  Then we had a very nice Thanksgiving with Becca and Papa.  On Friday, the kids stayed with their grandparents as Marshall and I drove to Dallas for a delicious meal and a very exciting hockey game.

 

December brought the busy Christmas season and the end of Marshall’s first two classes.  We worked hard to start the month.  Marshall’s hard work on his studies paid off as he ended his first semester on the Dean’s list.  Becca and Papa came to help us celebrate Christmas.  We introduced them to the McKey family slide show.  The big excitement for me is my Christmas present from Marshall.  I can now see 20/20 thanks to my Lasik surgery.  With an end to the hustle and bustle of Christmas preparation  Marshall and I have settled down to enjoy our children for a few days before we begin another year.