Reasons To Live @ MindSay 
/sigh
What else is there to say or do besides /sigh? I am so sick of life and everyone in it. I know this sounds weird to say, but I wish I didn't have a reason to live. I'm tied down to live for so many reasons and sometimes I wish I wasn't. Sometimes I wish I could just let go. Just fucking let it all go and let it all disappear behind me.
I'm bored with life. I used to say that and wanted to kill myself just to see what the hell was on the other side. It would've given me something to do instead of sit at home, bored.
I want to quit school and just have it all be done with and get my stupid GED. I know I only have 4 months left until I graduate, but I can't stand it. Every time I think about going to school, I just want to splatter my brains across the wall. I can't take it. I can't take all the people, all the noise, all the bullshit. It's too much for me to handle.
I just want all of my fucking problems to disappear before I end up disappearing.
I'm bored with life. I used to say that and wanted to kill myself just to see what the hell was on the other side. It would've given me something to do instead of sit at home, bored.
I want to quit school and just have it all be done with and get my stupid GED. I know I only have 4 months left until I graduate, but I can't stand it. Every time I think about going to school, I just want to splatter my brains across the wall. I can't take it. I can't take all the people, all the noise, all the bullshit. It's too much for me to handle.
I just want all of my fucking problems to disappear before I end up disappearing.
In The Last Week - Poem
the best thing to happen
in the last week I’ve lived through,
was to hear his laughter,
echo through the receiver.
the best words I heard
in the last week I’ve lived through,
were strong, passionate, and true.
he said them loud and clear: "I love you."
the best hour to occur
in the last week I’ve lived through,
was when he called me,
and I heard his beautiful voice.
the best thing to ever happen
in the last year I’ve lived through,
was to have him come into my life,
and give me another reason to live.
in the last week I’ve lived through,
was to hear his laughter,
echo through the receiver.
the best words I heard
in the last week I’ve lived through,
were strong, passionate, and true.
he said them loud and clear: "I love you."
the best hour to occur
in the last week I’ve lived through,
was when he called me,
and I heard his beautiful voice.
the best thing to ever happen
in the last year I’ve lived through,
was to have him come into my life,
and give me another reason to live.
Changes and my reasons not to commit suicide
There's so much changing in my life right now. First, I joined the FAN club. FAN is short for Food and Nutrition. My English teacher runs it. Also, the MS principal (The MS and HS in my city are joined together) said that it could count towards my independent gym credits. So that's one good thing. I was going to join the FAN club before because I'm very self-conscious. I let myself go after the second time I was molested.
Another change is my eating habits. I after moving to the countryside, my eating habits have changed greatly. I usually eat about one meal a day. I've also become a vegetarian but eating non-animal products is expensive, and difficult when you're the only vegetarian. I should be eating a bit more. But I don’t' eat very much healthy things right now either which does still need to be changed.
I'm trying hard to get myself out of procrastination at the moment. I've been writing more to. I've been making myself make my bed each morning now and to clean up when I'm finished with whatever I'm doing. I'm also trying to get myself motivated more so to go out and walk. But we live on hill (literally, it's quite big) and sometimes it's rather annoying having to go up it. But the dog needs to go for walks too so sometime this week I'm going to push myself to do that.
Another change is my schoolwork. This year I've tried as best I can to make sure I pass. It's my senior year; I want to graduate. I've also finally made my mind up to attend college in January next year. At first I wasn't going to. The very thought or mention of college made me extremely depressed. I haven't had very good school years so the thought of going to a school where there were going to be adults and more work wasn't helping.
After reading the book Please Stop Laughing at Me by Jodee Blanco, I've had a motivation boost. She's helped give me courage to do what I want to be done and to have confidence. I'm still lacking greatly on the confidence side, but at least I have more then none.
A few years back I did attempt suicide. Luckily, I ran out of pills. I didn't take enough to be hospitalized. But since, I thought about my reasons why I should be alive:
1) My mother
She's been through so much in her life. She was emotionally abused by just about everyone when she was younger and still is today, especially by her alcoholic boyfriend. I've become her best friend. I couldn't leave her.
2) Joshua
He's given me a friend and a companion. He's showing me that there aren't just inconsiderate people out there and that there is such thing as love. He showed me happiness. He's my everything.
3) Jodee Blanco
I promise one day I will meet her. And she should be coming to my school soon. I can't wait. She's helped me a great deal in such short a time. She's a reason for me to live because she showed me that no matter how bad my past was, I can always break through and be something in the future.
4) Life
There's also something interesting to happen. Why would I want to miss that?
Another change is my eating habits. I after moving to the countryside, my eating habits have changed greatly. I usually eat about one meal a day. I've also become a vegetarian but eating non-animal products is expensive, and difficult when you're the only vegetarian. I should be eating a bit more. But I don’t' eat very much healthy things right now either which does still need to be changed.
I'm trying hard to get myself out of procrastination at the moment. I've been writing more to. I've been making myself make my bed each morning now and to clean up when I'm finished with whatever I'm doing. I'm also trying to get myself motivated more so to go out and walk. But we live on hill (literally, it's quite big) and sometimes it's rather annoying having to go up it. But the dog needs to go for walks too so sometime this week I'm going to push myself to do that.
Another change is my schoolwork. This year I've tried as best I can to make sure I pass. It's my senior year; I want to graduate. I've also finally made my mind up to attend college in January next year. At first I wasn't going to. The very thought or mention of college made me extremely depressed. I haven't had very good school years so the thought of going to a school where there were going to be adults and more work wasn't helping.
After reading the book Please Stop Laughing at Me by Jodee Blanco, I've had a motivation boost. She's helped give me courage to do what I want to be done and to have confidence. I'm still lacking greatly on the confidence side, but at least I have more then none.
A few years back I did attempt suicide. Luckily, I ran out of pills. I didn't take enough to be hospitalized. But since, I thought about my reasons why I should be alive:
1) My mother
She's been through so much in her life. She was emotionally abused by just about everyone when she was younger and still is today, especially by her alcoholic boyfriend. I've become her best friend. I couldn't leave her.
2) Joshua
He's given me a friend and a companion. He's showing me that there aren't just inconsiderate people out there and that there is such thing as love. He showed me happiness. He's my everything.
3) Jodee Blanco
I promise one day I will meet her. And she should be coming to my school soon. I can't wait. She's helped me a great deal in such short a time. She's a reason for me to live because she showed me that no matter how bad my past was, I can always break through and be something in the future.
4) Life
There's also something interesting to happen. Why would I want to miss that?
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Re: and so i cut the strings... - no i had to stop my school for a few quarters due to everything...:( ...
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