Reason To Live @ MindSay 
We Smoke The Bones of Baby Dolls
My mind is drawing a blank. All I can think of are pictures. I'm thinking IN pictures. Pictures. Images. Thoughts. Reality. Mind.
I write things down to remember. I write things down so I won't forget. I write things down so I won't forget to remember. It's possible.
It's easier not to care. Sometimes I wish I was still depressed. It was easier. Reminds me of...
DEATH IS EASY DEATH IS EASY DEATH IS EASY DEATH IS EASY DEATH IS EASY DEATH IS EASY DEATH IS EASY DEATH IS EASY DEATH IS EASY DEATH IS EASY DEATH IS EASY DEATH IS EASY
"So. this is how it feels to die? But it's okay. Yeah, everything's okay."
I can't paint anything anymore. I can't draw anymore. I mean - it's there, I have the ability, but nothing comes to my head anymore. I can't even listen to music and just paint or draw what I feel anymore. What medium do I use now? Photography is too easy. Am I destined to make shitty blog entries for the rest of my life? Everything has been done before. Maybe I'll try writing again. Or am I destined to continue writing fuckass haiku poems on my cell phone to pass time? Abusing the body is a boring art form. My scars will tell you that. All I can do is trace over my scars and hope for some artistic inspiration.
I still don't have a nickname. I thought about using Grave, you know, because I want to be a Mortician, but I'm sure I'll be called emo and shit. Hurr durr - fascination with death = emo now, or so the "in-crowd" claims.
I'm good at psychoanalyzing myself. I used to pick myself apart when I was bored. I've figured myself out for the most part now, so I'm bored with my emotions. I want to experience a new emotion or one that I haven't felt in a long time. I want to play with my mind. But what is there to do with it? I mean - the shrinks had such a fun time drugging me up and digging around in my memories, why the fuck shouldn't I have that chance?
If I didn't feel physical pain, I'd jump at the chance to rip myself apart and look inside. I'd probably bleed to death, but what better way to die than by your own, murderous hands?
"Mountains. Heavy are the mountains. But that changes with the passage of time.
Sky, blue sky. What your eyes can't see. What your eyes can see.
The sun. One, only one.
Water. It is a grey pool. Commander Ikari.
Flowers. So many the same, so many without purpose.
Sky. Sky of red. Red the colour, the colour I hate.
The liquid flows. It drips, ripples, and pours. Blood. Scent of blood, woman who does not bleed.
On the red soil the humans come. Humans made by man and woman.
City. A human creation. EVA. A human creation as well.
What are humans? Are they creations of God? Humans, and that which is created by humans.
This is that which is mine. My life; my heart. I am a vessel for my thoughts.
The entry plug; the throne of the soul. Who is this? This is me.
Who am I? What am I? What am I? What am I? What am I...
I am I.
This object that is myself, that which forms what is me. This is the self that can be seen and yet it is not like that which is myself.
A strange feeling. My body feels as if it is melting. I can no longer see myself, my form, my shape...It fades from view.
Awareness dawns of someone who is not mel; who was here, there, beyond me here.
Shinji? This person I know, Major Katsuragi. Doctor Akagi. People. My classmates. The pilot of Unit 02. Commander Ikari?
Who are you? Who are you? Who are you..."
"I wonder when it started... the drifting... It's like my mind and body have come apart, little by little...
Whenever something sad... or painful... happens
It's like there's another me who watches it... like it's happening to someone else, thinking... "that's not me." It's okay. I can live like that. I'll lock my heart deeper away. I won't have to feel pain outside or inside... or fear...
I WON'T HAVE TO FEEL ANYTHING AT ALL!"
*NOTE: I do not EXPECT anyone to reply to any of my bullshit entries or even read them. It's nice when I get advice, but I don't expect people to respond. When I signed up for Mindsay, I did it so I could just get my thoughts down. I doubted anyone would reply. So please, don't feel that you HAVE TO reply or give me advice.*
- Not everything needs to be analyzed and picked apart.
- It's okay to do stuff without reason.
- Sometimes it's okay to forget everything for awhile.
- Acting silly and childish will keep you young.
- Indulge in your every pleasure.
- Nothing is immortal, not even Vampires.
- Live like you're going to die any second.
- Lower your expectations to avoid disappointment.
My mind is drawing a blank. All I can think of are pictures. I'm thinking IN pictures. Pictures. Images. Thoughts. Reality. Mind.
I write things down to remember. I write things down so I won't forget. I write things down so I won't forget to remember. It's possible.
It's easier not to care. Sometimes I wish I was still depressed. It was easier. Reminds me of...
DEATH IS EASY DEATH IS EASY DEATH IS EASY DEATH IS EASY DEATH IS EASY DEATH IS EASY DEATH IS EASY DEATH IS EASY DEATH IS EASY DEATH IS EASY DEATH IS EASY DEATH IS EASY
"So. this is how it feels to die? But it's okay. Yeah, everything's okay."
I can't paint anything anymore. I can't draw anymore. I mean - it's there, I have the ability, but nothing comes to my head anymore. I can't even listen to music and just paint or draw what I feel anymore. What medium do I use now? Photography is too easy. Am I destined to make shitty blog entries for the rest of my life? Everything has been done before. Maybe I'll try writing again. Or am I destined to continue writing fuckass haiku poems on my cell phone to pass time? Abusing the body is a boring art form. My scars will tell you that. All I can do is trace over my scars and hope for some artistic inspiration.
I still don't have a nickname. I thought about using Grave, you know, because I want to be a Mortician, but I'm sure I'll be called emo and shit. Hurr durr - fascination with death = emo now, or so the "in-crowd" claims.
I'm good at psychoanalyzing myself. I used to pick myself apart when I was bored. I've figured myself out for the most part now, so I'm bored with my emotions. I want to experience a new emotion or one that I haven't felt in a long time. I want to play with my mind. But what is there to do with it? I mean - the shrinks had such a fun time drugging me up and digging around in my memories, why the fuck shouldn't I have that chance?
If I didn't feel physical pain, I'd jump at the chance to rip myself apart and look inside. I'd probably bleed to death, but what better way to die than by your own, murderous hands?
"Mountains. Heavy are the mountains. But that changes with the passage of time.
Sky, blue sky. What your eyes can't see. What your eyes can see.
The sun. One, only one.
Water. It is a grey pool. Commander Ikari.
Flowers. So many the same, so many without purpose.
Sky. Sky of red. Red the colour, the colour I hate.
The liquid flows. It drips, ripples, and pours. Blood. Scent of blood, woman who does not bleed.
On the red soil the humans come. Humans made by man and woman.
City. A human creation. EVA. A human creation as well.
What are humans? Are they creations of God? Humans, and that which is created by humans.
This is that which is mine. My life; my heart. I am a vessel for my thoughts.
The entry plug; the throne of the soul. Who is this? This is me.
Who am I? What am I? What am I? What am I? What am I...
I am I.
This object that is myself, that which forms what is me. This is the self that can be seen and yet it is not like that which is myself.
A strange feeling. My body feels as if it is melting. I can no longer see myself, my form, my shape...It fades from view.
Awareness dawns of someone who is not mel; who was here, there, beyond me here.
Shinji? This person I know, Major Katsuragi. Doctor Akagi. People. My classmates. The pilot of Unit 02. Commander Ikari?
Who are you? Who are you? Who are you..."
"I wonder when it started... the drifting... It's like my mind and body have come apart, little by little...
Whenever something sad... or painful... happens
It's like there's another me who watches it... like it's happening to someone else, thinking... "that's not me." It's okay. I can live like that. I'll lock my heart deeper away. I won't have to feel pain outside or inside... or fear...
I WON'T HAVE TO FEEL ANYTHING AT ALL!"
*NOTE: I do not EXPECT anyone to reply to any of my bullshit entries or even read them. It's nice when I get advice, but I don't expect people to respond. When I signed up for Mindsay, I did it so I could just get my thoughts down. I doubted anyone would reply. So please, don't feel that you HAVE TO reply or give me advice.*
The Lap Dancing Computer Is Back!
Hey Kids!
Our Laptop is back... FINALLY!
I think I finally have a plan too for like, my life.
I am going to go to college for biology or chemistry, and also education.
Wahaha!
I think I will be a high school bio/chem teacher.
I want to go to Montana for college too...
My Uncle John Lives out there.
So, when they kick you out of the dorms, I will have somewhere to go.
I just want to go away...I mean, I love being with my family and will miss everyone here, but I really want to have that one big going away when you can do whatever you want.
And if I am a teacher, I won't have to live in the city.
That is what I do not want to do.
I want to live near a small town, in a HUGE brick house. With lots of trees, and a pond and horses, like my house now.
: D
And the way I look at it, my parents have no money put away whatso ever, so I can pretty much do whatever, I mean, within reason, that I want because I will be in debt anyway.
And, this may sound stupid, but I actually like Dan enough to consider him in the future...
But who knows!
SO.
Things with Dan and I have been going well.
Yay.
My Birthday is on the 24th.
YAY!
I'll be 17.
Wacha.
I need to fill out all the applications for college.
Ciao,
Mariah
: D
/sigh
What else is there to say or do besides /sigh? I am so sick of life and everyone in it. I know this sounds weird to say, but I wish I didn't have a reason to live. I'm tied down to live for so many reasons and sometimes I wish I wasn't. Sometimes I wish I could just let go. Just fucking let it all go and let it all disappear behind me.
I'm bored with life. I used to say that and wanted to kill myself just to see what the hell was on the other side. It would've given me something to do instead of sit at home, bored.
I want to quit school and just have it all be done with and get my stupid GED. I know I only have 4 months left until I graduate, but I can't stand it. Every time I think about going to school, I just want to splatter my brains across the wall. I can't take it. I can't take all the people, all the noise, all the bullshit. It's too much for me to handle.
I just want all of my fucking problems to disappear before I end up disappearing.
I'm bored with life. I used to say that and wanted to kill myself just to see what the hell was on the other side. It would've given me something to do instead of sit at home, bored.
I want to quit school and just have it all be done with and get my stupid GED. I know I only have 4 months left until I graduate, but I can't stand it. Every time I think about going to school, I just want to splatter my brains across the wall. I can't take it. I can't take all the people, all the noise, all the bullshit. It's too much for me to handle.
I just want all of my fucking problems to disappear before I end up disappearing.
Notes On Noah
Howdy Howdy all!
These are my notes...yes I am just lame enough to write them on my blog in case anyone is interested.
Techs--Reason, no imagination. They respond to rules and logic. If there is a fracas then it must be quelled so that the masses can live peacefully. They are the "Police" or regulators of community. Only do jobs that require organization and adherence to set rules---More to come later on this group.
First Wavers---Imagination but no real problem solving skills typically. Only out-bred Firsts have both reason and imagination. This changes the story---Out-bred Firsts passing as absolute Firsts are a Breach and is dealt with by Techs in various ways. Hmmm (yes I write hmmm when I am thinking. I know, lame). What ways I wonder...
Later Wavers---many layers of wavers fall under this category but primarily they---lack imagination and reason but can be set to perform menial labor and live by Lesser codes. Answer the basic drives. Eat, sleep, breed. Work to feed those three objectives. Must be kept free of stimulants as they are prone to "React" in "unpredictable" ways. Unpredictable=forgotten humanistics (is this a word?)...example... Bright colors confuse and agitate. Questions agitate. One must use commands only to discourage thought in those on the cusp of higher waves.
Commanders (name still pending)--imagination, reason but must breed carefully as any malady whether dominant or recessive can cause spontaneous termination. Weak constitutions. Gain control through suggestion, command and scent (maybe) generally breed with one another and First Wavers with special permission. (Times of sluggish birth rates or times of high mortality among the Commander class).
What caused this world. Not a World War, something simple, seemingly benign. Not vaccines. (this is too soon to deal with...later) maybe just a cold snap or something. Not a hurricane though....
Flesh to bones and so forth...I better get back to it.
Goddess Bless
These are my notes...yes I am just lame enough to write them on my blog in case anyone is interested.
Techs--Reason, no imagination. They respond to rules and logic. If there is a fracas then it must be quelled so that the masses can live peacefully. They are the "Police" or regulators of community. Only do jobs that require organization and adherence to set rules---More to come later on this group.
First Wavers---Imagination but no real problem solving skills typically. Only out-bred Firsts have both reason and imagination. This changes the story---Out-bred Firsts passing as absolute Firsts are a Breach and is dealt with by Techs in various ways. Hmmm (yes I write hmmm when I am thinking. I know, lame). What ways I wonder...
Later Wavers---many layers of wavers fall under this category but primarily they---lack imagination and reason but can be set to perform menial labor and live by Lesser codes. Answer the basic drives. Eat, sleep, breed. Work to feed those three objectives. Must be kept free of stimulants as they are prone to "React" in "unpredictable" ways. Unpredictable=forgotten humanistics (is this a word?)...example... Bright colors confuse and agitate. Questions agitate. One must use commands only to discourage thought in those on the cusp of higher waves.
Commanders (name still pending)--imagination, reason but must breed carefully as any malady whether dominant or recessive can cause spontaneous termination. Weak constitutions. Gain control through suggestion, command and scent (maybe) generally breed with one another and First Wavers with special permission. (Times of sluggish birth rates or times of high mortality among the Commander class).
What caused this world. Not a World War, something simple, seemingly benign. Not vaccines. (this is too soon to deal with...later) maybe just a cold snap or something. Not a hurricane though....
Flesh to bones and so forth...I better get back to it.
Goddess Bless
Hello to you all
Hello to you all. My name is Jon, and I live in the UK. I discovered this website by typing "I hate life" in google, because, at the time of writing this, I just feel like crap. Think me sad or whatever, get it out of your system. Anyway, the reason for this is because that I act like an ass round girls and I just make myself look like a piece of shite basically. I need to get rid of this social problem I have. Update soon.
Jon_X
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