Reason For Life @ MindSay 
My mood kind of fits the subject. It is a song that I have been listening to lately. I have been listening to happy peppy music off and on trying to feel better, but nothing seems to be working.
I know part of the reason why I am so meh today is because I had to make the most difficult decision I could proably make at this point in my life. I had to drop Jazz Band :(. For everyone who knows me band is my life and I may not make it seem like it is, but in all reality it is! The reason I had to drop it is because I can't keep missing three days of the week and going two. I miss things that we learned during class and I miss things that have changed. I am surprised I did as well as I did last year with our theme concert. We had to learn all the songs by ear and I did it, but barely. I can see how it disappoints Propst that I can't be there everyday. I don't have time after school for lessons to make up what I missed in class...not this year. Alicia offered to drive me, but I don't know if Ican do that...it is so out of the way. Jazz Band is the best class I have and now that I don't have it anymore...it kills me on the inside.
Another reason as to why I am so bumbed is because I know that I am growning apart from my friends. My two best frieds are Jessie and Tiona. I am growing away from Jessie because she is just stuck at the age of 14. She is almost 18, but she acts like a kids still. I am just starting to get annoyed with her always needing everyone's attention and always finding someway to take some kind of accomplishment that someone else has and making it her own. In middle school I had Track and I wanted it in high school...I was doing it over the summer and then she started doing it and I was like what...she has football...which she thinks she is the best out of everyone and she whines and complaines when she doesn't get to play. The only reason she is on varsity this year is because she is a senior!
Then there is Tiona...we still hang out and do things together, but you can feel us starting to move apart. Which I should have expected to happen...after this school year we are going to live at the least 8 hours apart and she is goin to meet some guy down in Coos Bay and I will meet some guy in Washington. We will spend most of outr time worrying about work and boyfriends. I am sure we will talk a little bit, but not much. It hurts to know that I am going to lose my best friend after the last bell on the last day of school i'm probably going to cry.
Another stress...school!! I have so much pressure to graduate this year that I feel like I am not even going to make it. The thought of dropping out has crossed my mind which is scary especially since I am so close to high school being over. I mentioned one carreer that I thought about and now that is almost like what people are excpecting me to do. Maybe I want to work at McDonalds for the rest of my life and live alone in a little studio appartment that doesn't even hold me and a cat! If I really became a doctor that would be great, but it would be ten times easier for me to become a teacher than it would to be a doctor. After high school that is another 8 years at the least of college to become a doctor and I barely made it through the first 14 years of school. I guess 8 is less than 14, but idk.
Boys...nuff said right. I like two guys...one guy I see all the time and I know for a fact that he doesn't like me like I like him and the other guy I don't see very often and I know he likes me. I really shouldn't be worrying about boys right now...I was in a long relationship that ended in a bad way. I still love Eric and I know I always will! I really wish that things hadn't ended between us. I see him every morning and ever day during school...it kills me that I can' walk up to him and give him a hug and talk to him and things be fine.The day that I wrote that stupid blog and said that it was over I cried and I wanted to call him and talk to him so bad, but I couldn't do it. I had to, things hurt way to much...not talking.
I am tired of trying to talk to people and tell them my problems when they ask and then they turn around and make things about them and we are talking about their problems or the start talking to me like everything is fine and I am just making a big deal out of nothing. I hold my stress and my worries back from everyone...I sit at school with a smile on my face letting people think that I am happy and nothing is ever wrong with Brittaney.
I am just way to stressed to do anything right now...I really just want to crawl into bed and just not wake up for a few years.
A~ I got mad sisterly love for you!
G and W~ You two girls are like the bomb and you both make me laugh! Igot love for you.
G~ You are a good friend and I got love for you even if you don't give it back.
I hope you can figure out who is who for that...the A G W G.
Peace to all that read my stuff.
Sometimes in life no matter how much you tried to be good,deaf,mute and numb of everything happened to you esp. when you are hurt because of somebody's carelessness, time will really come to push you to fight with this people who caused you pain. I always believe that "time heal all your wounds" but sometimes that "time"seems so long that you cant wait when it comes and there you go now hurting someone also because you are once hurt... I hate this..I swear...
Now I that im always alone (by choice) I have so many realization in life..I already cried and suffered a lot because of those things that I did. Im not saying that Im trying to live as a saint because why I am so bothered when I hurt someone when it is so normal because we are just human,NO, im too far from being one and I will never be one.... It's just that I think a lot and finding every reason I can why sometimes I am disturb,lost,and lonely when I didn't do anything wrong or offensive...Havent I mysoul??
Sometimes I hate being inquisive because it will only lead me to diff. answers whether I like it or not and when not my poor mind are thinking again the reason why..oh my... why Im like this...OVERTHINKING OF ANYTHING.. yet I remain Fab.
I required all wizardz to explain this on my dreams...
wave..wave.. dreamland calling me...
fabishthing
And he carries the reminders
Of ev'ry glove that layed him down
Or cut him till he cried out
In his anger and his shame
"I am leaving, I am leaving"
But the fighter still remains...
Strange these days are and so they shall be until I find myself a regular type schedule. In these day being that I do not have be as mobile as I was in the past, I do believe that my PDA will get a much-deserved rest and I shall once again return to doing my mobile computing upon my laptop. This could possible have some plus sides to it for all materials I have and need for all of my Web design projects are contained therein and having to use the old-timey ThinkPad 600 will force me to look at them once again...
And so another chapter in this thing I call life has begun. Where the road will lead me I do not know though it will lead me somewhere that I could not have predicted just one week ago...
'Tis quite a good thing to have folks that you would least expect step up and offer assistance if it is require. "You know, George, you had a wonderful life." That seems to be popping up within my cranium at the moment. And it is true. It is so easy to cast a negative shadow upon the world as we see it, but the shadow often conceals all the good that is in this existence...
My last official act at my former primary job was to return my keys, turn in my security badge, and clean out my locker. This was accomplished on the daylight shift. And it is amazing to me that so many folks hugged me or shook my hand, many of whom I had not seen in 5 or 6 years though we worked in the same building of 130 or so employees. Was a good thing indeed to know that those at the plebe level such as myself respected me for how I handled the situation. The end was nigh and I did not self-destruct the way in which many have given similar circumstances. I did not take my feelings out upon those who surround me. I did not try to take others with me. I accepted the fact that things would change, I stated politely my feelings on all concerns, and that was that...
There is absolutely no reason to fight a war that one cannot win. There is no reason to martyr oneself for a cause that in the long term is meaningless. There is no reason to loss one's dignity when admitting defeat...
And for a brief period in my life, I have the freedom to sit and enjoy the world that surrounds me. I can take the time ponder the deeper things in this life. I have been granted an unscheduled vacation when I need it must to recharge my internal batteries and regain the life I once had before I have to step back into the ring of the working class hero...
This is the Word of the AntiCrust...
Praise be ye who Read the Word for ye are Blessed amongst humans...
She saved my life in a manner of speaking
When she gave me back the power to believe...
It is funny in an ironic sort of way, but on Friday of last week on the last entry of this Blog of the last week, I wrote that I needed to believe in myself whilst doing that which must be done on my secondary career. And then I went out across the country and sent Friday eating well with others whom this line of work though most are far more successful at it than I am. And then I sat through five hours of speakers who stated exactly what I concluded - that to be successful, one must believe that they can be successful...
One must believe in the impossible, the invisible, the great mysteries of life...
And this I know to be true though after so many years of being beaten down, I find it extremely difficult to believe - to dream that dreams can come true if one believes it to be true...
The negativity of a lifetime must be pushed aside and a more positive outlook on the world must be achieved...
Everything happens for a reason and I feel that there is a reason why I have stuck with my secondary career as long as I have though most have given up and quit. There is a reason why my thought patterns have been following the same tracks as the speakers I at and listened to one Saturday. There is a reason why I am the way I am and think the way I do...
Now I just need to get everything in synch with the way I feel I should be and the Heavens will open up and a ray of sunshine will smile upon me and the world will be good...
And so it is and so it shall be forever and ever, Amen...
This is the Word of the AntiCrust...
Praise be ye who Read the Word...
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