Realizations @ MindSay 
Samantha Sweeting spent every waking moment for seven years trying to become a partner in her top notch legal firm. Twelve years before that was in preparation of becoming the best lawyer she could possibly be. One single mistake (that wasn't even made by her) changed her life in a split second. Mistakes in the legal world can obviously be costly. This one happened to cost her client 50 million pounds. Mistakes in her world were unacceptable, and so when the mistake came to light, she left without a single word - just walked out of the office and kept going until she landed on a stranger's doorstep. The strangers mistook her for a housekeeper an agency sent to them. Not having any answers of what to do about her life (especially after finding she was fired for her reaction to her own mistake), Samantha decided to make the best of the strangers' misunderstanding and remained as their housekeeper. The funny thing is Samantha can't boil eggs much less do a load of laundry. This top-notch lawyer ended up falling in love with the gardner and the charming country life she began to make for herself once she learned to slow down and smell the roses. She learned to cook and clean. Life drammatically changes for her and she just adores it.
Suddenly the legal firm realized that Samantha never made a mistake, that a senior partner set her up to take his fall should his financial scandal be found out. The firm fell over themselves to make it up to her and offered her an even better position in their ranks. She was torn between accepting the offer and remaining where she was. The gardner skipped town to make the decision easier for her. But halfway to London, Samantha leaves her partners on the train to find her way back to the love of her life even though she had no clue where to find him in Cornwall. All she knew was she would find him somehow.
Gods, I love this book. It's just absolutely wonderful.
"It doesn't matter. Don't beat yourself up for not knowing all the answers. You don't always have to know who you are. You don't have to have the big picture, or know where you're heading. Sometimes it's enough just to know what you're going to do next."
Soft sigh in relief. Lately I've been searching for all the answers and getting extremely upset whenever I'd come up empy-handed. I often thought about going to the local metaphysical store to have my tarot read so that I get some answers, but I haven't had the money to do so. Then I read these words and realized that it doesn't matter if I have all the answers. It really is enough just know what to do next. For instance, I know I need to find a part time job. That's what I need to do next. And it doesn't really matter what kind of job it is... I know I can do anything I put my mind to as long as I have Josh's support. I know I'm starting school next month. That's as far as I need to go... the only answers I really need.
Okay, many moons have past since I last blogged. Sorry to anyone who reads this and has been disappointed. Anyone who does read this and wasn’t, to thee I say: How dare you not weep in my absence! J
Moving on, today has been another warm, muggy day. They seem to be the trend during this season. Taking a signal from Mother Nature, I am staying only in air conditioned spaces; the only natural place to be. Being back at my parent’s house makes me feel like a guest or better yet a room renter. I eat most of my meals by myself; I clean my own room, kitchen, bathroom, and living room; and I buy my own groceries. These actions feel routine, yet there is a part of me that feels like I shouldn’t have to be taking care of everything on my own quiet yet. Strange time for that feeling to come up being as how I have lived this way for the last three to four years. I suppose this just proves the point that you don’t really realize how messed up you are until you leave your family and realize that not everyone lives the way you do.
That’s how it is for me at least. I fear that if I ever have another serious romantic relationship I will be too independent because I am stuck in this pattern or I will be too needy because I will collapse if I ever took the chance to lean on someone else. I’m going to college in the fall, but what I really want to do is regress back to some state of dependant childhood that I seem to have missed out on.
Anyways, that’s how I am today I guess: having a dependency complex in my air conditioned house.
I've come to realize a few things once again...and I seem to be doing that a lot lately. There are quite a few things that keep bugging me, but at the same time I've come to know and believe a lot of other things.
First, I'll start by stating the not so good things, but I probably won't really explain them. I've come to terms with the fact that the bitch that robbed my house has never made me feel so scared, violated, and disgusting...all just by the single action of her going through my house and stealing a bunch of valuables. I'm starting to come to terms with the fact that as time goes on--I'm not getting very good at trusting people, because it's not getting any easier. Sometimes, I still get nervous/anxious/sad for no reason, and then end up thinking about things too hard...which results in tears, or just a depressing mood (which right now doesn't last too long). I've become more of a "bitch" or in other words--I just don't care that much anymore for certain things, and I'm leaving them behind...but in other situations I've become more caring and loveable. There are a few others, but I don't feel like typing them.
On the other hand, there are many things I've come to face...but they're better. And these I will probably do a little more explaining on.
I kept my promise to Brad that we would still be friends. I told him we would continue to be friends...even if we weren't close. Turns out--we've only grown closer. He actually promised me last week that he'd still be around in ten years...and that he wants me to be happy--even if he's not the guy I end up waking up next to every morning.
With the help of Alan, Brad, Alex, and a few others--I'm starting to actually believe I'm beautiful, that I actually mean something, and that I deserve someone special who can treat me right. For so long, all I did was put myself down and I never believed in myself at all, and I'm still not good at taking compliments--but I'm getting better at that. I used to think I was ugly and so fat...that I didn't mean anything to anyone, and no one would care if I just left without a glance back...and that I didn't deserve anything good because I wasn't worth it, and nobody could love someone like me. With a lot of convincing, and finally getting rid of a bad egg in my group of friends--I'm finally starting to believe in myself, and I'm becoming more confident. I'm becoming a flirt, and more of a tease, too....but I don't mind that....cuz the way I see it--I can play with your heart if you play with mine, or we can just do casual flirting with nothing attatched.
I lost someone I considered a best friend for five years, but in the process I've gained more friends...a lot of happiness...and some confidence. I think she partially held me back, and I'm done letting people do that to me. I've lost one, become close with a few others, made new friends, and kept old ones...and I'm okay with that. Since losing her, everyone has noticed a newfound happiness--my mom actually made a comment at dinner a few nights ago.
I've also realized I'm completly done with caring what people think about me anymore...I don't know if that's a good or bad thing yet. I'm just sick of people holding me back...sick of caring and getting down on myself about something only a few people probably notice...and done caring and getting nothing in return. I know I'm a little young to be saying that...but sometimes I feel like I'm a grown-up stuck in an eighteen year old's body because I had to grow up fast, and I've been through stuff that some people haven't.
My friends have been there for me through so much, and I thank them all for that--because honestly, none of them had to stick around at all, and no one had to listen. I'm thankful I have them in my life.
I've got everything all figured out for my future...and all I have to do now is get there. I'm going to college to become a nurse...and if someone special comes along--I'll have to learn how to let them in, but I can work with that. New friends? I'm going to do that, too. Just give me time, and every simple detail will be figured out--all the pieces will be put into place.
Even though I don't believe in God....this song is one of them that are inspiring me right now... GOD LOVES UGLY by JORDIN SPARKS
Andddd.....goodnight everyone, have a great day!!
.My loneliness is thrown away, but we've yet to take the trash out.
.I've realized that the people in my house have too many parties. I feel that a loud, drunken get-together should probably not happen more than three times in the same long weekend.
.Apparently, I'm allergic to smoke. Maybe I've come to this realization by living in a smoking house.
.I don't see these as negative things, just inconveniences; although, they could force me to smoke and throw up on me and I would probably still be much happier than I ever was in Mississippi.
Today my grandpa got transferred to the Fargo hospital. Which was something I thought wouldn't be a good sign at all. Sine he's been in Fargo, his heart rate has gone from 245 (extremly high and close to having a heart attack), to 80 (normal)...which is awesome!! He's still having breathing issues, but that has gotten a TINY bit better, but his heart rate has gone down a lot, which is a very good sign, which means his heart doesn't have to work so hard, and his lungs may heal faster now. On Saturday, if he keeps getting a teensy bit better each day, they're going to start lung therapy. He'll be there for a long while yet, but things are starting to look up now!! That relieves a little stress...whoooeeee!!
Looking back, and thinking while I was in confermation...I came to a few realizations about myself. I think the reason why I cling to the simple things and get so frazzled (mean's stressed...but I can't say the word without smiling lol..I know--I'm weird!), when things go wrong is because I've had sooo many things go wrong in my life and in the lives of people around me. I've been through experiances that many have only heard about...and while it's hurt me and made me sad for a while--it's only made me a stronger person. I know I can be weak when it comes to certain things, and that I'm soft-hearted, yet I know how to deal with things pretty well considering all I've been through.
Another thing, quite a few people are so quick to judge others who aren't like them, and I try so hard not to do that because I've seen it happen and how it affects the so-called "outcasts" and I absolutly hate it. And I also hate it when someone has a visable disability, and people are so quick to judge, and automatically go right to thinking they're stupid. I accept them for who they are--no matter what's wrong with them or how they look...they're actually one of the most caring types of people I know. I get on a personal level with them, and actually care about what they have to say. I know it's hard for a lot of people to accept someone like that, but that's because they've never been exposed to it like I have, and they don't really get that they're people just like us and feel the same feelings we do.
And, odd as it may seem, I cling to people (not litterally), and I hate being alone most of the time...I'm afraid of being alone for the rest of my life, and I tend to get emotionally attatched to people. I've been told a lot lately that there's just something about me that makes me seem so friendly and caring right from the start...I like hearing that.
Oh yay!!! April 14th. Energy Xcel Center in St Paul. Hawthorne Heights. The All American Rejects. From First to Last. And Fall Out Boy. I get to go to that concert...it's going to be an amazing show!!!! I'm way excited now...I can not wait!! That's my birthday/Christmas present from Trivia. Ahhh I'm way excited!!! We might be staying in a hotel down there that night...Trivia, Me, Shelby, Jessi, Jake, and Ryan...the two boys being in a seperate room, of course ;) !!! lol. I CAN'T WAIT!!!!!!!!!
Well, there's something for you to read tonight....g'nite all!!!!!!!!
<3 Nicole Lyn
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