Realization @ MindSay

I guess I came to another realization.

I want to go back to school more than anything else.

So rather than stay down here for a year or so living with emotional/economic vampires, I'm going to try to make plans to move back.

Oh man, this past weekend was nuts. I guess my "weekend" technically started on Thursday, even though I had classes the next day. On Thursday night, I had to go to this event called Fresh Formal where all the Freshman Leadership Organizations (FLOs) would get together and get a chance to meet each other and dance. Well, a group of friends of mine decided we would go out and grab dinner beforehand and then pregame before going to the dance (as everyone was planning on being drunk to this thing). We ended up eating kind of late, and meeting up at a friends frat house and I had a few drinks. The dance was lame, so I was glad to be somewhat tipsy just based off of how awkward things were. Afterwards we ended up going out again and drinking some more. I was pretty much fine all night, but I decided I would mess around with my roommate Nathan some and make him think I was totally gone. I will admit though, I had a mad case of the giggles, and would laugh really hard at funny stuff.

On Friday, I thought it would be a relaxing night, and I ended up hanging out with Nathan again. We went to the GT baseball game against UNC, and we lost, but it was fun to watch. Afterward, we ended up going to the Varsity and had my second dinner, which wasn't really smart of me. I ended up getting some mad heartburn later in the night, but it didn't really matter much. After hanging out with the roommate, I ended up going out with a couple of my buddies David and Michael to check out some of the frat parties. Man, that was a good decision. We mainly checked out two big parties, and after a while, we realized we really needed some girls to dance with, so we called up a few of them, and only really managed to get my friend Meghan to come out. We danced for a while, and then went inside the frat house to try to find some drinks. Lo and behold, we found some damn strong Bourbon. Not a smart choice, but hey, we had quite a bit of it, and while I was perfectly fine, my friend David was completely gone, and Michael was pretty drunk. The night was really great, it was the first time in such a while I had gone out and enjoyed myself. As luck would have it, I ended up finding a new friend Zach who I had just met that day, and we had an even better time doing some social drinking.

The next day (Saturday) I didn't really plan on doing any partying, but I ended up getting my mind changed.. AGAIN. The night started out great and ended.. alright, but my cousin Ivan came down to Tech to visit me and chill out. We ate dinner with a bunch of my friends, and walked to the nearest movie theater in Atlantic Station to see the new Fast and Furious movie (which wasn't really that good in my opinion). Now, even though we got back around midnight, I still went with my cousin to show him what the life was like at tech when it came to parties and stuff, and luckily there were some huge parties going on. We were sober the entire time we were at the band party we went to (shockingly, I know), but ended up going to David's frat house and drinking there. Nathan (my roommate) was feeling kind of down and had wayyyyy too much to drink, so we had to carry him back on our shoulders, but he was fucking hilarious. He ended up puking that night, and while I was a bad influence on my cousin, he had a good time. He got to see what college life is really like I suppose, and that's always a good thing. We got back into the room around 6 AM Sunday morning, and I only got about 3-4 hours of sleep.

Sunday sucked. I barely remember anything, just because I was so sleep deprived. I know I dropped Ivan off at his car, and I had to go to audition the bands for the Battle of the Bands I'm organizing, but besides that things were blurry. I think throughout the entire week I got somewhere around 25 hours of sleep, with about 6 or 7 of those hours over the 3 days I partied. I got very sick because my immune system was sucking from lack of rest, and thank goodness I had some friends to take care of me. I'm still feeling sick, but at least I'm doing better than Sunday. I slept 15 hours straight that night, so that's pretty epic. And that's not counting the 5 or 6 hours that I was sleeping on and off before that (right after I finished those auditions).

Life is busy as ever, and this Battle of the Bands deal is quickly approaching (it's next Thursday), so I hope it's a success. Classes are as rough as ever, and I just got through a decently difficult Calc II test (I actually think I did pretty well). I know I've sucked at keeping up with the blog, and I'm sorry. Life is just busy, and this weekend I wasn't exactly on the computer much, I was just having way too much fun. :P

Wow, I've just realized it's April 7th. My birthday is in 10 days, and I didn't even realize it til now. I'm not really a big fan of my birthday or anything, but this just kind of shocks me. It feels like it hasn't been a year since my last birthday, and that's how I know that I'm getting old. Time is going by too fast! I'm going to try to keep up with this better, and sorry for making such a long post! Hope to hear from you all!

It's been a weekend of awakening.

Remembering who I used to be, and what mattered to me.

Remembering the kind of relationship God and I used to have, and exulting in it.

Remembering how much I miss just being with my love.

Praying. A lot.

Giving. Not enough.

Praising. In new ways.

I was praying in the bathtub, of all places. I've been praying for two friends quite a bit lately, one of them I see far more often than the other, and...well, it happened again. God dropped a bombshell about what I need to do. And it's going to be hard, and honestly, I still don't know how I'm going to completely pull it off, but I can do one day at a time, anyway. I can do tomorrow with this in mind.

I have this sneaking suspicion about, when I start really, sincerely praying for something, God will then take the opportunity to use it as a challenge for me, too. When I say I want to serve him and surrender to him, it's almost as if he says, "Really? I like that. Can you prove it?" And then he'll give me something hard that seems so contrary to what I think I should be doing, or want to do. Then he sits back, arms folded, and gives me a look. "You've been praying on this for awhile. I'm saying that you need to do this thing that's connected to it."

Incidentally, it's NEVER a guarantee that what I've been praying for will happen. That's happened before, but it's not a case of, "You do this, and I'll do that." It's simply, "I need you to do this." With the implied question, "Do you trust me as much as you say you do?"

Words without actions are meaningless.

Love is giving. Giving is love.

Joy is passion. Passion is joy.

Peace I'm still working on.

But if I say and sing that I love, I trust, I surrender, I follow...I have to actually DO it, or be called a liar.

After all, if a man is only as good as his word, a woman's must be held to the same standard.

This is not a Poem.

Just a piece of writing to emphasize the irony of my life.

so there I was..... looking snazzy, dressed in my Massimo Dutti suit, wearing Desire Blue by Davidoff... Escorting a girl in my Honda to a party... that turned out to be 'THE' party in the city that day.

It started as a nice party. got introduced to quite a few Biggies in the Fashion & Film Industry. had a few glasses of white wine... chilled out. met some friends.. chatted up.

And then started the photographers....

Btw, did I tell you that the girl I was escorting was a Fabulous Looker... and so there it was, photographers trying to get a hint of her smile.

and since she was having a few drinks... those smiles were also happening. And that meant the attention from the photographers and the appreciative glances from the men around was also happening.

And somewhere there... in that creme-de-la-creme setting I realised that 7 years I had known this girl, admired her for her intelligence, her strength of character, her yearning to be an Indian while being an NRI, her caring attitude towards family, her fierce belief in me as a nice guy....

somewhere there... it was never going to happen. I wasnt in love with her.

I wasnt afraid. I had arrived.

And no, she was giving me the attention too. That wasnt the problem either. she wasnt flirting with the men either....

But the dancing on the floor, without looking at me.

The retching on the Seafront at Gateway of India till 4am...

The problem was not her...

And when you realize that it is you, you have no one to get angry at.

Its simply a disappointment... a realization... that an era has come to an end.

Today, she left back for her country.

And I didnt call to say Bye.

I dont want to raise the spectre of meeting again with the same perked up smile.

We will be friends... but never the same.

The weather here still sucks. I think it was a requirement for this place to be charted as a city: it must have shitty weather. -_- Back home, everything was canceled because God had the decency to make it cold after it rained, turning everything into ice. Here? He keeps it just above freezing, so everything is wet and flooded and miserable as hell but not at all icy, which means we continue on with our dear lives (and classes).

Right now, I've already read my selecting in my book for class on Friday. I have a paper I suppose I could start, but that's not due until next Friday and if I start it now, it will definitely be sucktastic. I'll just concentrate on installing this game, thanks.

I was perusing Myspace briefly today (as per usual) and started looking through the profiles and pictures of younger girls I went to school with. These girls, they're the type to load their profile with pictures of them and their friends, and almost all the pictures were taken in my old high school, so I got all... nostalgic. There are days like this when I really miss high school and snow days and seeing my friends five out of the seven days in the week. I really do long for those days; they were so fun. I didn't realize how good a time I was having, how carefree I could be. This is the first time in my life that I've actually had to put my nose to the grindstone and study to get the grades I do. This is the first time I've had to do real academic work. I said that when I came here, I wanted a challenge.

I'm getting it, and I am now invoking my right to takesies-backsies. Fuck college. Fuck hard work. BLEH.

At least my best friend from home is coming down next weekend. With her visiting, and having all the girls here for the weekend, I should be able to unwind after my paper (and before another test). It'll be nice to have a weekend to chill. I've got so much going on this weekend (like Masquerade Ball and paper writing) that I definitely can't relax. Well, maybe when I do laundry...

I miss how easy everything was back home, but an easy life is one that goes nowhere. Having all this work to do leaves me with an immense feeling of accomplishment once I've finished. Maybe I won't finish everything exactly when I want to; maybe it will take a lot of time. The important thing is that I finish on time, and the task is done. That's a really rewarding feeling, especially when I put actual effort into what I'm doing.

The friends I've made here said they've noticed a change in me this last week, like I'm growing into the person I'm meant to be. I guess it sometimes takes near-strangers to see what's really happening to you. I feel different; I feel like I'm entering another growing stage, another phase on my path to actual womanhood. I feel older, more knowledgeable, more... something. I feel downright righteous. It's so empowering to feel that way, to know that there's this odd energy gathering in the depths of my soul, gearing up to spur me on to the next part of my life.

Oh, and here's a picture of the new haircut.



Not too bad, eh? Short, yes, but it's so much nicer... putting it up is a bit of a challenge, I'll admit, but it's nice not having this long, shaggy mane in my collar all the time. Everyone here has noticed it so far, which makes me happy. They all smile and ask, "Did you cut your hair?" When I answer in the affirmative, the smile always widens and people say, "It looks good. It looks like you." That's the most pleasing bit of all. I feel more like me now than I ever have before. I feel as though I'm finally breaking out and doing what I want instead of what will make me attractive or what will please my friends (though the haircut did please my other bestie, Carrie).

God, I feel so... free. I miss high school and its easiness; I miss seeing familiar faces every day, but you know what? It's not an unhappy missing. It's nostalgic, but not a sad nostalgia. It's the kind of missing that comes with moving on, the kind that helps you remember the old days without feeling as though you would give up your future to go back. It's the kind of missing that helps you to realize that your old life has helped you on to this new place, this new platform of living, and though you loved your old life dearly, you wouldn't go back. You're grateful, but not overly so. You've learned to be who you want and learn from the past, but not to live there.

I've made so many discoveries here. I really am growing up.