Realization @ MindSay

The weather here still sucks. I think it was a requirement for this place to be charted as a city: it must have shitty weather. -_- Back home, everything was canceled because God had the decency to make it cold after it rained, turning everything into ice. Here? He keeps it just above freezing, so everything is wet and flooded and miserable as hell but not at all icy, which means we continue on with our dear lives (and classes).

Right now, I've already read my selecting in my book for class on Friday. I have a paper I suppose I could start, but that's not due until next Friday and if I start it now, it will definitely be sucktastic. I'll just concentrate on installing this game, thanks.

I was perusing Myspace briefly today (as per usual) and started looking through the profiles and pictures of younger girls I went to school with. These girls, they're the type to load their profile with pictures of them and their friends, and almost all the pictures were taken in my old high school, so I got all... nostalgic. There are days like this when I really miss high school and snow days and seeing my friends five out of the seven days in the week. I really do long for those days; they were so fun. I didn't realize how good a time I was having, how carefree I could be. This is the first time in my life that I've actually had to put my nose to the grindstone and study to get the grades I do. This is the first time I've had to do real academic work. I said that when I came here, I wanted a challenge.

I'm getting it, and I am now invoking my right to takesies-backsies. Fuck college. Fuck hard work. BLEH.

At least my best friend from home is coming down next weekend. With her visiting, and having all the girls here for the weekend, I should be able to unwind after my paper (and before another test). It'll be nice to have a weekend to chill. I've got so much going on this weekend (like Masquerade Ball and paper writing) that I definitely can't relax. Well, maybe when I do laundry...

I miss how easy everything was back home, but an easy life is one that goes nowhere. Having all this work to do leaves me with an immense feeling of accomplishment once I've finished. Maybe I won't finish everything exactly when I want to; maybe it will take a lot of time. The important thing is that I finish on time, and the task is done. That's a really rewarding feeling, especially when I put actual effort into what I'm doing.

The friends I've made here said they've noticed a change in me this last week, like I'm growing into the person I'm meant to be. I guess it sometimes takes near-strangers to see what's really happening to you. I feel different; I feel like I'm entering another growing stage, another phase on my path to actual womanhood. I feel older, more knowledgeable, more... something. I feel downright righteous. It's so empowering to feel that way, to know that there's this odd energy gathering in the depths of my soul, gearing up to spur me on to the next part of my life.

Oh, and here's a picture of the new haircut.



Not too bad, eh? Short, yes, but it's so much nicer... putting it up is a bit of a challenge, I'll admit, but it's nice not having this long, shaggy mane in my collar all the time. Everyone here has noticed it so far, which makes me happy. They all smile and ask, "Did you cut your hair?" When I answer in the affirmative, the smile always widens and people say, "It looks good. It looks like you." That's the most pleasing bit of all. I feel more like me now than I ever have before. I feel as though I'm finally breaking out and doing what I want instead of what will make me attractive or what will please my friends (though the haircut did please my other bestie, Carrie).

God, I feel so... free. I miss high school and its easiness; I miss seeing familiar faces every day, but you know what? It's not an unhappy missing. It's nostalgic, but not a sad nostalgia. It's the kind of missing that comes with moving on, the kind that helps you remember the old days without feeling as though you would give up your future to go back. It's the kind of missing that helps you to realize that your old life has helped you on to this new place, this new platform of living, and though you loved your old life dearly, you wouldn't go back. You're grateful, but not overly so. You've learned to be who you want and learn from the past, but not to live there.

I've made so many discoveries here. I really am growing up.

Those who know me will also know that I hate emo kids with an undying passion. I've never much told anyone why, other than the fact that their poetry sucks. I don't want this to become a rant about these livejournal whiners, but let me just say this.

 

What do they have to be so depressed about?

 

I have fought with depression, suicide, humiliation, loneliness, uncontrollable anger. Last year I became a bitter old woman. As Mark Twain once said, "I have been through many terrible things in my life, some of which actually happened."

 

Well, look at me now. I feel alive again, and I've never been happier in my life. I feel like after so much confusion, I found a place where I belong. Just thinking about my life before AU makes me twitch with revulsion and throw up a little bit inside my mouth. But that's not my point. Oh, goodness, I'm getting off track.

 

After third grade, my life began to swing downward into a pool of suckiness. Yes, life can suck even when you're nine years old. My Aunt Linda was like another mother to my sister and me, but she died when I was eleven. I hated life, the world, everything. I haven't even been able to talk about her until now, seven years later. I still cry a little when I do.

 

In junior high, all my friends and I were brutally bullied every day. In high school, I was ignored by almost everyone around me to the point of isolation.

 

Here's the point I'm trying to make. Conditions were perfect for me to sulk in my room, write bad poetry and just feel sorry for myself. No, I wasn't always happy. But you know what? I always tried to be. Sometimes, I even was. See for example: junior year of high school...aside from chem, was actually not bad. =p

 

I still throw myself pity parties from time to time, there are still times I refuse to smile, but I'm working on it.

 

The key word of the above sentance: refuse.

 

Things have become clearer now. I'm finally realizing things that I have always known.

 

Happiness is a choice. Even when things look their worst, you can still choose. It's all right to cry, it's all right to be sad or angry or hurting. It's part of being human. Another part of it is choosing your actions. It's not always easy, it's sometimes impossible, but you have to try. You are the only one responsible for your happiness. Laugh or cry, it's your choice.

I just realized today- I'm not tired anymore. Not in the way I was. I'm not emotionally strung out, I'm not walking on egg shells. I'm breathing instead of holding my breath. This is significant. If there is a problem to fix, it is because of my own hand. And because I have such an utter distaste for sabotage, problems are no more than life's little quirks. There are no sudden 'accidental' forest fires to put out, no more sticks in the spokes. Only me. Only quiet, comfortable silence and stillness.

I have never lived this way before. I'm not sure I know what to do. I feel like I've come out of living in a war zone and have to figure out how to live in a world where bombs don't fall like rain out of the sky anymore. Not sure I know how to do that.

 

What to do now, I wonder? What way to go? How do other people make their way in a life like this?  It's like being on a different planet- and I'm uncertain what any of the customs are. I've spent my whole life as a 'fire fighter' and now there are no more fires. It would be very nice if there were a manual or a program for people like me. I know it sounds silly but I truly need to be...'habilitated' for life 'on the outside'.

Sometimes things kind of hit you out of the blue.  I had one of these moments yesterday.  I was working on my calendar for the fall (a fairly big project as it turned out), and when I finished and looked at it, I could hardly believe how busy I'm going to be in September and October.  Really pretty crazy stuff.  Now granted, I knew I wasn't really doing anything this summer.  I've actually had periods of several days this summer when I've been quite bored... but I guess I just hadn't thought about just how much things are going to pick up again next week.  New job, new school year, senior recital, fall musical, PASIC, camp reunion and retreat, symphony (?)... it's going to be a busy one.  Ready or not... here it comes.