Read Me Read Me @ MindSay 
So I figured since nobody uses mindsay anymore that posting here would be argumentatively the same as a personal expression of thought like for example a diary. and for a second I doubt myself thinking " Tony you dumbass nobody keeps a diary anymore these days..." but after I think about it I wonder how much of that is true. I mean my whole life if I heard the word diary I would have laughed and thought it was silly. I think of a young teenage girl pouring out her emotions about her boyfriend, or the fight she’s having with her best friend. and I think its safe to say the whole concept of having a diary is much more reasonable and acceptable if the keeper is a female.
To be honest if one of my friends from the football team a.k.a the "pain train" were to admit during team dinner that he wrote in a diary each day it probably would have been followed by an awkward moment of silence and a quick change of subject by a watchful teammate attempting to dampen the embarrassment.. The night would have gone on like nothing ever happened. but maybe that’s not the end of the story.
Maybe that boy was still embarrassed at himself now. maybe there was a sick feeling in his stomach at how much time he had wasted with his silly childish diary. maybe he would throw it away or even burn it, discarding every record of his history and how he has felt as though it was a sickness. like it was holding him back. when the truth is that book full of paper was the only written proof that he existed. that he was more than just a name.
After thinking about it for a while I determined that even though I have never kept a "diary" or any form of documentation to represent my feelings... I cannot deny that I have questioned myself in other ways besides literature. Several times I have asked myself who I am. what I believe in. what I stand for, and so forth. Each time the answer I come up with was slightly, but not dramatically different. I will keep the details quiet because this is surely not a diary, and I have no reason to express my internal feelings. I am simply taking a little time to explore this lovely place I live in from a broader perspective.
My conclusion tonight came surprisingly quickly. my poor fingers could never dream of typing anywhere close to as fast as I think., when I actually take a little bit of time out of my day to do so..[2:44 am] .
Nevertheless I decided that every good thing I have done in my life followed a decision. Every choice I ever made had a ending. every cause had an effect. every night had a dawn. and every day had a new opportunity for me to do something great. this is what disappoints me because from my point of view I have not done anything great. I’ve only done good. clearly, this is what I started thinking about some days ago. and it might not make any since to the 2 or 3 people who might actually take their time and read it. however this is my general, non personal beginning, of a story that I can't tell. I cannot simply because I don’t know the ending.
P.S. ... my intention was to write a blog about the crazy dreams I’ve been having and the spooky windy noise and the anonymous postcard that brought me to writing this "broad perspective" today.. but I have reasons for not continuing thins rant. one because I ran out of time [3:02am] and another because this is once again, surely not a diary and I have no reason to express my personal thoughts literally, however if anybody was actually interested in my story [ doubtful because if I was talking to anybody I probably wouldn’t be on mindsay in the first place] can feel free to start a conversation, which could be considered an excuse for discussing personal things.
