Rated X @ MindSay

My heart hurts. I am so depressed and sad and trying my ass off not to feel sorry for myself. I miss Margaux so much I can't breathe and I feel so disconnected with the world as I knew it before I graduated. Is this only happening to me? I know I get really attatched to people, but this is nuts. I miss Quin and Kevin and I hope to see them both again sometime. Patrick has been rather moody lately and I'm not really sure what to think...I don't think he realizes how mixed the signals he sends everyone really are. He's the hardest person to read that I know. Sleeping with him was fun, though. Haha that sounds bad, but we really were sleeping and not doing anything else. It's just comforting every now and then to sleep with a guy. We've slept together what, four times now? Maybe only three really count.There was his sleepover when I accidentally fell asleep, which doesn't count. Then there was the entire body contact on Quin's couch. Let's see, there was also that night at Pierre's house when Jess and I went into the bedroom to catch some z's on the bed and then everyone came in, Patrick got between us girls, we took a nap, then everyone left and Jess and Patrick and I slept some more. Might I mention that I was wearing a very flimsy skirt that was riding up? And I was falling off the bed so Patrick and I intertwined legs. Then we were spooning because it gave us so much more room to be on our sides, as opposed to on our backs like before. Patrick is a very heavy breather when he's sleeping. He woke me up like twenty times because he was breathing so hard on my neck. Oh well. It was very nice to have that big strong arm draped over my side and our legs intertwined, keeping me from falling off. When Jess had to leave, we realized how hot it was under the covers and he took his shirt off and we pushed the covers down just enough to cover my bottom half because lord knows how high that skirt was going to get with me tossing and turning around. That night was the closest we've been. That was a fun night in general. It was after the 7's party, and I got a ride from Quin to Pierre's house. We were all so exhausted that it got pretty hilarious. When I am that tired some switch goes off in my head and I get very...flirty. I could think of another word, but yeah. We were all very touchy-feely, and the girls were playing truth. I asked everyone that if they had to sleep with someone of the same sex, who would it be? Jinie picked me cuz I'm "cute", I picked Jess and Jess picked me, and the guys refused to play. Haha. I started noticing how hot Patrick's forearms are and I played the tingle game with Rachel and was slapping her and snapping her bra strap. Man, this sounds much more rated X than it actually was, but you would've had to be there. I took pictures!!! It sucks that Erika didn't take a pic of Pat and me in the bed... oh well. That's what memories are for!!! 

Patrick and I also slept together at Kyle's the other night, after watching him play Fable for like 12 hours. We weren't so cuddly, though--he always holds back when we're at Kyle's house. See what I mean about mixed signals? Anyway, we were side be side on the futon and I was in a deep sleep until he kneed me in the butt. Haha. I had accidentally done that to him earlier in the night, so I think we're even now. Anyway, that was fun. It's like I'm back in elementary school--hanging out with the boyz all the time. Sleeping in a room full of them haha. I know Patrick is not attracted to me, just like I'm not really that attracted to him. But evryone (especially teenagers haha) needs some physical contact every now and then, and it is so nice to wake up next to someone like that.

I remember joking with Kyle once when we were all out on the road for hours looking for booze. He said that if I paid him, he would come into my house every morning and get into bed with me just so I wouldn't wake up alone. Haha. Good memories. That was a fun night. We never did get any alcohol. 

As you can see I have started using real names because I really don't think anyone is going to find this blog. Jess knows about my livejournal one, but not this one, and no one else knows. Maybe Margaux, but I doubt she's remembered my scrn name after all this time. Even if they do find it, I don't really care. Well, back to being depressed. I watched seven movies yesterday. Taylor rented them out to me. They were: Platoon (cameo by Johnny Depp!), Clockwork Orange (made me think, not as creepy as I expected, more satirical--deals withe the idea that morality only comes through choice, was really bizarre, which I loved--the milk bars were really out there), American Beauty (reeaally good movie!! Kevin Spacey is so awesome), Requiem for a Dream (good, sad, depressing, but good), Pi (very interesting, great cinematography, all in black and white, part where he drills into his own head is rather hard to watch), Super Troopers (kinda funny, not that great, but funny at times), Trainspotting (Ewan MacGregor naked yet again, lots of drugs, creepy dead baby, pretty good, depressing, but Ewan is the greatest actor ever and he delivered an awesome performance). Yup. Been watching a lot of movies these last couple days. They didn't really help cheer me up, though.

I think I am also so depressed because I have so many regreta about school that I can't get over. I am biting my naisl waiting to see what muy final transcript will look like, because I never turned in my options questions and my history work had to go through a secretary and I'm not sure if he ever got it. I guess the options questions were the only things I didn't do, but this regret and guilt keeps washing over me. It will be better when I know my grades. Good or bad, ther's nothing I can do now to change them.

I got my roommate for CSU. I'll have to call her pretty soon. Her name is Amber. Maybe she wants to be a vet too. I'm still keeping my options open. We'll see. Maybe I'll be a rocket scientist. I have my whole future in front of me, and it's pretty cool. And kind of freaky too, in a way, but I know that I will be just fine.

Here is my cheerful news: I just made a bid on a Jeep Wrangler ten minutes ago!!!!!! It's black (my fave neutral color--if I can't have yellow or green then it's black all the way, baby!!!). I want to go on road trips soooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo bad and drive around and take my friends for rides and DAMMIT MARGAUX WON'T BE HERE TO SEE IT. Blast. I also am going to be buying a digital camera for college. I can't stand mine anymore. The money I pour into film and getting it developed is seriously out of hand. Okay I am suddenly hungry. I need a shower and I have to clean my room and then I'm gonna go for a walk all over the neighborhood. Bye bye!

~Sweet Girl