Rape Victim @ MindSay

as soon as i'm done typing this, i get to go tell my human sexuality professor about how there's a certain part of the class that i think its best i skip out on...i'm sure she'll be very understanding and kind about it, i talked to her about the fact that i have ptsd n how the cops ran me thro the ringer n all of that back when i took her choices n changes in sexuality class, and she's a sex therapist so she's heard tons of stories so even if she doesn't remember mine coming from me, its still not unique. still makes me nervous as hell that i have to do it, tho. i really wish i could have seen albert today to help take some of this stress off, but hopefully thursday he'll see me. i don't understand why he's doing this, why he just can't tell me no. its probably some other new rule cyn came up with that he's took much of a fucking lap dog to stand up to. the more i think about it, the more angry i get n the more i wonder wtf i'm still doing hurting over him, but unfortunately no matter how much of an ass he is, its not making me like him less. its just making me hate myself that much more because i don't like him less.

i got home a little while ago, back to arcata. mike told me that within the week, cops have been to the apartment multiple times asking for me- UPD, APD (arcata police department), EPD (eureka police department), n even the sharifs. when i deleted that entry for the santa clara police department, weren't they supposed to call UPD n tell them that everything is ok? well apparently mike was also told that several of my "friends" said that i was planning on shooting myself or someone else. the cops i talked to in santa clara had said something about me shooting myself or driving a car off a cliff, n honestly whoever gave them this idea is blatantly lying or a fucking retard. everyone knows i don't have a driver's lisence, let alone a car- who's am i supposedly driving? n all of cyn n albert's friends kno this, as well as cyn n albert, cuz that's why those two were originally going to teach me how to drive. not only that, but the only time i have EVER held a gun was in january because ALBERT took out HIS pistol  his grandpa gave him n was showing it to me. it had no bullets, no gun powder, no gun oil or whatever the fuck is required to make a gun shoot. not only that, but that was only the SECOND time i've ever even SEEN a gun other than the guns i've seen on cops carrying. why the fuck would he ever give me a gun, especially since i don't know how to use it? i don't even kno how to load the damn thing! seeing as how "friends" told them this, there is no way albert could not kno about this n i'm sure that explains why he didn't come by here this whole week. n i know that when i'm tabling tomorrow, he won't come n say hi after his class.

 

its sad because before i left for spring break, that thursday after i got all of the pictures from cyn, i was actually FEELING OK with the whole thing. i've been trying hard lately not to live with regrets, which is one of the reasons i got together w/ cyn n albert n stuck it out for the first week even tho i had doubts n kept thinking about ending things before they got too serious. n why should i regret what we had? the three of us had a lot of fun n had a lot of great times hanging out or having sex or whatever it was that we did. i mean, i'd always wanted to go down on a guy with another girl n we did that, i'd even just wanted to fool around with a girl n me n cyn did that. i had FUN n i enjoyed the relationship while it lasted. why should i regret something i enjoyed, even if i'm sad its gone? just looking at all the pictures i got from her of when the three of us were still together, it filled me with a sense of nostalgia. its over n that sux, but it was all good then.

 

then this shit with the cops started happening again. n my boss called me to make sure i was ok. n i'm sure that tomorrow all kinds of professors are gonna want to talk to me n make sure that i'm ok. n i'm sure that police officers will approach me while i'm on campus n want to talk to me. anna put it best when i called her n told her all of this a little bit ago: Be ready for anything. and its even more sad, because again today on the car ride up here with reanna i was feeling ok with things ok. so albert and i can't be romantically involved anymore. if i hold on for a few months i might be able to have him as a friend again. i might be able to trust him n talk to him n maybe we could hang out on the beach over the summer together when we need a moment to get away from bullshit like he used to offer to do, but i'd turn him down because i was nervous because i knew he liked me. it seems like just when i start feeling alright with this whole break up thing again, something else happens. n it sux, because i'm not lying when i say i'm ok. Anna told me that she thinx i'm handling the situation pretty well, which made me feel good. i'm not feeling suicidal or homicidal, but apparently the cops are hearing otherwise.

 

part of the reason why this hurts so bad is because i'm also wondering where were the cops when I needed them? where were they when i told them about daniel repeatedly raping me? weren't they supposed to go out n catch the bad guy? but oh yeah, that's right, he was under 18 so he couldn't have possibly understood the consequences of his actions against me, n even tho i told him no n even tho we'd sit n talk on AN HONEST TO GOD REGULAR BASIS about how much it hurt me n how i felt when he wouldn't stop, since he was under 18 he couldn't have possibly understood the emotional depth that i was talking about. THEY TOLD ME THIS! but some crazy bitch who's scared her husband is gonna leave her for me n some of their friends get together n say i'm gonna shoot someone n all of a sudden its time to do their fucking jobs. isn't part of ur job investigating how i'd get access to a gun if that was really an issue? do u not realize albert n some cousin who is a cop FOR THE SANTA CLARA POLICE DEPARTMENT that i haven't seen in YEARS (i think his name is carlos, i don't kno) are the only ppl i know who even own guns? n honestly, why the fuck would either of them give them to me seeing as how i don't know how to load, fire, or use them in anyway? but here i go getting upset again. the cops in santa clara wanted to take me to a sanitarium because i was getting upset when they were talking to me. no shit dumbfucks, don't u think this kind of thing would be upsetting to deal w/, too?

 

well cyn can try to fuck up my life all she wants, but after talking to anna n thinking a bit, i realize that i've lived thro worse. for example, the two years of being raped n lied to n treated like a piece of meat, and then the two years of lies, half truths, n information that was conveniently not told to me until the last minute by the santa clara police department, detectives, n even lawyers n parole officers. i talked about all of that shit w/ the law on here while it was happening my senior year of hs n my freshman year of college here at HSU. and i know deep down inside that i am stronger than this. i mean really, they don't feel like they've fucked up my life enough? get me into this relationship, get me to fall in love, dump me, lie to me, n lie to all of the ppl i once called friends to make me look like the bad guy? i seriously became a scapegoat for cyn n albert's relationship- suddently all of their problems were my fault because albert loved me n albert wouldn't stop talking to me, even tho if he really wanted to leave her, he would have done it already n him playing along w/ this shit shows that he doesn't love me. i even told him when i saw him a couple thursdays ago before i left for spring break that it really does not make logical sense for me to say that he doesn't care about me at all. obviously he cares a little or else he would not have seen me, even if it was just because he was only doing it to make me happy. but i don't care how scared he is to lose cyn, i don't kno how u could put anyone u say u love thro this kind of shit. n i know that when cyn or mara or morgan or whoever she's got spying on me reads this, they won't feel empathy, they'll just think i'm dumb n use it to fuel their fire. But i'm stronger than this ladies, n the fact that u feel the need to keep this shit up tells me that u haven't moved on either n ur not half as mature as u think u are. i still hope the rest of ur life is full of long n incredbly painful flare-ups, n i still hope that someday albert realizes he's better than some crazy bitch like u n he moves on to something better, just like he deserves.

i'm at albert's again waiting for him to come back from work. after that we're supposed to go to Eureka and do some stuff and possibly see the movie cloverfield while we're there. i'm still reacting to this whole situation similarly to the way i did when my grandma died, but last night i discovered something that brings me right back to the reality of the situation- pot. some of u may know that when i used to get stoned, it would make me think of the whole situation between me n raver jimmy that much more and that was when the reality and the pain really set in. its was the only thing that i actually felt worse about or couldn't detach from when i got stoned as opposed to, well, the opposite.

two nights ago before cyn told us that she's officially too jealous to let us stay together, which is fucking stupid because i brought up every single one of these points about jealousy, (like, "what if i moan differently in bed with him" and all that other crap) before we got together n she said it was fine, i was watching Lucky # Slevin with my new roomies, mike n stephanie and stephanie's bf justin, and we got stoned first. there's a scene in there when josh hartnett and lucy liu's characters are in bed together but they're just laying there, rolling around, laughing, talking about james bond, and having a good time. they're not just laying there after sex, they're actually talking to each other. (if u've seen the movie, u probably know what i'm talking about) the thing is, sitting there watching it...it reminded me of me and albert. how we'll just joke around and talk and hang out really afterwards, we don't just pass out and let that be the end of it, unless we're like super tired and its super late at night. it hurt so bad that i had to go call him and talk to him for a bit...that and he'd said he was going to call me and he hadn't yet, haha.

but anyway, last night when he came back we got stoned, and i showed him some music videos and funny cartoons on the internet...and then after that, i just looked at him and i just cried- and cried, and cried, and cried, and cried. i cried so much that i couldn't breath, and even after that i still couldn't stop crying. it just hit me all of a sudden. hearing cyn saying it, of course it had hurt then...i think the thing that hurt the most was when she said, "Albert is my life partner" because it only fixed it in my head that no matter how much i hope he does, albert will never come back to me...he's too clingy when it comes to love, just like me, hence why its so hard for us to let go...but yeah, the true realization that here i was, happy, had exactly what i wanted, what i've wanted my whole life, right here, is now being ripped away. albert isn't perfect, but i love the fact that he won't let me think that. nam and i had a LOT of fucking problems because he loved this idea of me thinking of him as my perfect savior, my knight in shining armor that took me away from the evils of my past and was going to pave the rest of my life with romance and happily ever afters. albert is a lot more realistic. he actually listens to me. when i cry, he holds me. i feel bad because he told me a long time ago that when he sees girls cry, even if they're crying because they're happy, he doesn't know what to do. i'm so used to ppl trying to give me bullshit advice or something when i cry, but albert doesn't do that. he just holds me, and sometimes that's all i want. i told him that i know he does that because he doesn't know what else to do, but it feels so good to have someone just do that and only that. fuck, when ppl cry in front of cyn she just sits there.

albert is also super understanding. like, when i try to talk to him about something and i explain myself afterwards, he's almost always got another experience to share that's almost just like the one i had. i really feel like he understands ME- who i am as a person, where i'm coming from, why i am the way i am, why i think the way i do. Anna is the only other person i've ever felt truly understood me inside and out, and i wonder if it will be like that with albert, too, once i tell him i have PTSD...yeah, i've decided that once we're officially broken up i'm going to tell him, and i'm gonna make him promise not to tell cyn. i don't care if they both already heard it out of gabby's fucking mouth or not, if he tells her then i'm going to tell her that albert lied to her about doing meth. plain and simple. the reason i'm going to tell him then is because i kinda see it this way: everytime i have told a non-internet friend about what my ex did to me, it ultimately fucks up the relationship. apparently its too much to ask ppl not to make rape jokes or not to watch law n order or CSI when i'm around, or to not show me movies with rape scenes in them or even just talk about the fucking subject or say the fucking word or any other shit related to it when i'm around them. i'm sure that it will be no different with albert- sure, maybe he'll be respectful of it at first, most ppl usually are unless ur a fucking dumbass like gabby- but i didn't want him to know before because i didn't want to lose him. i lost Nam because of it, n i didn't want it to happen again. i didn't want to say anything until i absolutely had to. now, however, i'm losing him anyway, so what's the point? n who fucking knows, maybe now he'll hurt me so much because of this shit n he'll truly see how crazy i am to the point that we fall out of love with each other. i already know he's gonna fall out of love with me before i do with cyn. i know he's mad at cyn for doing this to us, he really is, but like i said, he's clingy and needy for affection and attention from partners the same way i am and i'm sure he'll get over it and displace all his feelings for me back on her n that will be that...i'll be single, chasing some little fantasy like the dumb little girl i am, and he'll have moved on with life. if i start telling him those deep secrets, tho, n he can't remember that shit the way that no one else except my brother brian does, then maybe it will help rip us apart...and i'll get over him a little faster...hopefully...

i've also decided that i'm gonna give him the link to this blog afterwards, too. i've told him about it and he said semi-sarcastically that he's sad he's not one of the special ppl that get to see this blog. currently my brother is the only person that i haven't met from some website that is. but i figure that if i'm gonna tell him that, why bother not letting him see it? there's some stuff about me n raver jimmy i don't want him to know n he's gonna learn what my "one night stand's" name is, (whenever i refer to that with albert, i'm talking about ben even tho i guess technically  he's not the only one that i've had), but whatever...yeah, he can see how clingy and crazy and emotional i really am, haha...part of me thinks its a mistake, but if it doesn't bring him closer to me it will only push him away, and maybe that's what i should be wanting right now. i told him that, too, that i feel like i have nothing left to lose with him in a way because we're already breaking up and that's the thing that i didn't want to happen. i really don't want to lose him as a friend, i don't, but if its the only way we can get over each other, then so be it.

i think that's pretty much everything i wanted to say for now. i'm think i'm gonna go read for a bit or something, albert should be coming back from work soon. i don't know why i trust that dumb boy so much, but i do. i've let him do things with me in bed that i NEVER thought i'd let a guy do- blindfold me, I EVEN LET HIM HOLD MY HANDS DOWN!!! not two with one hand, tho, that still triggers me n i have to be in the mood for it, but yeah...n its not like he pressured or anything, he said he wanted to n i let him, altho i was so scared when i had the blindfold on that i almost cried...i didn't tell him that tho until afterward cuz i wanted to prove to myself that i could trust him enough to go thro with it without freaking out. i didn't tell him why, i just said it was because i didn't want him to stop, but that's really it...but yeah, i'm gonna go read or something now while i'm finishing waiting for him.

if anyone has anything else to say other than, "you guys are/were fucking idiots," i'd really appreciate seeing it, any other comments at all. i just feel so lost n alone n scared right now... :(

sex related things to do before i die:

• have sex while stoned

i don't really know what to write about, but i figure i should write something, even tho as always, when i start posting entries about how happy i am, no one comments, lol. anyway, i guess that really is all i have to talk about, is how happy i am. cyn is still back home with her family, so i've spent pretty much the whole week with albert and its been awesome. there's so many little things he does that remind me how much i love him that i can't remember them all, and at the same time he's sure to make sure i never think he's perfect. i don't mean like he acts like an asshole or anything, but its something that we've talked about. he doesn't want me to think he's perfect because he's scared that when he fucks up it'll hurt me really bad, and i told him he should be scared. anyone who really knows me knows that that's true. i've been really careful about the things that i've told him and what i've trusted him with so far because i know that if i tell him about the whole ptsd thing and if he slips up and we watch a movie with rape in it or something and he didn't tell me first, it'll be really fucking bad and to be honest, i don't have the faith in him that he'd remember that kind of thing in a movie. Nam never did. fuck, he didn't even tell me about the tree scene or the molesting in the evil dead movies! and that fucker was WITH ME when all that shit was really bad and all the symptoms developed and...yeah...so if he couldn't do it, i don't know why i should expect albert to. i mean, last night we watched American History X. it was my first time seeing it, but not is first, and there's a scene in the movie where edward norton's character is in prison and he gets ass-raped in the shower...for some reason rape scenes in movies that involve men don't get to me the way the ones with women do, probably because i'm a woman that got raped over and over, not a man, but it still bothered me and being stoned deffinately helped it not hurt me as much...but yeah, since albert doesn't know about any of that stuff i have no reason to be mad at him about that, whereas if he did i probably would be. i know logically to most ppl that probably doesn't make a whole lot of sense, but it does to my stupid crazy brain.

anyway, back to happy stuff...its funny because i have a new room mate now and i'm like never home because i've been with albert this whole time, but when cyn comes back i want to give them some alone time, especially because i'm on my period and i'm not really interested in sex right now, so i can sleep by myself and organize my room and such at home and hang out with them during the day for a while, and then when school starts i know i won't be here NEARLY as much cuz if i was then the three of us, or at least me and albert, would never get anything done. i remember when i was over here during finals, all the two of us would do is flirt and stuff, lol :P

speaking of sex... we didn't last night, but i think like three of the past six nights we've spent with each other alone we've gotten stoned and had sex. that's not the only reason we got stoned, but we'd still be stoned when we were going to bed and then we'd have sex before we went to sleep. it makes me feel so much closer to him emotionally, like i just get lost in him. its almost like i forget that he's there entirely, and then i remember. it makes for a really intense emotional experience, but its not like we need to be stoned to feel that, either. we've been having sex in the mornings, too, when we've woken up, and its still awesome and its still beautiful and its just...i mean, shit, SEX MEANS SOMETHING!! for the first time in my life, SEX MEANS SOMETHING!! it took 8 guys for me to experience it, but i'm so glad that i am now. i feel like i really know what the meaning of making love is now and i can feel it when we do it, i really can. (yeah yeah, hippy emotional bullshit, get over it.) not only that, but this is the most sex i've ever had in my life. after we first had sex we did it everyday for 5 days in a row, the most i'd ever done, and then we skipped a day, had sex again, skipped another day and then i got a UTI (urinary tract infection.) we didn't have sex for about 10 days after that because i needed the infection to go away and we seperated for the break, but after him and cyn picked me up from santa clara n we went to his parents' house in fresno, (actually its in kingsberg, but fresno's the closest big city to that), i promised i'd be quiet and we had sex then, and we've had sex at least once a day everyday since then up to yesterday because my period started. i mean, i do get really horny during my period, but there's two reasons i choose not to have sex during my period:
1) my flows are usually pretty heavy, and since i'm usually really wet during sex anyway, the two together basically over-lube my vagina so i don't really feel anything. the guys usually seem to be able to pick up enough friction to enjoy it anyway, but i barely can, and i especially can't if we're using a condom because just about all of those come already lubed, too.
2) since my flows are usually pretty heavy, (they ALWAYS were REALLY heavy before i started the pill), its just really messy to have sex on my period and i really don't feel like cleaning that shit up.

my period started yesterday morning and i hadn't noticed until we'd already had sex once because when i got off of him and took the condom off, i noticed there was some blood on it. its not that i've never bled during sex, but we weren't doing anything hard core (i was on top of him) and whenever i bleed during sex, i usually know it because, well, it hurts. usually not enough to tell the guy to stop, but enough to draw a little bit of blood. this time it didn't hurt at all, so i knew it was probably just my period. i told albert that i thought it had started and we just cuddled in bed naked for a while...which turned into grinding...which turned into some discussion as to whether or not we should have sex again. i really wanted to, but the problem was that even tho my period had just started, i could already feel that i was wet enough that if we used a condom, i'd be lucky if i felt anything. however, if we didn't use a condom, could i trust that albert would be able to pull out before he climaxed?

we layed there and talked about it and why i'm not sure i'm ready to have a guy cum in my vagina yet and such, and ultimately i decided that it was ok to have sex without a condom and if he didn't manage to pull out before cumming that i would be ok with it, but i really really wanted him to try. he said ok, and then we started having sex in the spooning position.

now its time for me to back up a little bit and explain a couple things. first off, albert has a lot of piercings. if i ever get around to posting a picture of him and cyn, you'll see that. the thing is, they're not just in his face. he also has his nipples pierced, two scrotal rings, and yes, albert has a prince albert, or PA. this is the piercing that goes from the underside of the head where the foreskin connects to it and into the urethra and then out, (i'm sure if u do a google image search, u'll see one). so yes, my boyfriend has a ring on the end of his cock that i've had an interesting time getting used to when i give him head. it was kind of annoying at first, but i'm starting to learn how to play with it now and stuff, which is pretty much the reason why he got it in the first place. the thing is, the only time albert and i had had sex with out a condom up to this point was when we did anal for the first time a couple mornings ago, and yeah, i could feel his ring and it kind of hurt. (we showered after that to make sure his piercing was clean and everything.) so secondly, yesterday morning was the first time i had sex with albert without a condom. sure, i am on birth control, but we get condoms from planned parenthood for free and i like the extra caution. i know i wouldn't enjoy sex as much if i was always worried that i was pregnant, and i've been especially worried about it this month because 1) my pills came a week late so i started this new pack a week late and because 2) the antibiotics from my UTI make the pill not work. i figured tho that because my period had now started, but would be ok not to use a condom especially if he pulled out. i know that it's possible for a girl to get pregnant while she's on her period, (and if u didn't know that, yes its true), and i know its possible to get pregnant even using the "pull out method," but i figure that if i use that with the pill then i'm probably ok.

and it was weird.

we actually ended up having sex twice- the first time he jizzed on my back, the second time on my stomach- and i could feel his ring the whole fucking time. i'd never felt it before because i guess the condom just makes it feel like its another part of his cock, but as wet as i was, i could tell what that damn thing was and where it was. and it was really weird. i'm not sure if i like the way it feels or not...it kinda hurt, but it kinda didn't at the same time. i had the same experience with it when we did anal, except then i couldn't feel it as well. i didn't think i'd be able to feel it, i have no idea why, but i just didn't. i told albert all this sometime afterward, and he said that the first time him and cyn had sex without a condom when it was fully healed, they did it doggy style and, "ooooooohhhh did she fall in love with me all over again." XD and yes, we did shower afterwards to clean ourselves up and again to make sure his piercings were all nice and clean. we didn't have sex this morning even tho we did want to cuz i didn't want to make a mess, (we actually did get a little blood on the sheets yesterday :/), and we didn't have enough time to do it in the shower before he had to go to work. he said maybe when he gets back, but we'll see, lol.

right now i'm at his apartment because i'm a dumbass and i can't find cyn's spare key that he let me borrow so i can leave and lock the door when i do. when he gets back here he needs to clean the place for cyn anyway, so after that i can go and clean up some shit around my place and then i can come back and hang out  here again. i kinda wanna sleep in my own bed tonight, but like i said, i also want to give him and cyn some alone time themselves so maybe i'll wait until tomorrow night to sleep by myself. its not that i don't love him, its just that sometimes u need time to yourself, u know? n hopefully he won't be too mad at me about that key...:/

hello everyone, i just thought i would stop by and say hi. i still don't have internet at my place and i'm not sure when i'm going to. i still haven't been able to get a job and i'm in desperate need of one. i have very little money left n i still need to feed myself, pay rent/bills and so on. Carl's Jr. hired someone else, my schedule doesn't work w/ Motel 6, i haven't heard n e thing from APD and i was gonna call Daybreak Cafe today. all the other places i saw in town that are hiring are also hiring for shifts that are when i have class. i was gonna look in the newspaper when i got home today n i'm still planning on going to the career center when it opens again.

 

other than that ive still had a lot of thoughts on my mind. i don't know why these memories have been coming back to me like this so strongly recently. maybe its a sign? maybe its just another piece of the healing process. i don't know and i deffinately don't understand it. its strange because even tho its been almost two years i'm still used to having a guy around that i can talk to about these things, someone to hold me and love me even tho all these things are wrong with me and when i get like this i want that again so badly, i want that again so fucking badly. is that what i need? probably not. but what we need and what we want is not always the same thing, and at times its difficult to say which is better...or maybe that's not true n i'm just telling myself that to make myself feel better, to justify these wants. Its times like this i wish i could cut that piece of my heart that loves out. i just realized that it was 4 years ago today i lost my virginity. some say it was rape, some say not, i don't know.

 

...n i saw a new pic of jimmy today. u'd think that its been a while now n i'd be ok, but no, seeing it just reminded me of how much of a fucker and a liar and a cold-hearted bastard he is n just...FUCK! GAH!! I WANNA BREAK IS FUCKING FACE SO FUCKING BAD, MAKE HIM HURT THE WAY HE'S FUCKING MADE ME HURT!!! FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK!!!! i wish i could let go, i wish i could let go of all my hate and all my anger and just LEARN, but no, i have to hold onto these things cuz its the only way that i can. at the same time i know that all this anger is the only thing that's kept me alive, but i still wonder if its really fucking worth it. is it really worth it to hurt so badly all the time, to see someone doing what they said they'd let u do with them and remembering how they went back on their word n remembering that they're such a fucking pussy that they didn't even fucking tell u or try to talk to u n just GAH!!!! ITS MEN!!! FUCK MEN FUCK MEN!!!! i honestly just don't know what to do. its not men its LIFE!!! ITS LIFE IS FUCKING LIFE!!!! but what can i do? what can i do other than kill myself? i still wonder why i don't want to do it. sometimes i think about it but sometimes its that fucking dumbshit in me that keeps me hoping, and that hope, the one that's going to blow up in my face and leave me devistated and wishing for death is the only other thing that keeps me alive.