OMG!  Have you ever wanted to punch an old person.  If I had, would I have ever been able to justify my actions...  So, here I am leaving the grocery store, for about the third time this week, and of course it's raining as we are headed out the door.  Not that heavy down pour of fat rain or the sprinkling of a mist but a nice. steady. rain.  Enough to worry about my 6 month old being drenched on our walk back to the car.  And of course, due to the rain, traffic seems a little thicker... friends and family dropping off there loved ones at the door to head into work or just to run in and grab milk or bread.  A line prceeds to gather as we leave.  Ahead of us a spanish family...  at least two children old enough to walk themselves as their mother guides them accross the street and the father following from behind with an overloaded grocery cart.  They pause as two or three cars are driving past the exit.  Here we are piling up one by one in the ever so convenient cattle corral of an exit.  I am to follow next with my 6 month old, still in his carrier, in the cart, and my 5 year old holding the cart at the side, to my right.  As we proceed to wait for the family in front of us, a line gathers behind us, consisting of an old man behind me and a young blonde woman behind him.  Beyond that I didn't really pay much attention to those gathering behind us.  The L shape corridor of glass doors seem to keep everyone in line.  My 5 year old is actually being quiet and patient as we wait those few seconds for the Spanards to cross the road into the parking lot.  I am ever thankful for this I must admit but this could have been the demise of the situation to follow.  If he was carrying on he might of saved himself by making his presence known.  My 5 year is of the leaner breed of child.  Average height.  And barely enough meat on his bones to keep his pants from falling to his ankles.  So as we wait I begin to adjust the baby blanket on my 6 month olds carrier, to keep my precious son from the rain... knowing he may melt if touched by random rain drops.  As I start this process of struggling with a 6 month old to drape a blanket over top of the carrier like a tent, because of course he has to grab the blankie every time if falls just right.  I believe he views such actions as a game, only to be revealed by the silly grin of giggles he wears on his face through this process.  I start to push forward as the Spanards are now crossing the road towards the parking lot.  I push free of the shiny metal corralling rails at my sides and inch my cart towards the garbage can on the left to wrestle the blanket back from the baby as my 5 year old follows.  Letting go of the cart momentarily he tries to make sense of my tactical move, which he recovers quite quickly from, and as he goes to grab back onto the security of the shopping cart for guidance, he is NAILED by the shopping cart of the old man waiting so patiently behind us.  I am shocked and uphaled by this action and try to brush it off as an accident, for these events do occur.  As I grasp for his hand to help him up from the concrete slab of a sidewalk, he stares at me, with tears whelling up in his eyes in shock thinking what could of only been, "What the fuck was that?"  If I was to read his thoughts that would be my best guess.  I try to consloe him and state that it was just an accident, it was ok and to get up and mom would make it better.  I honestly tried to make light of the situation and would have if the following events did not occur.  As my son is trying to regain his barrings the old man pulls his cart back, which I thought at the time to be a gesture of OOOPS, lets give this child some room to get up.  He then BLASTS my child for the second time.  I felt as if I was watching a moose pummel and pedestrian like you see on TV.  My son was so far underneath the fucking cart the bottom rack of the cart was up to his thighs.  So infuriated by what has now occured, I then grab the old mans shopping cart and shove him and his cart into the corral and start dropping F Bombs left and right.  Screaming that not only did he hit him the first time, but he proceeded to back up and tried to drive over my son to get past.  I must have looked like a crazy lady at that very moment that it actually makes me laugh everytime I think about my response.  People who were unaware of what had just occured were starring at me like I was a circus event.  A freak show for sure.  I lost it!  TO SAY THE LEAST!  To boot the shopping cart had practically nothing in it.  So the old mans vision was not hindered by the bulk of groceries that often times happen.  He had a half of dozen eggs & a half gallon of milk for at that point who knows if you would live long enough to finish a whole dozen eggs or a whole gallon of milk.  And his shriveled stomach probably didn't need a high intake besides.  The best part was that he had a knitted purple hat that was rolled up into a beanie shape on the top of his seventy or so year old head.  He had practically no hair  and how that hat stayed on top of his head as I was shoving him into the railing I have no idea... it must have been groved into his head from years of wear.  I finally regain some sort of sanity and picked my 5 year old up off the pavement.  He is hysterical and asking me, "Why did he do that?... What did I do wrong?"  He thought he might of deserved it for a second it seemed.  I continued to curse the old man all the way to the car and made sure he pulled away in his vehicle first, fearing the fact the he couldn't drive a shopping cart properly but yet he still had a license.  I laugh about what occured now but I tell you what I've never wanted to punch somebody so badly in my entire life.  I didn't care that he was an old man.  I just wanted to punch him.  So the next time you see a crazy lady screaming at the grocery store, think of me, and look to see if there is an old man with a purple beanie on his head.  It really is quite the look and worth a second glance. 

You know what bugs me?

I have a friend, you know, I care about the guy but in all honesty, he isn't the sharpest knife in the drawer. He is self-centered and self-absorbed as well.

He met this girl when they where in high school, in grade 10 and she falls in love with him and they start to date, and she gives her life to him. They seem like a perfect match, they are both attractive people, but she is much deeper than him, she is much more understanding and more thoughtful.

They spend a while together, 10 years and they are still going out. He cheats on her; she finds out and forgives him. Time goes on and he cheats again and she goes into denial, actually saying to me, if I tell her he did cheat, she would believe it. I basically tell her I can’t get involved but I did say to her I am pretty sure she knew the answer already anyway. She picked to not believe it, although, I think she knew it was true but it was just easier to deal with it this way.

At one point, I was having a conversation with him, and basically he was saying that he would never buy his girlfriend a dildo because he is afraid to LOSE her to it! He honestly said, “If she had that, what would she need me for?” I remember thinking, is this guy for real? I had to try and explain it to him why she would still want to be with him if she had a dildo. In the end, he still didn’t get it, he couldn’t see her still wanting or needing him if she just had a fake penis to play with.

He told me once to that he didn’t find her attractive at all. I mean, she is very good looking if you ask me, she is dirty blond and she has a slim build, she is a beautiful woman in the stereo-typical fashion but he doesn’t find her attractive and still just kept spending his life with her.

More time has gone on, and it is over 20 years they have been together, they are married now and have two kids.

I went to visit them yesterday and he wanted to go buy some stuff for his truck, I went with him and he spends $150 bucks on his truck for basically junk, and gets a $10 gift card and says ‘OH, yeah, it’s Nat’s birthday today and I haven’t got her anything yet” It is about 12 noon at this point. I am shocked, he has this woman that loves him no matter what, unconditionally, and he wants to give her this free reward card for her birthday, after spending a huge amount of cash on his truck.

I have to explain to him, the card says it has to be used in only 5 days, how is she going to feel when she sees all these posters saying ‘SPEND $150 dollars or more and get a FREE $10 gift card!” Fail? I think so.

SO, I talked him out of that, and he really has no idea what to get her. I have to say, dude, I am sure she has been talking a lot about something, woman usually drop hints when it is close to their birthday. OHHH YEAHH, then it dawns on him, she has been talking a lot about wanting a jewellery box lately!

Off we go to find one, and I see this cute little nick-nack store and we look in there. $120, $180, he says there is NO way he is spending that kind of money for something like that, for her. Remember, he just spent $150 on his damn TRUCK! I basically find this little one and he loves it, it is $11 bucks, perfect he says! It has a spot on top to put a 4x7 photo and I say, buy two romantic cards and cut one and put it in the photo frame on the top of the box. He is looking threw and is asking me to pick the cards for his wife who he has been with for over 20 years now.

I pick two, the one for the box has a picture of a flower garden and says. “Love is just the start” He says, I don’t get it? I say, just buy the damn thing and let put it in and wrap it up.

He asked me to stay for supper, I told him, this is suppose to be for the two of you, but he says that his kids will be there and stuff, so I stay. He gives her the gift and she totally loves it, btw, under $20 for it all with both cards. Money is not what matters, it is the thought that counts, too bad it is MY FUCKING THOUGHTS!

Love. The one thing the people in my life seem to forget.

Maybe it's their lack of knowledge, or maybe it's me.

I don't understand it though; I'm nice, friendly, I listen and I help.

Why me?

Why does it seem like everybody takes their anger out on me?

What did I do to deserve this? I honestly have no idea.

If in some way, I did do something, it would be nice if people told me,

Instead of just seeking the poisonous pleasure of sweet revenge.

For the moment, confinement between my flourescent walls is my haven.

It pains me to know that one step away can bring me to tears.

The same tears that hide from others.

Full of emotion and confusion that I'm sure will explode with time.

How much is uncertain.

For the last little while, with no one to rely on, I share my life with a pen and paper;

Paper shows no emotion, no love.

But, then again, it's no different from the people I know around me, or at least i though I knew.

The one thing I want to accomplish in life is to find someone who truly understands me, inside and out.

Someone who understands that my life isn't a sweet cup of tea.

Someone who I can trust with ease.

Someone who will share the pain of my past.

Someone who will love me as an equal.

The same someone who will be my friend, family, teacher, student, adviser;

my everything all at once.

Someone who will appreciate my idividuality and quietness, my creativity and mind. Someone who is comfortable to be themself, and allows me to be me;

To believe what I want, to think how I want to be who I was, is and forever will be.

To find this person, it might take a lifetime, or no time at all.

I have no idea who it is, or where they may be.

All I know, is that there is someone.

Somewhere.

The one thing about keeping to yourself, is that no one knows what's on in the inside, the true you.

They assume it's life through rose-coloured glasses.

What they don't know is that if they care enough, enough to remove the glasses, they find the tears that longed so much to escape.

The tears that were kept on the inside.

Not only can they see them, but the fact that they cared enought to remove the glasses, helps them to feel them.

Now, the question is,

Do you care?