Rant @ MindSay

Please grant me this rant today. Judge me how you will…I do not care.
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Yes I will bitch about men. BUT not all men, just the ones I am about to describe. If you read this and agree with me, you are one of the good ones. If you read this, do not identify specifically but feel offended as a man…I am sorry, but you are too sensitive as well. On the other hand if you identify with what I will describe below and think I am a ‘diffcult woman’….then I guaranty you women think the same as me…they just are not saying it. You need social help.
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OK so everyone says dating is harsh and we set our expectations too high. I am in a online dating pĥase which will be very short. This is vanilla dating, not bdsm. But I am seeing it and judging it with bdsm dominant eyes. Some may call me a snob…but it seems I just refuse to let go basic expectations. Judge for yourself:
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So I agreed to meet someone today. Someone I knew very well had a very different background then me and whom I was pretty sure I would not click with. But hey you never know and worse case I figured we would have had a nice meal. MSN chats were amusing enough. Well….how wrong I was! I was immediately stuck by his crudeness and lack of social dating skills. I just sat in his car. On the short drive to the restaurant he managed to make fun of everything I said in some way or another. He made fun of where I live, he made fun of me, he made fun of my interests and he made fun of blonds (I am a natural blond). Everything was dripping with sarcasm. We parked and I already was CRISP with tension. I was seriously hesitating to get up and leave. I shut down like clam. Then he complained about my choice of seating, complained about the menu, made fun of my interest again several times.
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The waitress came to take our order. I said in a clearly irritated voice the only thing I was going to have was a cup of coffee and nothing else. I think she picked up on it. He was left confused and decided to not order food either. I looked at him and I said bluntly this was obviously not going to work and I was off after the coffee. He was totally startled and disagreed with my reasons of him being crass and poking fun at me at every turn. He called it normal humor. He said he assumed this was a casual meeting without expectations.
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Ah sorry? I had none either, I had actually lowered my expectations. Last time I checked when you meet a stranger its social etiquette to be on polite and good behavior? Like not insulting my gender or the intelligence of my hair color as you meet me? I am suppose to not be affected by that? Anyways he stopped the jokes, we had a coffee…I let him talk cause I could not care and I did not even let him drop me off anywhere I said bye right there. There was a lot more I cannot mention here but my overall impression was a representation of a low class uneducated, set in his ways guy. The worse part is online he said he needed a woman with intelligence and a head on her shoulders. He seems to have forgotten one little detail: if he wants a woman like that he should be able to bring intellect to the table too. Am I a snob in this case? Should I lower my expectations here?
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Unfortunately this is not the only bad experience of my last meetings. I did the online dating thing a lot 4 years ago and although I did not click with all they had proper social skills. This time…it plummeted down the drain. Again am I a snob for complaining that the 5 last guys I met:
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- 2 had obvious stains on their t-shirt.

- 4 where underdressed, I am talking high mileage very casual clothes. 2 looked like they arrived from the gym.  Only 1 was well dressed.

- 1 I had to tell him to stop talking with his mouth full

- 2 swore like sailors

- 2 repulsed me with the quantity of food the comsumed and the horrible table etiquette. One ordered tzatiki and hoovered it in big globs pushing it off the service plate towards me.

- 1 never ever asked me a single question about me or let me express my opinion.
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Let me tell you though they may not have known I was a webcam girls but man did they listen to me tell them exactly what I thought. I do not hold back anymore for such things. I don,t make a scene but I do not let them get away with such unpolite behavior. So, what do you think? Am I being to difficult? And yes all of them seemed nice online. I am exasperated. I really don’t understand because I have plenty of male friends in all walks of life and they all know how to behave. There must be some like them online? Where are you? This webcam tube?

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This depression lapse is really starting to piss me off.
Whatever I feel though, it's doubled, perhaps even tripled when I'm at college. Because when I'm at home, I don't stand the risk of being bullied or being judged - even the comments mam makes aren't as bad as the ones I'd get at college. Yes, my mam does have the power to make me want to instantly want to cut myself, but when I'm at college - I don't have my chance to slink off and do so. Even if I do carry around my staple remover or a blade with me, it's only a comfort - it's never really safe to use it in college. It's there for emergencies though, if I ever do need it that badly.

Media Studies kicked off the day by depressing me. Mondays are coursework "planning" and "researching" lessons. I've already researched my chosen topic. I know so much about Rammstein, having been a die-hard fan for 5 years and completing 3 educational projects on them beforehand. I've already planned my production. 3/4 of the script is written and all the location, camera and costume notes are saved. I still haven't discussed it fully with Ash... I am really scared of her response. I never like to share ideas with Ash. Even if she doesn't reject them - I always think she's resenting her agreement, either that or she's biting her tongue. Fair enough, Ash is virtually perfect - in every area that I'm not, anyway...

In my break, I ate a bag of cheddar and onion McCoys, a sausage bun and drank 3/4 of a bottle of water. I'd forgotten to bring my bottle out of the fridge, so I ended up buying them. Finally though, water is economically priced in college. Bottled water should be no more than 50p.

English was cancelled - and we were supposed to find slagface Sue to give us our work - but we couldn't find her. So after hanging about for a pointless 20 minutes and resenting talking to the rest of the arseholes who were waiting with me - except Sefeena of course, she's sound - I went back downstairs. I couldn't be arsed going in the LRC, so I ended up listening to Lisa and playing the odd few games of Solitaire.

I'd wanted to do something today, but I didn't end up doing it.
I wanted to write a letter, sort of - basically a confessional letter adressed to mainly Shelly, but would have areas relevent to maybe Ash and Adam. Basically outlining how I feel right now.
This depression lapse is the worst one I've had yet - but what's pissing me off the most is the fact I DON'T KNOW WHAT CAUSED IT...

When Shelly came, we weren't excactly close. She was holding my hand and trying to console me, but I refused to kiss her or cuddle up to her. She thought it was because it was her - but it wasn't. I wasn't in the mood to show affection full stop. I didn't care that we were in college - I'm starting to get over my sexuality. Well, I was never uncomfortable with it anyway. I wouldn't care if I groped Shelly's boobs and snogged her face off infront of a crowd of 50,000 - I just can't understand why people use the word "lesbian" as an insult.
I can understand them calling me "fat" as an insult, because being fat isn't exactly a good thing. It's a danger to your health - but being a lesbian isn't.

I ended up shouting at her in Photography because she fucked me off. She did her usual trick of treating me like I'm stupid. Reality check for her - I have three A* grades, she doesn't have any.
And what annoyed me the most was that it was over the most trivial of things - she didn't think I knew that the fact I was mashing the F5 button caused the page to reset.
WELL FUCKING NOR. I'D REALLY SIT THERE AND MASH A RANDOM BUTTON HOPING SOMETHING WOULD HAPPEN.

So she went to the other side of the room. Didn't bother me none, I had Lisa.
Paul came over - but I was deliberatley rude to him. When he started talking about my ideas, my responses were the usual, but my tone said differently.
I hate getting ideas now. The problem is - they're all fucking mint - but they're all going to be either wasted, or not used to their full potential - and the results will turn out shit.

I bought a new sketchbook - fucking beasty A3 one - and that was a cunt to carry back to the bus station.
I did about 3/4 of the first page - writing an epic introductory wankery paragraph.
(I seem to do a lot of things 3/4 today.)

Although now I'm home, I still feel depressed - but nowhere near as bad as I was all day.
The bruise from Tuesday has proper come up. It's huge. It's like 5 inches wide - and it's bright yellow. Mam made the comment: "well you have big calves, so it must be a big bruise" - well nor, I'd look a bit stupid being a size 18, 13-14 stone and having SMALL CALVES to compare to a rounded body. Stupid cow.

Pray tell, you self-centred twat - why do I need to know this?
I didn't like him anyway. I know it wasn't you who pushed me away from everyone else on there, but you know exactly how I feel about the entire group. I barely even talk to you now - why the fuck do you message me for the first time in weeks (btw, you totally forgot about my 18th birthday last week, and Lisa remembered, you didn't) - just to tell me that your long-distance boyfriend has just left?
It would have been mean of me to say that I hope it was the last time he left and he never came back - you're a fucking idiot for having a long distance romance - where's the fucking connection?
Oh yeah, that's right - it's a fucking MODEM connection.

What's the point? You can't hug, you can't kiss and you can't even hear or see each other - you've been "dating" online for how long? Absolute retards.
I don't message people for the first time in months just to let them know I've finished having sex with my girlfriend. Why would I do that? You wouldn't care - and I certainly don't give a shit about your love life - or make that, online conversations.

So I joined what I thought was an empowerment,  love-your-body group on Facebook called, "Large, Curvy, Voluptuous. Whatever You Want to Call me I'm Still Sexy" (long title huh?) I truly believe the woman who started the group wanted it to about loving our bodies because she said she was inspired by another group called Full-figured Celebs We Love. 

Anyway, as soon as I joined the group and posted a picture of myself I got friend requests from a bunch of perverts with Fat Girl fetishes.  I am not the kind of person who gets all high and mighty when it comes to a guy complementing me and Lord knows I am no prude, but "I love ur big tits" is NOT a compliment!  Further more, I always make sure my marital status is on my profile.   To combat this, I posted another picture of my husband and me together.  Do you think the perverts stopped with their comments?  NOPE! To make matters worse about 90 percent of the women who posted their pictures posted provocative pictures of them in sexy costumes and lingerie.

Now some of you will probably think, "Well don't post pics that show off your boobs!"  My response is, there aren't many pictures of me that don't! If I wore a turtleneck they'd still be noticeable and I don't like wearing baggy, shapeless clothes because they make me look like a king sized mattress.

I guess I feel bad that Steph started a group with good intentions and it ended up being another BBW fetish group. *sigh*