Randomaiz @ MindSay 
Smoke Gets In My Eyes
Hi Triana:
Dad passed away last 8 July. Didn't tell you right away because I don't want to give you sad thoughts when you seemed happy when we 'texted' last week.
I missed my father terribly but I've started wearing a happy face when I went back to work and I quit arguing with a friend who annoyed me (I'm über annoyed with TV shows featuring liver cancer, cardiacs, oxygen tanks, CTscan, etc.) with "Buti naman okay ka na. Kaya mo naman yan eh." As if it was my fault that I wasn't in a happy disposition then. Being okay is relative and asking someone if he/she is okay is the most indifferent thing you could do for them. Hearing 'kaya mo naman yan eh' was the most uncaring statement I've ever received from someone I was expecting to understand better because we've been through a lot. I tactlessly replied, "You don't know what we went through in the week that passed." I stifled my cry in from of my mom and sister because somehow, even without anyone telling me, I knew that someone needs to stay solid. I tried my best to look tough even though I'm crushed inside and out.
At one point, I intended not to break the sad news to most people I know until it was over. I know how people avoid sad news. Somehow, the containment helped me remain stoic. I didn't want too much attention, especially "awa" and at one point, I didn't want to hear people telling me that they're sorry. I think it's never the appropriate word (and with that said, I don't know what the reply back should be). Should I thank you because you're sorry? Or should I forgive you because you felt sorry over an unexplained guilt? But please, don't get me wrong, I appreciate all the concern extended to me by all means.
When Elen mentioned to me that, "Naalala ko nung magkasama tayo sa LP. Kausap mo yung tatay mo nun kasi pupuntahan ka nya para igawa ng cabinet From then, alam kong di lang kayo mag-ama, mas malalim pa." This actually made me cry. My father actually, went hell and back just to make sure I'd get what I'd need.
A day after my father was moved to ICU, we broke the hospital rule enabling me to sneak inside the ICU. Although unconscious, I saw him literally catching his breath like a fish out of water, with too many needles on both arms. Father was hurting, and I can't do anything to reduce his pain. I kissed him not only once, but several times. Before I left, I gave him a long kiss because I miss him and it hurts too seeing him that way.
When I went out of the ICU, the doctor specifically mentioned that there is nothing that they could do. Low BP. A severe case of Hepatoma. High bloodsugar. We need a miracle to get dad out the ICU and have his BP stabilize. How do you expect me to tell mom about his condition?
When I got home, of course, I lied to her. I told her I didn't see him. And that he seemed fine and we'll just have to wait for his BP to stabilize so we could proceed to surgery. Of without sleep and dying hope, I dismissed queries with the lamest excuse I could think of. "Masakit ulo ko. Maliligo lang ako."
Shower for outburst. And the douche wept with me. I wept and hoped noone would notice me. I went away, took a bus ride to cry some more because I was crushed. Because, as what I've told before, I know I'm not strong enough and not much of help but then I have to be strong (or at least look like it) to accept everything and make things look whole for my mom and sisters.
As Kenneth puts it, Acceptance though a bit too far is on its way. In time, it will need to have some room in my heart to accept that Tatay, although I love him (and he loves me too!) needs to let go of my hand for me to learn what it means to fly on my own.
chillout, Aiz
Breaking it to her gently
The very same day that we accompanied mom to the hospital to check my dad out, my mom hated me a bit for the lies.
"Alam mo na pala. Ni hindi nyo man lang kasi ako pinapunta, hindi ko tuloy nabantayan," she lamented because we restricted her visits as it might be risky for her own health.
"Hindi naman sa ganun, 'nay. Naisip ka lang din naman namin, kung hindi ba, sa tingin mo kakayanin mo ng ganito lang?" This was when I cried in front of her after days of resistance to emotional outburst, whatever I said didn't make sense, but what my point then was that we wanted to control the situation and make it less painful for her even if we don't really know how to make a heavy situation seem lighter.
My mom was the strongest woman I've ever lived with but 40 years is considerably a long period of partnership to beat. God knows how they struggled to keep all the kids well-kept and sheltered.
Haiz, I promise not to let my mom down, dad.
Paint Me Some Light and Shadows
finally, i found some time to hold my brushes and pallette. now, i need more time to figure out how to finish the underpaint.
finally, i found some time to hold my brushes and pallette. now, i need more time to figure out how to finish the underpaint.
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