Rancette @ MindSay 
britney spears
[by phone]
R: So you're with Tom Cruise?
KH: Yes, aren't I the luckiest girl in the world?!
R: I don't know, isn't he gay?
KH: NO! You are sadly mistaken. I know the wonderful truth, firsthand.
R: Please don't go into detail. But you don't really want lesbian rumors going on about you, do you?
KH: Oh no. Can't everyone tell how straight I am? Besides, I've been in love with Tom Cruise since I was a little girl.
R: Right, I read that. "Psycho Fan Makes Good."
KH: Oh no. I'm not a psycho fan. The best part is how I worked so hard to get where I am now. This was all in my plan to someday marry Tom Cruise.
R: Whoa whoa whoa, slow down! You aren't married yet.
KH: Well, gosh, no, but we will be. Exclamation mark! [sic]
R: Um ok. so tell me, no interference from Nic?
KH: Who?
R: Um, I'm assuming since you're a psycho Tom Cruise fan you've seen Far and Away and Eyes Wide Shut.
KH: Ohhhhh, you mean Nicooooole. His EX. Emphasis on the word EX. you know what I mean?
R: I heard that the reason Tom & Penelope Cruz broke up was because he was still over-friendly with Nic. I mean Nicole.
KH: Yeah, I mean you know they have to have a reason to tell the newspapers and mags and stuff, but really, I haven't even met Nic yet.
R: So when Nic comes into the pic will you get jealous? What if you're afraid he likes her more than you.
KH: Oh no no no, you don't understand. Nicole will never stand in the way of our love. I mean Tom would never like even call Nicole.
[background noise]
KH (to Tom): Honey, who is that on the phone? (to R) uh huh, excuse me, he was just talking to his mother.
R: I would check the number to make sure it's not his ex if you know what I mean.
KH: Penelope? No, he doesn't talk to her. She has the HOT Matthew McConaghey.
R: No, I mean he's probably talking to Nicole.
KH: Oh my gosh, like why would he do that?
R: So I have a couple more questions.
KH (to Tom): Oh that's so cute, I like how you kissed your mom over the phone. But that kinda was too drooly for your momma, wasn't it?
R: Um, Katie, I just wanted to ask about when you were 40, and he was 60.
KH: OHhh gross, I didn't think about that. Well, you know, right off the bat, I mean I think that you know, that um, well, let's see. ok? By then, Demi will probably be 60. and then Ashton will probably be tired of her, so maybe I can hook up with Ashton and I can leave Tom and it'll be all good. We'll have had a nice, happy marriage and he'll die or I'll like divorce him. I mean it will be sad to see him go, but it'll be sadder to see him grow old.
R: Uh, I see. Well thank you it was nice talking to you.
KH (to Tom): What the @#*&?! That wasn't your mother? That was Nicole!!! You no good mother*#(@&$* son of a #*$& you $*(*##
[Phone line goes dead]
THE END
blognapped from sandyquill
Allison /Rancette's Aliases
Your fashion designer name is Allison Paris
Your socialite name is Essie Los Angeles
Your fly girl / guy name is A Ran
Your detective name is Penguin Nada
Your barfly name is Tuna Cosmo
Your soap opera name is Courtney Smoketree
Your rock star name is Godiva Panther
Your Star Wars name is Allemm Rang-g
Your punk rock band name is The Angry Moon
The Amazing Meganame Generator
Brad: Thanks.
R: But since you and I both know you’re not much of an actor, let’s talk about the women in your life.
B: Yeah, Jack Nicholson is totally going to kick my a**.
R: So the tabloids say you’re getting back with Jen.
B: Who?
R: Aniston. Jennifer Aniston.
B: Rubbish.
R: Late night phone calls?
B: Well, only a few. But that doesn’t mean we’re getting back together.
R: So what have you been talking about?
B: Old times. Once she broke up with Vince Vaughn, I used to call her to console her. Now that Angie’s had the baby and she’s bitching about everything, it’s great to talk to Jen and she’s so nice and she’ll always say the sweetest things to me.
R: So you’re not going to leave Angelina?
B: Heck, no. I mean, Jen’s a great distraction. But Angelina and I have a kid now. Shangrila or something.
R: What?
B: The kid’s name.
R: Shiloh?
B: Yeah, I can’t keep these kids’ names straight. And Maddox and Zappa Unit One.
R: Zahara?
B: Yeah.
R: Zahara’s a nice name.
B: You know it is. It’s just hard to remember. And when we have another kid…
R: So Angelina IS pregnant?
B: Yeah. She pulled a Britney on me. Getting pregnant right after having a baby.
R: Uh oh, if your storyline follows Britney’s, you and Angie will split right after baby #2.
B: Yeah, but Angie and I aren’t married like Brit and Kev were. And technically this is baby #4. You know, adopted children count too.
R: Whatever. So you said you’re going to kick Jack Nicholson’s a**?
B: No, he’s going to kick my a**.
R: You know it’s funny. The week after The Departed was released, he fell and broke a rib. He looks tough on screen, but you could totally kick his a** in real life.
B: Baby, this is real life. I’m playing it cool with Angelina and I have a real live Golden Globe nomination for Babel.
R: Next stop Oscar-ville?
B: Totally.
R: Who are you going to bring to the Oscars, Jen or Angelina?
B: I’m thinking, my mother. That’s who Kevin Spacey brought to the Oscars and he won.
R: Interesting thinking. You need all the help you can get though. I hope that strategy works for you.
B: I really need this Oscar. Angie has one so I want one too.
R: I see. Maybe you should adopt a child of your own and name it too. Shangrila was a very interesting name that you came up with.
B: Rancette, the name’s Shiloh. And Shiloh wasn’t adopted. She’s our own flesh and blood. One day she’ll be an actress of Oscar winning parents.
R: You haven’t gotten the Oscar yet. You haven’t even gotten the Golden Globe yet.
B: Just wait and see.
TO BE CONTINUED…
Sofia: Yes!
Rancette: I'd like to talk about your new film Marie-Antoinette.
S: It's not really my film. I mean, I'm just the director.
R: Are you not taking responsibility for its failing then?
S: I'm actually just really humble and I think a movie is a collective effort. I mean, it's a tragedy that people aren't responding to this. I mean, it's a great film.
R: It's "apolitical". Explain why you chose to not get into the gritty details.
S: Well, I really wanted to have fun with this movie. I didn't want to have to do research, because after I'm stuck at the library for so long, I tend to lose interest in a project. I wanted this film to be fresh and exciting.
R: Apparently, it's too "fresh".
S: Well, whatever. The reviewers are just jealous, because their father isn't Francis Ford Coppola, so they'll never be able to make it in the film industry.
R: True, but hasn't being Francis' daughter had some set backs?
S: Not really. I have had it pretty easy.
R: Don't you think you're being unfairly attacked for your movie? That they're just trying to undermine you, because you've reached where you are through no hard work of your own?
S: True they're jealous of me for being Francis' daughter. Untrue that I haven't worked hard. I mean, it's a bitch working with Kirsten now that she's famous. But I mean she has star power, and I want my movie to sell tickets! That'll make it easier to fund my next movie. But I mean, I totally understand Marie-Antoinette. That's why I made this film.
R: What do you understand?
S: Oh, I dunno, just that she was a rich girl like me and came to a place of power... and I mean, I feel like Marie-Antoinette sometimes. They're dissing my movie and all I want to do is free France. Oh no wait, that was Joan of Arc. What was that famous line of Marie-Antoinette's again? Something about eating cake. Oh, well you know what I mean. It was so fun working on this feature. Maybe I'll do another French film sometime. No matter what anyone says, they love me. People will see my film. Even if it's crap. That's what I love about Hollywood and being a Coppola!
Lindsay Lohan: Yeah, I mean, do you know how hard it's been to get an interview with you?
R: Since I'm not busy in my career right now, and neither are you, it seems like now would be the perfect opportunity.
LL: Gosh, yeah all the drama has died down, finally.
R: Thanks to you.
LL: Yeah, well...
R: I want to take this opportunity to thank you for your tribute to Robert Altman delivered by text message.
LL: Yeah, there was like a misspelling in it and people were all mad.
R: Did you feel happy that you were in his last film?
LL: I mean, like, I wish he coulda made a lot more. I hoped he'd live to 90, because that's when I think all people should die. I hope I die at 90.
R: Great, well, I heard you're in AA now.
LL: Yeah, you know it's funny. Ever since I've tried to get my life back in order, people aren't writing me up in the tabloids like they used to. So I figure, I better cause some trouble really soon. Otherwise my career will need reviving. I mean, I just have a bad reputation. I don't understand why. I mean, I show up late, but at least I show up.
R: I just want to say that you were so cute in Parent Trap.
LL: Oh well, thank you.
R: And your first album was good.
LL: And... I have so much up ahead for me. The best is yet to come.
R: That's up for me to say, Linz. I have another question. Do you think you've screwed up so badly that maybe the name "Lindsay Lohan" will mean as much to the next generation as say Farah Fawcett or Jacqueline Bisset?
LL: Who?
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