Ramblings @ MindSay 
love
So, we will see where this goes and hopefully we can all enjoy. Take care.
Richard
I don't see what the big deal about special K is. I just feel mildly sick and it's hard to pay attention to anything. I mean it's kind of fun, but there many drugs I would choose over this. But I'm glad I tried it at least. And hey, for once my fucking teeth don't hurt.
Music is really good right now. Ear candy.
I bought two dollar cigarettes. They taste like ass, but hey they were cheap so I don't mind.
I love blogging when I am on drugs. Nothing makes sense in this crazy world anymore anyway.
Reality is for people who can't handle drugs, and drugs are for people who can't handle reality.
So talk to me people.
I have been faced with this topic repeatedly over the past few months, what is love to you? what do you think of love?
To be honest, im not quite sure, I know it exist and I know its something good, i know it's something I want to spread to others, but then again can you truly do that if you dont love yourself?
These lyrics from a Natalie Grant song keep coming back to me
It’s hard to stand
On shifting sand
It’s hard to shine
In the shadows of the night
You can’t be free
If you don’t reach for help
And you can’t love
If you don’t love yourself
can we possibly know what love really is if we can't accept it ourselves?
I'm learning to love myself, im learning to accept the love others offer me and i'm learning to accept the love of God...How truly amazing it is...
Love truly is a movement, it takes time. It takes courage and it takes strength but in the end you will be moved so much by it. I dont think you can truly know who you are without knowing what love is...
so i kind of rambled on there for awhile.
Today was an odd day, i had a few urges to cut and well ieven thougt of death once or twice, but dont worry they were just thoughts, i hardly ever make it through a day without having a thought or two of suicide, but they are nothing like they used to be, God has freed me from the visions of my suicide, the plans, the attempts.
Today I am free....and it feels so worth all the pain I have had to gone through and the pain I am going through now.
I'm finally ready to accept Christmas. It was my choice to have Elvis croon me to work this morning, and I'm already contemplating which cd shall have me caroling home. I actually enjoyed the holiday lights I saw over the weekend, defying my previous groans every time I saw happy Santa on someone's roof.
Then again, I did just get a box'o'goodies from Merry Olde, so perhaps the shiny wrapped packages had something to do with it (ok, so maybe I'm a little materialistic). Or the 9" fake tree that makes me giggle (no, Mum, I haven't set it up yet, but I will, oh yes, I will).
After a very sporty weekend (braving the snow for a hockey game, and then hanging out for the football game), I have finally been introduced to the addictive fascination that is Guitar Hero. It was with sorrowful regret I finally left my friend's house -- sorrow because I had to stop playing and go home, regret because I could only get up to 98% accuracy, dang it! However, I never went below 93%, even on my first try, which is apparently better than certain other people who've never actually finished a song because they were booed offstage. I'm convinced eventually these friends will break me and I'll buy a gaming system.
Of course, I still don't have a tv. So there's some restraint.
Although, I'd rather spend my money on a tricked out desk chair. I keep trying to save, but things just keep getting in the way.
Like Christmas parties and gift exchanges. And dinners out.
I've been going out a lot. Not that I'm complaining, really, but it does begin to add up, especially when you have to be budget minded. And I'm planning on going out some more, as I have a few ladies I need to talk to during the holiday break. Being a mentor terrifies me, mostly because I'm convinced I don't really know anything, and if I did, why would they want to listen to me? But apparently some do, since there are a few who tell me I'm the only staff leader they feel comfortable talking to (yes, that whooshing is the sound of my head swelling). So I must be doing something right, even if there are a few who, sigh, hate me with a passion.
Tough love. Tough love, baby.
I have hope, though.
I have even more hope, as yesterday we took out to lunch the Big Man himself. We've been trying to meet with our head pastor for months, ever since we've felt the frustration of going nowhere. Then a decision was made, and crack!, the facade began to crumble. The avalanche hasn't hit yet, but it's grumbling and growing, and eventually things are going to get nasty. Not that they aren't yet, but there are some who would rather pick at the scab instead of letting the sore heal. Our church is going to be turned upside down (or, in our opinion, right side up, finally), and there are a lot of people who aren't happy with that. But we are. And we wanted to let Pastor C know that we're on his side, and sure, there are some things we'd love to change, but we know that he has his vision, and we're ready to walk it instead of just talkin' it.
Oh, and we were pleased to know that because we came to him in humility and encouragement he is more likely to listen to us and perhaps finally see that these students have a role in the church that is more than being shoved in the youth room Thursday nights.
Ah, Thursday nights... I should end these ramblings because I owe El Capitan (out of commission due to knee surgery) an email detailing an incident with two of my favorite "juvenile delinquents." Tough love, tough love. If I say that enough, I might actually begin to believe it.
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