Raining @ MindSay

it's july 1st and it's raining. I wake up and it's raining. I go to bed and it's raining. For a week now the only word I can use to describe the passing days is "wet". It kinda makes me mad.. it's summer and it's raining. Having a beach 10 minutes away is useless if it's pouring outside while the sun just hibernates on its ass.

 

Athazagoraphobia - the fear of being forgotten.

 

I'm not particularly religious. Actually, to be honest, I'm not religious at all. I might be leaping into death by putting this down for everyone to see, but I'll say it: I don't believe in God. (Now, please, if anyone is reading this, no evil comments about atheists, ok?) It's not that I stopped believing, I just don't think I've ever had religion as a part of my life. It's not in me; and, forgive me, but I'm not on any journey to find it.

Sometimes I envy believers. Those true believers - they probably never feel alone because they believe God is always with them. Whenever they're in over their heads with problems and issues to deal with, deep down they're okay, because they believe that God will see them through. It must be kind of cool.. believing in God. It's kind of like having a constant companion. Someone to talk to. A true friend. In a world of billions of people, we could all use at least one good friend.

Look at me: an atheist promoting religion. Irony makes the world go round. An atheist claiming that God is your friend. God will be a friend who'll never ever leave you, even if the going gets really rough, God will rough it along with you. That's probably a comforting thought to all those who feel it's true.

It must be nice to lie awake at night, and feel safe.

 

It's been a long time since I've lied awake at night and felt safe. I loathe getting into bed to sleep. It's in that moment when we're truly physically alone. We're nothing but purely ourselves. We're not trying to make somebody laugh, we're not fighting off our brothers, we're not working or watching television. It's the one moment in our entire day when we spend time with just ourselves. We sort out thoughts and feelings. Even if you don't intend to, and we're just silently lying in our beds, buckets of emotions and memories - whether they're old memories or things that happened 15 minutes ago - hit you. They don't stop until you're alseep.

What do you do, then, when instead of buckets, you've got an ocean? Every night, I drown in my bed. Every night I shiver until I snore. Every night I count the pieces of my broken heart -only to lose them again in the darkness. Every night.

 

As blasphemous and cynical as this may seem, this is an atheist saying "God help me"

 

 

 

 

 

i got my dream...kissing in the rain with adam...o yeah...now what!!!

Dixie currently feels:

Thirsty

 

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I really hate that smiley right now.

I would kill for an extra large glass of smooth, creamy Pepsi...

...We have about 1/6 of a 2 litre bottle of Coca-Cola downstairs.

My famished throat is screaming out for carbonated sugar.

 

 

I'm in a really bad mood today.

 

For starters, it's a Friday.

I'm always knackered on a Friday morning, and I can never wake up.

I didn't have any clean shirts, because I'd forgotten to wash them - so I had to wear one from earlier, which I sprayed under the pits with perfume.

 

My rucksack ended up immense once again - but today, it was bigger than ever before.

My rucksack has three compartments.

 

• Front section
• Middle section
• Back section

The front section is the smallest, and that's where I keep my school planner, my USB stick, my keys, and SR - if he's travelling with me that day.

The middle section is for coursework and textbooks. It's also where I keep both of my pencil cases and my art folders and English files.

The back section is where my lunchbox goes - my hooded jacket, if I was wearing it - and my PE kit, if it's a Friday or a Wednesday.

 

Seeing as how it WAS a Friday, I had to walk the full way to school, with my black Converse in the back section pressing on my lunchbox - and having a corner of a sharp tuppaware box digging in my spine.

Not fun.

 

...I've just remembered.

I took a quid this morning to get myself some junk food from the paper shop on the way up.

I bought two bars of 15p Cadbury's chocolate - which I break into three small strips and munch before we even get out onto the main road - Normanby Road.

I also bought myself a 50p can of fizzy Vimto - and if I'm not mistaken... It's still in the front section?

 

 

Aaaah...

Yes it is.

 

It's not even that warm, considering it's been inside my bag all day.

 

Okay so...

First period was ICT - which flew by.

We're making fictional companies and databases on Microsoft Access to go with them.

I've made a stock sheet, a customer list, and a bookings list - because it's a holiday company.

Today I made the stock sheet, and I was just writing down all these foods and drinks that came to mind.

 

Alcoholic drinks and gourmet food, mainly.

Oh, and some spa treatment stuff - like body butter and massage oil from the "Lush Spa Services Suppliers".

 

Second period was PE - in which I did nothing.

I'm well known in our year at being an expert on sexual slang and sexual things.

I honestly don't know why either.

I've never once had sex, hetrosexual or homosexual - but, I read.

 

I read websites, I read blogs and articles, - I find out thinks that nobody else will ever think I'll know.

So Mel asked me what a "slobberdash" and a "donkey punch" was.

Of course, I defined them both instantly.

 

Her boyfriend sounds like a right sort... Jeeeeeeeez.

 

At break, Carl had a packet of Bourbon Creams and he shared them with Sam, David, Thomas and I.

I took one, and it was nice.

I prefer Custard Creams to Bourbon Creams, but. A free biscuit is always nice.

 

Third lesson - Science.

All we were doing was balancing equations all lesson.

Fine, don't get me wrong - I'm a straight A in Science.

But there's only SO many times I can write:

 

"2Na (s) + 2H2O (l) ---- 2NaOH (aq) + H2 (g)"

 

Okay, so sorry for incorporating CHEMISTRY into my blog.

Please forgive me.

 

Fourth lesson was Music.

Last term, we all did solo performances on whatever instrument we play - and we were filmed.

It truly is humiliating, watching yourself sat at a keyboard, trembling - playing everything right - but looking like you're about to faint.

 

I've never been a good performer.

 

During lunch break, I went to the library as normal - everyone was arranging flowers.

Our librarian likes to liven things up a bit by organising strange things for everyone to do.

I didn't feel like arranging flowers - I'd had enough of that when I went for my week's work experience in Parkfield Florists in Eston.

 

Honestly - they made me condition SO MANY flowers - with no gloves.

After you've de-thorned your tenth rose - WITH YOUR BARE HANDS - you'd be quite annoyed too.

 

Last lesson was English - and we read another two chapters of "To Kill A Mockingbird."

I was made to read it in year eight - and I despised it.

For some reason, I now love it.

 

We're watching the 1960's black and white film too.

It's quite good, exactly how I imagined Maycomb County actually looking - but Mary Badham, who plays Scout - who was ten at the time (I looked that up too. ) - has the most annoying squeakiest voice in the universe that REALLY grinds on you.

 

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Aww, I don't have any more Vimto.

 

And I'm STILL thirsty!

ARGH.

 

 

In the library after school I felt sad.

I sat down beside the photocopier and had a little cry to myself.

 

Then I put my glasses back on and walked over to where Claire was - sat talking to my learning mentor/miniature counsellor, Julia Parry; only I just call her Parry.

 

Claire was facing away from me, so I put my arms around her back and rested my cheek on her shoulder.

She got annoyed with me when I was breathing hard on her back.

I've done it before - if you breathe heavily through fabric, it really burns the skin underneath.

So Claire was snapping at me, saying it was too hot - to get off her.

 

That made me sad.

I don't like to annoy people who I like.

I stopped breathing on her and I cried on her right shoulder.

 

I didn't make a great deal of noise, other than the occassional sniff - but, Claire seems to be rather sensetive to anything - she could feel my tears absorbing into her jumper.

 

"You better not be crying on me."

- Claire goes.

 

It didn't sound threatening, but more of a concerned tone.

I stopped after a while.

 

Claire wanted to remove her purple hair extension today.

She held her hair back at the side and asked me to pull it out.

I didn't want to hurt her, so I pulled it gently.

She still winced, though.

 

I've kept a bit of her hair.

I put it inside a clear plastic wallet inside my artwork ringbinder.

 

Claire's hair is like a burgundy-purple-brown.

It's a bit odd, but it suits her.

 

I got to watch Claire, Sammie and Ashleigh all running like loonies down Normanby Road for the 64 bus to Grangetown.

 

Now imagine  this - Claire is really small, she's a few inches smaller than me - and her electric guitar she carries on her back is almost as big as she is.

So imagine her with the guitar, with files and music books in the front pouch, a bag over her shoulder, and a mini guitar amp in her left hand - RUNNING for a bus.

 

Miraan and I laughed - she stopped and put two fingers up at us.

She knew how silly she looked though, bless her - she can't really blame us for having a little giggle about it.

 

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There's a building site around the corner from my house.

They're knocking down old, deralict housing.

 

It was raining and windy as I walked past the cranes and demolition lorries.

I was trying to hold my breath - I have asthma, so it's difficult to breathe when I walk down that road.

They're always burning something in an oil drum, or there's brick dust flying about - there's always something. It's been that way every morning and every afternoon since Monday.

 

So, there was a crane lifting a huge load of rubble into the back of one of the lorries.

As I became paralell with it - the wind blew directly in my direction - JUST as the crane released its load.

 

So I was instantly bombarded with a cloud of brick dust - which covered me entirely, coating my face, sticking in my hair, clinging to my clothes.

I coughed, as I'd inhaled some - and a lot of it had blown past my glasses and gone into my eyes.

 

So I couldn't see, I couldn't breathe - I was being pelted with dust, rain, wind, grit - everything.

 

As I turned the corner, out of harm's way - I tried to wipe away some of the dust from my eyes.

I got inside - drenched from the rain - clods of dirt and grit all lodged within my hair.

My uniform is also black - black jumper, black trousers, black Doctor Martens. - Everything was covered in brown dirt and red brick dust.

 

I sat down on our white cream sofa and grimaced as I wiped my face.

All the dust seemed to have glued itself to my wet skin - entwined in my eyebrows, collecting in the creases of my face - like beside my nose - and there were even grains of it stuck inside my ears.

 

We're looking after my mam's friend's dog - Gina - whilst they're in India.

Gina barked at me, waving her tail in my dirty face - wanting to be taken out.

I growled and snapped at her - telling her to go away, it was too cold, it was raining.

 

She wouldn't leave me alone, so I put her lead on and let her out the back alley gate onto the field behind our house.

She took her whizz and then spent the next five minutes sniffing the fenceposts.

 

Her legs were shaking when I took her back inside.

I think she might be afraid of all the demolition noise outside.

 

 

I was tired after that, and I was asleep on the sofa - next to my mam - when she came home, that is.

I came up here at about half six, and fell asleep on my bed.

I woke up at about ten. I'm not going to be able to sleep tonight.

 

Not for a while, anyway.

I need to clean up my room.

A shower would be a good idea too, to get rid of the rest of this brick dust.

 

I heated up a can of meatballs in gravy after I'd brought Gina back in.

I ate them between two white bread baps.

Sort of like meatball sloppy joes.

 

You only get fourteen in a can. I'm still hungry.

I really want to eat one of those frozen pizzas, but is it too late?

 

Oh, the dilemmas of life.

Another song starting with the same words is as follows:

It's raining, it's raining,
There's pepper in the box,
And all the little ladies
Are holding up their frocks.

This one I didn't remember hearing when I was younger.
I did some looking up on the first one.


Here is a nifty site if you want to see about Nursery Rhymes

First thank you to atticsmouse , mamajo , and myclette for giving me encouraging words:D  You guys are the greatest!

 

I feel a little bit better today.  Even though I cleaned up the kids' heads, I am keeping home again today.  Their heads are sore from the dayum shampoo.  Plus once I get the last of the bedding and laundry washed in steaming hot water, I am going to treat their heads with veggie oil like Kym suggested.  I refuse to be like other parents, treat once and then send back to school.  I treated w/ the shampoo and today with veggie oil and next week with the shampoo again. 

 

I rearranged my doctor appointments, I didn't want to go anywhere yesterday or today.  I wanted to get my house back together.  The doctor got back to me on what I thought was scar tissue from a mole biopsy, he wants to open it completely up and see what is going on because it isn't exactly scar tissue nor is it a skin tag.  Once he sees what is going on in it he is going to completely remove the thing off and send it off for another biopsy.  That is next week.  I also changed my GI Surgan appointment to next week.

 

It rained all day yesterday to the point I had water coming out of the old orchard and streaming down the enbakment (how the hell do you spell that word?) on my drive and I have standing water in the one flat portion of my yard and in what use to be my garden.  I am counting my blessings though that we arne't in the areas of NE, SD, and IA that are experancing flooding.  It has been doing nothing but raining for about two weeks.  My lawn looks like a dayum jungle!  I bet if I look out there today sometime I will see minature monkey's swing from the grass and forest elephants and all those great animals!  Last night I heard my pup Dooley just going crazy barking, whinning, growling, and moaning so I went out in the storm and the sky was a funky blue green.  Well I wasn't about to screw with a possible tornado coming through so I unchained Dooley, rounded up the cats and brought them in.  Ran down to the small barn and made sure the feral cats had a blanket and then moved the vechiles back about 50 feet from the house drive.  We have an old tree that needs to come down and if a heavy enough storm comes through it will go down.  Randy and my Uncle have been just waiting for the rain to stop to bring over a loader to stablize the tree while Randy goes up the tree and start bringing down branches before they bring the tree completely down. 

 

Yesterday evening, we went down to my parents hosue so my mom could come through my hair thankfully I didn't have any nits, eggs, or bugs!  I would have been soooooooooo pist!  My hair may only be down to my shoulders but it is all one length and thick ass hell!  Then they kept us for BLT sandwhichs and Papo took each of the kids down to his shop and had a lil chit chat with them.  All he would tell me was that he asked them to continue helping me out.  I am wondering if he didn't pull the whole responsiblilty thing on them:D

 

After we came home from dinner, I put some veggie oil w/ tea tree oil on the kids heads and sent them to bed.  I sat down and just vegitated!  I read 3 smut books and listened to George Clinton and Patra until about midnight and then I finally went to bed.  I got up at 5:30 and started working on laundry again.  I checked the kids and told them to go back to sleep and then called the school about 7:30 to let them know they wouldn't be in again today.  I didn't have dial tone!  I was like dayum I wonder if there are lines down somewhere!  I went outside and realized that my lines were underground so I ran up the hill and asked my Auntie if she had phones.  They have above ground lines.  Yep.  So I used the cell phone.  Still drizzling outside and here I am dodging a Great Dane Pup with a soccer ball in mouth wanting to play, moving around the drive trying to find decent signal and it booms and the sky lights up and starts down pouring..........again!  I finally got the call made to the school.  Turned around and called the phone company and Steve got out here with in 5 minutes and fixed a broken line to the house.  The whole time laughing at Dooley.  My dog has serious issues with people but mainly men!  He kept barking, moaning, and occasionally growling at Steve!  It never fails I get the dogs that have mental issues! 

 

I got my phones back, loaded dishes, have done more laundry, made bacon, eggs, and toast for breakfast, and took my meds.  Sebrina is a bit put out with me because this is the second day I have missed meeting her up at Native Curves for our workout but she also understands.  Today I am hoping to have my house completely back from all the washing and so happy that I dont' have to go anywhere today.  Okay to the store to get a pack of cigs.