Purging @ MindSay 
Kari, I’m sending this in a message so that you have to listen to me: stop calling me. I do not want to talk to you anymore, ever. I am tired of dealing with your shit and I refuse to keep tolerating it. You do not treat a quote “friend” like you have treated me and still expect them to want to be friends with you. It literally makes me sick now, but I trusted you, Kari. I trusted you and let you in and soaked up all of your lies. I never did anything to you and look at how you repaid me. And you know the main thing I hate about it? I saw it coming and still let myself be friends with you. I watched you play your same nasty tricks with Esther and Nikki and H.W. and Nichole and numerous others and I always just sat back and told myself that you would never do that to me, seeing as how close we were. But in my heart, in my heart I always knew you would and I hate myself for allowing you to control me and hurt me like you did. Because it hurt Kari, to be backstabbed by your best friend. It hurt like hell and you never even acknowledged that anything happened at all. You, you of all people should know that that is the one thing you do not do with me, and yet after a whole month of me pointedly ignoring you, you just up and decided it was time we were best buds again? Sorry, nah uh. That’s not how it works. I tried to be nice because I knew it was the end of the year and after that I wouldn’t be seeing you anymore, but you keep trying to act like you actually care and I’m tired of it. You want someone you can manipulate, and for years I let you, but not anymore. Call me a bitch, hate me, apologize, whatever you want, I don’t care anymore. I’m not going to listen to you. You burned all of your own bridges a long time ago Kari, it’s your own damn fault, so either learn to swim in your crap, or drown in it. I couldn’t care less, not after the shit you put me through. I don’t want any part of it anymore so just leave me the fuck alone.
Today I was more exhausted than yesterday. No amount of caffeine could help. My stomach was cramping and tied up in knots -- no doubt from the large quantity of caffeine I've consumed. My back and shoulders have been tight and tense. I'm taking a hot bath and jumping my tired ass into bed ASAP. This purging thing sucks!
On a much lighter note, I finally got my moonstone bracelet in the mail. It is GORGEOUS!!! If you don't know by now, I absolutely love jewelry and "trinkets" as my friends Adam and Environgirl call them. When I opened the package and saw that bracelet, I almost had an orgasm! This wasn't really a good thing considering how tired I am. I got a little light-headed! Music and beautiful jewelry frequently affect me this way. I think it happened the first time I heard Bach's Brandenburg Concertos.(you can hear them on this site if you have Real Player Audio, but the sound quality is crappy.)Anyway, I swear to you the picture does NOT do this bracelet justice!
Mind over matter.
The effort to still the dizzying spin caused by dramatic turns of events. The cracked edges around a forced smile. The heaved sigh when no one is looking. The stretching and stretching until it seems one more pull will cause sanity to break in hoplessly fractured pieces, so brutally severed that no amount of carefully mending will put them back together again. Humpty dumpty and the ineptitude of the king's horses.
Mind over matter.
Intelligence. Aptitude. Work ethic. Ability to learn quickly. Ability to retain details often lost in the shuffle. Ability to put together puzzle pieces without having been told where they belong. Ability. Is that all the separates me from them? Just this fanciful idea of natural intelligence, of common sense, of wisdom? What makes me more able than they?
Mind over matter.
Don't look to the future. It will only cause panic. Fear. Frustration. Take each day as it comes. One hour at a time. One step at a time. One breath at a time. Tommorrow will bring its own worries. Today has enough to fill the minutes. To fill the mind. To fill the silence with the cacophony of demands.
Mind over matter.
Fingers falter and words are stilted. The effort to remain sane. To keep from dwelling on what has been and what will be. To accept that which has happened. To realize there is no such thing as control. Except for the control of one's thoughts. One's mind.
Mind over matter.
Stiff upper lip to conceal the trembling of the lower one. Dark and depressed fancies fiercely shoved back in the dusty, deep corners of thought-cupboards. Shoulders squared and ready to take on the load that tomorrow shall certainly bring. The trick is to deceive body into thinking that there is nothing wrong. That the weariness is natural and the numbing is how the mind survives the beating. The thrashing. The painful separation of hope and reality, as the world looms large and menacing over dreams.
Mind over matter.
And through it all, the realization that despite the fears, frustrations, and exhaustion that threaten each day...
...there remains the one thing that I still have control over.
Matter. The fingers, tapping away, triumph over the worn and weary belief that there is nothing worthwhile to say. Mind.
Triumph over fear, victory over silence, faith over doubt.
The release of matter over the iron gates of the mind.
Matter.
Mind.
Over.
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