Ptsd @ MindSay

i've got so much on my mind and no one to talk to about it. i hate this. i hate this because i feel so alone and when i feel alone like this i do stupid things and go to people i shouldn't go to just in the hopes that i can merely feel something that i need but won't ever have there. I don't know what to do with myself. i hate the internet. i find places, forums where i feel like its safe to be me and then something gives and it turns out i'm not accepted there. and of course matters are made worse cuz, no matter how emo it sounds, i honest to god feel like no one understands me except for Anna and she's three fucking time zones away dealing with her own bullshit. i'm so angry and lonely i can't sleep. at least i didn't get close to anyone so this doesn't hurt as badly. Catch 22- if i'm alone i feel lost in a void but then again no one can make the problem worse. fuck my life. this happened here, too.

i hate the reminders of how bad things really are. it explains why i am so avoidant of certain things, places, websites (mindsay), etc. I try not to think about it. I have a job for the summer so i get to stay in Arcata. I will be in Santa Clara for two weeks in august and then i'm off to Prague in the Czech Republic until december. then back to Santa Clara, then back to Arcata to finish school and hopefully go on to graduate school somewhere.

I'm feeling optimistic, or was, until something triggered me. I know its not good to avoid those triggers and pretend they don't exist, but at this point in my life it is a defense mechanism and a tool for survival; no one is in any place to judge me for making a decision on that basis. It's just the nightmares...i had a REALLY bad one saturday night. two in fact. i've mostly forgotten about them, or had until i just brought them up. obviously i should ignore them.

so Zachary Quinto is fucking sexy. i want to hit that hella badly, also recently i've just been really horny. i'm starting to reach a point of sexual frustration that i reached last semester, but again, i'm better off not writing about it because that means i have to think about it and then i'll trigger/get depressed/anxious and then i won't be able to sleep.

I've been really stressed recently, but I can't pick out anything specific to say what I'm stressed about. I've been losing sleep, and I've been gaining the missed hours of sleep when I get home from school, so then I'm up restless all night. It sucks. D: Sometimes, if I feel really down and low, I go to bed to forget about it and take it away.
I'm also doing a bit of research, to really see if I have a lot of symptoms of PTSD. Meh, we'll see. I've noticed that unfortunate memories of a recent past return to haunt me for hours upon end at night, when I'm lying in bed. I don't know how to erase them; unless I got a complete memory wipe... Half the time while I'm lying there I wish I could just get this "memory wipe" and forget about everything. But I can't. As much as I hate to accept it, it's what's helping me gain experience to continue to be empathetic and in relation to how somebody else feels. I've cried for the past few days now, but I can't tell you for what reason since I have been crying for no apparent reason.

I woke up this morning, and I grew depressed after conversing with mom how Academic English is overly difficult for my mind to handle. I might have to drop to the College level again, which will probably just discourage me.

One of my friends on an online forum I visit on a daily basis told me that "what happens is out of your hands, you're your own independent person and the respect you deserve is something you should think of getting. You sound so negative, but be positive, make new friends - and if people from your past goes off and does whatever, it's no longer your concern. It's their issue now. Don't worry about them."

My friend serves a strong point. Therefore, I'm currently going to continue leaving fragments of my past behind - and I don't care how long, or how painful, it is. I'm going to do it, even if I need aid from buddies. I need to learn how to stop being frozen in my past and I have to warm up to the future that lies ahead of me.
I have a lot of friends on that forum. And I love them all. ^^

But anyway. Not much happened today. As soon as I got at school, I felt instantly lightweight when I saw my friends by the main doors and all that.

For English tomorrow, we're going down to my school's theatre to watch a musical production my school's putting on which is called "McBraveheart". It's a parody off Macbeth, apparently. I'm awaiting it with great excitement. ^^

Musicals + Shakespeare (two of which I adore) = <3!!! :)

I've also gained a strange obsession with llama's now. XDD Thanks to "The Llama Song" (look it up on Youtube or something. XDD) And I was singing parts of it in Computer class and went out into fits of giddy laughter. But that's me for you. :)

And now... I will share a little part of it with you...

I was once a treehouse,
I lived in a cake,
But I never saw the way,
The orange slayed the rake!

LOL! XD I kept singing bits from it, and Becca thought there was something wrong with me. XD

News from... My relatives, I guess! XD Both of my cousins are now officially ENGAGED! :D I`m so happy for them!! ^^ But unfortunately, I don`t think I`ll be able to attend the wedding - since they live in Alberta. I'm only in Ontario. ^^
And the really cute news is, my cousin who has down-syndrome (he's like, 19 now or something) was asked to be the ring bearer guy for a wedding. Isn't that just cute? :)

Anyway, for school, we're getting course/option selection sheets sometime this week and we have to fill them out so the school will know what courses we want to take. I'm thinking about taking a course that has to do with studying the human mind, how it works, etc. But I don`t know. I`m going to look into it some more tonight. I`ll keep you posted, though. :)

Oh, and as you know, I`m reading Hamlet. I was scanning through certain bits and it's REALLY... Sexual. 0.o But, hey, that's Shakespeare for you! :)
But, I guess you'll just have to deal with it! >: D But don't worry, I'm not going to insert anything that seems OVERLY inappropriate. So don't worry. But really, I can't wait until I get this whole Hamlet/Ophelia POV started! :)

I think I may have developed a case of PTSD (Post Traumatic Stress Disorder). <--- But let's get off that topic, that's negative. I'm sick of being negative all the time, although it's a lot easier than staying positive for days at a time. Or maybe that's just me. But whatever the case...

In Math, I realized that I'm practically twenty pages ahead in my math workbook than everybody else. I think I should get some free time to work on something or read. But my teacher insists that I should keep truckin' along anyway... :/ Well, whatever the case, I'll do as she says. I'm the student, she's the teacher, after all. But she's really really really really nice. ^^ Sometimes I think she's a little TOO nice. But y'know, rather have one who's overly nice than excessivley mean.

In English, we had a subsitute teacher. He just gave us this sheet of past, present, and future tenses - which I finished in less than ten minutes - and then he gave me more questions about Farenheit 451, which I finished by the end of class. But I've noticed that I'm starting to get hand cramps as I'm working on stuff like that; because I tend to write a lot and everything. I'm thinking about asking my English teacher if I can bring my laptop that the resource room currently holds for me into class now, since my hands can't handle writing a lot for long periods of time. (Now I'm beginning to think, what if I have to write a five page essay by hand?! :O). Well, if that's the case, the school has these accomodations set for me that's apart of helping my learn better. I know one of them is more time on tests, or projects, if it's required. I'm sure my English teacher will let me use it if I just ask her...

In History, my teacher made us write the goals we wanted to accomplish in the next five years - that's 21 for me. Mine were basically education set. Y'know, go to College, get a degree in whatever, that sort of thing. But I also listed that I would like to get into a relationship then. Well, we'll see what holds in store, eh? ;)
I also have to do a project that's due tomorrow, which I'm close to finishing. I'll finish most of it up until I get hand cramps tonight, then after dinner I'll finish it completley.

In Computers, nothing big happened there. Nothing big ever really happens in Computers. We've just moved on to Charts in Microsoft Excel.

OH... AND YOU WON'T BELIEVE IT. Guess what I started reading?! :D

...Well. If you guessed Hamlet, you would be correct. ^^ I'm so weak-willed when it comes to refusing or putting off something I like so much. XDDD

On February 13, 2009, Conversations with Heroes at the Watering Hole will feature a discussion Sergeant Andy O’Hara, California Highway Patrol (ret.), Executive Director of The Badge of Life.

 

Program Date: February 13, 2009

Program Time: 2100 hours, Pacific

Topic: The Badge of Life

http://www.blogtalkradio.com/LawEnforcement/2009/02/14/The-Badge-of-Life

 

About the Badge of Life

According to The Badge of Life, they “are a group of active and retired police officers from the United States and Canada who are victims of trauma-related injuries from our law enforcement service. We have suffered the worst that post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD) brings—the hopelessness, the despair, the flashbacks, the attempts at suicide, the nightmares and insomnia, the panicky hypervigilence, anxiety and terror. Among us are victims of both critical incident and cumulative PTSD.

 

Our personal experiences are varied and representative of what occurs in police work—shootings, violent attacks, the loss of fellow officers, near-death experiences, helplessly watching the death of a child, and more. We were drawn together out of a determination to help others avoid our fate. With the help of experts in the field like John Violanti, PhD (author of Police Suicide, Epidemic in Blue and Under the Blue Shadow), Dr. Janak Mehtani, an expert on PTSD and Catherine Leon, LCSW, who has worked extensively with PTSD and law enforcement, we began to set a path.

 

We found that many departments still lack adequate suicide prevention programs. We found many departments have excellent programs—but limit themselves to suicide awareness and prevention. Our program came after long discussion and research--and the realization that, in the search for complex answers, we were all missing the simple solutions! Thus came about the Badge of Life program--a common sense approach to law enforcement stress and trauma that stunned even us by its utter simplicity. 

 

About the Guest

Sergeant Andy O'Hara, California Highway Patrol (ret.) is a military veteran and the Executive Director of The Badge of Life.  According to Sergeant O’Hara, he “spent his last day of law enforcement sitting on the bedroom floor with his gun, trying to decide whether to shoot himself in the mouth or side of the head.  Hospitalized twice with the effects of his post traumatic stress, he has written on this topic and spoken to numerous groups about the importance of this new program.  Through those presentations, he has realized how well received and effective the message truly is.   He is a member of the California Peer Support Association, the International Police Association and works as a peer volunteer with the West Coast Post-Trauma Retreat.

 

About the Watering Hole

The Watering Hole is police slang for a location cops go off-duty to blow off steam and talk about work and life.  Sometimes funny; sometimes serious; but, always interesting.

 

About the Host

Lieutenant Raymond E. Foster was a sworn member of the Los Angeles Police Department for 24 years.  He retired in 2003 at the rank of Lieutenant.  He holds a bachelor’s from the Union Institute and University in Criminal Justice Management and a Master’s Degree in Public Financial Management from California State University, Fullerton; and, has completed his doctoral course work. Raymond E. Foster has been a part-time lecturer at California State University, Fullerton and Fresno; and is currently a Criminal Justice Department chair, faculty advisor and lecturer with the Union Institute and University.  He has experience teaching upper division courses in law enforcement, public policy, law enforcement technology and leadership.  Raymond is an experienced author who has published numerous articles in a wide range of venues including magazines such as Government Technology, Mobile Government, Airborne Law Enforcement Magazine, and Police One.  He has appeared on the History Channel and radio programs in the United States and Europe as subject matter expert in technological applications in law enforcement.

 

Listen, call, join us at the Watering Hole.

http://www.blogtalkradio.com/LawEnforcement/2009/02/14/The-Badge-of-Life

 

Program Contact Information

Lieutenant Raymond E. Foster, LAPD (ret.), MPA

editor@police-writers.com

909.599.7530