Psychosis @ MindSay

lol, today at lunch, me, Loren, Justin (Nipples), Courtney, and Brendan were sitting around talking about drugs. Courtney's never done any, she's just drank, but Brendan's done just about everything, Justin's done E, LSD, shrooms & weed, and Loren's done E, weed, shrooms once, and is gonna do LSD for the first time saturday. They were sitting there talking about all of those things, and then i turn to Courtney and Brendan and say, "I feel so innocent and naive when it comes to drugs. I've only smoked pot six times (i did it again last night) and meth twice." At that moment, Brendan, Loren, and Justin all stop what they're doing and go, "WHOA!!" their eyes were all big and everything, it was so funny, lol. It's amazing, here there are all these people that have done acid and mushrooms and every now and then some one who's done heroin, (Brendan), yet it's so terribly bad if you've done meth. (I had told Arianna that i did meth twice, too, and she hit me, lol.) I'm used to hanging out with hispanic people in San Jose, and just about every hispanic person in San Jose has done meth at least once. It was so funny, Brendan was like, "You claim to not know shit about drugs, yet you've smoked meth twice." I then had to explain that i hadn't known what it was because my ex (yes, THAT ex) just told me it was crank, and afterwards his mom's bf told us that crank and meth are the same thing. I also told them about how meth and cigarettes are the only things i've ever been peer pressured into, and both were from him. Brendan asked me what it was like and I told them it feels fucking amazing, don't ever do it. I can deffinately say if a person hasn't done any drugs then they should never try them, but if you've already fucked yourself over like me, then I don't know. I told them all and i've been telling myself also that I won't do anything unless it's free. I was also thinking that last night would be the last time I smoked pot because i did it with a different group of people, but later on i saw the boy that I have a crush on and it made me feel a lot more open to talking to him and sitting next to him and stuff like that.

I've noticed that weed doesn't make me want to do things i normally don't want to do, it makes me bolder to do things i've wanted to do, like the time me and my ex got high on pot and i told him off and then he started hitting me. Even though i can't believe he didn't knock any of my teeth out, it still felt so good to tell him what had been on my mind. I think now if it's free, and if i'm in the mood for it, and if the guy i like is around, then maybe. Even last night even though I wasn't that high, I still felt the stronger urge to lean my head on him and use him like a pillow while we were watching Adult Swim, (he was sober. we called him so he could come watch Robot Chicken), and i was going to ask him for a hug before we went off to bed, but he ran off and i couldn't ask. I got a hug from him yesterday, though. it was so nice. I think the reason I like him so much is because like Nam, he has an awesome sense of humor, he's smart, and he has a similar body type to what Nam has. That, and i'm trying desperately to move on from Nam because i hate being a clingy psycho bitch hypocrit. i'm sure it's not really him i like, just his resemblences to Nam and as much as I have to let go of Nam, I still love him so much and I don't know what to do with these feelings I have for him. They have no where to go.

Anyway, I know Brian doesn't like me doing drugs and i've told a lot of people here that I don't want to do them because my brother gets pissed if I do, and they've told me to not tell him or to tell him to just back off of me. I don't know....i know it's not good for me, and i know i'm hurting myself....but unlike Erin, i don't have a boyfriend who i can cry to. I don't even get to call Nam anymore, and since he told me not to call him we've talked online four or five times. That's it. I can't call Anna anymore except for on weekends because she goes to sleep really early because she has work and she's pregnant, and I don't have free minutes until 9:00pm on weekdays which is midnight her time. It's my only outlet, and I don't know...i still have this crazy idea in my head that if i have sex with some one and enjoy it, it would be good for me because then I can tell myself that it's ok to have sex and it's ok to enjoy sex, both of which are things i can't do now. I think I just want a boyfriend. :(

I miss angels. I miss feeling them, feeling their hands upon my shoulders. I miss the sensation of warm, protective wings outstretched just behind me to shield me from harm. I miss their silent reassurance, their love (real or illusory). I miss the comfort of the giant invisible beings that may have been a product of psychosis but I would prefer to believe they were real - they were grand enough to bring me to tears. I never saw them, only felt them. They held me through the worst times of my life - through the screaming and confusion, through the dark night of my soul through all of the doubts and fears. Then I chased them away.

And I miss them.