Psychiatrist @ MindSay

I was in a large empty room talking to a psychiatrist who eventually turned into Chelsea Grammar. He was reading my own self-analysis that I had written and then started talking about baseball which he seemed to think had some indirect relevance to something I had written; he started re-enacting exciting baseball moments and games he had been to and even got baseball players to come into the room to talk to me. He was very passionate about it. I wasn't listening because I had no interest in baseball and sensed that he had completely gotten off point he was trying to make and wasn't helping me, but just expressing his obsession with baseball. I looked out the window and the clouds scared me. They were in the shapes of things; not the "suggestions" of shapes that clouds usually were, but perfect imitations of those things with perfect details and proportions; and not just one or two clouds, but all the clouds. I found the clouds exciting but also terrifying. I considered mentioning this to Chelsea Grammar but wasn't sure if he would see them, too, or if it meant I was insane. I think I eventually did but he didn't see anything wrong, but I didn't know if it was because I was the only one who could see the shapes (because I was insane) or if he thought that clouds were supposed to look that way.

Then that room ended and I was running away from the clouds. I started outside on a stadium where I could see the clouds that were in the shapes of things, and I ran down these stairs and kept running further and further down, I wanted to go as underground as possible with no windows at all so I wouldn't have to look at the terrifying clouds. As I was running down, I was passing people who were going up and I kept trying to warn them, to convince them to go down, to keep away from the horrible clouds, but they wouldn't listen to me, they didn't see anything wrong with the clouds.

Currently I feel so utterly humiliated.

 

I was so immature with dealing with my exboyfriend josh that he, his current girlfriend, and his roommate have all blocked me on Facebook.

I deserve it, and that's what sucks. I wish that I could hold my head high and say that blocking me was an immature act on their part but I can't. My heart sinks when I look to see that they have done this to me. Why haven't I grown up yet? Why do I still do this? What causes me to act so immensely unhealthy when I'm put into a situation where my heart gets broken into a million pieces?

I know TONS of girls who would never even consider acting the way I did towards Josh. They would all move on easily...but I hold on. Refusing to let go. It's been 3 months and I texted him yesterday telling him I loved him, which totally contradicts what I told him 3 months ago; which was "you're ugly", "I never liked you", "I just told you I loved you to get what I want". Stupid stuff like that.

Gosh, I wish I was a psychiatrist already so that I could figure this out, but I'm not. Not yet, at least. I've also, yet, to have someone explain to me their predictions of why I act the way I do. Noone can quite pin me down on why I act so outrageously insane when left by a guy other than, "maybe it's because you have been hurt by your dad". Well, yes, my dad DID hurt me and I forgave him and I love him with all of my heart...so why am I still doing this? I'm in college. FUCKING COLLEGE and I'm acting like a seventh grader...gosh, I don't even think a seventh grader would do this! 

 

So today, I confess before you all that I am not perfect.

 

Gosh, I can't stand reading that statement!!! I can't stand the thinking about all the STUPID things that I said to Josh. I can't stand it! I wasn't right in acting the way I did. I didn't act in the smart, sensible, way that I should have and I don't think I will ever change. Never, never, ever!

What a heart-gauging thought!

 

Someone, I beg you, please help explain to me the psychi of my actions because I have no idea why I do what I do and maybe, just maybe, if I learn why I do it I can figure out how to stop it.

 

Please help me!!

I'm starting to make a conscious effort to eat healthy, take this morning for example,  I had an orange, some juice, and a nutrigrain bar, instead of my normal brownie and cookie for breakfast routine. 

 

Lastnight at the psychiatrist, we decided that its time for me to try to go off of one of my meds, because it can make me put on weight, and ive been doing really well with my moodiness and anger, so i'm going off of it, and if I start to get all moody and stuff again, i'll just go back on it.  But it feels good to know that i'm at that point right now. 

 

 I really want to feel good about my body again, and going to the gym, and actually have a routine during the day is really helping.  I feel like I have more energy and that i've accomplished something, its a really nice feeling. 

 

Well i'm off to email work, cook some veggies so I can bring them in for lunch and maybe make blueberry muffins. 

 

I hope everybody has a great day!

... and it sucks you won't remember me with empathy but fuck...

 

So I saw the psychiatrist Friday. It's a bad fucking idea to let anyone know that you THINK you are hearing or seeing shit. After talking to her on Friday we both agreed that Lithium would be a good switch. Then there was a catch. She didn't feel comfortable changing my medication if I wasn't "under care". So I could either go voluntarily or mandatory. I chose voluntary after she promised that I'd be home by Sunday. However she wouldn't let me go there on my own. So she called up the campus police to escort me there. I was taken in handcuffs in front of a ton of fucking people, and they wouldn't even let me stop by the dorm to get some clothes.

 

So I got there, they took away everythign but the clothes on my back and my chapstick. I tried to get my room mate to drop off some clothes but I didn't get any clothes until Friday. It was fucking rediculous. I had nothing to keep me warm, and nothing to sleep in. I didn't get the clothes until today at 11am, when my discharge had started.

 

I had to lie to the doctor and tell him I was being over critical of my thoughts and that everything was better. Fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck. I hate it.

.... I'd rather have nothing than something I don't need....

 

Okay. They fixed a 3 and a half week error in 48 hours. I am seeing the best psychiatrist they have on staff tomorrow at 2pm to get things fixed. Finally. A glimpse of hope.