Procrastination @ MindSay

I have a way of telling when I am becoming depressed. It's by analysis of the time I spend. The more I waste doing nothing, the more depressed I am. Not really "depressed", it's more like a non-positive attitude. I mean, apart from my job, I have accomplished nothing in  the last.. hmm.. three weeks? That's a lot of time.

The whole "shifts" thing messes up with my sleep and I still haven't learned how to cope with it. I should be running, going out with friends, cooking, choosing stuff for my wedding.. doing that review on my girlfriend's CV.

Instead, I spent the whole day locked in my room, watching TV, surfing the web, playing mobile games, sleeping, eating..

Man, I'm like a black hole for motivation.. whatever comes near me, it disappears.

Procrastination, I hate you. I even hate the fact that one day I discovered that you had a name..

Last year I was almost dead set on becoming something in the medical career. I love watching medical shows (House) and especially medical documentaries (i.e. about OCD, conjoined twins, progeria, etc).

However, I've analyzed my life and realized with my laziness and lack of motivation for schoolwork, I cannot become anything in the medical career. Just because I am fascinated with the human body and different conditions, does not mean I am cut out to become a physician. It takes discipline, love of ALL people and able to control people when they are in hysterics/a mad fit of rage/etc, being able to work long hours, MANY years of school along with top marks, and not being grossed out by normal things.

 

When it comes to myself, I obviously lack discipline, I am not a fan of children (although I honestly love people...especially my friends. I care deeply about all of you...really, I do), I am lazy and therefore would not be able to work long hours, I do not want to be in school for too many more years (and again due to my laziness I have shit marks), and I get grossed out when I see someone bleeding in real life.

 

What it comes down to, is that last year, I thought I wanted to be in the medical career, but after realizing the above things, I changed my mind. I looked at my interests and decided that history would be much better suited to me, despite the fact it may be hard to find jobs here in T-BAY. I'm sure I will find something though. There are problems with every career path.

However, my main problem standing in my way is my laziness in school. I used to be a straight-A student, but after I went through a bad fit of depression a few years ago, I stopped caring, and stopped doing regular homework. As a result, today I am several weeks behind in all my courses, and brutally failing. I have very difficult courses (2 University courses and 2 advanced placement courses. Maths and Sciences, no doubt) and have dug my self a deep, deep hole in less than 2 months. I have no idea how I'm going to get from failing to above a 70% average before exams…especially with the fact that today I found out that only the first half my Calculus course counts towards my mark, meaning that I got to do extremely well on the last few assignments/quizzes/tests and the exam in order to get a passing mark. It will be hell, but it's something I got to do.

 

But now that I realize what I want to do in University, I'm asking myself "Why am I taking the extremely hard courses and not doing any work and failing when I could take easy courses, not do any work and pass?" It's obviously because last year I thought I was going into the medical career, but I really should have changed my semester around in September, and then I wouldn't be in this situation. And I wouldn't have to deal with the stuck up, rich, preppy kids either. They keep asking me "What is your mark, Kristal? What did you get on your test, Kristal?" etc etc. I always say, "I don't discuss marks." because it's really none of their business. This therefore poses the question "Why ask if you don't care?" (Hence the title of this blog.) Because really, they are not friends with me, I don't talk to them (and vice versa), and my mark has nothing to do with them. I believe they are asking in order to feel a sense of superiority against me. I don't know if they realize I'm failing (they prob. do) but really, they should be concerned about their own mark, not mine. I feel shitty enough for being selfish and not doing anything, I don't need them laughing at me along the way.

 

High school is bullshit. It's shit years in which the problems we face do not matter in the long run. Sure, things like pregnancies will affect those girls who get pregnant, but really, 90% of the people in my classes are caught up in the world of sports, student council meetings, drinking with friends and homework, and complain when a teacher they have tries to teach like a university professor to get them prepared for real life. It annoys me that they live in this protective little bubble of meaningless gossip, and unleash their "problems" unto other people.

 

I'm just glad that I got out of that group many years ago. I believe my friends really do understand the real world, and understand real problems. Of course we all bitch about our problems, but I really do think all my friends problems are true and really matter: they aren't about a basketball game, they are about illness, poverty and drug use. Of course we all worry about friends (myself included) but I believe in order to really be a high school student that's prepared for real life once they get out, we must know and experience bits of reality outside our shell. Of course, we all must enjoy friends: that's the fun! But we mustn’t be ignorant either.

 

I love you guys, truly and deeply. I'm so glad you face reality instead of ignore it. Don't ever lose that about you.

 

-Kristal St. Jean     

As of today, it's been three weeks since I've pulled my head hair! I'm really happy about it :D. I "feel" my bald spots every couple days and I can feel some hair coming in. Unfortunately, it's growing really slowly, but I guess that's what happens when you pull out hair from the roots: your hair has to grow back the root, the little beginning of the hair underneath the scalp, and then finally the hair that you see outside the scalp.

 

I'm still pulling from my eyelashes and eyebrows, but I haven't pulled too much out. I'd still like to stop it, but I have other things to worry about changing...mainly my work habits in school...I can't fail this year! But I'm thinking of using this weekend as a "catch up weekend". I'm hoping it'll work. I've planned stuff like this in the past many many many times before, but I was always too much of a lazy ass to do anything. However, I got my social worker at school behind me on this (she suggested it), so maybe this time will be different...

 

Oh! Speaking about counseling, I finally got my letter from St. Joe's (the hospital)! I don't think I mentioned this in the past, but I'm going to go to a real counselor to help me with my trichotillomania and especially with my work initiative. The letter says I have to call to make an appointment, but the hours according to the answering machine are 8am-4pm, so I got to get up early tomorrow to call. Fat chance I'll do that, but I'll try.

 

I have no idea how long it'll be till I can get into see the counselor, but I hope it's within a month. I want to try and better myself as soon as possible.

 

-Kristal

...And so now it's time for me to blog!

 

How is it half way through September already? I guess when one daydreams like me time gets away from you...

 

Schools been...well...school. I've gotten back into my old ways of procrastination and I've already fucked up a couple quizzes and am probably at least a week behind. Good fucking job, Kristal...

 

But I guess its better to have my "wake up call" now than a month or so from now. If I really kick my ass into gear I can get things done. I talked to my counselor about my laziness at school (among another things…I will get into that later in the blog) and she gave me some great advice. She said to stop thinking in the past and live "here and now" and that thought has been swimming around in my head since yesterday when she said it. It's so very true...I daydream and worry a ridiculous amount, and it really does prevent me from doing my schoolwork, because I end up thinking my daydreams and reflecting on the past for hours on end is more important than work. I literally make up scenarios in my head about things I have done/may do in the future and think about what my friends and family will do if they find out, and I do that several hours a day everyday. Its fun to do but its becoming a real interference with my priorities.

 

I think I'm going to take her advice and try to plan out my priorities a few days at a time. When I mean, “plan” though, I do not mean "At 6:30 I have to do ____, at 7:00 I have to do ____" because that will just be too structured for me-I like to be spontaneous. What I mean by planning is that "I have to do ___, ___ and ____ today". I think that will work much better for me.

 

 

 

My counselor also gave me some play dough and its really been helping with my trichotillomania. In the past 48 hours I have only pulled out 1 eyelash (No head hair!:D). It keeps my left hand busy and therefore impossible for me to pull. It’s amazing what a difference something so simple can make.

 

 

Anyways, I better stop this procrastination and do my lab (hopefully D:). I'll try posting with new trich pics soon... Just a warning though, my bald spots have gotten pretty bad...*sigh*.

 

-Kristal

I need to do algebra soon, but I have a very short story. Blogging has now entered my procrastination routine.

(You know what I don't like? Math. I'm really a language arts sort of person. In my opinion, words rule over numbers, because they have infinitely more meaning.)

So, I'm standing outside with a few friends after school, chatting. Then I see this tiny white piece of paper on the pavement, a few feet away. I'm drawn to the object somehow, and walk over to examine it further. When I'm about half way there, I hear a boy's voice to my right, saying, "Whoa!"

I am then hit by a bike.

Thankfully, both parties were fine, although I was a bit annoyed that my guy friends laughed at me before they knew I wasn't hurt. Ah, well, I suppose it's understandable. To be honest, I think the incident was long overdue. Can't wait tell everyone at school tomorrow.