Problems @ MindSay 
Depressed -----------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Short Thoughts
If I was at college this week, I'd have been seeing Dianne today.
Since I've agreed to attend another block of sessions, I really need to think about some issues I'm going to address.
As much as I'm going to despise it, I'll have to talk to her about that period of time that must not be discussed - 1996-2006. Or "5 to 15" as I call it when it's mentioned.
Regardless, there's a lot of things that are bothering me.
Though I'm starting to realise causes behind some of them - I'll get an idea, but then I'll doubt it - I'll ponder if it truly is the real reason behind something. Despite the fact I'm right about virtually everything, I have doubts if I'm right about this or not.
If only I could express my feelings through my creative assets like I used to.
I can't write, I can't draw - I haven't made any wav. mixes for ages, I'm starting to suck at Photography - the only thing I really have left are videos. Yes, I haven't lost my skill when it comes to writing scripts - but all these ideas I have, all the scripts I've written and planning sheets I've done - will they all be wasted?
If that's the case, I won't have anything left. Sigh.
Last year I was almost dead set on becoming something in the medical career. I love watching medical shows (House) and especially medical documentaries (i.e. about OCD, conjoined twins, progeria, etc).
However, I've analyzed my life and realized with my laziness and lack of motivation for schoolwork, I cannot become anything in the medical career. Just because I am fascinated with the human body and different conditions, does not mean I am cut out to become a physician. It takes discipline, love of ALL people and able to control people when they are in hysterics/a mad fit of rage/etc, being able to work long hours, MANY years of school along with top marks, and not being grossed out by normal things.
When it comes to myself, I obviously lack discipline, I am not a fan of children (although I honestly love people...especially my friends. I care deeply about all of you...really, I do), I am lazy and therefore would not be able to work long hours, I do not want to be in school for too many more years (and again due to my laziness I have shit marks), and I get grossed out when I see someone bleeding in real life.
What it comes down to, is that last year, I thought I wanted to be in the medical career, but after realizing the above things, I changed my mind. I looked at my interests and decided that history would be much better suited to me, despite the fact it may be hard to find jobs here in T-BAY. I'm sure I will find something though. There are problems with every career path.
However, my main problem standing in my way is my laziness in school. I used to be a straight-A student, but after I went through a bad fit of depression a few years ago, I stopped caring, and stopped doing regular homework. As a result, today I am several weeks behind in all my courses, and brutally failing. I have very difficult courses (2 University courses and 2 advanced placement courses. Maths and Sciences, no doubt) and have dug my self a deep, deep hole in less than 2 months. I have no idea how I'm going to get from failing to above a 70% average before exams…especially with the fact that today I found out that only the first half my Calculus course counts towards my mark, meaning that I got to do extremely well on the last few assignments/quizzes/tests and the exam in order to get a passing mark. It will be hell, but it's something I got to do.
But now that I realize what I want to do in University, I'm asking myself "Why am I taking the extremely hard courses and not doing any work and failing when I could take easy courses, not do any work and pass?" It's obviously because last year I thought I was going into the medical career, but I really should have changed my semester around in September, and then I wouldn't be in this situation. And I wouldn't have to deal with the stuck up, rich, preppy kids either. They keep asking me "What is your mark, Kristal? What did you get on your test, Kristal?" etc etc. I always say, "I don't discuss marks." because it's really none of their business. This therefore poses the question "Why ask if you don't care?" (Hence the title of this blog.) Because really, they are not friends with me, I don't talk to them (and vice versa), and my mark has nothing to do with them. I believe they are asking in order to feel a sense of superiority against me. I don't know if they realize I'm failing (they prob. do) but really, they should be concerned about their own mark, not mine. I feel shitty enough for being selfish and not doing anything, I don't need them laughing at me along the way.
High school is bullshit. It's shit years in which the problems we face do not matter in the long run. Sure, things like pregnancies will affect those girls who get pregnant, but really, 90% of the people in my classes are caught up in the world of sports, student council meetings, drinking with friends and homework, and complain when a teacher they have tries to teach like a university professor to get them prepared for real life. It annoys me that they live in this protective little bubble of meaningless gossip, and unleash their "problems" unto other people.
I'm just glad that I got out of that group many years ago. I believe my friends really do understand the real world, and understand real problems. Of course we all bitch about our problems, but I really do think all my friends problems are true and really matter: they aren't about a basketball game, they are about illness, poverty and drug use. Of course we all worry about friends (myself included) but I believe in order to really be a high school student that's prepared for real life once they get out, we must know and experience bits of reality outside our shell. Of course, we all must enjoy friends: that's the fun! But we mustn’t be ignorant either.
I love you guys, truly and deeply. I'm so glad you face reality instead of ignore it. Don't ever lose that about you.
-Kristal St. Jean
Depressed -----------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Problem Child
I fucking hate one-to-one tutorials.
I was already depressed, and all the things I dicussed with Sarah today didn't help my mood at all.
For a start, she thinks I'm eligible for a university scholarship. We're unsure on the exact amount of UCAS points needed, because two websites say two different things. Either way, I won't meet either of the requirements, because I'm a failure.
That and the fact I don't even plan to go to the university open day next Wednesday that I've signed up for. For one, I'm not totally sure on where I'm supposed to go. I'm useless like that. I'm also too nervous, so I'd fuck it up anyway. So I'm not going to go. But, if I don't - I'll have to go to my lessons, indeed, risk being asked why I'm not there - namely by Sarah - and what am I supposed to say? And how do I expect to get anywhere if I don't go to these open days. Sigh.
Oh, and she's asked Dianne to take me on again for more sessions.
I feel like I'm abusing the system. Dianne is only supposed to see students for 8 weeks. Last year, she saw me for 20. And here I am the next year wanting/needing to go back? She helped a tiny bit, but how much am I actually expecting?
One-to-one tutorials are meant to only be 15 minutes - but because I'm such a shaking mass of issues and problems, Sarah was lumbered with me for 50.
Sigh.
And tonight when I got home, I did that what I haven't for so long. It felt so good too. It bled a lot. I've cut a lot of them - oddly enough, my right arm is worse than my left one, which makes no sense, me being right-handed and all.
"A hug is worth a thousand words. A friend is worth more."
-I never wanted physical because I valued our friendship more than that, and I wanted to keep it that way. Remember what happened and then let it go. It's done and over with and needs to be brought up no more. It won't happen again, and I'm tired of hearing, of knowing, that you wouldn't mind if it did. I value our friendship more than that. I guess I'm partially angry because you don't. I'm not attracted to you, never have been, hence why I kept my eyes closed. But when I opened them and realized it's you, it fell apart. Yes it felt good, yes it was fun, but the after is what I don't like. I didn't like the fact that I crossed a line I never wanted to. I don't like that I've lied to my father and my brother and everyone that I'd never do such a thing with you. It's done. Leave it at that and don't take it as some fucking personal insult. It won't happen again, I swear to you, myself and whatever gods are out there. It won't. I won't let it. Our friendship is worth a lot, and too much to be built around something so simple and fleeting. There is no attraction between us from my side. I know your feelings, but now you know mine. You don't attract me and never have, that's also partially why I'm mad. I let it go far because of the experience, not the person or the emotions. Let it go.
"Though our communication wanes at times of absence, I'm aware of a strength that emanates in the background."
We haven't been talking. Or when we have it's been annoyance, aggression or simple disinterest. We're bored, I'm annoyed, and we just aren't dealing with things the same way. It's affecting us sure, but does it really mean that our friendship isn't there? or is dissipating? I don't think so, or it wouldn't upset us so much. We've been through this and I know I can't just give up our years of friendship over something so simply stupid as boredom. Our en is still there. We just have to deal with the fact that life has hit a rut and it's affecting us.
"True friendship is never serene."
As it says. I believe ours is a true friendship, because so far you are the only person I know I'd be willing to die for, or who would just ruin my life if something happened to you and you died. We can know what the other is going to say before we say it, we know how we're going to react to things, but it doesn't stop us from going through the same things. Friendship is never easy. When we're together it's fun and at times hectic or serious even, but isn't that what defines our friendship? It's never calm completely, how could we survive or change or help each other if we never fought or pushed each other? Friendship makes us better if it's true.
"The friendship that can cease has never been real."
Remember when I'd said that time about the tattoos? I had said that we should get matching tattoos or something like that to remember each other by. I said that even if we "ended" our friendship for whatever reason, I would still want it. Do you remember why? I said that it was because that even if we hated each other, couldn't stand to even talk to each other, I would still want it because I would still regardless love you. That I wouldn't want to forget those years, all this time of us being together. I wouldn't want to forget the good AND the bad times. I just can't do that, I can't stand the thought that even if something happened bad enough to split us up, that I would just want to forget everything between us. You mean to much to me, you've been through too much with me and you know me too well. It just won't happen. Even when we are fighting I still wear your dog tag. I know you don't wear mine, but eh. It still means something and reminds me that we'll always be a part of one and another, even if we end up hating each other, it won't destroy the love I have in my heart. It won't destroy the memories. So in that sense our friendship can never end. We have an En that always will be and I'll keep that until I die.
"The best mirror is an old friend."
This is probably one of the truest quotes I know. We know each other inside and out, so when we react or get into fights, It makes me think, "what did I do" or "what did he do". It makes me look at myself when you act a certain way. It makes me think, am I doing something different? We know each other almost too well and because of that we can't help but see ourselves in each other. When I think about us over the years I notice subtle changes that I can't explain, but that I just know came from me, and vice versa. Little things about me that have just shifted into my life from you. From just knowing you, I can see the same in you. I can't look at you without seeing me. That makes me think about everytime we get into fights. I put this down because the moment I saw it, I just smiled, and then stared at it, thinking "how can I smile when right now we're fighting?" then I thought about it. Why would I smile when I think about us being mirrors of eachother? Then it hit me. Maybe I should look at you and why I'm mad and think about that. It just made me go, well if he's depressed over something and then upset, and then I get angry over it, maybe... maybe it's also me who's upset, but I'm reacting in MY way, and he's reacting in HIS way to MY emotions. And vice versa. We're both bored and then suddenly he's depressed and I'm angry. So ? I react with anger, and he reacts with depression, but he is annoyed instead. That's me I see. That's why I smiled. We're both thinking and reacting the same way without knowing it. It probably didn't make much sense to read this, but ...in a weird way it does to me. How can I be angry at just him. As I wrote before, it takes two. We react to each other just too much. So I'm smiling. Why are we fighting at all? It's reactions. Not fighting.
"Friendship is always a sweet responsibilty, never an oppourtunity."
Friendship isn't something you can choose to pass by or grab for success. It's an ongoing responsibilty. It requires constant loyalty and constant judging and constant rethinking. What good could we truly be as friends if we didn't fight? or try to convert or change or get mad at one and another? We're friends, and it requires effort on both our parts.
"When friends stop being frank and useful to each other, the whole world loses some of its radiance."
If we stopped telling each other how we feel about things truthfully, then what good is it to be able to talk to your best friend? That's like every other person. Just saying what you want to hear, it's pointless. A friend is one who says what they will in order to give you truth. A friend isn't one who should try to please and constantly "submit" or "follow". A friend is an equal. Sure there are leaders among friends per say, but it's an equal group none-the-less because the others can choose to follow, they provide guidence to make sure they are being led in the right direction. They provide a reality check and give their opinions. If I wanted someone who would follow blindly and just try to please me, then I wouldn't be friends with you. I want someone who can stand beside me. Who can actually fend for himself once in a while. Who doesn't just leave me to make all the decisions. I'm tired of all the decisions, of being the pushy, controlling one. I know that's who I am but I like a break once in a while, I can't and I won't plan your life, and I won't keep trying to push you. I know I've said it before but you just keep backtracking. I won't listen to you complain and get depressed over not doing something, over just sitting around, only to say you want to do something and then not do anything about it. You get a job, get a permit, get money and start on our plan that we said we would. I won't try if you won't help to make a future. We have a plan, so why aren't you following it? Stop getting bent out of shape over boredom and fucking do something about it. Stop just sitting around, creating problems among your so-called friends, and DO something. I can't talk to you anymore because it's the same things and then I mention something you just brush it off or get annoyed. Well? You said you wanted to follow me, so you're going to pull your own fucking weight or you might as well just stop now and replan your life. I don't want our plans to change. I like it, and I don't like the though of not going through with it and living with you, but I WON'T keep pushing you. You are the one who's going to make the choice. Do you want to come to findlay with me and everything as planned? If you do, then why aren't you trying harder to make it work? As fun as it is, there is no lottery or sweepstakes to be won, there is no golden way to do it. We have to try and make it work. So TRY. Get a job so you can save, so you can help me save so we can get a house in findlay as planned. I realized this last night but part of what had me so agitated I think is that when mom had mentioned buying a house for us and whatnot, you said you didn't mind, you would go with it. Before you'd said you wouldn't want her help. What changed? Tha'ts why the million dollar thing got to me. It made me doubt whether I could count on you to pull your weight. I mean, what have you been doing? you seem in no hurry to get a job or permit or anything, and seem content to sleep the day away. So what have you done to make me believe in you? Try Suave. That's all I'm asking, unless you no longer want to. I'm your friend and I want to help you any way I can, but I need to know where you're going to help you get there.
"Life is partly what we make it, and partly what is made by the friends whom we choose."
As it says, life is what we make it, but it's also what is made by our friends. You are my friend, so are you going to be one I can count on? To be proud of? I said it before, I won't base my life around a nobody nothing who doesn't try. I can't, it simply wouldn't work. I said I'd except if you wanted to live your life poorly, but if you want to come with me to findlay and everything as planned, it's not an option. We have a plan, but it requires 2. It's half and half Suave. If you don't try, you can't pay up your half in will or acuality. So... what is your life going to be?
"Never kiss a friend. If you have deeper feelings, never reveal them. You will lose that friend forever..."
The wording of this nearly made me skip it, but it just said too much what I thought. I addressed this in the begining, but this quote worked too well. Never go past a hug with a friend you value. Never push past a friendship with physical love. It'll change things forever. If we can forget I think things can be saved, but not if you hold a hope or want of doing it again. I am making it clear as possible. I WON'T let it happen again. I don't WANT to do it again, and I know regardless you'll find a way to make it a fucking depression, I am not attracted to you. I never have been, and never will be. You aren't my type and I hate saying it. Now don't take it in a different wording. I haven't lied when I say I think you are attractive. I think you are, and could be more if you are willing to try to be, but I'm just not attracted TO you. I know I know I know. You think I am and would be willing to do it again or fine if it happened. But STOP saying and/or mentioning it. I know how you feel, stop throwing it in my face. I don't feel the same as well. enough is enough leave it at that. I was reading these quotes and I had felt a sense of enlightenment, a relaxation like "I can get through this, something so stupid, why are we fighting?" and I know we can, just not if things aren't clear. I don't care how much you would or wouldn't or think about it, DON"T. as far as I'm concerned, it's forgotten. No I won't forget it ever, maybe that's bad, maybe that's good, I don't know. but between us, it is no more. I don't think I'd even forget it if I could choose to. It has taught me too much, but it doesn't mean I have to keep hearing about it. I remember, you remember, now drop it and pretend we both forget. It's pointless to hold hope for talk about something that isn't happening again.
"A good friend is hard to find, hard to lose, and impossible to forget..."
You are a good friend and I found you by fate or luck or whatever and I find to lose you is painful, and a lot harder to just let go, if not impossible. As for forgetting, it is impossible. Even hate won't change the memories, and thus you'll always be a friend regardless of what happens between us. So remember what we are and we can get past the stupidity.
"Everyone hears what you say. Friends listen to what you say. Best friends listen to what you don't say."
Who are you Suave? I thought you were my Best Friend. You know me, so why have you been all but oblivious during the past few weeks, months even? I have to scream at you or be aggressive because you just haven't been paying attention. You just try to avoid things, and you KNOW me. You know that doesn't work with me. So why? What's going on with you Suave? You're the one who knows me best, you're the one who I care about most, you're the one who I thought cared about me the most. So why aren't you catching the signals? There was a time I wouldnt' have to tell you anything, you'd know what was wrong or at least catch the hint before it hit an explosion. Why not start listening to me as you know me, and not just being an everone.. . . .
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The things that apply solely to you:
"He who has imagination without learning has wings but no feet."
You know why I get so mad at you? You contradict yourself so badly over things that are important. You have a big imagination, but when it comes to something that can be fun, you dismiss it because it's not crazy enough, because there's a chance it WON"T happen. I think the reason you don't try is like with the grades, you don't want to be dissappointed in the end, that you "didn't try hard enough". Stop it, stop stopping things before they start and stop living in a fucking game world. It's one thing to imagine, but stop using it to not think about reality. The million dollar thing pissed me off because while it was for fun, it also had a serious quality to it in the sense that it was like a gauge to see what we could make work. You said you could live off of a million and you've been constantly fucking joking about it even though you knew I was pissed about it. Even after the facts you just blow it off as 'oh I could anyway'. You really that oblivious and quick to give up and live without working? That's what you seem to like to imagine, that if you won a lottery or whatever got you rich, you'd just stop and live off of it, instead of earning, of THINKING about a futrue, you'd just stop before it fucking began. Is this what I can count on in the future? Not talking about winning a fucking lottery or sweepstakes, I'm talking seriously, if we manage to make it to findlay with even 25,000 saved(which will be a fucking miracle) then what happens when we get there? Can I count on you to actually try and find a job and work and HELP or can I count on you getting a job then deciding you're sick one day and then not going in, and so on and so on. Can you be trusted with money? I want to save but lately I haven't be because everytime I try something comes up or I just don't because I think, well why should I? It's not like Suave cares. It's not like Andrew is trying, so why should I? Hell why don't we just go to findlay with 200 bucks and see what the fuck happens. I can just picture the smartass remark of "ok let's go" or something that just makes me want to hit you. Seriously, can you be trusted to pull through and follow our plan? You need to make it clear whether you're serious about coming with me or not, because I've about had it and don't see you as coming. I WANT you to come, I REALLY really do.You know I do, but at this rate I'm not sure if it's possible if you won't try.
"If your aim in life is nothing; you can't miss. You can't win either."
If you don't try, sure you won't lose, but you won't get anywhere either. So tell me Suave, are you really that much of a coward when it comes to failure?
"I don't know the key to success, but the key to failure is trying to please everyone."
You constantly trying to please me, trying to either avoid a fight by not talking or by saying what I want to hear won't help things. It'll just make them worse. Stand up and say what you will, stop leaving me to step up and drag things out of you after yelling at you for however long. Things seem to be getting worse partially because we're bored, so I've gotten to the point where when you choose not to take the inititave, I just say ok and leave, because I'm TIRED, sick and tired, of having to make the decisions, only to argue with you about getting them acted on. You don't like listening to my decisions, so why not make some of your own?
"The key to pleasing friends is not to try to please them."
This is one I added and made up. Essentialy the same thing, but more direct. You want to make me happy? Stop trying to just make me happy. Do something for yourself. Please. Just stop ignoring and getting annoyed with what I say. If you don't want to hear it or follow it, tell me so, and then tell me what you're going to do about it. The main question is whether you still plan on following our plan, and after that if you do, then DO something about it.
Part of the reason I've been so angry is that when I'm crunching numbers and trying to think of ways to make our plan possible without some imaginary lottery win or something, it seems really bleak right now. I'm staring at my charts I made, and considering I wasn't counting on losing my job and then you not getting one, we lost a good chunk. So how are we supposed to get there? I have no doubt reading this will make you depressed, and go "ahhh, we'll never get there*depression*" but we still can, we just BOTH have to TRY to do something about it. Why do you think I've been so made at you? Stop sitting around and doing nothing and complaining. There's no dream achieving money coming pouring down. We still live in the real world and we have to do something about it. So are you in or out?
Today is world-on-your-shoulders day. There’s problem to my left, and another to my right. Looking down a problem waits there for me too… and looking up a huge rock just waits to fall down on me hanging on a thread. So am stuck in the middle, can’t go anywhere.
Have you had that kind of day?
I guess every normal air breathing person goes through such a time. The feeling is like drowning with the waters up to your neck and rising. Or something like so dumbstruck and numb with anxiety and your feet feels glued to the ground; you’d like to run but your legs won’t cooperate.
Then you want to quit.
What -- Quit the world or living in it? Quit the thrill of facing a challenge? Quit the promise of a blessing at the end of the dark tunnel? Quit the opportunity and possibility for great achievement? Quit the potential to become a better person in winning over the struggle and strife? Quit knowing your GOD better? I can tick off dozens of reasons and things you would be losing by quitting.
Truth is, all that you need to do is…
Have faith. Believe in yourself. Believe on the ONE set of footprints on the sand when two of you are walking on it.
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