Problem @ MindSay 
mindsay
A lot of people tell me to just be myself and don't worry about what others think. I'm always afraid to be myself though because my attitude can be off-putting and I'm often too negative and morbid. I've been pretending to be someone that I'm not and all it's doing is wearing me down. It's way too exhausting to keep denying myself.
On the other hand, God wants me to deny myself and fight against my sinful nature. He doesn't want me to listen to songs about serial killers or cuss or anything like that. Trying to deny myself for God is very tiring and difficult and I don't want to do it because I enjoy who I am and love my music. I enjoy the things that God finds detestable.
So, you see... I'm being pulled apart by God and society. God says, "Don't be yourself. Be like Me." But society says, "Be yourself and don't worry what everyone thinks." Obviously, society is much more appealing but I know that's not the right answer. This is all very stressful.
"If you belonged to the world, it would love you as its own. As it is, you do not belong to the world, but I have chosen you out of the world. That is why the world hates you." John 15:19
"I have given them your word and the world has hated them, for they are not of the world any more than I am of the world." John 17:14
Let me try and put this weird feeling into words. It's like I've got this huge wall surrounding my brain and I can only exist outside of this wall. All my present thoughts and feelings are outside of this wall. The rest of me - my core being - is behind the wall, buried in my brain. It feels totally unreachable to me. The wall is too high to climb and too thick to break through. I can't even see or feel my core being. It's like blocked out from my sight. I try to think about how I've felt some time in the past and I can't recall anything. I can only sense myself thinking about it, but nothing is there. Does that make sense? I can't reach myself.
Who am I? People will tell me that I am Elyse and will tell me all about my life, but I don't feel like myself. I can't sense myself inside of me. No, really... who am I?
It either doesn't recognise that my image is formatted correctly. (As far as I know?)
Or, whenever I get to crop it to how I want it to look, it turns into a broken image.
Errrghht.
._.' I'm gonna go watch Monty Python.
><; FIX IT! Or not... I'm okay with either... I guess, not really. But it's okay...I wont' die.
[I think we need to take away those children worker's food and waters away again...getting spoiled. =p]
WARNING: CRUDE STUFF AHEAD.
What You Don’t Get
You knock on the door,
Pissed because something didn’t go your way;
Marching in, with bloody knuckles and tousled hair,
I’m feeling pretty down, so let’s make this short, okay?
Your girlfriend didn’t wanna fuck,
And your friends weren’t up to getting drunk tonight;
Got kicked out of the bar,
Because some little dickhead wanted to pick a fight.
Yeah, sure, I’m pretty fucked up,
But, then again, you’re pretty damn fucked up, too;
I ain’t got no sweet-tasting remedy,
For your eternal case of the blues.
If you ain’t gonna listen,
You might as well just go back home;
I’m no miracle worker,
So stop shouting at me for wanting to be alone.
You never realized,
How narrow-minded you actually are;
I can’t help you,
Mend your wounds and stitch your scars.
Stop hatin’ on the world,
It gets us nowhere;
Stop holding grudges on the innocent,
When you really should be blamin’ you and your own affairs.
I care too much,
When you can’t give a fuck;
Empathy is in my nature,
Well, I guess ignorance is in yours.
I tried to help you once, twice, a third,
I can say that I tried;
Well, dear, the problem ain’t me,
The issue is that your heart withered and died.
Stop complaining that I sound like a bitch,
I’m being open and honest, I’m gonna tell the truth;
You came to me, so that’s how it’s gonna be,
Hey, I’m not the only one who’s acting uncouth.
I know, friend, I sound like I’m smart,
It’s past experiences that have made me that way;
But I’ve offered all I can,
And now there’s nothing left to give.
Now, get out of my face,
With your skin toned red, and breath of stale cigarettes;
Turn around, close the door on your way out,
We both know this ain’t over yet.
Yeah, seeya fuckin’ next time…
I can’t really complain,
It happens often, every now and again;
People knockin’ hard upon my door,
Wanting me to take away the pain.
They don’t know how lucky they have it,
What they don’t seem to understand, what isn't clear;
Is that it takes everything in me,
Just to make myself believe that I can feel.
---
Emily G. Fieldus
March 16th, 2009
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Dixie currently feels:
Depressed
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Blog #40
Problem ALMOST Solved
I bloody hate Mondays.
There's really no fucking point in going into college for just one sodding lesson.
One sodding HOUR, practically.
But either way.
Ash watched the trailer first draft on Saturday.
Shelly made out that she proper hated it, but she just didn't like the order of the clips.
Sarah watched it today and identified what the problem was - the speed.
It's currently far too slow to be a slasher horror. It's also a bit TOO revealing.
So yes, in this case - less IS more.
I shall be sorting this problem later.
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I bought myself an XL bacon double sandwich from Burger King and a pack of Kinder snack bars from B&M - got the 64 home, then sat on the sofa and chilled out, eating my nosh and watching Spongebob.
I got the urge to play Donkey Konga 2.
I finished off the whole of Chimp duet mode - then finished all but one song on Chimp beat-mix.
There's only ONE song I can't get gold DK on. It's PISSING ME OFF.
I returned to Resident Evil shortly after.
I have a save point just outside the first battle with Tyrant. I can't be arsed with him at the moment, he can taste my magnum later.
In other news, I've decided not to waste my life away with Neopets.
I'm not going on it again - to ever accomplish anything on that game, you have to dedicate at least 4 hours a day for two years.
Can't be arsed, to be honest.
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Shelly rang me later on. We talked for a few hours, then she got a phone call on the house phone.
Her nana's died - I feel so bad for her. She cried on her phone for about 10 minutes and nearly gave herself a panic attack. I had to calm her down as best as I could, trying to help her relax enough to be able to breathe normally again.
I know how that is. It's not easy being a manic depressive asthmatic. When one cries, one cannot breathe.
So it looks like I'm spending the day with Ash tomorrow.
...Even though I feel really fucking weird towards her at the moment.
She's on MSN, I've let her know about Shelly, and also that there's things I need to talk to her about.
I don't want to upset her though... It's about time she knew the truth about how I feel about her and how her hostility makes me feel...
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And I'm also in a dilemma - do I go to Southend... Do I miss off a few Photography lessons, miss seeing Ash and comforting Shelly, having to lie to Aunty Betty about how my life is going and share a room with my nana... Having to see my nana upset after her sister's funeral and leave grandad here on his own...
Or do I go to Southend to see Aunty Betty and Uncle Roy?
...Jesus Christ, talk about outweighing reasons.
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