Problem @ MindSay

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I fucking hate one-to-one tutorials.
I was already depressed, and all the things I dicussed with Sarah today didn't help my mood at all.

For a start, she thinks I'm eligible for a university scholarship. We're unsure on the exact amount of UCAS points needed, because two websites say two different things. Either way, I won't meet either of the requirements, because I'm a failure.
That and the fact I don't even plan to go to the university open day next Wednesday that I've signed up for. For one, I'm not totally sure on where I'm supposed to go. I'm useless like that. I'm also too nervous, so I'd fuck it up anyway. So I'm not going to go. But, if I don't - I'll have to go to my lessons, indeed, risk being asked why I'm not there - namely by Sarah - and what am I supposed to say? And how do I expect to get anywhere if I don't go to these open days. Sigh.

Oh, and she's asked Dianne to take me on again for more sessions.
I feel like I'm abusing the system. Dianne is only supposed to see students for 8 weeks. Last year, she saw me for 20. And here I am the next year wanting/needing to go back? She helped a tiny bit, but how much am I actually expecting?
One-to-one tutorials are meant to only be 15 minutes - but because I'm such a shaking mass of issues and problems, Sarah was lumbered with me for 50.

Sigh.
And tonight when I got home, I did that what I haven't for so long. It felt so good too. It bled a lot. I've cut a lot of them - oddly enough, my right arm is worse than my left one, which makes no sense, me being right-handed and all.

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Mam and dad went to the Redcar Races today, so I was staying at nana's for most of the day.
From around 11 till about 6.

I ate lunch with them, then sat with nana and watched TV for a while. Grandad was then watching the football, so nana and I were listening to 8 Out Of 10 Cats podcasts on my iPod.
Lisa can provide endless hours of entertainment. :)

We baked cakes together for tea - I asked if we could make butterfly cakes, so we weighed everything out, mixed it together and baked it - nana and I took turns at whisking, I mixed up the eggs and she spooned it out into the baking trays.
Then I sprinkled some chocolate chips on the top afterwards and nana let me eat the ones that were left - and I licked the bowl .:D

Making cakes from scratch is proper mint - they always turn out pretty well.
Nana made sausage rolls as well.

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After this, we went into the front bedroom - nana started work on a new jigsaw - a rather strange one, as it's circular, as opposed to the traditional square or rectangle ones. The pieces are a weird shape too.
This one follows the old time sort of theme, it's an Edwardian chimney-sweep walking along a street.

I set up my Playstation and I had a quick go of Harvest Moon: Back To Nature, finished off a few days in Summer - there's only about one or two left until it's Autumn.
Oddly though, I quickly tired of it, so I switched to Final Fantasy VII instead.

The only two characters left to get up to level 99 now are Vincent and Red XIII - the two who I use the least.

In order, it probably goes (ignoring Cloud, as he HAS to be there... And ignoring Aeris, because she'd dead...) - Cait Sith, Tifa, Yuffie, Cid, Barret, Red XIII, Vincent.

I can't stand Vincent, he's so fucking useless.
The only reason he got like the leading role in Dirge Of Cerberus is because he's emo-looking, and that makes all the fangirls orgasm.

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Tea was pretty epic as always - nana made ham and cheese sarnies - and we ate the sausage rolls and butterfly cakes we'd made. And of course - there was the almighty Polony sausage. It's so fucking legend - I usually end up eating practically the whole thing. :)

Mam and dad came for me at about 6 - and mam had bought me a tube of gormet jelly beans.
Sigh, I don't like the shitty English rip-offs half as much as I like the American imports.
There's a major difference in price like.

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Back at home, I got the idea to make an AMV-style video - using clips from Final Fantasy VII's battles and cutscenes. I planned to put them together with Precious Jerusalem by Blind Guardian.
But of course - there has to be a fuck-up involved.
I ripped all the videos I wanted from YouTube - downloaded the codecs I needed - but when I went to cut sections out from the clips, I lost all the video and all that was left was the sound.

This fucking happened before - so I'm going to have to save them all as .movs or .mp4s and then convert them back to .avis.
Either that, or save them as .wmvs - but that means losing a shitload of the quality.

GAH...

WARNING: CRUDE STUFF AHEAD.

What You Don’t Get

You knock on the door,
Pissed because something didn’t go your way;
Marching in, with bloody knuckles and tousled hair,
I’m feeling pretty down, so let’s make this short, okay?

Your girlfriend didn’t wanna fuck,
And your friends weren’t up to getting drunk tonight;
Got kicked out of the bar,
Because some little dickhead wanted to pick a fight.

Yeah, sure, I’m pretty fucked up,
But, then again, you’re pretty damn fucked up, too;
I ain’t got no sweet-tasting remedy,
For your eternal case of the blues.

If you ain’t gonna listen,
You might as well just go back home;
I’m no miracle worker,
So stop shouting at me for wanting to be alone.

You never realized,
How narrow-minded you actually are;
I can’t help you,
Mend your wounds and stitch your scars.

Stop hatin’ on the world,
It gets us nowhere;
Stop holding grudges on the innocent,
When you really should be blamin’ you and your own affairs.

I care too much,
When you can’t give a fuck;
Empathy is in my nature,
Well, I guess ignorance is in yours.

I tried to help you once, twice, a third,
I can say that I tried;
Well, dear, the problem ain’t me,
The issue is that your heart withered and died.

Stop complaining that I sound like a bitch,
I’m being open and honest, I’m gonna tell the truth;
You came to me, so that’s how it’s gonna be,
Hey, I’m not the only one who’s acting uncouth.

I know, friend, I sound like I’m smart,
It’s past experiences that have made me that way;
But I’ve offered all I can,
And now there’s nothing left to give.

Now, get out of my face,
With your skin toned red, and breath of stale cigarettes;
Turn around, close the door on your way out,
We both know this ain’t over yet.

Yeah, seeya fuckin’ next time…

I can’t really complain,
It happens often, every now and again;
People knockin’ hard upon my door,
Wanting me to take away the pain.

They don’t know how lucky they have it,
What they don’t seem to understand, what isn't clear;
Is that it takes everything in me,
Just to make myself believe that I can feel.

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Emily G. Fieldus
March 16th, 2009

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Dixie currently feels:

 Depressed

 

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Blog #40

Problem ALMOST Solved

 

 

I bloody hate Mondays.

There's really no fucking point in going into college for just one sodding lesson.

One sodding HOUR, practically.

 

But either way.

Ash watched the trailer first draft on Saturday.

Shelly made out that she proper hated it, but she just didn't like the order of the clips.

Sarah watched it today and identified what the problem was - the speed.

It's currently far too slow to be a slasher horror. It's also a bit TOO revealing.

So yes, in this case - less IS more.

 

I shall be sorting this problem later.

 

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I bought myself an XL bacon double sandwich from Burger King and a pack of Kinder snack bars from B&M - got the 64 home, then sat on the sofa and chilled out, eating my nosh and watching Spongebob.

 

I got the urge to play Donkey Konga 2.

I finished off the whole of Chimp duet mode - then finished all but one song on Chimp beat-mix.

There's only ONE song I can't get gold DK on. It's PISSING ME OFF.

 

I returned to Resident Evil shortly after.

I have a save point just outside the first battle with Tyrant. I can't be arsed with him at the moment, he can taste my magnum later.

 

In other news, I've decided not to waste my life away with Neopets.

I'm not going on it again - to ever accomplish anything on that game, you have to dedicate at least 4 hours a day for two years.

Can't be arsed, to be honest.

 

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Shelly rang me later on. We talked for a few hours, then she got a phone call on the house phone.

Her nana's died - I feel so bad for her. She cried on her phone for about 10 minutes and nearly gave herself a panic attack. I had to calm her down as best as I could, trying to help her relax enough to be able to breathe normally again.

 

I know how that is. It's not easy being a manic depressive asthmatic. When one cries, one cannot breathe.

 

So it looks like I'm spending the day with Ash tomorrow.

...Even though I feel really fucking weird towards her at the moment.

 

She's on MSN, I've let her know about Shelly, and also that there's things I need to talk to her about.

I don't want to upset her though... It's about time she knew the truth about how I feel about her and how her hostility makes me feel...

 

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And I'm also in a dilemma - do I go to Southend... Do I miss off a few Photography lessons, miss seeing Ash and comforting Shelly, having to lie to Aunty Betty about how my life is going and share a room with my nana... Having to see my nana upset after her sister's funeral and leave grandad here on his own...

 

Or do I go to Southend to see Aunty Betty and Uncle Roy?

 

...Jesus Christ, talk about outweighing reasons.

Well it turns out I won't be getting "Smokey Joe".

He has a marking problem and is agressive towards small children.

And as it turns out, I would not like to have a dog running around in a diaper and that would attack my boyfriend's nephew.


Not good.


I'll just wait to get a puppy......

:[




Which is WAY more money than I have. :[[[[