Possibilities @ MindSay 
love
A Survival Kit for Every Day
TOOTHPICK ... to remind you to pick the good qualities in everyone, including yourself.
RUBBER BAND ... to remind you to be flexible. Things may not always go the way you want, but they can be worked out.
BAND-AID ... to remind you to heal hurt feelings, whether yours or someone else's.
ERASER ... to remind you everyone makes mistakes. That's okay, we learn by our errors.
CANDY KISS ... to remind you everyone needs a hug or a kind word everyday.
MINT ... to remind you that you are worth a mint to your family.
BUBBLE GUM ... to remind you to stick with it and you can accomplish anything.
PENCIL ... to remind you to list your blessings every day.
TEA BAG ... to remind you to take time to relax daily and go over that list of God's blessings.
This is what makes life worth
living every minute, every day.
For fun, I have bagged these items,
and given them as gifts.
Not expensive, but often valuable!
Clarissa Vaughn: I remember one morning getting up at dawn, there was such a sense of possibility. You know, that feeling? And I remember thinking to myself: So, this is the beginning of happiness. This is where it starts. And of course there will always be more. It never occurred to me it wasn't the beginning. It was happiness. It was the moment. Right then.
~ The Hours
Okay, I know I haven't been to this blog in a LONG while, but forgive me!!
I read this in a group I belong to and found it completely empowering ~ I hope you do too!
We are what we believe or so they say 
Enjoy!
~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~
Our beliefs are never neutral. Thy either hold us back or move us
forward, but what many of us forget, is that we choose what we believe.
Your attitudes and beliefs determine your thoughts and feelings and
logically from that, you make choices and decisions. For example, if
your dream is to grow your business and you don't believe it's
possible, you may have thoughts such as, "it's going to be too
difficult," or you may feel overwhelmed by the idea. If you follow
that thinking, chances are high that you will give up before you fully
explore the possibilities around this dream.
On the other hand, if you believe in yourself and therefore believe in
your dreams, you are more likely to realize how much you want this
dream and will be more likely to act on it. A positive belief will
support you while a negative belief may destroy you; or at least your
dream.
The most detrimental beliefs are what I call the "The Three Human
Being Biggies." The first one is scarcity and translates to thoughts
or comments such as, "I don't have enough time, money or energy." The
second has to do with inadequacy and sounds like, "I'm not (blank)
enough." The most common fill-ins include: "I'm not: old enough, young
enough, rich enough, or smart enough." Finally, the belief that can be
most destructive to your dreams is not trusting. If you don't trust
yourself, life or the "grand plan", it can be challenging to even have
dreams, much less pursue them.
How do you change from a limiting belief (that holds you back) to an
empowering belief (that can catapult you forward or set you free)? I
can answer that in one word. Choice. I will repeat; we choose what we
believe and if we don't manage our mind and pay attention to what we
are thinking, what we often get by default, are old limiting beliefs.
Choosing an empowering belief that will support you over a limiting
belief that may sabotage you makes sense, but it can feel like a leap
of faith that's just too big to take. If that's the case try this
approach. The way to shift is through willingness, courage and
practice. Be willing to choose a new positive belief. Demonstrate your
courage by acting on that new belief and then practice doing it over
and over again until it changes from a negative belief to a positive
belief, and ultimately to a transparent belief. This means it no
longer exists and is not even on your radar. It's gone!
Can it be this easy? If you believe it can be and are willing to give
it a shot, then yes. And why should you believe it? How about because
it matters to you. Can you believe in something simply for this reason
and then prove that you really do believe in it, that you truly do
have faith, by acting on it? This is where miracles and transformation
occur.
~ by Marcia Wieder
Good old summer. The sun is out, its hot as hell, and every girl dresses as slutty as possible. Is there any better way to make me feel like shit? It's bad enough that I've gained at least 20lbs and gone up at least 4 sizes since i've gotten here, (on the plus side, my boobs have gone from a 36 C to between a 36 and a 38 D! XD) and now it's gonna be summer and I haven't dropped any of it. I suppose that it doesn't matter too much, but I think the only thing I currently have that will fit me is skirts, and I don't think I want to go to work in a skirt everyday. Perhaps I'm not as motivated as I should be. I can't believe that at one point I hated my body so much that I only ate one meal a day, only one serving of that meal, no snacks, and started walking three and a half miles home everyday. I got all the way down to 118! I'm sure you're all tired of hearing that story, but it's amazing! However, I was also cutting then, too, and I keep feeling like cutting when I binge, but I can't because J probably wouldn't want to see that. The first night I saw him was shortly after I cut and they still hadn't healed all the way. If the lighting had been off he would have seen them, but if he did he didn't say anything or seem to care. It's not something I want to risk again. If I could, I wouldn't drink or smoke pot or binge eat. I'd just cut and have sex all the time. But I can't. In just two weeks I'll be able to start cutting again, though. Pretty pathetic that that's the one major thing I'm looking forward to this summer, but such is my life. I have nothing else to look forward to and even though i've made a lot of progress, I'll still be surprised if I make it through alive. Three more months in that room. Three more months I have to sleep and live in that bed. Again. I swore I never would again but i fucked up and ballooned when I got here instead of losing weight so i could make money in porn or something and then I'd never have to go back. I wouldn't need this fucking summer job, and even if I hadn't found a place off campus I'd at least have one on. I fucking hate my body and I hate myself.
Well shit, this has turned into more than I had intended it to. Back to my original point, summer sux for any girl that basically isn't anorexic. Apparently a size nine is healthy, but if you look back at pictures of me on selfncreativity and such from like a year ago when I was a size nine, I still had plenty of flab. It's stupid that I have to starve myself in order for a bulk of society to consider me worth of any sort of attention. I know that that's not beauty to everyone. When I started ladydesire last fall, many people told me things about how nice it was to see a "real woman" and not one of those glossed up super models. I kept that in mind as I posted pictures. I have photoshop and very easily could have edited out pimples, my skin tag, and so on, but I thought about how artistically beautiful what I was doing really was because you never see that anymore. I'm happy with the pictures I've taken and posted, but I've just felt too shitty towards my body, my room, and pretty much all aspects of my life in general recently to take anymore. Hopefully the drive will come back to me.
btw, I have to return Finney's camera today, so no more pictures for a while. I still have some from times I went into the forest that I can post on selfncreativity, but that's it. When the hell I'm going to post them, I don't know. I've also been considering biting the bullet and telling my parents what happened with my camera. They seemed to have taken it well when my brother ran his cell phone through the washer and dryer, so we'll see how this goes. Then again, my brother is most deffinately the favorite, and I think he knows that. Sometime last month he finally admitted that our dad is sexist. Damn it I hate my dad...lol, wow this entry is going places. Don't even bother asking about that because I'm not even close to willing to go into that right now. So anyway, I guess I'll talk to my brother more about that and see what exactly happened so I can adequetly argue fairness.
Also, you can see that I have changed my icon. atashi made that for me, lol. I posted that when she did. I actually think she's too happy. :P But anyway, I felt it was time to change it. Not that I had that other picture up for very long, but I still wanted to change. In my detereorating state of self esteem I've grown disgusted with looking at myself. Even when I look in the mirror I can see the fat in my face. I don't have a way to punish myself because I can't cut for a while, so I just get out of control. I feel so helpless to everything. It was only a few weeks ago that I realized I'm not. My problem is that I always want fast results. I drink too fast because I wanna be drunk. I smoke a lot of pot because I wanna be stoned. Fuck waiting for it to kick in. You don't have to wait when you cut or fuck or binge eat. Damn, all this talk about food has made me hungry. I guess that now that i've bitched about my weight it's only appropriate that I go and eat some more, lol. Such is my life.
Shit, before I end this- One thing I keep forgetting to address is the fact that yes I do have a job, and every now and then I remind myself that there's a possibility that I can make some friends there. After all, we're fighting for a common cause, lol. That would be really cool. I keep forgetting that, though, or perhaps I just don't think about it because I don't want to get my hopes up. I've been starting to really want a girlfriend again, but I know I can't force it. It just has to happen. Also, because I'll have no social life, I've been considering getting another job at night. Just something like Taco Bell or Starbucks. That way I can make some extra money and I'll be out of the house that much more. I know J said he might take me to a rave over the summer, but I'm not counting on it, and that's the only possible social interaction I may have outside of work and family if it happens. I would love it if it did. And now that it's almost summer I'll probably start using his actual name, but I'm not sure. I'm just so paranoid. Someone can get my AIM on facebook, look at my profile on AIM and get my mindsay link, and then that would be that. Of course, I could just remove the link from my profile, lol. I'm such a stubborn dumbass sometimes. It just sux because one of the things that hurts most about this summer is still having a lot of my ex's stuff in my room, stuff Nam promised he'd get rid of for me, and he never did and it looks like he never will, and I have no one else to do me that favor. I can't do it. If i see him, his family, that house, any of that again, I very well may go on a killing spree. I don't trust myself at all. And it's damn near impossible that I'll make any friends over the summer so close that I pour my heart out to them about this shit and that they understand what I'm going through enough to do me this favor, let alone find a girlfriend. I'm too ambitious and I set my goals too high. I wonder if I subconsciously set myself up to fail...shit, this is getting really ranty. I'll go to homework or feed my fat ugly cow ass or something like that. Damn it i'm so disgusting.
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