Ponderings @ MindSay

We are all mostly just one person.  Now some people are a little bit more, and some are a little bit less.  It is odd to be chuggin along your life and encounter a situation that causes you to step beyond who you normally are to be someone else temporarily.  I imagine that if you encounter enough of these situation... you might end up adding that part into who you are.  

 

Actions are often prompted by situations.. how you react is a defining moment in who you are..

Not always is this the case, if you act first you can avoid certain situations all together, again prompting a display of who you are.

 

You must act.  Thus, you must solidify who you are.  All I think I have to say from here is Act wisely.

I've been contemplating some ideas, as people are oft known to do. I've been through some strange situations recently, and I want to know what others think of some ideas. Without giving you the back story, I just want some blind answers.

 

1. Is it better to tell the truth uncompromisingly, even if it might hurt someone? (Is it better that a painful truth is told than a comforting lie?)

2. "If you don't have anything nice to say, don't say it." What if you're not sure if it's nice or not? Should you say it anyway?

3. "Do unto others as you would have them do unto you." What if what you would have done unto you, was done to you? Does karma give you the right to do to them who did to you?

 

I'll post these in the forums, where I'm more likely to get responses, but I wanted them here, too. Please respond, no matter what you think of me personally.

 

 

I want to write a song that represents my feelings towards true love, being in love and falling in love.

 

 

All I have so far is the one line...

 

 

"I've been lonely so long it's just a dull ache in my stomach"

 

 

But I want the song to weave through the good and the bad and finish on a happy note...

 

 

*shrugs*

 

 

That's my randomness for today/night.

 

 

Toodles.

 

 

My last entry was written while I was not in the best of moods.  I was feeling mentally constipated and had the urge to swallow some laxative and get over with it.  In considering the mess of a final product, I was challenged to find how I've changed over the past five years without harping on my insecurities and having such a negative connotation.  Just not in so many words.

 

So, I think I shall try again.  And let the record show that this time, I'm in a much better mood.

 

 

Like I said, I had just recently turned 19.  I was truly living on my own - in as much truly as I could fathom for that time in my life.  Since then, I have made progress in the "on my own" department, but it was a huge step then.  This time five years ago, I was finishing up my first semester in college.  I had made several new friends, but I was about to form a few very important friendships.  Ones that hopefully will last the test of time. 

 

Five years ago, I found myself surrounded by a completely new environment.  Guys.  Dudes.  Young men.  Testosterone.  Until college, I enclosed myself in the female species.  I always felt more comfortable there.  So much comfort that a teacher deemed one corner of her classroom my harem - there was not a guy within two desks from me, and I chatted with them all.  Then Mom caught word of "my harem" and thus the term spread to social activities.  Then college presented itself.  My harem disappeared, and suddenly I had to become one of the guys.  Except, I knew nothing about sports and I didn't drink beer.  I could talk cars, but I was above some people and below others. 

 

Five years ago, I was literally living with one guy and surrounded by 38 others on my floor.  [Fortunately, I was only one floor up from 40 girls.  So I was not completely cut off from the fairer species.]  Yet I adapted and learned how to hang with the fellas [we were the Fifth Floor Fellas] and be one of the guys.  And in the process, I formed a few bonds that I hope will never die. 

 

Five years ago, I was about to end a very serious relationship.  But if it hadn't ended, despite my above average relationship maturity at the time, I would now find myself immature.  She taught me a lot.  I taught myself a lot.  I don't even know where to begin.  The girls I have dated since have also taught me many things.  I have taught me many things since that relationship five years ago.  I find myself now in a situation I've never truly been in before.  Would I change it?  Possibly.  But it would mean sacraficing a lot of things.  Like this.  The introspective path I am currently on would most likely suddenly change direction or stop completely until I build some sort of bridge for myself to continue.  I'm rather satisfied with my situation.  During the past five years, I have relied [consciously or not] on others to provide learning material.  I have learned from others' actions and reactions.  Now it is my turn.  This is not to say I'm no longer learning vicariously.  But ... but it's different.  I am at a loss for words, but hopefully the idea has been presented.

 

Five years ago, I was starting an education path I had never even heard of six and a half years ago.  Since then, I still have some of the same career ideas in mind.  But sometimes I wonder if that's because I say them out of habit or if I still truly want to do those things.  Management.  Yes, I would be good at management.  However, I look around and I do not like what I see.  Perhaps the government is not the best example to form an opionion on in terms of management.  But regardless, is that still something I want to do?  I say it too easily.  I say it as if it were second-natured.  But then I remember all the encouragement and the self-realisation that, yes, I could be an excellent manager.  The thought of being in that position scares me ... however in due time, I will be prepared to be the one making the decision.  The only trouble: I hate red tape.  I can't stand politics.  I don't like playing that game.  I know it is unavoidable, yet still ... I might definitely be in the wrong business to consider management.  But five years ago, I never thought I would be working for the government.  And who's to say I still will be in five years.  I am currently fulfilling an excellent opportunity, and without the past five years ... who knows where I would be?

 

Five years ago, I had no concept of where I might be physically.  Yet here I am.  A new place [albeit temporary]; a new life; new friends; new bonds.  I definitely wouldn't sacrafice this for a redone five years.

 

"Five years ago, I think I would be happy with myself now.  Generally speaking, that is.  I would smack myself upside the head for considering some of the options I chose along the way, but those are the breaks."

[I said that?!?]  Yeah, sure those are the breaks.  But how much of who I am today is because of those breaks.  I think a lot of me has come from what my parents instilled years ago.  For example, my parents did their best to teach me to be a polite young man; to be chivalrous.  They taught me to open doors for others, especially my elders; they taught me to say "Yes, sir" and "No sir" along with "Yes ma'am" and "No ma'am"; they taught me the "Please" and "Thank yous"; and to not sit like a lump with my mouth gaping open [a personal pieve of my father's].  They taught me many things when I was little.  Those traits didn't appear until high school.  I found chivalry attractive, and even though I like to be modest, chivalry made me attractive. 

 

Five years ago, I was still sorting through all of what my parents had taught me.  Five years later, I still have things to sort through, but now I truly have my own teachings to consider. 

 

So yeah, those are the breaks.  But where would I be today if I didn't have those breaks?  I definitely don't think I would be any better off without them. 

Five years ago ...  This requires some thinking.  Let's start with where was I five years ago.  Five years ago today I would've recently turned 19.  This means I was a freshman in college.  This is fitting.  If I were to have changed at all in the past twenty four years, I would guess freshman year of college was a year with plenty of change.  Literally for starters: I was living on my own in a dorm of 39 other guys away from my parents for the first time.  Sure I'd been gone from my parents before, but this was different.  This was college.

 

Five years ago, I still lived a fairly inexperienced life.  Sure I'd experienced things and had a more mature vision than most of my new cohorts, but there were things I had never been exposed to.  Some of these things I still haven't.  Others I have.  For example, alcohol.  I didn't even want to try alcohol until spring break of my sophomore year [two and a half years ago].  Now, I play bartender at parties and poker night occasionally.

 

Five years ago, my peer group changed.  In high school I surrounded myself with females.  Now I suddenly found myself in a male-dominanted environment.  And not because I was living on an all-male floor.  I chose a career path in which the males severely outnumber the females.  Four years of living with guys and bonding.  Four years of surrounding myself with testosterone instead of estrogen.  It's a completely different world.

 

Five years ago, I was in a rather serious relationship.  As in considering marriage - at least internally.  But the topic had come up a time or two.  At this point five years ago, I was about to destroy this serious relationship causing us to part our ways with a few bitter words about a year later.  This person had taught me many things about relationships.  The next serious relationship I got myself into did as well.  So did the following one.  It's funny what you can take learn from relationships when you look back upon them.  Now, I have the lessons learned.  Not to say I won't continue to learn.  But I have my lessons.

 

Five years ago, I thought chemical engineering was great.  I liked chemistry and math and thought chemical engineering was the way to go.  Now, I have a lack of interest for chemistry and if I were offered to do some parts of college over, I would.  I made mistakes.  I wouldn't say I regret my choices because I've learned greatly from them.  But I made mistakes.  Had I the opportunity to go back with the lessons learned from them without the consequences ... but really, who wouldn't pass up that kind of opportunity?

 

Five years ago, I was still driving my Blazer.  That was such a great vehicle.  I sure do miss it.

 

Five years ago, I was much more physically active and weighed several pounds lighter.  I would really like to get back down to that weight.  I simply lack the motivation to get there.  I have all the motivators I need.  I simply lack the physical drive to make the effort.  It's rather sad.

 

Five years ago, I think I would be happy with myself now.  Generally speaking, that is.  I would smack myself upside the head for considering some of the options I chose along the way, but those are the breaks.  But this is also partly why I started to delay my response to this question.  My answer is of course affected by my mood.  I am not in the greatest of moods today.  I try to answer internal interrogation unbiased.  But really, how do you answer personal questions unbiased? 

 

 

As for the child I used to be ... well, those were back in the days when I didn't think.  As a wee tyke, I wanted to be an inventor anytime anyone ever asked.  Thomas Alva Edison was who I lookd up to.  Perhaps that's a bit of irony.  I should have looked up to him for perserverance and motivation, not merely for his innovative ideas.  I have perserverance, just a lack of motivation.

 

 

I'm sure there's more, but I'm done.  I blame it on my mood.