Polite @ MindSay

I apologize in advance for the sheer length of this post. I went off on a few healthy tangents. Don't hate me, please! :)

Yesterday was quite an adventure. I decided early on that I wasn’t going to ask to see Nick. I’d talk to him, but I would give him some space and give myself some space. I find that if I surround myself with a person, I get clingy, bored, or too comfortable. Clinginess is just plain unattractive. Boredom is unacceptable with someone as awesome as Nick. Comfort? I’m already too comfortable with him for my own good. I actually forgot to thank him for doing something (if you know me, you know I’m shuddering in abject horror over this—I’m nothing if not painfully polite to enemies, crushes, and unknowns). Fortunately, I remembered later, thanked him profusely, and apologized for forgetting to do so earlier. He hadn’t really noticed and indeed apologized for forgetting to thank me for letting him stay the night before.
(Side note about politeness—I’m, as I said, unerringly polite with enemies, crushes, and unknowns. I’m more than tolerably polite to almost everyone else—friends, people about whom I don’t care to have an opinion, family, etc. But I don’t expect the same courtesy. At least not to the same extent to which I hold myself. You can forget to thank me for a lot of things and until you piss me off, I’ll never think anything of it. But should I do the same and realize it, I can’t have it. I like being appreciated for what I do, but when I do get a thank you, it’s so unexpected and heart-warming that I’m likely to go into a fit of favors for you—don’t try to work that system, please.)
ANYWAY. If I don’t give myself some space, I’ll let him see the cynical, pessimistic side that I work so hard to overcome. I try to be upbeat and generally positive—aside from my dry humor and cynicism in its light form. But I have a very pessimistic side that I despise. I expect very little of people because I find it easier to trust them to let me down, which is why these last few weeks have surpassed my expectations by miles.
((Side note: my dog is being adorable right now. She started out about five feet away, laying on the ground. She has slowly belly-crawled under the coffee table and is now laying as close to the couch I’m on as humanly—err, caninely possible. She paused about two feet away, looked up at me, and laid her head down like she was done moving. A minute later, she was [what I’m sure she thought was] sneakily crawling closer. She stopped just short of being against the couch (note: she also had to turn about 90 degrees to get up against the couch), looked up, and rolled over against the couch. It was pretty cute.))
ANYWAY. I decided that I was not going to seek Nick out. So I went over to my mom’s house, checked on my kitties, used her internet for a while, grabbed a few more things, and headed back into town. I re-dyed my hair and had just resigned myself to pacing the house all day and not-calling/texting Nick when Natalie came to my rescue.
Instead of me driving myself crazy all day, we went Thrift-Storing. There are about 7 really good thrift stores in our town and the town that’s closest to ours (they’re sister cities: Nevada City and Grass Valley), and so we don’t go thrift-store shopping; we go Thrift-Storing. I got the BEST deals. I got a red tie with white polka-dots (good for interviews if I’m rocking the badass office professional woman, great if I’m just rocking the badass chica, serves in addition as a belt and a hair scarf) for 54 cents; a pair of really cute brown professional heels, a strand of pearls, and some great tea cups with saucers for $14.85; and a dress that usually costs (this was my best find of the day—I’m super proud) about $200 that I got for $19.85. It looks SOOO hot on me. It’s a light turquoise color, about knee-length, and a halter. It’s hot hot hot! I need a reason to wear it now. It’s a little dressy for just wearing, but if we went, oh, I don’ t know…DANCING, it’d be PERFECT. Especially with the gold silk shoes that Natalie found and said I could borrow any time.
Anyway, I actually had a great day. I wasn’t expecting it to be (see? Pessimism in the raw!); honestly, I expected to have to go walk twelve miles with my music on full-blast just to keep myself distracted. And I started to go a bit crazy in the evening, but there was a bathroom to clean. And dishes and laundry to do. I have busy work to keep my hands on something. Away from my phone. Sometimes I wish I could intentionally lose my phone so that I can’t be tempted into connecting with the outside world. (note: in this scenario, The Outside World is mostly just synonymous with Nick)
Another thing that made me really happy was when I weighed myself. I have a rule about weighing myself. I don’t weigh myself more than every two weeks. It’s actually been more like 6 weeks. The last time I was into the doctor. And I was up a few pounds. Made me not too happy with myself.
I guess you have to know the full story for it to make any sense as to why a few pounds piss me off. I’m not anorexic. I don’t have any other eating disorders. That would have been easy for me to do with my mother, but I’m actually really smart about food. Now. I’m smart about food now. Anyway. I was never…huge. I was about average for most of my life. At least until middle school. I got sick a lot, had a few surgeries, and was just generally inactive. I got up to about 165 by mid-8th grade. Over the summer, I freaked out, went on a soup diet. I actually did have an eating disorder at that point. Freshman year was a rough year. I dropped down to about 115 and still thought I was effing huge. Sophomore year, I went to the other side of the pendulum and gained it all back. By the end of Junior year, I was at an all-time high of 178. I wore it well, but I was pretty chubby.
And then the best thing happened to me. I went to Europe for 10 days, dropped 15 pounds because I was too hot to eat and was walking a good 20+ miles a day. When I got home, I had pneumonia and I couldn’t eat and breathe simultaneously. Between these two things, I got back into a healthy amount of eating. (My mom’s diet is perfectly healthy—except on the portions end of things. Portions for her are almost twice what I eat) So the weight kept dropping. From June to November, I dropped about 25 pounds. It was coming off slowly enough that I was getting a good shape on me. All this was while taking a birth control pill that is notorious for packing about 20 pounds on its victims.
I was actually pretty good at 153, and I got stuck there for a while. Holidays, I suppose, do that to people. But I didn’t gain any of it back, which made me really happy. After Christmas, I started taking Doxycycline and a new birth control pill that worked in conjunction to keep my skin clearer. The other effect was that it jump-started my metabolism at the same time. By March, I was at my then target weight of 145. And I look fantastic at 145. Without any extra effort, I got down to about 140, and decided that 135 might be better just because I’m hippy, and I wanted trimmer thighs. So when I went to the doctor in May, I was back up to 148. I had a mild panic attack, scared that I was going to gain it all back (that’s what happened between freshman and sophomore years), and started eating healthier again.
So I weighed myself yesterday, and I’m back down to 141. I wasn’t really expecting to be. I actually thought I’d gained weight. I actually kind of should have. I’ve been partying three or four days a week and eating like crap. Unless I’m at work. Then all I eat is fruit and a little dairy. But I’m back down, closer to my target weight. Without starving myself. And without crazy work-outs. I’m very pleased with myself. The other thing is, my weight now is more muscle mass than it was before. I’ve got rather toned arms (working at Jamba Juice did that to me—I’ve never had arm muscles before, and now I’ve got bona fide guns. They might be pistols, but they’re still guns) and my legs are actually pretty lean now. And I’ve decided I’m not going to stress about getting down to 135. I look fine where I’m at, and sure, 135 would be nice, but I don’t need to be 135. If I did, there might be a problem. Part of the problem with losing any more weight is my pants. I have long legs, and I wear a little bit less than an 8 in the jeans I like, but only at my waist. I’m more like a 10 in length. I actually wore 10 Longs for a little while. And the 8 Longs work for me, length wise. But if I get down to a 6, the Longs might be a little shorter than I like. It’s quite a conundrum. Not really, but it’s something I think about.
I’m done thinking. This is an extremely long post. I don’t know why I had so much to say today. But I’m done. The Epic Post of Epicness is done.

i'm all or nothing... up or down. i have no inbetween. i'm dying to be "seen" yet i'm fadding fast fallng inbetween ...the cracks. screaming on the inside, smilling on the out. Crying inside, dying on the out. Yet i don't want to be found out. knowing that people will hate, fake pitty and sympathony i just cant take! i hate when people pretend..when they find out your "broken" then they come and gather around "carring" but really they are just trying to make themseles feel better cause if they actually cared that much for you they would of been with you through the up and the down. they would of seen that the up was just a mask hidding the pain that drags you down. everybody is just to caught up in their own shit to realize that we all have shit going on and sometimes when somebody stops to ask how you are and you answer "good" because that's sociaties acceptable and expected response, almost an automatic reaction to that question, they need to not be so quick to accept that answer because that's what they were expecting to hear and really they just asked you to be polite them selves, they really need to stop and think and look into your eyes as you answer and ponder if that answer is true or just an automtic response to their automatic question that society has passed off as an acceptable conversation because you have now both been polite. We need to stop being so fucking polite and look people in the eyes when we talk to them that way we can really see them and not just hear them and accept whatever they say as truth.

guess i just needed to rant. :)

from the SEDONA Journal of EMERGENCE ~ September 2006 Issue
www.sedonajournal.com


All right, Zoosh speaking. Greetings. The process of connecting to the
benevolent future that allows people to achieve their natural
personalities in the most benevolent and comfortable way, and to
express those personalities in comfortable ways-in short, to be your
whole and complete self, with all of your talents and abilities
completely available for you to use and completely known by other
people so that they can call upon you for what you do well-has been
completed. This creates a bridge that makes it available for you to
learn, to accumulate, to express and to have the opportunity to
interact with others to bring those qualities in yourself to the
surface so that people can learn who you are-not just on the basis of
the communication that you've learned in your culture and in your life
conditioning, but on the immediate basis of the interactions you have
with people on a day-to-day basis.

I want to tell you a little bit about this process that has been
completed. The process has installed a pathway to allow people to make
their shifts into a more complete version of themselves. What will
take place (and is actually in process now) is a constant feeling
within many people that doing things in the old way, even if it was
efficient, is not sufficient [chuckles]-meaning that truth for the
individual will be required, regardless of how awkward it may be to
put it forth.

For example, there are people right now living all over the world who
are frustrated on a daily basis because they are unable to speak their
own truth because of circumstances, conditioning, cultures and
what-have-you. Some of these people simply don't know how to put their
feelings into words. Other people have the words, but they do not feel
a welcoming for those words.



HOMEWORK: RELIEVE THE TENSION

I'd like to give you all some homework-you know how I like to do that.
It's not that difficult. But it will not work to think about it; it
will only work to do it. I'm going to suggest that you find someplace
where you can be alone and where you can say out loud what you need to
say, even though the people you need to say it to may not be able to
hear it. It will relieve the tension that is within your body, so the
frustration will not build up to the point where you do something rash
or drastic that might be self-destructive. And you know, my
interpretation of "self-destructive" means harming yourself or harming
somebody else-intentionally or otherwise, I might add.

So I'm going to suggest that you find a place where you can be alone.
Just speak out loud if you possibly can. If there are other people
nearby or who may come nearby, then whisper, but it must be a sound.
It won't work to think it. You actually have to make a sound. Speak in
your own words all of the things you are upset about and also
everything that you feel you must say. This will be an actual feeling
that you must say to other people. Continue to speak this way, even if
you find yourself thinking out loud while you speak. This will
help to relieve the tension.



IT MAY BE UP TO YOU TO SET A GOOD EXAMPLE

Now, why is this a good thing? You see, people who are not like
yourself . . . here you are, reading this material, thinking, working
on yourself, expanding, growing, while the rest of the population is
getting on with their lives as best they can, but they may not have
this kind of material, guidance, advice and wisdom available to them.
So they're still having these feelings.

It may be up to you to set a good example. You might have friends
whose frustration you can feel, or you might hear about their
frustration because they can't say this or that to somebody else and
they feel an urgent need to say it. You may feel their frustration
building up to the point where you're afraid they're going to do
something that might harm themselves or harm others.

See, this is why it's important for you to do it-not only to release
the tension for yourself, but also to discover its value. So after
you've done this homework, then you say, "You know, I tried this
thing," and then tell your friend about speaking out loud and saying
everything to everybody as if they were there. I grant that this isn't
going to solve all the world's troubles overnight, but the whole point
is to give you a means and also a way to practice saying things to
people whom you feel an urgency to say them to but because of
circumstances, whatever they may be, you cannot say those things at
that time. It will also, as I said, give you an opportunity to
practice saying those things. There will be times when you will come
across with words or you will feel these words coming out-being
inspired, you know-and discover ways that you might actually be able
to say these things to those people, or at least to say them in part.



YOU MUST REVEAL YOUR PERSONALITY

You'd be surprised how many people all over the planet are controlling
themselves and not speaking. Sometimes it has to do with being polite,
and although being polite is often a good thing, it isn't always a
good thing. Because sometimes in the course of being polite, one does
not speak one's urgent truth.

People are different. You are all different, and this is intended.
Granted, some of you are different in similar fashions, but you are
all unique, and it is absolutely essential that you reveal your
uniqueness. You must reveal your personality. In short, sometimes
things about you that you may think are problems or challenges to
integrate with the rest of the world, to get along in your society and
your culture . . . you think that these things are problems and
challenges, but in fact, they are like veils that hide talents.

Do you know that almost all of you, especially those of you who are a
little younger, have the belief that something that you can do, that
comes easy to you, comes easily to everybody else? But you know, in
reality, you all have things that come easy to you that are very
difficult for other people, just like things that are difficult for
you are easy for somebody else. Does this mean you're stupid? Of
course not. It means that everybody is supposed to have certain gifts
and abilities, and that when you help each other freely and
comfortably, then you can all do it together and accomplish it with
some great ease-whatever it may be. And sometimes you simply have
to reveal to people who you are.

Granted, you're going to feel like you're having a tantrum, and I
don't want you to feel that way. So the value of speaking this truth
for yourself is that it will just release a lot of pent-up feelings,
all right? That's what I recommend to get you over this bridge. I am
passing it on because I feel that most people do not realize that the
imminence of what is coming on here is something that is going to
require people to do something that some of you in the United States
who are a little older are actually pretty capable of doing.



PLAIN SPEAKING IS A TALENT TO BE SHARED

Those of you who were born in the thirties, forties and early fifties
in the United States are pretty comfortable speaking your truth. If
something comes up, then it's like, you say it and then it's out
there. But do you know that all over the world this is quite a rare
situation? It doesn't mean that people can't put the words together;
it means that in many cultures they are not expected, allowed or in
any way encouraged to speak the truth. This is very awkward and has
created a lot of misunderstandings, as you can well imagine. One of
the reasons we would encourage any and all of you to come around to
Hawaii more is that there you're still in the United States, but it
gives you an opportunity to be exposed to Asian cultures, where that
situation very often prevails.

In Asian cultures very often-especially in, say, Japanese cultures-the
idea of speaking the truth is not acceptable. It is much more
important to be polite. Now, granted, one finds this more so in the
country itself, but one still finds it in the culture of people who
have been living here for generations but are Japanese American. So
the more that those of you "of a certain age" are exposed to that,
you're going to discover for yourselves that you've got a talent that
you completely take for granted.

You were raised in a time and in a place where plain speaking was not
only necessary but actually popular. You can recall perhaps the famous
president, Harry Truman, who really became famous toward the latter
part of his life, less because he was president of the United States
and more because he believed in plain speaking. By that time, people
had gotten to the place in the United States where they didn't speak
plainly anymore. This happened in the fifties when the advertising age
began.

But you see, those of you in this age group now find yourselves with a
talent not unlike the former president. You were born and cultured and
encouraged and nurtured-physically, you understand-to speak plainly so
that what needs to be said is out there. Therefore, your personality
is relatively exposed to people. People can discover not only what
you have to say about something, even though it may be your opinion
only, but your abilities and your talents, because you do not hide them.

--Zoosh

Robert Shapiro

[also read this fun post on anger management]

Wow! being kind is a chore for some while it can be a rel pain for others. Still some do not feel that being kind is really good thus they do not sem to be kind. The same for being polite. Many years ago I was really a nasty and not so giving person. I did not care what I did nor what was revealed to others. If i was not polite to you then it simply was "tough shit." Ok You may think I am different well indeed I am. At that time it was very evident I was a real nasty SOB but then events in my life made me change and thus became a better person while other people began to take note and began to like me.

 

I was being good for a period of time. I began to be more polite and to help others in need but the fact remained kindness was needed and I began to change for the better. It wa sok really. I was happier as I changed but others may of felt indifferent to me with many unknown reasons. Was I really changing and becoming more polite or kind? I just do not remember really but then life is like this. I get no where but who will care.

 

Kindness is needed every day.  So I just do my best and hope for the best. So be kind and say a good word to someone you like.