Pointless @ MindSay

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Fridays are so pointless. Well, the lesson itself isn't, but the fact it's right in the middle of the day and I need to go into college for just one and a half hours seems relatively pointless. :(
 
Because I didn't have to get up until fairly late, I made up my lost hours of sleep that I used last night to play Pokémon Ranger: Shadows Of Almia instead. Yeah, I said I'd finished it in my older blogs - but then there's the matter of the epic amount of sidequests. Being the obsessive completionist that I am - they must ALL be finished. It's the law.
 
Mam drove me into college about 10 minutes before Film Studies and I hung about on the ground floor playing Solitaire and listening to Judas Priest. My current 'play-on-repeat' song is Electric Eye. I've learnt most of the words - I'll be able to do it on GH:GH vocals soon. :)
 
(I'm writing this in the LRC at college and I'd just like to say that THIS SPACE BAR IS A PILE OF WANK.)
 
Anyway. Film Studies was one of those handout lessons. Sarah gave us a wodge of sheets about Mise en Scene and we were to fill in the blanks on them. I shot through this - I didn't even need to use the word banks at the bottom of the sheets. Tee hee.
 
With all this free time I'd rendered myself, I wrote a few more coursework notes in the back of my notebook and wrote the lyrics to Electric Eye all over the front cover. :)
 
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On the way to the bus station, I stopped off at Home Bargains and landed myself a bag of tasty junk food items for £1.01.
Two bags of crisps, two Reisen bars and a can of Coke.
 
These were promptly taken home and enjoyed during my Super Paper Mario marathon. :)
I'm currently at chapter 7-2. It shan't be long now...

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I expected today to be better than it was.
We had a good start, a REALLY shit middle then the rest perked up a little, but didn't return to how good the day had started.

Shelly proper wouldn't let me sleep. I hadn't had enough due to her proper pushing me out of bed - so I certainly didn't fucking appreciate being woken up at 7 in the fucking morning.
She woke me up like every fucking hour following this, so I was still half-asleep on the airbed when Ash arrived at 12. It was funny watching her climb over the airbed. Then they both pulled the duvet off me because they're knobs. :P

We started the day with Guitar Hero and snacks.
Ian was round, so he was in and out and I was up and down - we were talking about our usual stuff - games. He surveyed the PS2 games I've collected so far. Oddly enough, he approved of them - and even said that Herdy Gerdy is supposed to be a pretty good game. I'd never even heard of it, I just bought it because it was a) cheap and b) a platformer/adventure game.

Then of course, Shelly has to ruin stuff by ranting at me.
Mainly me, but she unneedly included Ash and made her cry.
Shelly was facing me, and I kept miming "Ash is fucking crying because of you" until she ended up turning around to comfort her.

She even kept bringing it up when we were eating, despite the amount of times I'd told her "NOT NOW."
And as she always fucking comes in the kicthen and hassles me when I'm preparing stuff or cleaning up - I was pissed at her enough, so I certainly didn't need her then.

Dad could see I was pissed off and he asked if I was alright, but I made out it was mainly because Shelly was proper in my fucking face - those exact words.
So he went in there and told her. Ha ha ha.

I hated Ash leaving knowing she was still a bit upset. I gave her a big hug, hoping she'd cheer herself up. She knows just as well as I do how much of a knob Shelly can be sometimes.
I only really despise her when she makes Ash cry. Seeing Ash cry makes me want to cry too, so...
Saying that, I don't suppose me doing the slit-wrists hand motions towards her when Shelly was out of the room helped matters.

If Shelly hadn't stayed longer, I would have done.
But even then, she made me upset.

She tried making me feel better, but it ended up making me feel worse.
And despite the fact I didn't want to, and she knew I didn't want to - I felt fucking obliged to do things to her. I didn't do anything but rub her - but when she said "Is that all?" after 10 minutes - she'd done me for less - she made me feel worthless and like a failure so I just cried. With no hesitation or anything.

I didn't do it to deliberatley make her feel shit, but I hope it did.
She consoled me a little bit before she left, but today was just a prime example of how she can ruin a day that I expected to be decent.

Fuck love
fuck life
fuck this
why bother

The most right thing I ever felt turns out to be wrong.

I can't live with that.

I'm gone.

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Today was a bit of a wasted effort.
All I went into college for was to complete my sketchbook - but I didn't do any of it whatsoever.

I spent the whole day laying about with Shelly - switching places from the tables by construction, to the 3rd floor of the LRC, and eventually we went up to the art rooms.

We didn't see much of Ashleigh today. She's still being held prisoner in the art rooms.
I'm unsure if she'll be finished by Friday. It doesn't look like the final week was much of a chance to spend a lot of time with the two of them after all... :(

I tried something new from the Refectory today: a chicken and bacon paninni.
I liked it quite a lot. It may be something I consider getting in the future, when I go onto A2.
That's if I become an LRC recluse, like Shelly is predicting.

I can't really say that I'm in a good mood today. Maybe I'm PMSing again. Who knows.

Happy Easter, I s'pose.

I changed my default font colour from red to white, because I remembered this morning that the colour red releases off angry chemicals or hormones or something. There was too much red on my blog anyway.

Yesterday I woke up and started crying in the morning. I stayed in bed until the late hours of the morning. It took me great effort to motivate myself to actually get up and out of bed. When I did, I remained down in the dumps for most of the day. It was sunny out. I slept most of my afternoon. I went for a small walk outside by myself, knowing that sunlight and light in general releases what I call "happy" chemicals in the brain. It didn't work. Mom took note of how I was feeling, but she did nothing about it. I wrote a poem yesterday, I slept, and I went for a walk. Nothing I did made me feel any lighter or happier. I even told mom to not answer the phone if it was for me (Vicki tends to call on a daily basis), because I had a 0 tolerance for people. Even today, I still feel the same way.

I feel like breaking something. I feel like punishing myself for no good reason. I still feel angry, like yesterday. I don't want to be around anybody at all. I like being isolated. I like it when I'm all by myself. That way my mind wanders to a distant place where I can be who I want to be, where I'm pain-free, and where I can do whatever I want without feeling anything afterwards.

Today, Easter Sunday - I was dragged to church. There was no point in me going. There's no point in me doing anything in relation to religion now, I've discovered. Might as well "savour" my time while I'm here on this cruddy earth.

I don't even know what to DO with myself anymore.

The fam and I are going out to dinner tonight at this restaurant here in town. I'm not even hungry.